OT - MIL will not take NO for an answer.

[msce2]

She wants to show off her family and gather people together. That is pushy? She asked 6 months early. Also not pushy. Maybe, their relationship would improve if people made an effort. As opposed to witching about it on a message board.

What is pushy is after we told her no, she continued to call and press the issue. We are NOT FINANCIALLY ABLE TO DO IT. If it was local and within a few hours drive, it would be reasonable. We ARE NOT IN A POSITION TO DO THIS AT THIS TIME. If she cared that much about her grandkids and her son, she would understand this. I would never ask someone to pay for us to go anywhere. If she offered to pay for everyone, that would be a different story, but WE CANNOT AFFORD THE TIME OR THE EXPENSE. Maybe another year when we are in a better situation.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I don't even understand why you came on here. its financially impossible, you can't drive, DH won't or you won't let him go without you and the kids, not sure which one.

You won't bend, so you're not going. Whats there to discuss? Did you want support? Sorry I'm in the camp that parents and grandparents are only around for such a short time and you should make an effort to spend time with them when you can.

But your mind was made up before you even posted, so what gives? You expected all sympathy and support and now that you didn't get it you're up in arms.

 

[ryanshana]

I don't even understand why you came on here. its financially impossible, you can't drive, DH won't or you won't let him go without you and the kids, not sure which one.

You won't bend, so you're not going. Whats there to discuss? Did you want support? Sorry I'm in the camp that parents and grandparents are only around for such a short time and you should make an effort to spend time with them when you can.

But your mind was made up before you even posted, so what gives? You expected all sympathy and support and now that you didn't get it you're up in arms.

I think she is asking for support in her decision...is that so bad? Also she has mentioned that his mother lives in the same state they do and does not make an effort either..So why should they make the effort a thousand miles away? I see what people are saying about showing off her (the mother's) family....but if they do not have a good relationship to begin w/ then it would just be fake anyways so what's the point especially when they do not have the finances to do so anyway.

OP I'd seriously have a talk w/ DH and have DH address this issue, it is his mother after all. Maybe if she heard no from him she'd drop it?

But also OP this PP is right too...there is no need to get up in arms cause people do not agree with you. there is no way every single poster is going agree w/ you take the advice you like and shoo off the ones you don't that's really the only way to deal w/ forums.

HTH

Also btw my MIL lives in PA, PITA......maybe it's the water? Or maybe they are related!

Good luck

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I think she is asking for support in her decision...is that so bad? Also she has mentioned that his mother lives in the same state they do and does not make an effort either..So why should they make the effort a thousand miles away? I see what people are saying about showing off her (the mother's) family....but if they do not have a good relationship to begin w/ then it would just be fake anyways so what's the point especially when they do not have the finances to do so anyway.

OP I'd seriously have a talk w/ DH and have DH address this issue, it is his mother after all. Maybe if she heard no from him she'd drop it?

But also OP this PP is right too...there is no need to get up in arms cause people do not agree with you. there is no way every single poster is going agree w/ you take the advice you like and shoo off the ones you don't that's really the only way to deal w/ forums.

HTH

Also btw my MIL lives in PA, PITA......maybe it's the water? Or maybe they are related!

Good luck

The thing is though, the OP didn't get the answers she wanted and now is getting upset with some of the posters because they didn't agree with her.

And for the record, we don't know the whole story OP says MIL is controlling and there is not a good relationship, but from what OP's DH said, it doesn't sound like he has or even wants a good relationship with his mom. Its a 2 way street. Maybe the OP needs to make an effort too. Yea she sends the kids to visit, but do her and her husband ever visit?

OP, I have a PITA MIL too. Mine lives 1/2 hour away and sees my kids every 2 months if they're lucky. My DS played 40 basketball games this season, some as close as 15 minutes from their house and they never made an effort to come see even 1. If you think the kids don't notice, they do.

If my MIL wanted me to travel to GA for a family reunion, would I? Heck no. Not even if we had the money, because she makes no effort for us and our kids, but sees my SIL's kids almost every day.

We have made many many attempts at a better relationship(almost 11 years worth) and she doesn't want to be bothered, so the heck with her.

If you made a true effort for a good relationship, and it isn't there and you can't afford to go, don't sweat it. I feel that as much time should be spent with parents and granparents , but if she wants a good relationship only when its convenient for her and she's going to show off like you're the perfect family with a perfect relationship with her, I'd be skipping that reunion.

 

[TnTWalter]

OP...I'm so sorry. If MIL isn't willing to pay and you really can't swing it, then that's what it is. Kill 'er with kindness is the way I live my life with my MIL.

I wish we could go MIL. Maybe if DH gets a bonus or x or y we'll be able to swing it, but it's just not feasible for ONE day. You'll have to kiss Aunt Bertha for us...blah blah blah.

Those of you that are against OP's decision...you would expect your family to spend $700 for ONE DAY. Really? That just seems crazy by itself. If we're talking about a weekend or something, a little better argument, but OP has stated even if they had money, he can't take off from work. Are you missing that MIL isn't the one who they have to visit; she lives IN town? I just don't get it.

I absolutely think you should honor your parents and all that but this is extended family and far away and too expensive for one day. What about MIL inviting everyone to PA? Maybe with SIX MONTHS notice, the other family members could come to you and MIL? Could you suggest that? Win-Win?

Good luck. Just love her anyway. She gave you your HUBBY.

Ryanshana...just wanted to say....so jealous of your siggy. We had the BEST time last October at the Poly. Such a GREAT time to go...

 

[msce2]

I think she is asking for support in her decision...is that so bad? Also she has mentioned that his mother lives in the same state they do and does not make an effort either..So why should they make the effort a thousand miles away? I see what people are saying about showing off her (the mother's) family....but if they do not have a good relationship to begin w/ then it would just be fake anyways so what's the point especially when they do not have the finances to do so anyway.

OP I'd seriously have a talk w/ DH and have DH address this issue, it is his mother after all. Maybe if she heard no from him she'd drop it?

But also OP this PP is right too...there is no need to get up in arms cause people do not agree with you. there is no way every single poster is going agree w/ you take the advice you like and shoo off the ones you don't that's really the only way to deal w/ forums.

HTH

Also btw my MIL lives in PA, PITA......maybe it's the water? Or maybe they are related!

Good luck

I think it is the water here in PA.

I don't feel close to them, and I think they feel the same way. After 11 years of marriage I still have to call them Mr. and Mrs. at their request.
But that would never prevent me from making sure they got to spend time with their grandkids. I am totally in the club of spending as much time as possible with family. I call or my parents call me almost every day, and we email multiple times a day. We at least see each other every week or every other week. I would have no issues with seeing my In laws every week if DH wanted to. He makes the choice to not be as involved with them.

As for my original post, DH did tell her "no" on Mon, and then she called me on Wed. FIL just called DH at work to talk to him about it this morning where he told him "no" again. I guess I was looking for any help in how to explain to them that we aren't able to do it this year.

If it was local, I'd go in a heartbeat.

 

[Captain_Hook]

I think you should simply tell them what you probably already said. "I'm sorry, we would love to go, we just cannot afford it. Airfare is too expensive and DH can't take off from work."

Just keep saying that. Eventually it should sink in. Maybe they will offer to pay?

And to the others -- I agree that respect should be given, but I think it should only be given where due. I don't think you should have to kowtow to someone simply because they are older than you. I think you should always be polite, but I would never bend over backwards for someone who treats me horribly. Respect is a two-way street.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You have your reasons for not going. They are legitimate. Your MIL should respect you and your DH. I don't think that is too much to ask. It appears she doesn't think your reasons are legitimate, by throwing your vacation into the equation. Does she think you shouldn't have a vacation? Does she think you should forgo your vacation in order to go to the reunion?

Even if I could go at this point I wouldn't want to. Who wants to be brow beaten and bullied into a decision like that? ETA- I would be polite about it though.

Is she unable to travel?

 

[msce2]

I think she is asking for support in her decision...is that so bad? Also she has mentioned that his mother lives in the same state they do and does not make an effort either..So why should they make the effort a thousand miles away? I see what people are saying about showing off her (the mother's) family....but if they do not have a good relationship to begin w/ then it would just be fake anyways so what's the point especially when they do not have the finances to do so anyway.

OP I'd seriously have a talk w/ DH and have DH address this issue, it is his mother after all. Maybe if she heard no from him she'd drop it?

But also OP this PP is right too...there is no need to get up in arms cause people do not agree with you. there is no way every single poster is going agree w/ you take the advice you like and shoo off the ones you don't that's really the only way to deal w/ forums.

HTH

Also btw my MIL lives in PA, PITA......maybe it's the water? Or maybe they are related!

Good luck

You have your reasons for not going. They are legitimate. Your MIL should respect you and your DH. I don't think that is too much to ask. It appears she doesn't think your reasons are legitimate, by throwing your vacation into the equation. Does she think you shouldn't have a vacation? Does she think you should forgo your vacation in order to go to the reunion?

Even if I could go at this point I wouldn't want to. Who wants to be brow beaten and bullied into a decision like that? ETA- I would be polite about it though.

Is she unable to travel?

MIL and FIL are going. They are flying to Jacksonville and renting a car. SIL and her 2 boys are driving from KY. SIL is at SAHM and lives with her parents bc BIL is in Army in South Korea.

We do spend time with them, however most times MIL calls and asks to pick up the kids. There have been many times in the past where I have invited myself along, however now that DS is 9, and DD is 5 I feel they are old enough that they can let me know if something isn't right. There have been some incidences, MIL spanked DS when he was 2. We just have different parenting ideas. She beat her kids with belts, and I think that's excessive.

I'm starting to think the pushing is bc we are going to Disney, and I guess she figures if we can go there, we should be able to go to GA too. (I would hate to think she would do it for that reason)

 

[saraheeyore]

I think you should let your hubby deal with it and tell her you are not going. I think as a daughter-in-law sometimes you are seen as the bad person and husbands tend to pass on the decission making to you. I always tell my husband he can sort it out or say we are not going to something usually because we can't afford to and it may only be a meal out. I was always looking like the bad person so now its up to him and he can be the bad person. Its wierd how grown men won't say no to their mums and get someone else to do it.

 

[saraheeyore]

MIL and FIL are going. They are flying to Jacksonville and renting a car. SIL and her 2 boys are driving from KY. SIL is at SAHM and lives with her parents bc BIL is in Army in South Korea.

We do spend time with them, however most times MIL calls and asks to pick up the kids. There have been many times in the past where I have invited myself along, however now that DS is 9, and DD is 5 I feel they are old enough that they can let me know if something isn't right. There have been some incidences, MIL spanked DS when he was 2. We just have different parenting ideas. She beat her kids with belts, and I think that's excessive.

I'm starting to think the pushing is bc we are going to Disney, and I guess she figures if we can go there, we should be able to go to GA too. (I would hate to think she would do it for that reason)

hitting your child is something you should not have to put up with though. I would go mad if anyone hit my daughter. although i'm not against smacking altogether nobody else should hit them other than you and hubby. I don't hit my daughter unless for a danger reason she's been hit twice i think both reason she would have hurt herself more if i didn't

 

[disykat]

I can't believe this thread! MIL calls and suddenly wants them to drop their long planned WDW vacation and fly to Georgia for a one day family reunion. OP's DH says no because they can't afford it - and now it means OP is a horrible DIL?

 

[Mom2Nick]

I can't believe this thread! MIL calls and suddenly wants them to drop their long planned WDW vacation and fly to Georgia for a one day family reunion. OP's DH says no because they can't afford it - and now it means OP is a horrible DIL?

I'm scratching my head at that one too.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm scratching my head at that one too.

Make that 3 of us.

 

[Chuck S]

I can't believe this thread! MIL calls and suddenly wants them to drop their long planned WDW vacation and fly to Georgia for a one day family reunion. OP's DH says no because they can't afford it - and now it means OP is a horrible DIL?

Actually, not exactly. The WDW trip is in May, the reunion is in July. There is no date conflict, only a monetary conflict. If I read the posts correctly, MIL never told them to cancel WDW so they can go to the reunion.

Again, if it is simply a $$ thing, if MIL offered to pay their way, or even just for the OPs husbands flight, then whoever she pays for should have no problem in going, even though traveling just for 1 day is, IMO, not worth the effort.

 

[saraheeyore]

Actually, not exactly. The WDW trip is in May, the reunion is in July. There is no date conflict, only a monetary conflict. If I read the posts correctly, MIL never told them to cancel WDW so they can go to the reunion.

Again, if it is simply a $$ thing, if MIL offered to pay their way, or even just for the OPs husbands flight, then whoever she pays for should have no problem in going, even though traveling just for 1 day is, IMO, not worth the effort.

unless hubby doesn't want to go on his own and then even her paying for just him is not going to work. I still think hubby should sort it out though

 

[saraheeyore]

Actually, not exactly. The WDW trip is in May, the reunion is in July. There is no date conflict, only a monetary conflict. If I read the posts correctly, MIL never told them to cancel WDW so they can go to the reunion.

Again, if it is simply a $$ thing, if MIL offered to pay their way, or even just for the OPs husbands flight, then whoever she pays for should have no problem in going, even though traveling just for 1 day is, IMO, not worth the effort.

unless hubby doesn't want to go on his own and then even her paying for just him is not going to work. I still think hubby should sort it out though

 

[ryanshana]

Make that 3 of us.

4

 

[ryanshana]

Actually, not exactly. The WDW trip is in May, the reunion is in July. There is no date conflict, only a monetary conflict. If I read the posts correctly, MIL never told them to cancel WDW so they can go to the reunion.

Again, if it is simply a $$ thing, if MIL offered to pay their way, or even just for the OPs husbands flight, then whoever she pays for should have no problem in going, even though traveling just for 1 day is, IMO, not worth the effort.

I actually think she said that MIL was implying that...like how dare she go to WDW and not the reunion...but I could have read it wrong.

IMO Why should they (whether it is all of them or just OP's DH) be forced to go they are grown ups why do they have to do something they apparently do not want to do?

 

[jms531]

I actually think she said that MIL was implying that...like how dare she go to WDW and not the reunion...but I could have read it wrong.

IMO Why should they (whether it is all of them or just OP's DH) be forced to go they are grown ups why do they have to do something they apparently do not want to do?

ITA. I think the key here is the fact that OP and her DH said no. They're grown adults with a family of their own. MIL has NO business trying to guilt them into doing anything they don't want to.