OT: He doesn't want more kids.. I do...

[Keara'sMom]

First, I have to say thanks to Hope73! After reading some posts, I was beginning to think that we've ruined our only child's (dd10) life by having just her! We actually had planned on two, but circumstances got in the way, and we only have her, a much-loved, very social, very happy and outgoing little girl (we do have to have kids over more than I'd like, but she's happy, so there you go!).

OP, you're in such a tough spot, and I feel for you. My best friend went through something similar about 7 years ago, but it was about having children AT ALL, rather than having more. She's really not over "their" decision not to have kids, and it rears up in her mind and heart fairly often and has affected her feelings toward her dh. I would second the opinion that you should seek counseling. Maybe his stance will remain the same or maybe it will change, but either way you'll gain insight into each others' feelings and concerns and should come out stronger for it.

All the best to you,
Leslie

 

[powellrj]

DH and I struggled with this issue which is why we have kids so spread out.

We waited 5 years to have our first child. Once he was born, I never thought I ever wanted another child. DH really wanted another child. We had DS#2 when our oldest was 8. I was happy with the 2 boys, but then DH really, really wanted to try for a girl. DD was born 5 years later when the boys were 13 and 8 and we had been married for 18 years.

Its really something many, many people struggle with, so you aren't alone. If its truly all about the money, could you go to a financial planner and get advice?

I am getting older now and my DMIL died last month and many of my friends are losing parents. This is when people really, really miss not having a sibling. The burden is all placed on them to plan the funeral and take care of all the arrangements such as insurance and wills. People that have enjoyed being only children their whole lives now wish that there was someone to help them and to share their memories with them.

Of course there are also many people who wish they didn't have sibling because they don't get along and cause a lot of extra grief!

Good Luck with what you decide.

 

[jakoky]

Hi there, this is really a tough thing...if you dont have another, you may end up resenting DH and if you do, if may end up resenting you....i always wanted 3 and my DH originally said 2...we had our first dd, then our ds, and i remember he had told me when i was pregnant with our second that if it was another girl, we were done, if it was a boy, lets have a third-he was scared of living with 3, possibly 4 girls ...my son was minutes old when i said to him, "i get to have a third now" ...my youngest dd was born 26 months later.....i had lots of problems when i was pregnant, especially with my youngest...she was born really sick and needed a lot of bowel surgeries...my husband got "fixed" when she was just 15 months old...now, my kids are turning 16, 14, and 12 and i really would LOVE to have another(i am only 37, so i could do it)...BUT i could hardly get my dh fixed, let alone unfixed... ...this is something that just wont go away, you will really need to figure this out...it may not be now you resent him, but years from now, i wish you all the luck in the world...i do agree with some of the posters that money may not be the real issue, it may be something else...if i had only 1 child i would probably spend as much as i did on my 3..hehehe
sharon
sharon
me, dh, dd-turning 16 in 6 days-, ds-almost 14-, dd-11 1/2-
WDW-Dec 04-first disney experience for my DH, DD, DS, DD and first time at WDW for us all
DL-MAY 06-first time at DL for DH and kids , and my 9th(but the first 8 were all by the time i was about 13) so it was all new to me
Planning our trip for this fall-me and youngest dd want DL and DH and older two kids want mexico....mexico may win, but my youngest has decided that just me and her could do disneyland (haha, that would go over well)
PLANNING GRAD TRIP FOR MY DD IN MAY 2009-I CANT WAIT(WHOLE FAMILY WILL GO, ALONG WITH OUR NIECE-HER BEST FRIEND AND WILL GET THEM THEIR OWN ROOM).....

 

[bellarella]

I agree with those that say that this is a case where whomever wants least "wins." It's kind of like marriage -- if one person doesn't want to be married anymore, there is no more marriage. If one spouse doesn't want more (any) children, then that is they way it's going to be. If he is really set that he doesn't want more children, then the decision is how do you live with that? The three choices you get faced with is to a) accept it and come to peace with it, b) don't accept it and end the marriage and find someone else who wants to build a bigger family, c) don't accept it and let the resentment eat away at your marriage slowly. I think you going to counseling (preferably with DH, but go alone if he won't go) will keep option C from being your ending point. It will help you decide also whether A is a possibility, or if your desire to have a larger family is so strong that you should explore option B. If you and your DH are both so strongly set in your desires to have/not have more children, you each need to decide, if push came to shove, whether those views are more important than your marriage -- if either of you truly can't find peace in the other's world (you not having more children, him having another) then the other should know, as this is a large enough issue that it will be like a cancer in your marriage.

Good luck.

 

[2Monkeys]

Count me as another vote for counseling. I agree that it may not be money that he is really worried about, but that is the easiest thing to say. When I was pregant with DS, I worried about whether or not I could love another baby as much as I loved my first. I worried about if we would have enough time for both of them, and if we'd have enough money. I also worried about having a boy, because I had sisters and my sister had girls, and I had never been around boys. There could be many things he is worried about but afraid to say, so perhaps a professional could help with that. Like a PP said, if he won't go, you should go alone so that you can make peace with it if he eventually does 'win out'. You don't want to bring a child into a family where his/her father will resent the child, or where his/her father left because he didn't want the child.

I wish you the best and hope that you and your DH can come together and find peace with whatever decision you make.

 

[Honeymooner04]

I will have no one to help me (physically, financially and most of all emotionally) as my parents age and need care. But most of all I feel bad for my kids.

I just want to say that having a sibling does not necessarily mean that you won't have to care for an aging relative alone. My sister did nothing to help and is doing nothing to help close out the estates of my parents when they passed away. She's been more of an additional burden than any sort of help. I guess I'm just saying that shouldn't just have kids for this reason either. There is no way of telling how your children will be when they grow up, no matter how well you raise them.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Me and DH had this same issue. DH's reasons were not one particular thing, but a list of many reasons why he didn't want another child. DH said he enjoys the freedom now that our kids are older (our being able to vacation, go out with friends...just the portability in general), money issues (although like you, we are not hurting, but we're not the Trump's either) and then he said he felt he was too old to be having another child and that he would be way too old when a new baby would be graduating school, etc.. He thought that he could not give as much to a young child now (physically). In my case, DH had said he would be ok with another child previously...then he changed his mind. We never really resolved the issue. For a while I wondered if I would really be so crazy to have another baby if it weren't for the fact that DH said no suddenly. Prior to that, I was in no hurry to have another. For me, I think I was more resentful that the choice was being taken away from me. I never thought about it in that way before, I just figured if I wanted another child that I'd have another and that would be that. Thankfully, I never started to resent DH. He is a good man and we have a good family and marriage. I've been a little heartbroken over it from time to time, but think that maybe it was just not meant to be for us. A year ago, circumstances changed in our family dynamic and we suddenly found ourselves with custody of my nephew (almost 2 now). DH has adapted, but I know deep down, he would not have planned to add another child to the home. The situation was thrust upon us and we stepped up to the plate out of sheer necessity. I'm not sure there is any right or wrong answer for you. Every couple and every marriage is different. In my case I would not have left DH or ended our marriage over the child issue, but who's to say how I would have felt in another few years if DN didn't come into the picture. If my heart were dead set on it and I was dealing with limited time from Mother Nature, I don't really know what I would do. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy situation to deal with. Even if you discussed this well before marriage, people change and so do their opinions over time. Possibly as OP had said, that with counseling you and DH could resolve this. Good luck to you.

 

[Colleen27]

So the quick version is that I thought my fellow disers could give me an objective outside opinion or enlightenment not complicated with family, friends to are partial to my situation....

My DH and I were both have one DD who is 8. Now while I am no spring chicken, I do have several good years left to still have kids. I have always wanted more than one child not only for myself, but also so my daughter would get to experience having a sibling. I have been asking for another child for about four years now, and DH will not budge. He comes up with every excuse you can imagine. I wanted my kids closer in age, and am now starting to think that I will not have anymore. This has become a major issue in my marriage. DH says that we can't afford, will have less freedom, the list goes on and on, but typically avoids the subject all together. The thing is he is a wonderful father. I could not ask for a better dad for my little girl. I don't get it. We are a happy family. DH and I love each other very much, but I feel like my marriage as hit a real hard spot. I don't know how to get past feeling like my hopes for our family are being ignored, even though I put him through college, followed him in the Marine Corps, etc. When does what matter to me start to count and matter to him?: We go to Disneyworld in two weeks for the first time, and DH even offered to foot the bill for our two nieces who couldn't otherwise go. Go guy right?

So am I missing something? Is there anyone out there who has dealt with this situation?

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all That is a tough situation to be in, especially when there is no discussion about it. DH & I hit the same rough spot in both directions at times. When we first got engaged, we were in agreement about wanting 3 children, but since then, we've never managed to be on the same page as one another.

I had DS when we met, so #1 was taken care of. #2 was a welcome surprise when we'd been together about 3 years. But #3 was a major sticking point. I wanted to start trying when DD was about 2. DH felt that we weren't in a good place financially and house-wise, so he vetoed that. We bought this house when DD was 3, and again I raised the issue. Again DH felt that our finances weren't enough for 3 children. Then when DD was 4 and DH had gotten a big promotion, he wanted to start trying for #3, and I had misgivings. DD was potty trained and getting a little more independant, and I didn't know if I wanted to start all over. Plus with him earning more, we were travelling more, and we all know the difference between 4 and 5 when vacationing. He pursuaded me to leave it up to fate, and we conceived only to lose the baby. Twice. After the second miscarriage, I put my foot down and refused to try again.

Through it all, both when I was in your position and when I was in his, communication is what saved us. It is tough to talk about a subject so emotional without getting angry or upset or blaming one another, but that doesn't get anyone anywhere. I wish I could say it was easy. There were times when I really resented him for saying no, especially after those miscarraiges when I was thinking that if we'd tried a year or two earlier, maybe it would have "stuck". There have been times when he's really resented me for changing my mind about a third and ending his hopes of a son of his own, especially when his brother had our nephew and commented about the baby being the only one carrying on the family name. But as time has gone on, those moments have come fewer and further between, and as our children get older and more active and keep us busier and busier, we're more and more satisfied with the fact that we decided to "settle" with two.

 

[sk!mom]

I realize it's not the same situation as you, but my friend gave me some good advice. She said that if I REALLY want another, I'm never going to be happy with not having another - that in 10 years, I'll still be regretting not having another child. If in my heart, I know it's what I want, then I should try.
QUOTE]


Yes, but in 10 years her DH may still resent having had another.

OP-
To me whatever discussions the two of you had prior to your marriage is very relevant. If either of you is changing your mind now that is a problem. I realize that none of us knows how we will change over the years but it is unfair to expect a spouse to change their mind because we changed ours.

Counseling is definitly in order.

 

[TheDizMom]

I tend to agree that this is more then a money issue. There is something else going on here and money isn't it. I know there are a lot of people out there that think they can't love another child the way they love their first one. With your DD being 8, that could play into it or there could be the "I don't want to start over again" factor. One question I have and I don't think I have seen anyone else bring up is the marine corps. You said you followed him when he went into the marines. Is he still? Could Iraq be part of the issue? I could see where if he were still in the marines he might be concerned about leaving you with 2 kids, God forbid permanently. You didn't really elaborate on that so I thought I would ask. If he still is, it may be one of those things that one just doesn't want to say that out loud for fear of jinxing it. You know how when a commentator says the pitcher is pitching a no hitter and the minute they say it someone gets a hit.

My parents had this issue my mom wanted 6, my dad none. They agreed on 1, but oops I came along. I ended up being the middle child and second daughter. My brother was also an accident , but I always had a mental block growning up feeling like my father didn't really want me. Though my brother wasn't planned either, I always felt like he was a boy and dads always want boys. I had a terrible relationship with my dad growning up because I felt he didn't really want or love me. Now I know of course that is ridiculous, but I do think there was some measure of it involved. If he is feeling this way and you have another child, you don't want your child to sense that. They will unfortunately take the blame onto themselves.

I think a counselor is your best bet to coming to some kind of mutual understanding. Even the best of marriages can benefit from it, as we all tend to get a little lazy with our relationship the longer we are married. It's the only way you are going to get to the heart of the matter. The counselor can give you an objective ear and give you some sound advice. It is really the best way for you to both get all your concerns out and truly understand where the other is coming from. You have made some sacrifices for your marriage early on, but you really don't want to use that as a tool to get him to agree with you. I know they weren't done with strings attached, but if you bring it up that way, it will only cause resentment and could continue to push him away from having more kids. While I understand that you feel like he could make some sacrifices for you too, using that as a reason will only backfire. I hope you can get to the bottom of why you BOTH feel the way you do. Good luck.

 

[cmp1111]

I don't know that I can post anything more than anyone else has said, but just know you are not alone.

My DH and I had agreed on 2 before getting married. I'm an only child (not on purpose - and agree with some of the other only posters - had a great childhood, but feel weird now as the only person to care for my parents who live 1100 miles away) - even two was scary for me. Then, we had spontaneous fraternal twin boys. Whoa. Two at once left no doubt about having two!

The boys just turned 5. Last spring, I really wanted to try for a third. I really enjoyed being pregnant, feel that we have more love to give, felt that we were doing well with kids, etc. DH just didn't. He was upfront and admitted that it wasn't JUST money, (we too, we're good but not rolling in dough) but just felt like he was stressed with the two. I *thought* that I was on the fence and just wanted to discuss it, but when he said "No," I cried for two days. Apparently I cared more than I thought!

DH said that he felt awful for denying me something I really wanted, and was really afraid of losing me. No chance - I love him SO much - but it is a devastating feeling to feel that you don't get a choice because the other person says no.

We talked about it again this spring, and he says he's closer and "to keep bugging me" but I don't want to force him into it - I want him to want another, too, just as much as I do. So, we just are sitting on it. I am still on the fence myself - thinking about potty training and sleepless nights, when we've been done with that for so long seems so hard, so I may be more coming around to his point of view.

I agree with the previous poster who says that you have the choice to live with it, leave, or stay without living with it, and upset everything. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, but hopefully you can figure out what's the most important and go from there. Good luck. I've decided that though I am somewhat disappointed, I can't let it ruin everything I have. I don't know that I'll stop wishing, but...

 

[Colleen27]

He says money but that is just an excuse, because (lack of) money doesn't stop people from having children!

I couldn't possibly disgree more strongly with this. Money seems to be the most common reason people we know decided not to add to their family. Kids are expensive, and sometimes looking at the compromises you and the children you already have would have to make to accomidate a new addition is a powerful influence on the final decision. And men do tend to weight it more heavily than women, in my experience (although that might be because most of the families we're close to have a male breadwinner & female homemaker, which does tend to put most of the financial pressures on the father). And I'm not talking major financial hardship or anything, but just the fact that maybe the boat would have to go or the family would have to travel less or college savings would have to be spread more thinly or the family would have to find a larger house and the accompanying larger mortgage, etc.

Couselling might be in order to resolve the communication issues, but it is entirely possible that the reason could be a straight forward as the financial impact of an additional child.

 

[Colleen27]

I just want to say that having a sibling does not necessarily mean that you won't have to care for an aging relative alone. My sister did nothing to help and is doing nothing to help close out the estates of my parents when they passed away. She's been more of an additional burden than any sort of help. I guess I'm just saying that shouldn't just have kids for this reason either. There is no way of telling how your children will be when they grow up, no matter how well you raise them.

Yep. My mom, my brother & I care for my grandmother. My aunt moved 1000 miles away because that's where her husband is from, and they rarely come visit, much less help in Grandma's care. It isn't that she doesn't want to help, but she has a job and kids and a home to worry about, and she's just not able to be here more.

You just can't predict how family dynamics will play out over time. Jobs and spouses and other opportunities lead people to move away, or individual personality conflicts make a nearly sibling less than useful, or committments to children limit how much a sibling is available to his parents.

 

[jupers]

This thread definitely struck a cord, however, it's the opposite for me. Dh and I have DD4. I love her more than life. But, I got very sick having her, severe pre-eclampsia, borderline stroke. Also, she was in the hospital for a month, born at 3 pounds. It's amazing we both came out fine.

Anyway, DH desperately wants #2 and I'm hesitant. I'm throwing caution to the wind and putting it in God's hands, but I'm scared to death. Financially, daycare is $1200 a month! DD will be done, then we have to start all over. $1200 a month, that's like a mortgage payment on a vacation home. Not to mention when she was when I went and got my masters now I have 30k in student loans that I have to keep deferring.

The Doc says I have a 40% chance of that happening again to me. I'm not loving those odds. I'm not opposed to number 2, but it just feels like we've finally gotten some freedom (Nana's love to take 1 but 2 is tougher). We've planned the Disney vaca of a lifetime, we're nearing the end of that huge bill. Starting all over again makes me want tums...

Any thoughts...

 

[solgent]

I couldn't possibly disgree more strongly with this. Money seems to be the most common reason people we know decided not to add to their family....

And I'm not talking major financial hardship or anything, but just the fact that maybe the boat would have to go or the family would have to travel less or college savings would have to be spread more thinly or the family would have to find a larger house and the accompanying larger mortgage, etc.

You are saying the same thing that I said. "Money" is not the reason. These families could afford another child. It is the priorities of having the boat or the travel or better college funds or a separate bedroom for each child. Since the OP doesn't see what the financial obstacle is, I believe that it is not enough for her husband to say "money" and that is the end of the discussion. Either she doesn't understand their true financial situation, in which case they should share information and perspectives until they are on the same page. Or there is some other reason.

 

[AngieWin]

Any thoughts...

First off, we are in the same situation as the OP. I want #3, but dh doesnt.

Jupers- DS4 was born 4 weeks early due to preeclampsia and my ob said that it probably wouldnt happen again. 2 years later, same thing happened! DS2 came 4 weeks early, same scenario. An internet friend of mine had the condition past preeclampsia (cant remember the name, eclampsia maybe?). Her first son (4) was born at 28 weeks and had multiple developmental issues he has overcome some but not all. Her second son (under a year) made it to 32 weeks when she had the same problems come up, but later in the pregnancy. While it isnt guarunteed to happen again, in my experiences, it has.

 

[newtowdw1]

Hi. Sorry you're so upset. I can understand, though.

I think counseling will be your best option. You need someone to mediate your discussions.

Maybe you could discuss foster care. Short term help is always in high demand. You'd both be able to share the love you feel you need to share. Or volunteer at DD's school. You'd be amazed at how many children are starving for love. Kids who are from 'good' homes as well.

My DH and I would have loved more, but my health issues prevented another. And now, well, we're comfortable. I always say if a baby dropped out of heaven, we'd be thrilled, but...

I have to say that we have a tendency to parent the world. As high school teachers we currently have a wrestling team, two clubs and a few singletons whom we parent. I'm even taking them to Disney now!

I hope you and DH can come to a resolution that will not destroy your marriage.

 

[jupers]

So I don't know if you read my earlier post, but things just got interesting. i just took a test and its positive. Talk about a sign!!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Wow Jupers!! Congrats!!!!

 

[jupers]

Thanks. I've only had 4 meltdowns in the past 24 hours!