OT: Moved to a new town and need advice.

[Allisdad]

OK, let me explain. My wife, 5 year old daughter and I just moved to a small town. My wife has her family there and I love them immensely. My problem is we don't know anyone else. I have a couple of questions; my daughter attends pre-K and seems to have hit it off with a few of the little girls in her class. We would like to set up play dates with them as there are no children in our vicinity for her to play with. How do we go about doing this, do we call the parents directly (we have all the parents’ numbers) or do we go through her teacher. The teacher takes the kids right from the car so we don't get out to talk to other parents. I would feel weird calling a complete stranger and asking if their child could play. Also what do you do on a play date IE: invite the parent over for coffee, meet at a park although it has been a little cold for that. Where we used to live we had great neighbors and friends we knew for years so this was never a problem. Where we live now does not really have like an indoor play area (our McDonalds doesn't even have a playground) so not sure what to do. We have lived there for a couple of months now and I feel bad for my daughter. She really likes to play with children her age. I also don’t want to alienate my family coming off as snobby. Her teacher jokingly told my wife that one of the parents commented to her in the grocery store “it must be nice to afford to buy a new home and go to Disney all in the same month.” (Just for the record we saved money in advance to go to Disney to kind of give our daughter a way to get over moving). I am coming to all of you on the dis for this as I feel you guys always give great advice and in most cases have children so you might have been in this situation yourselves. Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

 

[dumbo_buddy]

i don't have experience with this and don't know the rules for playdates but my initial thought was that perhaps you could meet people through yuor wife's family? i'm sure they have friends, right? can you get your daughter into an activity? soccer? gymnastics? dance? you could meet people through that?

good luck!

ps- i think that little comment the teacher told your wife about was very rude. it's your life, not theirs! bah! my inlaws make cracks like that all the time. it's like, "hello!! it's our money and if we work hard and want to go on vacation we're gonna!"

 

[Allisdad]

Thanks for the reply, I forgot to mention she is in gymnastics. This actually is one of the reasons we moved here. She just doesn't seem to be clicking with any of the other kids in it yet and it's one of those places where the parents don't usually hang out to watch.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

You could probably just call the parents, especially if there's a particular friend your DD hangs out with at school. As a mom, I wouldn't find that odd at all. Is there a nearby park or something where you could suggest meeting up, if not having parent and child over your house? At the preschool age, I would certainly stay with my child on a playdate, at least the first few times. Or you could ask the school if they have any social events--my son's preschool had a simple potluck at a park.

BTW, I'm really stunned at the comment the teacher repeated. The woman who originally said it was petty and rude, but the teacher who repeated it was highly unprofessional. That would make me seriously question the integrity of the school.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Does your library have a children's storytime? That's where we met our playgroup when DS was little.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Maybe you could have a "get to know ya" party, maybe have some of the girls over for a tea party while the adults have coffee so you could get to know them better.

It's hard getting to know other families when you move to a new city. We moved to this town a year ago, but we live in a rural area. We spend alot of time at the park and I try to go to as many school functions as I can so I can get to know my kids friends' parents. Story hour at the library is good, too, especially during the summer. Whenever it's possible I try to let my kids to birthday parties they're invited to so they send the message that they want to socialize.

 

[Bren's Mom]

We're in a similar pre-k situation where I might see a parent or two occasionally at drop off or pick up but don't really have an opportunity to get to know anyone. Ds is wanting to have playdates with his new school friends. Since we don't have class lists with phone #s I'm just going to put a note in the other child's box addressed to 'kidsname's mom', introduce myself, say that my B and her X enjoy each other's company at school and B is asking for a playdate. Invite her for a playdate, please stay for coffee so we can get to know each other as well (so she knows I'm not expecting her to just drop off). Hopefully she'll call!

I love the 'get to know you' tea idea also.

 

[samshane]

We're military so we have moved quite a bit - I joined a MOMs Club - that was a great way for my children when they were younger - to actually have organized playdates.

Honestly, in preschool, we really never organized any playdates with the other kids. For us, it didn't start until elementary school. We did get invited to a couple of birthday parties which we did attend... maybe set up something like that (though it's not her birthday), and distribute invitations... make it something a little special (the tea party is a great idea). You;d be surprised - I bet there are other parents just like you wanted to set up a play date and just don't know where to start.

Good luck! Now that my kids are in elementary school - it is much easier...

 

[StephMK]

I would go ahead & call. A note would work too but if you call, you know the message will get through. When DD was young & in daycare, her friend's mom sent a note home for a playdate. We ended up becoming friends along w/the girls until we both moved away & lost touch.

 

[NotUrsula]

Have you ever lived in a small town before? Did your wife grow up here?

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then you are probably in for a bit of a challenge. Small towns tend to be wary of outsiders, especially if you are perceived as having urban habits or tastes.

The teacher almost surely repeated the remark because it is not the only thing of the type being said. I think that she was probably trying to discreetly warn your wife that your family is developing a reputation for flaunting either money or sophistication.

Kids in small towns mostly play at school and at one another's homes, and as a general rule it isn't the norm to have parents stay unless they are already friends, because families tend to have known each other forever. They probably would stay at your house the first few times, because they don't know you.

 

[StitchFanZ]

Can you volunteer at her school? Maybe help at some school parties. This would give you a chance to meet some other parents and maybe figure out what most of the kids are inolved in.
Another great way to meet other parents is to look for an active church. In some small towns, social activites revolve around church events rather than play dates.
With the holidays coming up, watch for canned food drives or opportunities to help put food baskets together. Anything that will give you a chance to talk with other parents in a neutral setting.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Preschool director here.

That was a very strange remark for a teacher to make BUT I would just let it go as you are not really sure where she was coming from. Couple suggestions:

I would use every chance to get into the school and get to know everyone I could. Halloween is coming up, are parents invited to the parties?? Offer to help with any special trips or activities that might include other parents.

Ask the teacher for help. Even after the remark, tell her you want to help your daugher expand her social life outside of school and you would love her input as to which child might be a good choice to choose. You might ask her to give your name and number to the parent if you do not have access to her #.
I would start very slow. Remember that to invite a child to you home may result in a re-invite and you need to be very sure that this is a family you would be comfortable with that happening. I would suggest an after school lunch (with the other mom) date to start. If that goes well invite them both over for an afternoon play date and see how that goes.

Good luck. Give it some time and things will work out.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Have you ever lived in a small town before? Did your wife grow up here?

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then you are probably in for a bit of a challenge. Small towns tend to be wary of outsiders, especially if you are perceived as having urban habits or tastes.

The teacher almost surely repeated the remark because it is not the only thing of the type being said. I think that she was probably trying to discreetly warn your wife that your family is developing a reputation for flaunting either money or sophistication.

Kids in small towns mostly play at school and at one another's homes, and as a general rule it isn't the norm to have parents stay unless they are already friends, because families tend to have known each other forever. They probably would stay at your house the first few times, because they don't know you.

We've been the new commers in three small towns. i have not found this attitude at all We have found WE have to make the effort to make friends (many small towns have people who have never moved just don't really think about how to reach out and make friends--they are not opposed to being friends at all they just don't have the experience in how to go about it as adults).

I would absolutely pick up the phone and call--that is why you were given everyone's numbers. Just say something like: hi this is XXX, I'm Ali's dad. Ali really enjoys playing with your daughter in class and I was hoping we could get the girls together sometime. of course we are new in town so you do not knwo us either. Perhaps the girl can play while we have some coffee and get acquainted. After that, I don't really know the "norm" here--feel freeto go and run errands if you like, but if you are more comfortable staying by all means please do so.

Easy-peasy and my experience has always been positive with people when we call and ask to get together like that. I also agree with teh advice already given to try to volunteer at school whenever possible--you will meet more people that way.

You might also consider throwing a holiday open house (we do every year no matter where we move--it is crazy as we already have 3 birthdays in December, but it seems to be a time when people expect to have parties). We make a ton of cookies and easy finger foods (nothing expensive or elaborate at all), set up a cookie decorting station for the kids and invite EVERYBODY to srop by for "5 minutes or 5 hours or anywhere in between" during most of a Saturday. When we are new to an area--we point out right on the invite that we hope to get to know people better so please know you are very welcome even if we have never really met yet. We also are sure to poitn out it is a family friendly event. Invite all the neighbors, co workers, preschool calss, gymanstics class, the local librarians, people from church, etc. We actually made some really good friends that way

 

[HerdOHuds]

We moved back to my hometown when the kids were nearly 2, and though I made friends through a MOPS group, I want the kids to have some close friends at school as well (our MOPS friends do not attend our school.) So this year the kids are in PreK and I volunteer there once a week. I am very lucky to be able to donate my time and it makes me much more comfortable with what is going on in the classroom.

So I invited one little boy over to play at our house and was surprised when the mom used it as her 'free time'. But it wasn't a problem. The kids had a great time and I did get to connect with her when she dropped off and picked up.

We are having another playdate here today with another little girl. I hope to be able to invite most everyone before the year is up. Today's mom made it seem pretty clear that she will be staying to chat with me.

So if I were you, I would call. We are in a small town and I know it can seem closed to outsiders (that is how my mom felt when we moved here when I was a child) but a little reaching out can go a long way.

I like the 'get to know you' party idea. You might try to host a holiday party for the kids and invite the parents along, if you would feel more comfortable with a group. I am more comfortable doing it one-on-one first.

Good luck!

 

[Allisdad]

Thanks to everyone for the comments, you guys are great. My wife has put in a few calls so we'll go from there. As for the comment the teacher made please don't read too much into that. I don't think she said it to be malicious by any means. My wife and I have both offered to volunteer, but have not been needed yet. My wife is a stay at home mom so she would love to have adult company. We just weren't sure what to expect. I liked the tea party idea and wife is trying to come up with a date. We celebrated my Dds birthday at Disney so we'll have to wait until next year for that one. I was raised in a small town and my wife was born and raised in the town we moved back to, so I know how small town politics work lol. Thanks again and we'll try the direct approach. In the time I have taken to write this we got our first decline, (my wife and I are both laughing). I'm sure my daughter will find lots of friends just in my typical fashion I always worry about her. lol.