OT - Just need to vent

[mommyofboys]

Just need to vent - I have already vented to my friends and family and they are probably sick of hearing about it! Anyway - we leave for WDW in a little over 3 weeks. Our first "real" vacation as a family and having the boys fly for the first time. I should be all excited and starting to get things ready and making my lists, etc - but I can't. In October my dh took his ex back to court to have his child support lowered and he won ! My dss is now 14 and the last time it was reviewed he was 7. Well as soon as we were done that day his ex filed papers stating that he has to pay half of all of the child's medical expenses (court order states over $100 of extraordinary expenses). Obvious retaliation. My husband wrote a letter to the states attorney and said he wasn't paying because he too carries health insurance for his ds but the ex refuses to use it so why should he have to pay all that money. The ex did not provide receipts or eob's just the statements. We went to one of his providers and they gave us an updated statement - she was refunded the money because the insurance covered it 100% (perjury?) He went to the local hospital to provide them with his insurance card so they could file a secondary claim for the rest of the balance and they said due to HIPAA they could not help him (court order says he can have access to medical records). They called the ex while we were there and she said no, do not accept his insurance card and do not allow him access to the records - what?!?!? but yet you want his money! My dh offered to submit the claims to his insurance and the ex would actually get more money back (bill is for $90 they each pay $45 - if we submit to our insurance all that is owed is $15 - makes sense right). I told my dh to request the courts to have it ordered that his insurance (since it is the better of the 2-ours has specific copay and the other is 80/20 AFTER the deductible is met) to be primary. Anyway - we received our court date...2 days before we leave for our vacation. We have to bring 3 paystubs, 3 bank statments that have dh's name on them (his is also on my ds's bank account - they can't touch that money) and 2 years of tax returns - for medical bills?? How am I supposed to be excited now??? Sorry for this being so long, just needed to vent.

 

[tinkerlisa]

YIKES!!!
We definitly know the ins and outs of child support here.
When my hubby and his daughter's mother broke up(they weren't married), they didn't go to court for a while but my hubby was paying an agreed upon amount. His ex ended up getting state help and the state took him to court! They said he wasn't paying the full amount of what he should have so they gave him an arrearage! So he pays a lot of money and she turns around and expected him to buy school clothes on top of it! When he said no, she said
"well we'll just see who wins on this one in court".
Now his daughter is almost 17 and moved out of her mother's house(not with us either), almost a year ago. A few weeks before Christmas, she calls him and tells him that she wants nothing to do with us, and that he is never there(which is a huge lie) and that she would rather have 10 minutes with him than the child support that we are now sending to her and not her mother! So he didn't send the check this month. He said if she wants to play the big girl game than so be it.
In the meantime, she is still technically with her mom. He is going to put the child support away in a safe place just in case her mom decides to take him back to court. It sucks so much because we live in constant fear of her suing us since she has threatened it before. We are even afraid to move to Florida now(something we have been planning for years) or vacation because if her mother finds out, she *****es.
Sorry this has been so long. Guess I needed to vent too. But I wanted to let you know you aren't alone with this. Hope everything works out for you all!

 

[kellyg403]

I am sorry that you are having a hard time with stuff, especially if it is putting a damper on your vacation. But, I do have to ask, is there a reason that the ex wants to keep the insurance and not your dh's? Like the ds lives in another state etc? I only ask this, because my oldest's son's dad was ordered to cover medical insurance but in the end, my insurance was what was used because it was hard to get his to pay since we lived in another state.

I know that you think the ex is retaliating but I am sorry I think it is fair for you to assume that this little boy, and even at 14 he is still a kid, deserves as much from both parents as possible. Sometimes that is monetary. You have already gotten c/s lowered, I would imagine that the court costs alone would cover what medical bills you would like to NOT pay. That is one thing I do not understand, why pay the courts when the child needs the money so much more.

Good luck to you

Kelly

 

[mommyofboys]

I am sorry that you are having a hard time with stuff, especially if it is putting a damper on your vacation. But, I do have to ask, is there a reason that the ex wants to keep the insurance and not your dh's? Like the ds lives in another state etc? I only ask this, because my oldest's son's dad was ordered to cover medical insurance but in the end, my insurance was what was used because it was hard to get his to pay since we lived in another state.

--She says because the child lives with her and that's where the bills go. We think it is so that it looks like my dh is not involved (his name not on any of the records) - just like she does with school and all of his other activities that we are not allowed to attend.

I know that you think the ex is retaliating but I am sorry I think it is fair for you to assume that this little boy, and even at 14 he is still a kid, deserves as much from both parents as possible. Sometimes that is monetary. You have already gotten c/s lowered, I would imagine that the court costs alone would cover what medical bills you would like to NOT pay. That is one thing I do not understand, why pay the courts when the child needs the money so much more.

--We have no problem contributing to his care, but when for the past 7 years she could have cared less about my dh paying half of the medical bills- why the big change now? - because her c/s went from 4 digits down to 3 and now we have affected their lifestyle (going to Jamaica, buying a tanning bed). We do not have to pay to go to court - this is being done through the state so we see a master of family relations instead of a judge. We do not have "paid" attorneys - we are assigned state's attorneys.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

As a CP and former insurance investigator, I can shed some light on why she may not want bills to be processed through DH's insurance. I worked for BCBS here in NJ for 15 years, we could only send reimbursement to the policyholder, which means that she'd be relying on your DH to turn over checks. Also, due to HIPAA, we did not have to give any information to the other parent. Court orders can circumvent that, but its a hassle each and every time the other person calls because they will be asked to fax it and then they will have to wait for a response. At least that is the way it worked when I was doing things at the insurance company. Its not very efficient and it does not give either parent an easy time of doing things. As far as being primary...most insurance companies (although not all) go by who has physical custody of the child and they are deemed to be primary. The court can ask the insurance company to change that, but they are not required to change their guidelines and the courts will rarely challenge them if they decline.

I hope things can be worked out before your vacation and that it is something both sides can live with. Dealing with the court issues takes a toll and its terrible that you have that right before your vacation. Good luck!

 

[kellyg403]

As a CP and former insurance investigator, I can shed some light on why she may not want bills to be processed through DH's insurance. I worked for BCBS here in NJ for 15 years, we could only send reimbursement to the policyholder, which means that she'd be relying on your DH to turn over checks. Also, due to HIPAA, we did not have to give any information to the other parent. Court orders can circumvent that, but its a hassle each and every time the other person calls because they will be asked to fax it and then they will have to wait for a response. At least that is the way it worked when I was doing things at the insurance company. Its not very efficient and it does not give either parent an easy time of doing things. As far as being primary...most insurance companies (although not all) go by who has physical custody of the child and they are deemed to be primary. The court can ask the insurance company to change that, but they are not required to change their guidelines and the courts will rarely challenge them if they decline.

I hope things can be worked out before your vacation and that it is something both sides can live with. Dealing with the court issues takes a toll and its terrible that you have that right before your vacation. Good luck!

OP I was not trying to imply that you do not care for ds and that you are not interested in his care. Sometimes it appears that one parent is retaliating when in actuality it is easier to not have to constantly get up with the other parent and solve issues. My ex is military, I am custodial parent but everytime I pay the co pays for the kids (We use tricare standard) the check that comes in the mail is in their dad's name. I have to then send the check to him and he has to reimburse me. Once it was 2 bucks and some change. A hassle when I paid up front and have to wonder if he will make it a priority or will I have to ask several times to send me the money. Sometimes he wants the checks to add up so he can send one lump sum. Which is unfair. While I do not understand why dss mom doesn't want his dad to be involved in things, the real issue may be that the whole process is more hassle than it is worth. I am sorry you feel that you have hindered her lifestyle and that is why she is retaliating. Maybe that is the facts and I hope that she is reprimanded in court for it. But, sometimes there are two sides to each story.

I am glad that you do not have to pay for court costs. Thousands of dollars are lost each year by parents taking the other parent to court over something that could be easily negotiated. I do want to mention that when we went to court for the initial child support hearing, both of us had to have all those documents you spoke of in your post. If they decide that your dh is to have the primary insurance, they will deduct a percentage of the amount he pays for the insurance from the overall c/s obligation. BUT, in our case the judge then added in a 100% responsibility for ex for co pays in addition to the insurance. However, this was done because he does not pay any insurance premiums with Tricare. My guess is that the medical co pays if your dh is able to get to be the primary holder will then be split 50/50. But I am not a judge or a lawyer so it will depend on your state and how they see things.

Kelly

 

[mommyofboys]

Kelly - No offense taken! I just get worked up talking about this stuff .

The ex & us each think our way is eaiser (obviously). I can understand why your situation is a pain - for our insurance our copay is $15.00. If she pays it at his dr's appt, we can then send her a check once we receive the EOB from the insurance company. He went to the ER and his ins did not cover the visit at all - where our insurance covers it and our copay is $100.

We too had to bring that stuff in October for the actual child support hearing.
They already deduct what he pays for dss health care from his child support. DSS step-dad is the one who has his insurance and he is union so he does not have any monthly premiums either. I would just think if the copays are relatively inexpensive (like ours) then our child support would pay for those.

I just don't understand why we have to pay for half of all of these medical bills because she doesn't want to use dh's insurance. That seems as though that is her problem. I know it is her choice but it isn't right. We provide insurance every month and then still have to pay hundreds of $$ for what the primary insurance doesn't cover. That would be like her saying she didn't feel like using the c/s for his clothes this month and now needs more money.

 

[la79al]

I just wanted to say that I totally understand custody drama ruining things. Less than 2 months before our wedding, DH found out some stuff that BM was doing and we decided to go for full custody of both kids. We couldn't even plan a honeymoon because the conciliation hearing was about 10 days before our wedding. We did end up getting to take a honeymoon but we spent several hours of it on the phone with the lawyer. So those are the memories I have of our wedding. I feel for you. Try to keep in mind that whatever happens at court is out of your control but the attitude you have until then and after then isn't. Enjoy your vacation.

 

[kellyg403]

Kelly - No offense taken! I just get worked up talking about this stuff .

The ex & us each think our way is eaiser (obviously). I can understand why your situation is a pain - for our insurance our copay is $15.00. If she pays it at his dr's appt, we can then send her a check once we receive the EOB from the insurance company. He went to the ER and his ins did not cover the visit at all - where our insurance covers it and our copay is $100.

We too had to bring that stuff in October for the actual child support hearing.
They already deduct what he pays for dss health care from his child support. DSS step-dad is the one who has his insurance and he is union so he does not have any monthly premiums either. I would just think if the copays are relatively inexpensive (like ours) then our child support would pay for those.

I just don't understand why we have to pay for half of all of these medical bills because she doesn't want to use dh's insurance. That seems as though that is her problem. I know it is her choice but it isn't right. We provide insurance every month and then still have to pay hundreds of $$ for what the primary insurance doesn't cover. That would be like her saying she didn't feel like using the c/s for his clothes this month and now needs more money.

I understand what you are saying completely. A perfect example, one of the dr's that I 'chose' to take my ds to was not in the group for Tricare. I 'chose' to take him there because he was an asthma/allergy specialist as well as a ped. I made all those co payments because it was MY choice. I wanted the best care of ds. Sometimes I would get lucky and ex would help out but for the most part I have never considered decisions I make of my own free will that are not part of the support to be my burden.

I try very hard not to run over ex where money is concerned simply because he does do extra things for the kids from time to time. Bought dd16 a laptop for her birthday or sends them a visa gift card from time to time for whatever reasons. But, even I get a little upset sometimes when I think or feel that he does not understand some things ARE his obligation. While the extras are nice for the kids, lets start with making sure all the obligations are taken care of..kwim?

I am sorry that she does those kinds of things. But hopefully, once court comes around things will be more split evenly among you and this part of the relationship can get better! Its always the financial part that I think keeps the divorce bitter sometimes.

Kelly

 

[mommyofboys]

i too will pay whatever necessary for care for my kids. We pay extra for the ppo option of our insurance so that we can go to whatever dr we want and we don't need to worry about referrals. I don't want a dr telling me that my child doesn't need to see a specialist. You seem like the type of mom that will explain to the ex what you are doing and why. We are told and not given the opportunity to be involved in the decision making process. For example - dss was supposed to wear glasses, but he was not allowed to bring them when he came to our house. Vision got worse and the dr recommended a lens that he wears at night and then can go all day without glasses. Ex emails and says she needs $500 and some to cover our half. DH says he wants to know more about this since he wasn't there for any of the appointments and she says it doesn't matter if he agrees or not, she's getting it and he is court ordered to pay half. He has been to the ER 3 times in the past 2 years and we get the phone call once they are on the way home. I am sure dss wonders why his father isn't there, but we can't say anything. 2 summers ago during our week of visitation he got sick and we had to take him to the dr. She chewed DH up for taking him stating he wasn't sick (he had a sinus infection and was given antibiotics) and from now on we need to notify her before taking him. There is no 50/50 here. We don't even know what type of insurance he has. She will not provide us with the information. She was out of the country this past summer in Jamaica (only knew that because dss told us). What if he would have gotten hurt, sick, etc. How would we get a hold of her?


DH would help out in addition to his c/s. He paid half of school pictures (even though she picked what she wanted and dh was left with a 5X7 and a wallet). He paid for half of his karate, etc. DSS is a boy scout and getting ready to become an eagle scout this spring. We are not allowed to attend any scouting activity - she says that they devote alot of THEIR money and time into it and they do not want to share it with us (actually have that in an email).

DSS I believe is taken care of either by us or his grandmother (her mom). She cut off all ties with her parents so we are the only way they get to see him. They buy clothes for him to take home to her house and there have been times that we have bought him stuff and he asks if can take it there to wear it to school.

 

[TinkerBelle920]

I totally understand what you are going through my fiances ex wife has taken him back to court 4 times this year over child support. And this is a women who only has her child 2 days a week and does not spend a dime of the money on the child.

Don't let the court date ruin your vacation just think that once it is over you have a Disney trip waiting for you- that's pretty good motivation to get through it. I feel your pain we had to go to court 3 times after we got engaged and it has totally overshadowed our wedding planning. It's hard to be excited about something when you have a court date looming over you. But have faith that she will get what is coming to her in court. She is just playing games and sadly that hurts the child in the end.

Enjoy your trip- I hope everything works out well in court!

 

[pweyl36]

I would get a lawyer, You husband has rights and his ex is way out of line.

 

[dawnn12]

when you go to the court ask to talk to the person holding the confrence alone without her tell her/him everything and exp. the insurance stuff and not being notified about him being in the hospital and when he was out of the country(he should of need a passport and your dh should of had to sign the passport form) but if you dont like the outcome speak up and say so they will put you in front of a judge(at least in pa..i dont know where your at) dont let her get away with stuff and when its all over go have a great time and dont worry about it

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

when you go to the court ask to talk to the person holding the confrence alone without her tell her/him everything and exp. the insurance stuff and not being notified about him being in the hospital and when he was out of the country(he should of need a passport and your dh should of had to sign the passport form) but if you dont like the outcome speak up and say so they will put you in front of a judge(at least in pa..i dont know where your at) dont let her get away with stuff and when its all over go have a great time and dont worry about it

With the passport issue, it has only been in the past few years where a child needs both parents permission in order to secure a passport if they are under 16 years old and only if there is joint custody. Prior to January 2008, no passport was required to travel to the islands, Mexico or Canada-just a birth certificate. Also, once a kid turns 16, only one parents needs to consent for the passport to be issued as I've been through this in the past year with my ex. He tried to block my kids from getting passports. The judge told us DS didn't need my ex's permission because at 16 he only needs one parent to sign for it.

Another tidbit...not that this applied to the OP at all, but worth mentioning in case anyone could use the info, but if the non-CP owes back child support, they themselves are blocked from obtaining and/or renewing their own passport AND the judge told us that as a result, my ex-husband could not block me from getting a passport for our DD15 because he himself was not legally eligible to even get his own-so his opposition went right out the window and was overruled by the court.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I feel for you. My DH's ex is taking us to court right now cause she thinks she can get a sweeter deal. They never had an order for child support, just "worked it out" and he has been paying since September 1996 every motnh (even though there is no order and he is not legally obligated to pay anything). When she called and said she needed more, okay fine, he sent her more. Now we get a letter that ex is taking us to court for a child support order. So we'll wait and see how much more we end up paying.