OT - I want a new babysitter - so trapped - what will I do?

[WendyLovesPeter]

Let me start by saying I have used the same babysitter for my 4 kids - I'm talking 13 years. We became close, good friends (too close - you know the saying familiarity breeds contempt), they moved to become our closest neighbors and things changed (I'll spare you the details). Now we are only in touch regarding the schedule of her watching my child. I dread calling that house anymore, but she is a good caregiver & the house is a clean, safe environment.

It used to be the ideal situation, but then......we just became too close. I find her to be a nosey, two-faced, critical person who has nothing nice to say about my family or any of my other friends or contacts. She makes her comments (always) but in a "funny" "joking" way & I guess it just became not too funny about 2 years ago. As the school year starts, I need a babysitter again cuz my older kids are back to school. I've thought of taking my daughter somewhere else, but I don't want to make it worse between us as we will be neighbors for a long time. I don't have a problem with her child care just some major personality issues. Too make it worse I became a godparent to her child back when things were still o.k. - I really like her young child & take that responsibility seriously.

anyone had similiar problem? or any thoughts?

 

[lirija]

Wow, that's a real shame. I hate it when you get close to someone and realize their personality quirks are really larger issues. Has the distance between the two of you given her any hint at all that you might not approve of the things she says? Only the very dense would not have picked up on it by now, unless you are too polite to let her know.

I had a somewhat similar situation, but without the child involved. I eventually had to cut off ties because our interactions just became too unbearable for me. She just didn't get that her comments about others became less things-you-only-say-to-a-close-friend, and more plain rude. Worse still, she justified it by saying the was the type to "speak her mind" and this behavior was "mature." I never had the heart to tell her she was actually immature because she never developed the internal self-editor the rest of us have when we think something, and then realize it is not worth saying out loud.

Unfortunately, you might be in a similar situation. If you truly cannot find a way to approach her and get this off your chest without her getting defensive (have you tried that?), then prolonging the awkward relationship will just give you anxiety, and eventually one or more of the children will pick up on it. I really hope it works out for the best.

 

[WendyLovesPeter]

Has the distance between the two of you given her any hint at all that you might not approve of the things she says? Only the very dense would not have picked up on it by now, unless you are too polite to let her know.

I had a somewhat similar situation, but without the child involved. I eventually had to cut off ties because our interactions just became too unbearable for me. She just didn't get that her comments about others became less things-you-only-say-to-a-close-friend, and more plain rude. Worse still, she justified it by saying the was the type to "speak her mind" and this behavior was "mature." I never had the heart to tell her she was actually immature because she never developed the internal self-editor the rest of us have when we think something, and then realize it is not worth saying out loud.

Unfortunately, you might be in a similar situation. If you truly cannot find a way to approach her and get this off your chest without her getting defensive (have you tried that?), then prolonging the awkward relationship

Oh my your words are my thoughts - she has commented on anyone, I mean anyone that I showed any sign of liking or having a relationship - my in-laws, my husband, my work friends, other mutual acquaintances. It just became smothering - I felt like she wanted me to like her and only her. At first I fell into this "close" friendship, but the more I heard her talk about others, the more uncomfortable I felt. The way she talked about the people I liked drove me crazy!! I started acting a bit like her to her to "have my say" or "get her back" - this negative behavior was not my nature and it ate away at me. I realized I could not put energy into this unproductive relationship. I just pulled away, became busy and like you said, did she not get it? I have not been able to confront her - I just doubt it will work because she is one of those always right persons. So, we've continued this shallow facade so to continue the child-care relationship. I just really feel trapped!!

 

[Caramia01]

I just went through this - but with my mother-in-law Atleast you can get rid of a friend (although I'm still trying to figure out how I can get rid of her!! )

Take a moment and cool down. Consider whether you feel it would be possible to talk things out. If you honestly can say you're not interested in doing so, I HIGHLY recommend not putting your kids in the middle of all the frustration for any longer than needed.

In my situation, I knew for a FACT that my MIL and I would NEVER see eye to eye on ANYTHING and that it wasn't worth the aggravation. I simply thanked her for her time and found someone else to watch my daughter.

I live in Ohio and love kids . I was just recently laid off (from the mortgage business) and have been sitting on my butt doing nothing other then surfing the Disboards!! I hardly ever come in the family forum!! How ironic! Let me know if you get desperate!!!!!!!!! I was seriously thinking about not going back full time and finding a 'gig' with little angels!! (I know this is crazy..but whatever!)

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

We had friends like this. We were over their house one day, and the DH decided to KICK their tiny little puppy for trying to run out the door! That was it, I couldn't take any more (they abused all their animals on a regular basis - I always wanted to call the SPCA on them, but my DH wouldn't let me because they were his friends) so I punched the guy (I'm 5ft and hes like 6'1 and 275!), told him how disgusting I thought he was, and just ran out. He called us like 6 months later as if nothing had happened, asking DH why we hadn't spoken in so long!!! We've never spent any time with them again - maybe thats what you need to do?

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Sounds like a difficult situation. But, as a mom, I think you need to focus on what sort of influence this woman is on your daughter. Personally, I wouldn't want someone like this: "nosey, two-faced, critical person who has nothing nice to say about my family or any of my other friends or contacts", taking care of my kid. If you look at it from that perspective, I think it'll be a lot easier to make a decision.

 

[powellrj]

Can you put her in a preschool setting for child-care and use the excuse you wanted her to have more structure? As you can see I am bad at confrontations!

 

[WendyLovesPeter]

Can you put her in a preschool setting for child-care and use the excuse you wanted her to have more structure? As you can see I am bad at confrontations!

I thought that was the answer cuz DD is preschool age, but wouldn't you know her preschool days are opposite my work days (I'm PT)

 

[WendyLovesPeter]

Sounds like a difficult situation. But, as a mom, I think you need to focus on what sort of influence this woman is on your daughter. Personally, I wouldn't want someone like this: "nosey, two-faced, critical person who has nothing nice to say about my family or any of my other friends or contacts", taking care of my kid. If you look at it from that perspective, I think it'll be a lot easier to make a decision.

and, I thought this too, but I live in a small town - you know almost everyone. I honestly worry about my reputation. The people she used to be BFF with before us - oh how she put them through the grinder. She said terrible, embarrassing things about them and their household. My husband knows the other couple and we HIGHLY doubt the truth of the stories. She has a way of charming people... then she talks.... and talks about others. It took me a long time to catch on. We were just casual friends (because she watched all my kids) until just a few years ago when we got so close. That was when my 4th child was born & soon after they made the move right down the street. It took me ALL those years until we were close friends to realize how she really was. Then when I think of the personal things and feelings I disclosed to her unknowing, it makes my stomach roll Just assuming she is talking about us all the time behind our backs too.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

and, I thought this too, but I live in a small town - you know almost everyone. I honestly worry about my reputation. The people she used to be BFF with before us - oh how she put them through the grinder. She said terrible, embarrassing things about them and their household. My husband knows the other couple and we HIGHLY doubt the truth of the stories. She has a way of charming people... then she talks.... and talks about others. It took me a long time to catch on. We were just casual friends (because she watched all my kids) until just a few years ago when we got so close. That was when my 4th child was born & soon after they made the move right down the street. It took me ALL those years until we were close friends to realize how she really was. Then when I think of the personal things and feelings I disclosed to her unknowing, it makes my stomach roll Just assuming she is talking about us all the time behind our backs too.

If you think she's already talking about you, I really don't see why you're still letting her watch your daughter. You're more worried about your reputation than you are about how her behavior will impact your daughter? If you're truly so disgusted with this woman, I don't see how you're on the fence.

 

[WendyLovesPeter]

If you think she's already talking about you, I really don't see why you're still letting her watch your daughter. You're more worried about your reputation than you are about how her behavior will impact your daughter? If you're truly so disgusted with this woman, I don't see how you're on the fence.

I guess the way I worded that made me sound quite shallow - not the case! I'm usually the type of person that is "live and let live" - let people think what they want etc... but this is different. The fact that I am a godparent to her child makes me feel extra trapped too - I kinda took a vow to be a role model in his Christian upbringing etc. I don't feel its right to abandon him. Its definitely not his fault that his mom is wacko & I would never take anything like this out on a child - AND I really don't believe she would alter her treatment of my child because of it either. She has been a really good CG all through the years - I've never had any "issues" that I had to bring up to her as far as her care of my children. I would never bad-mouth her to her potential clients etc - because her care and her "influence" has always been really good.

This is really "grown up" conflict and issues - way over a child's head. My older kids do ask me though..."why aren't you and so&so friends anymore? why don't you like so&so anymore?" Its quite difficult even with the older ones. I just tell them things changed & I don't like the way she talks about and treats people etc so i chose to not spend time with her. Oh what a mess!!

 

[thegrimdwarf]

It does sound like a mess. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Disney_Angel]

I find her to be a nosey, two-faced, critical person who has nothing nice to say about my family or any of my other friends or contacts. She makes her comments (always) but in a "funny" "joking" way & I guess it just became not too funny about 2 years ago. ?

You have just answered your own question. read your quote....do you want someone like this watching your kids? You owe no one an explanation! Good luck because I know this is a difficult situation.

 

[Erin1700]

Feel like driving her to Pennsylvania? I am searching for kids to watch here in my house!

 

[Jennia]

Are you a member of Meetup? I know ours has a local group for babysitter swapping. It's all moms who are part of other local groups, and they take turns watching each other's kids as needed.
If your a member of a church, some of them provide care during the day as well for a pretty cheap price.