OT- Hubby driving me NUTS

[daleswife]

So why is it that just because im a stay at home mommy and he works 8 hours a day out side the home that he thinks he can just come home and go to bed?!?!?!?! He goes to bed at night at like 10pm and then gets up at 530am. (I even get up at 520am to pack his lunch and my 1 yr old dont sleep all night and im up with him at least 3 times a night so im not getting much sleep...) He said last night he had a headache and went to bed. I was ticked to say the least. If Im sick or have a headache, I dont get a break, I keep going. I recall a migraine headache a few weeks back I got as soon as I woke up......hurt sooo bad I was crying.....He kissed my forehead and said well I'll see you after work!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! This past sunday I was sick and he got mad at me cause he had to watch the kids (1 and 5) and couldnt get his things done......Well excuse me for getting sick.......

sorry for that I just had to vent........

ON a happier note, Im going to disney in 20 days!!!!!

 

[hopesmommy]

I completely understand!!!

DH comes home from his job as a computer architect and goes straight to his home computer!

Our DD wants to play with him and he says in a minute...After about 30 minutes he comes out and still does not play with her.

He asked me the other day why I was cranky. I told him because he still has not finished the house project he started at Christmas, he keeps putting papers ALL over the house, he won't finish the detail work on the wall we painted 2 weeks ago (I shake to bad to paint a straight line). To make a long story short, my house is cluttered and messy even when I try to clean it.

If he would take 30 minutes to play with DD and 30 minutes to finish ONE project, he would have a happy DD and DW and be done with the house in a week.

THX for letting me vent.

 

[mom2aredhead]

So sorry.

I was lucky that my husband wasn't like that because when my son was little I worked weekends so he had a taste of being a SAH parent a few days a week and realized how tough it can be too. But I did get a glimpse of what you're talking about visiting my sister recently and watching my BIL.

She jokes that he's one of the smartest people at his job, but basically shuts his brain off when he walks in the door. All of a sudden he has ADD - takes stuff out of the 'fridge and leaves it out, starts playing a game with my niece, gets up to go to the bathroom, then goes off to do something else, starts 100 "things around the house" and finishes none. I love him, don't get me wrong. But come on...

He also travels a lot for work, so she's on her own quite a bit during the week with a newborn and a 4 year old. When he's home he won't get up with the baby unless it's a Friday or Saturday night, and on those nights he races to bed at 9:00 so he won't be "too tired". The baby still gets up a lot and he'll do one feeding, but that's it...if she gets up again he did his job and its her problem.

I think sometimes they forget that when they watch the kids for a few hours and get frazzled, that's what you do ALL DAY. The days I was home I would have LOVED to have a lunch hour, 40 minutes in the car to myself, a laptop that didn't involve someone on top of my lap...I'm not complaining I loved my time home, but it does get to be monotonous and trying sometimes.

See if you can talk him into having you go somewhere all day..or better yet, overnight so he can get a new appreciation for yuour daily life and maybe pitch in a little better when he can. If nothing else, I'd start leaving him lunch money on the counter and stay in bed until the kids get up!

I have no other advice other than hang in there and more importantly enjoy your trip!

 

[nyyankeegirl]

You're not the only one! My DH just doesn't understand what it's like to be a SAHM. I think he thinks I sit around watching TV all day. We go thru phases of him being exhausted at nite, then it's my turn. Maybe on Friday nights we are both happy to stay up a bit later -- like tonight! Set aside some time to do something together-- that usually helps us get thru another week!

 

[Jenvenza]

My BIL is like that and it drives my sister crazy, too! He works all day and then as soon as he comes home, he goes on the computer or does yard work, and then goes to bed! And they have a 7 month old!

I am very lucky my husband isnt like that. The first thing he does when he walks in is scoop up our DD and gives her hugs and kisses.

 

[Deffenm]

My DH is a SAHD and I work. I don't know if it is because I am a woman but once I get home I play with the kids and give him a break, but if for some reason I am not feeling well or just really tired he helps me out. We do make sure to spend a couple of hours a week together without the kids. My in-laws only leave 2 miles from us and they take them for 2 - 3 hours on a Wed. night so we can have dinner, go to grocery store, or whatever we need to do without the kids. That break is so nice. DH is also a soccer referree so 2 nights a week for 2 hours he gets to get out of the house for some adult time. It has taken us a while to get into a routine that works for us but if we ever feel like one of us is slacking off we talk about it right away and figure out how to fix it instead of letting it build up and then explode. I hope things get better for you. I also realize I am a very lucky lady to have such a great DH!

 

[wilderness01]

It's because he has XY chromosomes and doesn't understand! Hope your day gets better. I completely understand.

 

[donac]

I have a dh and 2 ds's. They do help if I ask them to but the shopping, the cleaning and the cooking would not get done unless I do them. Even if I am sick. The worst was last night. Ds1 cooked at his girlfriend's house because they have been having some medical problems with her sister but has NEVER offered to cook for us.
Both dh and I work full time.

 

[dis-happy]

Pack his lunch the night before and leave it in the fridge. No need for you to get up at 5:20 am! Especially after being up all night with the baby (I can relate to that too--we have a 10 month old who doesn't sleep through the night).

I can sort of understand why your dh would want to go to bed by 10, that still only leaves him 7.5 hours of sleep a night ---I know, more than you get, but you don't want him to fall asleep in the car either.

 

[Angielou1079]

I totally agree with ya sista! I am due with baby #2 on Halloween and I stay at home MOn-Fri taking care of our almost 2 yr old...on sat and sunday mornings I'm up at 6:15 am and I got to work as a waitress until at least 3pm...did I mention I'm preggo LOL so then I come home and do I get to "rest" after I work? No I have to come home hopefully get a shower...pick up the house...cause we know men don't clean up after themselfs (sorry guys) then make dinner, clean up the kitchen, bath time, and put Nathan to bed...Don't get me wrong DBF works hard at work mon-fri and he has gigs until 2 am on fri and sat night but um hello I"M TIRED TOO!! One time he thought he was being funny asked if I sat at home all day eating bon bons so you know what I did...for two days straight I didn't do ANYTHING I mean besides take care of our son...I didn't load and unload the dishwasher, I didn't do any laundry, didn't have dinner for him when he got home from work NOTHING...so then all he said was "I"m sorry I was just joking" Ever since then he has helped more but alil more help would be nice

 

[JNorris]

Pack his lunch the night before and leave it in the fridge. .

No, tell him to pack his own stupid lunch!

 

[daleswife]

No, tell him to pack his own stupid lunch!

Best response YET!!!!! LOL...... I didnt pack it this morning and when he gets home at 3pm hes STARVING!!! HA! He has a bank card and there is a mcdonalds down the road!!! He does play with the kids but hes lacking with me lately. I have let everything go before.....just sat around for a few days.....but then after that I just had a bigger mess to clean up!!! Yes I got one of those guys who thinks that He takes care of the fam by working hard at his JOB, and I am the SAHM who has to take care of the kids and the house constantly......and I Love my job....but a break would be nice or a I'll do the dishes or a I'll change the baby.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA What kind of dream world am I in to think he would acutally change the baby!!! He hands him to me and I swear he has said "Somebody needs mommy to change baby's diaper"!!!! So I I went in the baby's room, got the diaper and wipes and said YOU are mommy for 10 minutes!!!

 

[CJ's Mommy]

Hang in there, and do what you can for yourself. I understand EXACTLY how you feel!!!

Don't let yourself get burned out and get cranky with your kids. They deserve the best of you. Go out for an hour or so when you can. Even if it's just to walk around Target or sit in your car and listen to something other than The Wiggles!! Let DH take care of the kids, if you're not there then he HAS to take care of them.

 

[Cruz91]

I'm pretty sure I'm nothing like the other dads getting blasted (deservedly so) in the other posts. I recognize my wife's challenges as being very difficult and energy-draining, and she and I both respect each other's contributions to the family.

Having said all that, I have a question..... I wonder how much of this behavior is a surprise, and how much of it could have been anticipated by the guy's actions before the baby was born? I'm just curious... I was always pretty caring and affectionate etc. I wonder if those guys who don't help out were the kind of guys who, before the kids entered the picture, were always a little 'self-focused'...

 

[daleswife]

He was fine with me before the kids were born. but when my DD was born He had to work nights and keep her during the day while I worked. 3 months into that he was like YOU HAVE TO QUIT. He couldnt handle it. I can understand that. HE had to sleep some time. So I have been a SAHM for 5 years now. It just bugs me that he wont help. I can tell him how ticked I am and for a few days after he will help then go back to the "normal" routine. Oh well, I married him. Flaws and all. and I do Love him. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

Venting is a great outlet.
My DH is no use with household stuff either. He wasn't when we lived together and that sure didn't change when we got married.
When he used to take care of the kids once in a while, I'd come home to a huge mess.
I'm still waiting on him to finish the patio project that he just had to do and started last September. Now I get to clean up red mud that gets tracked in when it rains on top of everything else.

Hang in there. It'll get easier when the kids are older and can help out.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm pretty sure I'm nothing like the other dads getting blasted (deservedly so) in the other posts. I recognize my wife's challenges as being very difficult and energy-draining, and she and I both respect each other's contributions to the family.

Having said all that, I have a question..... I wonder how much of this behavior is a surprise, and how much of it could have been anticipated by the guy's actions before the baby was born? I'm just curious... I was always pretty caring and affectionate etc. I wonder if those guys who don't help out were the kind of guys who, before the kids entered the picture, were always a little 'self-focused'...

This is kind of what I was thinking. My DH was a caring, loving partner before we had children and a caring, loving partner AND father afterwards.

I'm not trying to be rude but why did some of you have a second child with someone who wasn't providing the support you needed. I mean you may have been surprised by your partner's "self-focus" with baby #1 but with each child thereafter you knew what you were getting into.

I guess I just don't understand why people choose a situation and then complain about their choice.

 

[jenga1030]

I guess I just don't understand why people choose a situation and then complain about their choice.

As one of those people who had 2 kids with my dh who doesn't do anything beside work his 40 hours a week (I even mow the lawn ) I understand the OP and others in this situation. I think she (and the others) just needed to vent, it feels good sometimes.

We all make decisions in our lives about marriage, jobs, children, Disney World , that don't make sense to others and usually involve a lot more than what the people not involved in those decisions know. And just because a decision turns out to be not so good, doesn't mean that sometimes you can't just say "this stinks!!"

And to those of you with small ones, it does get easier. My two kids are 7 and 9 now and are the biggest helpers ever!

 

[Tammysue5]

I agree it is a good thing to just vent sometimes! My DH is a good father and husband but I have had to "train" him. We joke about this but it is not always easy to see the others' side. For years I worked as an ICU RN nights... 1900-0700. DH thought it was great because I could watch the little ones during the day (no daycare) he could never understand at first why I was so tired. He started a job a few years back that he has seasonal layoff. (he can be off for 4-6 months every year) SOOOO... he became the SAHD during those months. It was NOT easy to let go of the chores that I had always done, (and I USED to be a neat freak... now, it is clean but I can live w/the dishes not being done until morning) Well, I turned the SAH thing totally over to him. (I still made DDs lunches and backpacks, helped w/homework, got groceries and paid the bills.) He struggled ALOT! This has been a real eye-opener for him. (and last year ALL the kids were in school all day and he still struggled)

WHen DH is home during his layoff he takes on the SAH role BUT I do not punish him and try to make him do it all. I help him out and in return when he goes back to work he is much better about taking on other chores. He does all the laundry for one.

Sit down and discuss what changes need to take place. I agree w/the poster that said let him make his own lunch... at least once in while. 9I have done both ways... if I have time I will jump up and make him (and DS17 lunches) BUT then if I am running late they are right there making a lunch for me to get off to work!

 

[hopesmommy]

For the pp that asked if DH's behavior has changed...yes. And he understands being a SAHM because he lost his job and stayed home for while. He is VERY compassionate and helpful with DD when I don't feel well. Before DD, the only room he got messy was his office and he was pretty good at finishing projects. I love him with all my heart and that will never change. And I hope I did not imply that it would. We all get aggravated sometimes with the people we love.