OT:More birthday etiquitte

[Aliceacc]

In our elementary school, we get a notice saying that the kids will not be allowed to place invitations in the cubbys unless there's one for each child in the class. If you do have one for each child, the teacher will be glad to put them into the cubbys.

And since so many kids (including mine) get to school by bus, it's not something I could handle on my own aside from mailing them.

What you do by USPS is up to you.

I think it's a great policy. So in February when Kira turns 6, I'll be happy to invite her 20-something classmates (and anyone else I CHOOSE to invite) to her party at Saf-T-Swim. But those 20-something kids are not invited to include their 20-something siblings to join us. Each child will receive an invitaition on which we'll print his or her name. Each child who is invited will get a goody bag, although I'm not getting one for each sibling, since they will not be invited to the party. We'll have pizza and coffee for the adults.

 

[imthatgirl]

guess its a good thing my children dont use cubbies. we just invite who we CHOOSE to invite.

 

[mjkacmom]

why would the school have any say it. its not like the teacher announces"ok now mackenzie will hand out her bday invites". she takes them with her, and i would assume gives them out as she sees her friends. ive never heard of a time in class where they do it in front of the entire class. they ahve free time in the morning before they line up, they sit with their own friends ta lunch, play with their friends at recess, etc.
i dont see where the school would even know my daughter had invites with her?

The school might not know, but at our school, if the child were caught, he or she would be in trouble, because it's against the rules. Children are not always empathetic, and can be clueless. I wouldn't put it past a child to walk up to a group of let's say 4 children, and give 3 of them an invitation. They're just children.

 

[mjkacmom]

guess its a good thing my children dont use cubbies. we just invite who we CHOOSE to invite.

You can always invite who you choose - we just put in the extra effort and mail the invitations, and no one gets her feelings hurt.

 

[imthatgirl]

The school might not know, but at our school, if the child were caught, he or she would be in trouble, because it's against the rules. Children are not always empathetic, and can be clueless. I wouldn't put it past a child to walk up to a group of let's say 4 children, and give 3 of them an invitation. They're just children.

OMG, i would never send my child to a school that they would get in trouble for passing out invites
although im sure my 8yo is a bit more intelligent than that(i have known her her whole life), if she did do that, oh well thats life.

 

[imthatgirl]

You can always invite who you choose - we just put in the extra effort and mail the invitations, and no one gets her feelings hurt.

since my daughter writes out her own invites, she also wants to give them out, so she does.

 

[ilovemickeymost]

My girlfriends & I have started putting "for invited guest & 1 parent" on all our kid party invitations & evites. Its either a space issue or a cost issue. Most everyone understands. And those that can't get sitters, don't come to the party. My son's party is in mid-October & I sent out save the date evites about a month ago. I have a fairly good idea of head count & it gives everyone a chance to get sitters.

 

[imthatgirl]

My girlfriends & I have started putting "for invited guest & 1 parent" on all our kid party invitations & evites. Its either a space issue or a cost issue. Most everyone understands. And those that can't get sitters, don't come to the party. My son's party is in mid-October & I sent out save the date evites about a month ago. I have a fairly good idea of head count & it gives everyone a chance to get sitters.

and thats perfect, if anyone wants somehting specific, they should let the people invited know. if its not writen, dont be upset if both parnets show

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

But "not invited" means not invited. It doesn't mean "You can come if you're willing to pitch in for the extra pizza and goody bag." If I invited your 5-yr-old to a party, I would be flabbergasted if you assumed it was appropriate to bring your 3- and 2-yr-olds just because you were willing to give me some money toward their expenses. It's not just about the money. It's about the host being able to invite the celebrant's friends. Not "friends and their entourage." I mean, if the party is at Chuck E Cheese and you bring your younger kids and you go off and do your own thing with the little ones, that's great. But if you think you can plop your toddler at the table for my 5-yr-old's party just because you're willing to pay for it? No way.

I wouldn't set them up the table either. I would order a separate pizza and sit at the next table over with them. I personally would rather the entire family come because I am not going to be watching someone elses child and their food allergens and whatever. If you feel comfortable dropping your child off at Chuck E Cheese with whatever child molestors that are roaming around, feel free to do so but I personally would rather stick around with my child to be sure he is safe. I can't imagine putting the responsibility of watching my child on the host who is already multitasking like crazy.

 

[Aliceacc]

guess its a good thing my children dont use cubbies. we just invite who we CHOOSE to invite.

See, that's kind of my point. If Susie brings her siblings, those kids are uninvited guests my daughter didn't CHOOSE. My daughter will know the 20-something kids in her class by February, but NOT their siblings. Why should she have these strangers at her party, at the expense of other neighborhood kids she migh rather have instead? Realistically, the party package covers 25 kids, and you can pay to have (I think) up to an additional 5. (Translation: her brother and sister, and 4 cousins if we go over 25) Then the party maxes out on the number of lifeguards we've hired.

If Susie's mother brings Susie's two siblings, who do I keep out of the pool? My own kids? My nieces? Or these strangers my daughter doesn't know and didn't invite?

 

[Leonsmom]

I am from where you are from and this isn't always true.
Last year I invited DS's kindergarten class to his birthday. I did not write drop-offs okay on the invite. I was VERY surprised when every parent dropped off thier child and just left. I was okay with it, but very surprised. I am like you, if I don't know you, I am not leaving my child with you. Maybe it was because it was at our home. I was very thankful that my sister was there to help reign the kids in!!!!!

Wow... amazing! (Please take this right. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and we've probably chatted on line at the food court at the mall.) The fact that it was in your house would have made it even MORE of a reason for me to stay. But not knowing you or your family-- whether you had a vicious dog, a loaded gun, or a sex offender on the premises-- would have made me even more likely to stay than if your party had been at the local McDonalds or bowling alley.

Don't you worry, I did not take this wrong at all!!! I am right there with you on this!

 

[mjkacmom]

OMG, i would never send my child to a school that they would get in trouble for passing out invites
although im sure my 8yo is a bit more intelligent than that(i have known her her whole life), if she did do that, oh well thats life.

You are right - time to cough up $50,000 a year to find a private school that allows what you school allows!

 

[Leonsmom]

I failed to see where parents thought it was rude to just drop an invited child off. Surprised, yes.

I do put on the invitation what I expect. I send out the invitation in the name of the person/people invited. If siblings are welcome, I state so. If those things aren't on the invitation, they are not invited. That is an old standing etiquette rule. Manners are there to show respect for others. I show respect, especially, to my friends. I would hope they would to me also. It's hard to be friends with people who don't respect or who don't respect you.

I also have on the invitations if I will be feeding your children and what. Kids can be picky eaters. My oldest doesn't like pizza. My middle one is allergic to dairy and many other foods. I appreciate knowing if pizza will be served at a meal time party so I can feed them before hand or bring something that my middle one can eat (I don't expect the host parent to make special accommodations for my child). I can also prepare my children, and the host parents. Also, parents should know if I'm serving hotdogs, chicken nuggets, for the same reason. I write on there if I'm serving the parents or not. An example was on one invitation I wrote: "A meal of chicken nuggets and tatter tots will be served to you and ham and cheese sandwiches will be available for your mom or dad. Cake and ice cream for all." People thanked me for that for a long time. They knew exactly what to expect.

If I expect the parents to stay, I indicate it. See the above example. The parents knew to stay from the food information. Another time, my oldest was having his party at a very large pizza buffet (that had pasta on it for my son) facility that was opened to the public and had mini golf, bowling, bumper cars, race cars, and arcade games. I wrote on the invitation that each invited child would receive a pizza buffet and a $20 game card as part of the party (what the package included). I also said, parents are asked to stay with their child do the large size of the facility. Again, parents thanked me.

At DS party last year, it was a swim party. I didn't put if parents needed to stay or not. Parents asked when they RSVP'd if they weren't sure (most would stay regardless). I said they could do whatever they felt comfortable with; there would be four adults running the party and two lifeguards. All stayed. No one asked to bring siblings because they had the common sense to know who the invitation was given to. And, if siblings would have came, who was paying the extra $75 for the extra lifeguard? Sometimes parties have limits to how many kids can attend. If you can't get a sitter/friend/spouse to watch your other children, say: "I'm sorry we can't attend do to child care." Either the hosting parent will offer to let you bring the sibling or say, "I understand."

As far as size of the parties goes, I let my kids invite their friends. Kids they see and play with on a regular basis. I don't make them pick and choose. My son was invited to one party where the birthday child could invite the age he was turning + 1. Half the kids didn't show. He was a little disappointed that only 3 kids that came. I hate that "rule". It's old and comes from a time when kids didn't have parties until they turned 8 or 9 and no one missed parties unless ill because kids/families weren't over scheduled. My oldest has big parties. My middle one prefers small parties--he is not comfortable in crowds. My youngest is somewhere in the middle.

I like your style!!! And I am borrowing a few of your invite wording ideas. VERY NICE!

i dont agree at all, so we will have to agree to disagree. any of my frineds can come to me anytime and ask of me anything they wish. thats what seperates my friends from accaintences.

I feel the same way, in that my friends may ask anything of me, however aren't we talking about our children's parties? Meaning the invitees are our children's friends not ours? If you are close friends with all your kids friends then that's wonderful, but maybe you could be a bit more open to the idea that not everyone has a friendship with their children's friends family members. At best only a few of the parents of my DS are considered friends, the rest are acquantances.

Oh please - one of the reasons I don't include siblings is because I think mine are sometimes TOO close! Just this morning, ds5 was in tears, because dd7 (along with ds10 and dd12, and DH) are off one a one night rafting/camping trip, and he misses her so much. My kids are close in age, and get along so well, it's a little scary - one big lovefest!

However, if one has a playdate, I don't make everyone play together - let kids play with friends (or have parties with friends) without siblings. We have a strong relationship as a family. However, I want my children to develop strong relationships outside of the family, with JUST their friends.

Do your children get to choose their friends, or are they only friends with the children of your friends? We have both here - parties involving families, and parties involving just kids who met in school, and became friends.

AMEN!! I only have one child, so playdates are important to us. And while we enjoy "the more the merrier" sentiment. It is also important for him to develop one-on-one relationships with his friends. I applaud and appreciate when a parent does not always try to include a sibling in the mix. That is not to say that siblings are not welcome, they are, but it can change the dynamic.

none of my friends live close to me, unfortunatly, i wish they did. if my children have friends, i become friends with their parents. my children are very invovled with sports and girl scouts...and come this year we will start boyscouts. so i get to spend a lot of time with parents. plus beinga sahm, i do lots of things for those that work, i make myself very accesable to their friends parents. we host adult parties here, no not that ...we play cards and have evening cookouts, and these are the people i have over.
the parties of kids that they dont knwo well, we dont attend, kids that are part of their circle always have large partied where they extend invites to the whole family.
im thinking we just lead very different lives, or at least it seems.

and i never accused you family of not being close, so no need to get deffensive. i just, unlike you, see no need to make them seperate. when they have friends there own age over, i dont make them play together, they just do. and i would never tell the younger kids they cant play with the older kids, it seems everyone is having a good time.

Hey, You really are That Girl.
I too am a SAHM, I am very active in the PTA, I enjoy going to various school events, I am the class-mom, so I too make myself very accesible to my DS's parents, however that does not make us friends. Just because my child is compatable with someone does not make me automatically compatible with thier parents. If the only thing we have in common is that our kids enjoy each other's company then we are aquaintances at best.
Based on the second half of your reply it would seem as if you are a little defensive yourself.

We don’t invite the whole class, but there are around 250 kids in my son’s grade. I don’t know all the parents. He can’t invite someone just because I don’t know the parents? Despite his playing at recess and sitting next to this child every day at school? I don’t think so. We also don’t invite kids just to invite them. We invite the kids my children see and play with on a regular basis—whether at school, or in the neighborhood, or at cub scouts, or at sports. My kids do have more than 10 friends.

On another note, I can’t imagine forcing my kids to tote around their siblings to each and every one of their activities. How horrible to never have a friend or event to yourself. My kids are fairly close in age, but there are huge differences in an 8yo’s interests and abilities and a 4yo’s. Children deserve to have a life of their own. It helps to foster the independence they need to be well-adjusted adults.

Additionally, we don’t invite kids for the gifts. I could care less if the kids brought a gift. It’s just “stuff” and it is usually worth less than what it costs for me to have the child at the party. If I wanted more “stuff”, I’d skip the party and buy my kid the “stuff”—sometimes much better “stuff”.

Oh, by the way “closed” party means it is the birthday party only, no general public.

Again, i could not agree with you more!

Emily Post:

4. “May I bring…”
Don’t even ask! An invitation is extended to the people the hosts want to invite—and no one else.

…a date. Some invitations indicate that you may invite a guest or date (Mr. John Evans and Guest) and when you reply, you should indicate whether you are bringing someone, and convey their name.
…my children. If they were invited, the invitation would have said so.
… my houseguest. It’s best to decline the invitation, stating the reason. This gives your host the option to extend the invitation to your guests, or not.

From Advanced Etiquette:

EXTRA GUESTS
Unless an invitation indicates a guest is included, only the person listed on the invitation is to attend ... Hint, hint: uninvited guests are NOT to attend. As the host, if you welcome a single friend or family member bringing a guest, and do not know that person’s name, add “and Guest” so the primary invited person will know they may extend the invitation on your behalf.

PERFECT! Thanks for that!

In our elementary school, we get a notice saying that the kids will not be allowed to place invitations in the cubbys unless there's one for each child in the class. If you do have one for each child, the teacher will be glad to put them into the cubbys.

And since so many kids (including mine) get to school by bus, it's not something I could handle on my own aside from mailing them.

What you do by USPS is up to you.

Same here, as I've stated before I've had to limit how many guests we could have, so DS got to choose 10 kids from class to add to the guest list in addition to the 10 others that were already on the list (not from class). I then had to get there addresses and mail them the invites.

BTW, I think we are from the same town

 

[tlbwriter]

I wouldn't set them up the table either. I would order a separate pizza and sit at the next table over with them. I personally would rather the entire family come because I am not going to be watching someone elses child and their food allergens and whatever. If you feel comfortable dropping your child off at Chuck E Cheese with whatever child molestors that are roaming around, feel free to do so but I personally would rather stick around with my child to be sure he is safe. I can't imagine putting the responsibility of watching my child on the host who is already multitasking like crazy.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I would drop my child off - I didn't say that, and I certainly never would have dropped her off at CEC when she was 5 years old. I just said that I would not assume it was okay to bring younger siblings. So, how do you supervise your 5 year old at this party when you are also supervising your 2 and 3 year olds at a separate table? And if you're close enough to supervise your 5 year old, you are also close enough for your younger kids to see that there is a party going on - how do you explain to them that they get to watch the other kids and see the cake, but not participate?

 

[tlbwriter]

like i said, ive never seen such a rule, maybe its written somehwere, but ive never actually seen anything like that, or maybe its an unwritten rule that parents would like to be a rule? my daughter does go to school with invites, i dont hand them out she does. but we dont invite the whole class. just those she wishes to invite.

No, it's definitely a written rule - it's in the student handbook. Some schools say you can hand out invitations to only girls or only boys if you're having a boy- or girl-only party, but others say you can only hand out invitations in school if you invite the entire class. Of course, if you don't want to do that, you can deliver the invitations by hand or mail them. That's what I always do, since I don't want to invite the entire class. Maybe you didn't realize that it's considered rude to discuss parties and/or hand out invitations in front of those who are not invited. I think it's nice that the schools are helping enforce proper etiquette, at least in this one instance.

 

[mjkacmom]

No, it's definitely a written rule - it's in the student handbook. Some schools say you can hand out invitations to only girls or only boys if you're having a boy- or girl-only party, but others say you can only hand out invitations in school if you invite the entire class. Of course, if you don't want to do that, you can deliver the invitations by hand or mail them. That's what I always do, since I don't want to invite the entire class. Maybe you didn't realize that it's considered rude to discuss parties and/or hand out invitations in front of those who are not invited. I think it's nice that the schools are helping enforce proper etiquette, at least in this one instance.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I failed to see where parents thought it was rude to just drop an invited child off. Surprised, yes.

I do put on the invitation what I expect. I send out the invitation in the name of the person/people invited. If siblings are welcome, I state so. If those things aren't on the invitation, they are not invited. That is an old standing etiquette rule. Manners are there to show respect for others. I show respect, especially, to my friends. I would hope they would to me also. It's hard to be friends with people who don't respect or who don't respect you.

I also have on the invitations if I will be feeding your children and what. Kids can be picky eaters. My oldest doesn't like pizza. My middle one is allergic to dairy and many other foods. I appreciate knowing if pizza will be served at a meal time party so I can feed them before hand or bring something that my middle one can eat (I don't expect the host parent to make special accommodations for my child). I can also prepare my children, and the host parents. Also, parents should know if I'm serving hotdogs, chicken nuggets, for the same reason. I write on there if I'm serving the parents or not. An example was on one invitation I wrote: "A meal of chicken nuggets and tatter tots will be served to you and ham and cheese sandwiches will be available for your mom or dad. Cake and ice cream for all." People thanked me for that for a long time. They knew exactly what to expect.

If I expect the parents to stay, I indicate it. See the above example. The parents knew to stay from the food information. Another time, my oldest was having his party at a very large pizza buffet (that had pasta on it for my son) facility that was opened to the public and had mini golf, bowling, bumper cars, race cars, and arcade games. I wrote on the invitation that each invited child would receive a pizza buffet and a $20 game card as part of the party (what the package included). I also said, parents are asked to stay with their child do the large size of the facility. Again, parents thanked me.

At DS party last year, it was a swim party. I didn't put if parents needed to stay or not. Parents asked when they RSVP'd if they weren't sure (most would stay regardless). I said they could do whatever they felt comfortable with; there would be four adults running the party and two lifeguards. All stayed. No one asked to bring siblings because they had the common sense to know who the invitation was given to. And, if siblings would have came, who was paying the extra $75 for the extra lifeguard? Sometimes parties have limits to how many kids can attend. If you can't get a sitter/friend/spouse to watch your other children, say: "I'm sorry we can't attend do to child care." Either the hosting parent will offer to let you bring the sibling or say, "I understand."

As far as size of the parties goes, I let my kids invite their friends. Kids they see and play with on a regular basis. I don't make them pick and choose. My son was invited to one party where the birthday child could invite the age he was turning + 1. Half the kids didn't show. He was a little disappointed that only 3 kids that came. I hate that "rule". It's old and comes from a time when kids didn't have parties until they turned 8 or 9 and no one missed parties unless ill because kids/families weren't over scheduled. My oldest has big parties. My middle one prefers small parties--he is not comfortable in crowds. My youngest is somewhere in the middle.

sounds like u did a great job on the invites. Now if an univited sibling showed up how would you have handled it?

 

[dreamin_disney]

like i said, ive never seen such a rule, maybe its written somehwere, but ive never actually seen anything like that, or maybe its an unwritten rule that parents would like to be a rule? my daughter does go to school with invites, i dont hand them out she does. but we dont invite the whole class. just those she wishes to invite.

the school i work at and the school dd attends has this rule and both schools are in different districts

 

[luvmy3]

I can totally understand the OP's frustration, I mean when you plan and budget for a certain number of guests its a PIA to add another. Its just rude to ask if a sibling can be included in a party that they weren't invited to. That being said, I can understand why the dad came. If he's like my dh, he doesn't get alot of time with the kids during the week. He likes to spend his weekends with all of them so maybe that dad just wanted to be with both kids. Its definitely rude for him(and mom) to expect to be fed at the party, but I don't think its a big deal for both parents to be there. I know the OP was mad because the dad could have stayed home with the sister, but the mom already asked if she could come and the OP said yes, therefore there was no reason for him to stay home. They could have all come, but mom,dad and sis could have done their own thing.
I have 3 kids, so we get alot of party invitations. If the party is at a place other than someone's home, our whole family goes. The child that was invited to the party, goes to the party and the rest of us do something else at the place. If its a bowling alley, we go and get our own lane and food. We do not stay with the party, I only go and check on my child from time to time, and let the party mom know I'm there if she needs any help. I would never bring my 2 other kids and dh and ask to be included in the party, that is way beyond rude.

 

[imthatgirl]

You are right - time to cough up $50,000 a year to find a private school that allows what you school allows!

my kids go to public school