OT---Is there such a thing as "the 4's"?

[jojoandhb]

I don't let her do whatever she wants. If she asked for candy for breakfast, it's No. It will always be no. But, I don't scream and yell at her. As parents, we model behavior for our children. If I were a screamer, she'd be a screamer, too. They learn to communicate by watching us. I only have one, because I chose to have one. I want her to go to college and have everything she needs. If I had more than 1, I'm not sure I could afford college for all of them. If you watch Dr. Phil, Nanny 911, and Shalom in the Home, you'll see that the bad behavior comes from the parents modelling it. It's hard for parents to admit that it's them and not the kids. I'm not saying being a parent is easy, but some people get frustrated and take it out on their kids. They're just kids. I see my daughter as a little person, and I let her help me with everything. I have days where I spend hours on Math homework. She sits next to me and colors or plays with playdough. She says she is doing her homework, too. If she says she's hungry while I'm in the middle of a tough problem, I just tell her I'll get it when I'm finished. Because I'm laid back and even tempered, so is she. But, that's my personality. I've never been one to stress out even when my fiance and I both lost our jobs on the same day!

 

[ilovejack02]

Something that my cousins use when their kids and foster kids get out of line is that they make the kids stand in the middle of the room with their hands above their head. This seems to work very well and was actually recommended to them by the foster system. A few minutes of their hands up and their arms and shoulders start acking. Once or twice of that and they think twice about their behavior.

My first grade teacher used to make us do that , I cant imagine what parents would do to a teacher that tried to pull that now.
Maybe I should do that with my 17.5 yr old DS since grounding him doesnt seem to work, he was grounded for 2 weeks for breaking curfew and when he got off this weekend he did it again, I think an hour of standing in the middle of the room with hands over his head might help

 

[mamacatnv]

We referred to them as the "f'ing 4's" and then there is the "negative, nasty 8's & 9's". IMO the 2's were a breeze in comparison

 

[LaraK]

OP - breathing treatments are hard for everyone. The treatment kid's miserable and just wants done and down. The non-treatment kid just sees mom holding the stinking baby on her lap YET AGAIN. Meanwhile, mom is trying to act calm, screaming inside because this is the second treatment in 2 or 3 hours, not the four you were hoping for, and is this the time you are going to rushing a blue 2yo to the ER. The four year old at this point insists she needs something (help with a video or computer game, or help me pull on this dress-up outfit) that mom, who now has the 2yr old in a half nelson to finish the stinking treatment can't possibly get up, or fix what ever it is with her free right big toe...

whew.
cut your self some slack if you occasionally lose it. THe 10000 times you don't are what they will remember. Just try your best.

Yeah, that's about what it's like! I'd add the DH who has just mentally checked out of the whole thing and has decided that he MUST do something vitally important in some other area of the house right when all of this is going on!

 

[LaraK]

I don't know. My baby is 3 1/2 and hasn't thrown a tantrum in well over a year.I think it's my approach. I treat her like a person, and I make lots of time for her. When I cook, I let her break eggs and add milk or whatever. She even helps clean up the mess. If she wants to change her clothes 10 times, I let her, but I make sure she puts the clothes she took off either back in the dresser or in the laundry. I don't yell or scream at her. If she does something wrong, I talk to her about it and tell her why it wasn't ok. Kids need a lot of attention, and they will do whatever it takes to get it. I spend as much time with her as I can in a day. I play as much with her as possible, and I let her help with everything I do even laundry and things that she isn't really helping with. I don't care if I have to refold the towels when she's done.
Ever watch Nanny 911? When kids act out with only one person, it usually has something to do with that person. I know there are tons of parenting books you can get. Dr. Phil's is supposed to be really good.

Yeah, you're right, it's me. I'm a terrible mom who has to (shutter) WORK for a living and commute 2 and a half hours a day....maybe I should just give her back, she'll be happier. Maybe the next mom can teach her that she is the center of the universe and the earth revolves around her without regard to anyone elses world. Nanny 911, better come to my house next....ohhh, and it's a mess too!

 

[LaraK]

OP, hope you are feeling more positive today!

Actually I am. Today was a pretty good day. In the car on the way home (as I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic going no where fast) DD called out from the back "Mommy, I love you"....guess she knows when I need a stroke too. She's my baby, I guess I'll keep her!

 

[BelleBoo&AmisMum]

Lara I'm so here with you on this one, except that both of my girls have asthma. My youngest has seizures, GERD, and kidney reflux along with the asthma. I'm trying to chase them both down to do breathing treatments while dealing with attitudes, and attitudes with albuterol thrown in for fun.

I don't belive for one second that if you're mellow and calm that they will be all the time too, some kids come into the world with an attitude, I happen to have two of them at home.

 

[LaraK]

Lara I'm so here with you on this one, except that both of my girls have asthma. My youngest has seizures, GERD, and kidney reflux along with the asthma. I'm trying to chase them both down to do breathing treatments while dealing with attitudes, and attitudes with albuterol thrown in for fun.

I don't belive for one second that if you're mellow and calm that they will be all the time too, some kids come into the world with an attitude, I happen to have two of them at home.

TWO!

 

[ilovejack02]

I don't know. My baby is 3 1/2 and hasn't thrown a tantrum in well over a year.I think it's my approach. I treat her like a person, and I make lots of time for her. When I cook, I let her break eggs and add milk or whatever. She even helps clean up the mess. If she wants to change her clothes 10 times, I let her, but I make sure she puts the clothes she took off either back in the dresser or in the laundry. I don't yell or scream at her. If she does something wrong, I talk to her about it and tell her why it wasn't ok. Kids need a lot of attention, and they will do whatever it takes to get it. I spend as much time with her as I can in a day. I play as much with her as possible, and I let her help with everything I do even laundry and things that she isn't really helping with. I don't care if I have to refold the towels when she's done.
Ever watch Nanny 911? When kids act out with only one person, it usually has something to do with that person. I know there are tons of parenting books you can get. Dr. Phil's is supposed to be really good.

LOL!!! My oldest 17.5 now was the calmest most relaxed child in the world, NEVER gave us one bit of trouble, my youngest is the complete opposite (and no , we arent screamers in this family). Have another kiddie and you will see that the way you parent this child wont neccessarily work for the next one. I have a friend that seems to approach parenting the same way you do, and she has a screaming Mimi on her hands.
Not trying to flame you but both of your post sounds slightly "holier than thou" I do agree though that Nanny 911 has some great ideas that do work and I totally agree with alot of what Dr. Phil has to say.

 

[noodleknitter]

Actually, I don't watch Dr. Phil, Shalom in the home or the Nanny show...Have managed to raise 7 in spite of it! These shows all use the misery of others for entertainment and profit. Something I am fundamentally against.

Actually I am. Today was a pretty good day. In the car on the way home (as I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic going no where fast) DD called out from the back "Mommy, I love you"....guess she knows when I need a stroke too. She's my baby, I guess I'll keep her!

Kids test...that is just where they are in life! But in the end, you are still the hero. Even if you screw up on occasion!

It sure is lucky they are cute, though...isn't it?

 

[CTPinkPrincess]

The f'in fours? Way harder than the terrible twos.

This too shall pass. And another phase will probably take it's place.

 

[noodleknitter]

The f'in fours? Way harder than the terrible twos.

This too shall pass. And another phase will probably take it's place.

No need to mention that....

 

[tmarquez]

Don't worry OP...it's normal and just do the best you can. It's funny because just yesterday my mom and I were laughing that whoever made up the "terrible 2's"...didn't have a 4 year old yet.

My DD (4) acts like a miniature 16 year old sometimes. It drives me crazy.

 

[CamAnd]

OMG. I noticed the same thing in 41/2 year olds. The sassing, talking back, and attitude. I have been saying that we are going through an adolescent period. I see this same behavior not only in my daughter but also her other friends who are at the same age! Their mom's can also relate stories and we can empathize. I need to remember it's just another phase &"this too shall pass".

 

[Whosemom]

LaraK, how's today? Mine are getting a little bigger now, so we are past that scenario . My two asthma babies are 6 and 8, and I say, "Its loaded, go do your thing." But some memories will never fade

For all of us, the best thing to do is what Lara did - ask other moms "do you get this too?" The day my 11yo turned 8, she turned into a heinous fiend (she's not now though), and I had an awful two months before I said something to someone and found out that that was not too unusual. I think you'll always get 10 sources of support for every "if only you were like me". And that support goes a lonnnnng way sometimes!

Yea moms, we can do it!

 

[LaraK]

This is a great board, very supportive. Another good day today (only one fight...she wanted Daddy to do bathtime....Daddy does a lousy job rinsing the shampoo from her hair and has been fired from bath duty by Mommy). We spent a little "girl" time having a serious talk (she has "discovered" herself...you know there) and we had to talk about right time, right place and who can and can not see/touch your private place ...didn't think that would have to happen this early.

Anyway, thanks again for the support....DS's cold is fading, so hopefully we'll be off the nebs in the next day or two and then it will just be normal chaos in my house and mommy can chill a little bit....or do something else to take the edge off...

 

[Stephres]

Glad things are going better with both of them. I realized I needed to have the talk when my four year called her private area by the boy's name for it. Whoops!

 

[ilovejack02]

LOL I had to have to talk with DS4 about not pulling on his stuff while hanging out with the family in the living room and how he didnt need to yell out in Walmart "Hey Mommy my ***** is soooo big"

 

[kaysmommie]

A book that helped me is called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. Basically, you count to three and if the child is still doing the behavior into time out she goes, one minute for her age. No talking, arguing, negotiating, zip. I will have to say that my challenging four year old gets time out much more than my even tempered seven year old, but it has worked so far. As soon as she starts back talking I say, "Stop back talking; that's one." She will usually stop but if she wants to argue that she's not back talking she will get counted to three and into her room she goes. It usually takes her longer than four minutes to calm down, but when she does she always apologizes.

I think the trick is to avoid getting into a discussion about the behavior. Four year olds are so good into manipulating moms and soon you're yelling about something totally off topic! Hang in there!

Oh, and mine is an angel with everyone else but me too. I always think it could be worse: she could be an angel with me but a devil with everyone else!

I have this book too and it is great. It's still hard to walk away from my DD6 because she will follow you around to argue. We butt heads alot because she is a know it all. I'm trying to get DH to use the same methods but all he does is yell and
I'm fed up with him more than the kids because he is adult. I never had any problems with her until she started Kindergarten though.