OT: How do you handle death?

[MightyMom]

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write about this on an open forum. It is something so close to my heart.

My dear friend found out last year that she had breast cancer when she was 5 months pregnant. After two rounds of chemo and radiation.... she was in remission.

On Friday she went in because she couldn't shake a cold...... to make a long sad story short.... she has terminal lung cancer.

She has a five year old son..... and her baby is not even a year old.

My heart is so heavy. I cried all night.

I've never lost anyone really close to me. So I don't know how to handle myself. I don't know how to prepare my children. (She is my oldest son's occupational therapist)

I'm terrified because I can't imagine my life without her in it..... and I'm scared for her husband and her children.

Last week she asked me to help her look up a package to WDW in September (when my family is going). Since her 5 year old was born she's wanted to take him..... but one thing after another kept them from going and she thought this would be a good year to go As long as she still wants to go.... I'm going to find a way to send her and her family. If you can offer some fundraising ideas I would appreciate it. I'm already thinking about a rummage sale or a raffle.

If you could offer prayers.... I would also appreciate it. Her name is Lupita.... and she is 31 years old.

 

[kt_mom]

I'm so sorry. It is very scary, especially when things like this happen to people so young. A very dear friend of mine was diagnosed a year ago in February with lung cancer. Last September her lungs were clear, but about a month ago she started getting sick again and things are not looking good. She is only 28.

I have cried and prayed until my eyes hurt. That is all I know to do. Then I have to turn it over to God. That's how I deal with it. I know that there is a purpose somewhere even if I am unable to see it.

I have unfortunately lost many close friends over the years. I just went to the funeral last week of a friend I have known since I was 15. He was only 32and had three children.

I think it's wonderful that you want to help her family make the trip to Disney. What a great gift to be able to help that family with. I know it won't change her situation, but maybe it can bring them a little joy in such a terrible time.

I'm sorry I don't have any ideas for ways to raise money but I would put the word out to anyone you know that knows this family. You will surprised at how many people will probably be willing help.

 

[lastminutemom]

Mighty Mom

She needs to make sure that she is getting the best treatment possible. Lung cancer is a tough diagnosis, but you never know what kind of trials might be out there.

Is she or someone researching options? If she were my friend, I would get her up to MD Anderson as quickly as possible in Houston.

With her children this young, every month she buys herself could be a blessing. There are some treatments now that aren't so harsh and may help.

 

[Stitches glitch]

I am so sorry this is happening! I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers! My mother passed away back in December, she was only 55 and we had no idea that she was sick at all. She had a brain tumor, went into the hospital on a Thursday and had passed away 3 days later. I don't know how to deal with death- every day is different and some days are worse than others.
As far as the fundraising idea, my family usually throws a benefit. A few months back my cousins son needed surgery and she didn't have the money to pay for it and didn't have insurance. So everyone got together and cooked (like a buffet), some of the family members are bikers so they rallied all their biker friends and did a bike run that morning and they charged everyone (even those that cooked) 10 dollars at the door. They had a friend that owned a bar/restraunt, all the bartenders donated their tips for the day too, and we had a great time eating, dancing and seeing family and friends that we don't get to see very often. She made enough money to pay for the surgery! Also, on the budget board there is a thread about garage sales, and the OP gave some great tips on how to get the most $$- they said they usually make $1500!!! WOW! You could also organize a bake sale at your work or school. Every little bit helps!

 

[luna99]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.. death (at least for me) is still something that is so hard to wrap my head around.. even after I lost one my best friends 3 summers ago in a car accident. I don't know what is worse.. knowing someone is sick and having the time to get used the idea of losing someone or when it is quick and unexpected, like what happened to my friend.

Ultimately all we can do is have faith that there really is something beyond all this that we experience in "life" and keep those people we love alive in our memories and hearts and share their stories.

Have you or your friend heard of the documentary called crazy, sexy cancer? It's about a young woman who found out she had cancer and decided to try to beat it by changing her lifestyle.. here is her website:
http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ as far as I know she is doing okay health wise. You can probably rent the documentary or buy it and there is a book that goes along with it.

I am a big believer in things like using laughter, positive thinking, a raw food diet, fresh air, being in nature, and love to heal our bodies... I know there have been many testimonies of people who are into the raw food lifestyle saying that they cured themselves of cancer. I do not know anyone personally who has done this..but it's something to think about. Ok, maybe I sound like a crazy hippie or something.. but that's just what I believe in... and even if those things listed above don't bring about a healing.. it would still do everyone good to fill their lives with love and laughter everyday.... since none of us really know how much time we have left anyway.

 

[bellebud]

I'm so sorry to hear about this!

I'll pray for her - you never know...

On the dis recently, someone posted about a young mom dying and she had 2 small kids, and someone posted in response with the saying "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present"... I know everyone's heard this before, but it really struck me when i read it on that particular thread. Maybe it can help you deal with it a little. There is so much tragedy in this world, and it doesn't ever make any sense. We can only go forward, knowing everyone's time will come, unfortunately some sooner than others, but hopefully we'll all be together again. It stinks though, I know!

I hope you find a way to help them get to disney. I don't have any ideas really, I'm not good at that. But I wanted to post to say so very sorry!!

 

[lntsmom]

My mom died of lung cancer when I was 16...there are things you can do.

First, tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her she can tell you anything...you are willing to listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Ask what she wants you to do for her children after she's gone.

Encourage her to make videos for each child, to share her dreams for them and to tell all her stories. One thing I miss is not having those stories to share with my own children. Offer to run the camera for her.

Is she Christian? Are you? If so, it will affect how you deal with this. My boys are now 7 and 12. Last year we were all at my aunt's bedside (I'd cared for her the last 15 years of her life...10 in my home and then 5 at a nursing home) when she died. I think it was a gift to them. They've seen death. They understand that it isn't horrible or gruesome. It is a step on the way to eternal salvation.

If you're christian, the Elizabeth Kubler Ross book On Death and Dying may be a big help to understand what you're feeling. If your friend has girls you may want to read the book Motherless Daughters and talk with her about how you can support her girls after she's gone.

As terrible as cancer is, it can at least offer her a chance to say good-bye, to let everyone know what she would want for her children, and to feel as if she's had a chance to finish her work here.

Prayers are going out for all of you!

p.s. Every cancer patient knows when it's time to fight and when it is time accept. Let your friend decide this for herself. Don't make her feel guilty for preparing to die ...lung cancer isn't one of the happy cancers and even today, most patients don't beat it. There were horrible horrible people who came to me after my mother died...and she fought the disease for 2 years...and scolded me (remember, I was between 14 and 16 when this happened!) for not having called them to tell them to pray for my mother. They were just sure that THEIR prayers would have saved her. Allow your friend to accept that she is going to die when she is ready to do so...

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I have no idea if this exists, but is there any sort of "Make a Wish" for adults? That was my first thought to help finance a Disney trip, but then I realized it was the adult that was sick.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You will all be in my prayers. I am not very good with death myself.

 

[RMulieri]

My mom died of lung cancer when I was 16...there are things you can do.

First, tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her she can tell you anything...you are willing to listen to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Ask what she wants you to do for her children after she's gone.

Encourage her to make videos for each child, to share her dreams for them and to tell all her stories. One thing I miss is not having those stories to share with my own children. Offer to run the camera for her.

Is she Christian? Are you? If so, it will affect how you deal with this. My boys are now 7 and 12. Last year we were all at my aunt's bedside (I'd cared for her the last 15 years of her life...10 in my home and then 5 at a nursing home) when she died. I think it was a gift to them. They've seen death. They understand that it isn't horrible or gruesome. It is a step on the way to eternal salvation.

If you're christian, the Elizabeth Kubler Ross book On Death and Dying may be a big help to understand what you're feeling. If your friend has girls you may want to read the book Motherless Daughters and talk with her about how you can support her girls after she's gone.

As terrible as cancer is, it can at least offer her a chance to say good-bye, to let everyone know what she would want for her children, and to feel as if she's had a chance to finish her work here.

Prayers are going out for all of you!

p.s. Every cancer patient knows when it's time to fight and when it is time accept. Let your friend decide this for herself. Don't make her feel guilty for preparing to die ...lung cancer isn't one of the happy cancers and even today, most patients don't beat it. There were horrible horrible people who came to me after my mother died...and she fought the disease for 2 years...and scolded me (remember, I was between 14 and 16 when this happened!) for not having called them to tell them to pray for my mother. They were just sure that THEIR prayers would have saved her. Allow your friend to accept that she is going to die when she is ready to do so...

I agree with you.Especially your PS. I am an oncology Rn and deal with people facing their own mortality all day everyday I work.Most of the time patients are very accepting of the end, its those that are left to ponder it that can't .Medicine is a wonderful thing and we have made great strides in cancer treatment, but sometimes all the prayers and medicine and specialists are not enough and it is just time.OP-Support your friend and loved one, and be there for her family.Allow yourself time to grieve and heal.That is the best advice i can give

 

[pbharris4]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I don't handle death very well, but am better than I used to be. I lost both my parents several uncles, aunts, friends, a nephew, cousin. It's hard.

A suggestion to maybe raise funds for a WDW trip would be something like Oprah's Big Give. I'd call local churches and businesses (along with her or her DH's place of business) and team up with them to help you raise $$ and they will probably donate as well. They also know people or others that could be willing to help.

 

[ekball]

Oh my....first of all, I'm sending a big hug your way. I know how you are feeling as I have been in your exact shoes. I lost a friend to b.c. a year and 1/2 ago, at the age of the 36. She was first diagnosed in '02, a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, & remission followed. 4 years later, when she was 28 weeks pregnant, they found that her cancer was back and metastatic. They delivered her little girl at 29 weeks, and she promptly began chemo. Sadly, she lost her battle 4 1/2 months later.

Her death was overhwhelming for me...not just the loss of my friend, but also the idea of her little girl growing up without ever knowing her mommy. The idea that my friend never got to see her little one grow up. As a mom, this was absolute heartbreak to me. I mourned the loss of my friend, but in a way I mourned the loss of 'what could have been' for her and her daughter even more.

I will just share with you something that has really helped me....
About a month after losing my friend, I signed up (along with another friend of ours) to walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, and I can't tell you how much this has helped. I won't get into the details here (you can visit the website posted in my siggy to learn more about the event), but I will just share that finding something positive to do with the grief....something that may make a difference for another woman, another sister, another mom...this has made a huge difference in taking an overwhelming sadness, and turning it into something manageable. It doesn't take away the sadness, but it gives me a feeling of hope that something can be done to stop this from hapening to someone else.

I know this doesn't help you right now, but I just thought I'd share something that has really helped me in the grieving process. Perhaps, when you are ready, you can find something similar that helps you turn such a sad event into a positive.

Until then....cherish the time that you have with your friend. Know that there are no guidelines, no scripts on how you should or should not handle things. And as for telling your son....you know, I found that if you just follow your heart, and follow the lead of your child, you'll do fine in sharing what is appropriate. My DD (4.5) knows that mommy's friend became very sick and is no longer with us here, she knows that mommy does a lot of walking and goes out of town once/year for 4 days to raise money to help people that get sick like mommy's friend. DD ran in the kids Race for the Cure 2 weeks ago (a 200 yard dash ), and she knows that we raised money that day so that other mommy's don't get sick like my friend. She's young, and it's a difficult concept to grasp, but in her own little way she gets it. She really does. Just go with your heart and what feels right when talking to DS - follow your mommy instinct.

I am so sorry and will say prayers for you and your friend.

 

[pigget74]

I sent you a pm

 

[TheDizMom]

I have lost extended family and also a child so I know a bit about grief and I wish there was an easy check list of steps in handling death. There of course isn't and as cliche' as it sounds you just put one foot in front of the other. You allow yourself to feel what you feel. You cry, you scream, you throw something, you do what you can to help your friend and just get through one day at a time. There is no wrong way or right way to handle it. You be there for your friend to lean on and talk to. You be the person she goes to when she's a mess and doesn't want to upset her children and husband. You just do what she needs you to do, and if you don't know what that is you ask her. I know from experience she'll tell you what she needs. Set up a schedule with her needs and then get her friends and family to sign-up for jobs, meal deliveries, getting groceries, babysitting and whatever else she may need help with. In the end everything you do will make her life much easier and though you will miss her and grieve for her you will know you did everything you could to make the time she has left easier.

 

[jberry5]

I wonder if you could possibly contact Disney and tell them exactly what you've stated here. Perhaps they could assist at least with some ideas, as maybe they've had cases like this before. No idea, but it couldn't hurt to contact them.

 

[notafan]

Said a prayer for her, her family, and others involved. Unfortunately I have lost too many family and friends along the way. Faith, hope and time are how I deal with it.

 

[solgent]

On Friday she went in because she couldn't shake a cold...... to make a long sad story short.... she has terminal lung cancer.

She has a five year old son..... and her baby is not even a year old.

My heart is so heavy. I cried all night.

I've never lost anyone really close to me. So I don't know how to handle myself. I don't know how to prepare my children. (She is my oldest son's occupational therapist)

I'm terrified because I can't imagine my life without her in it..... and I'm scared for her husband and her children.

Last week she asked me to help her look up a package to WDW in September (when my family is going). Since her 5 year old was born she's wanted to take him..... but one thing after another kept them from going and she thought this would be a good year to go As long as she still wants to go.... I'm going to find a way to send her and her family. If you can offer some fundraising ideas I would appreciate it. I'm already thinking about a rummage sale or a raffle.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

9/11 happened just before my twin DDs turned 6. Their friend's uncle worked in the WTC and died there. This was the first time we had to talk about how bad things can happen.

A few years later a close friend had a life-threatening condition. We took care of the children while the friend and his wife went to another city for his brain surgery. Luckily it was successful.

A couple of years after that a good friend of mine died of ovarian cancer. Her DDs were 13 and 11.

It is not easy to talk about these sad events with young children when really, there is no explanation. Unfortunately these things happen. I just thought to myself that many children today and throughout history are growing up where there is war or not enough food and we are fortunate that we were able to shield the children from the harsh side of life for as long as we did. I tried to answer their questions and just give them a lot of chances to ask. Follow their lead. It was difficult at times. My DD asked "What if the surgery doesn't work?" The answer was that he would die either on the operating table or suddenly within the next 6 months, but I didn't want to say that in front of his children. I just said, "We all hope very much that it will work."

As for yourself, I'd say just feel what you are feeling, but also
(1) know that you're strong and she and her family are strong and you're all going to cope with whatever happens. Maybe you can't imagine it, but if/when that day comes, you will deal with it.
(2) try to stay in the moment & not anticipate loss. Right now you're all here and you can have good times and create memories and strengthen your bond.

As for your friend, I'd ask her what you can do to help. Be specific, perhaps she would like you to make some dinner, or take care of 1 or both children so she can have time with the other child or with her DH, or do some yardwork for her or run errands or whatever it might be. You can tell her that you're ready to listen. And if she wants to talk about how things will be when she's gone perhaps you can tell her that you will help her children remember her.

Also I would be careful about the fundraisers. I'm not sure what you have in mind, whether you'd announce the purpose of the campaign. She might not want everyone to have so much information about her condition or to be the focus of that kind of attention.

My very best wishes to all of you.

 

[TheDizMom]

I wonder if you could possibly contact Disney and tell them exactly what you've stated here. Perhaps they could assist at least with some ideas, as maybe they've had cases like this before. No idea, but it couldn't hurt to contact them.

I think that's a great idea and definitely worth a try.

 

[mobopolo]

"What's Heaven?" by Maria Shriver. You can find it at your library or on Amazon. It's for children, but it can bring comfort to anyone. It helped my DS7 with his questions. I'm sure there are many other books out there that can help children understand terminal illness. My grandmother died of Breast Cancer. Hospice was a God send for her, my grandfather and all of us. I can't say enough wonderful things about this organization. God Bless.