OT: Having a second child with autism

[Frankiesmom]

Hi! I just wanted to share our stary with you. We are a mixed family-DH 47,ME 34,DsS 17,DD(mine from prev) 13, and together we have DS 4(almost 5) with High Functioning Autism,and DS 1.5 DS age 4 was a very active,hard baby-now I'm sure you all now what I mean(this was before it was suggested that we have him evaluated) he didn't sleep very well;had massive temper trantums,would engage in self injurous behaviors at times;well I thought we were finished having kids-LOL we got a surprise when DS was a little older then 2.5-well I was very depressed about going through thru this whole process again! Well little Dominic came along and it was like nite/day difference between theses two. DS didn't start the whole eval process till after his 4 yr. old physical-we just finally received his high functioning autism diagnoses 2 weeks ago. He started at a special ed pre-school in Jan. after our return from WDW and what a difference it has made! He was able to attend the special ed classes without a firm diagnosis-they knew he needed services bur to what extent was still being studied-yes a long frustrating process! LOL Anyway back to the subject-DS 4 really loves/enjoys his baby brother and DS 1.5 really loves his brother-So far I have none of the concerns that were there with my autistic son;both kids really are so different.The baby is soooo mellow about everything-except eating LOL; he has never had sleep issues;no tantrums so far-so i would have to say I'm not concerned at this point of him needing the same services that other DS has needed. So my point if you want to extend your family I would do so knowing that you will love all your children no matter what and god won't give you more than you can handle. Hope this helps,Angel

 

[BlondeAlligator]

Wow...you all are so wonderful! I have loved every one of your posts. I have shed many tears reading them, and my DH is anxious to read them as well. I know in my heart that I do want another baby & that I can handle anything that comes my way...I have always felt that being a Mom was my "calling" & I know that no matter what happens I will always love any child my life is blessed with, special needs or not.

You are all amazing people, and I hope that you all know that every day. I will keep reading this thread & will share it with DH soon!



Allison

 

[tmli]

My son (10) has the full alphabet soup of diagnosis...including Aspegers/PDD and Bi Polar Disorder and a few others. I can say with a 100 % honesty I have never asked why me? I know I am his mother and my opinion is biased but he truly is incredible. He is smart and sweet and kind and sensitive and has the greatest sense of humor you have ever seen!! Besides loving him I really like him....he is a lot of fun to be around and makes every day just a little brighter. I have been asked many times if I wish i could wave a magic wand and make him "normal"...my answer is always a resounding NO WAY!!! I would be afraid to take away any condition as I believe all of them combined is what makes him the great guy he is.

My life has changed a lot in the last couple of years....I was firmly decided there was no other children in my future. Not out of fear of having another special needs child but because of the state my life was in and personal fertility issues. Well after a divorce, some time alone to really get to know myself and the new love in my life (incredible man who accepts my son without hesitation--and appreciates his gifts as I do), I am seriously rethinking my decision. Until I read this thread I wasn't aware that in weighing the pros and cons, whether the second child would be special needs never came up at all. All the other reasons...change in lifestyle, going back to "baby care", financial costs...these are the reasons I think the decision should get some serious thought. There are no guarantees when having a baby....nobody knows that better than me. But when i think of the alternatives I am lucky DS has the conditions he has.

I was chosen to be his mother, God knew he would blossom and flourish and have a very full life under my care. I would be blessed to receive another gift just like him.....my only fear is if its possible to love another human being as much as I love him.

 

[TinkTatoo]

That's a really tough decision you have to make and I think the best advice I can give is if you decide to try for another baby to be prepared for the worst case scenario and anything better than that is a blessing.

DH & decided to start a family when I was in my mid 30's and DS was born when I was 34. We are both only children so decided that 2 children would be nice and DD was born 16 months later. We started to get concerned about DS when he was around 18 months old and he subsequently received a diagnosis of HFA, we are lucky that he is high functioning and exceptionally bright. Not long after he got his diagnosis at 4, we realized that things were not quite right with DD and 6 months later she received a diagnosis of Aspergers.

They are both two beautiful, bright, lovely children and I realize that we are lucky that they are both high functioning but It can be very hard going at times when they are both going through a bad phase, but I wouldn't change them for the world.

It did make me decide that we would have no more children as I just couldn't take the risk of another child with autism, plus I find it hard to pull my self in two directions at times so would have never managed to give 3 children my full attention. On another note they both had a recent psychological assessments and we have been told that they both also have Dyslexia so that's one more thing to deal with.

Good luck with what you decide.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

For me, I am fine with all the other factors about having a second baby...being pg, labor pains, nursing, midnight feedings (& 2am feedings, & 4am feedings!) all of that is fine by me. I do have OCD, and going off of my meds for that makes me a little nervous, but I know I can do it. The idea of holding a new baby in my arms is becoming more and more exciting.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this since I started this thread & have read all of your posts...the conclusion that I have come to is this: There are no guarantees with any pregnancy. Every opportunity in life also comes with its own unique risks. If I knew that my DD would have Autism, would I still have had her? YES! I also agree that I would not change her if I could...she has such a unique perspective on life...she is so gentle & sweet...she is never rude or talks back...she is so loving & genuine! If we decide not to try again for another baby, what wonderful soul might we be missing out on knowing? I guess it's pretty obvious how I am feeling now...I think it's what was in my heart all along, but I just needed to "talk" it through with people who've been there.

Again, I cannot thank you all enough for your kind words and uplifting stories. You have helped me out so much! Please know that I am always available to return the favor for each and every one of you!

Allison

 

[Bird-Mom]

I have a 4 year old dd who is developmentally delayed and for whom no diagnosis (other than DD) fits. I'm not pursuing anything b/c I don't want to label her any further, but her SLP really wants to pinpoint something. (I am seriously thinking about another SLP, but that is a different post). When she was 14 months old, we started trying for another baby, but after a few months, we decided she would be an only and that was fine with us. I didn't think I could handle another special needs child. Well, surprise! Along came dd number 2. I have held my breath since the day she was born, and I am just now beginning to exhale as she shows no signs of delay. For awhile she kept us guessing (even worried the evil SLP), but she is NT as far as we can tell. Now I am trying to persuade dh to go for a third child. He says no(mostly due to our ages, I think), but occasionally, he makes a comment that makes me think I will persuade him. I wouldn't change my oldest for the world. She is sensitive, kind, loving, beautiful, and absolutely amazing. Sometimes I wish my youngest would be a little more like big sis who didn't seem to go through the fussy stages as intensely as the little one is.

Good luck and best wishes as you grow your beautiful family.

 

[riu girl]

When DD was very young she had MANY issues including failure to thrive, hypotonia, sensory issues, bulimia, infantile aneroxia, developmental delay etc etc. The situation was so hard since she was in/out of hospital so much for illness/dehydration. I honestly thought there was no way I had anything left in me to give to another child and had decided that there would be no more babies.

Due to an unplanned pregnancy, when DD was 3, DS was born. Shortly after his birth DDs issues started to lessen significantly. She still has some issues (mild ADHD, anxiety, mild sensory issues) but personally I would consider these issues very mild compared to what we were dealing with when she was younger. DS just turned 6 today and is NT. Seeing the two of them together, I couldn't imagine what life would have been like if I had only had DD. They are best friends. Seeing them play together (now ages 6 and 9) is such a joy for me.

I had a miscarriage (my second) a couple of years ago, or else DD and DS would have another sibling or two by now. I really wish that another baby would be an option but due to my age and miscarriages, I have decided to put all my energy into the two amazing kids we have.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[pigletforever]

We are in the process of having our DS4 diagnosed. The Dr.s are leaning towards Autism Spectrum/Aspergers. We are in the learning stages of this problem. I am so over whelmed and not sure where to turn. We are going to WDE in October and now I am panicing about how he will handle it - being out of his enviormnet and routine. Any Advice?

 

[BlondeAlligator]

We are in the process of having our DS4 diagnosed. The Dr.s are leaning towards Autism Spectrum/Aspergers. We are in the learning stages of this problem. I am so over whelmed and not sure where to turn. We are going to WDE in October and now I am panicing about how he will handle it - being out of his enviormnet and routine. Any Advice?

I would be happy to give you some advice...can you tell me a little more about your son? Is he high-functioning? Does he have sensory issues & if so, what kind? The good news is that most of October is pretty mild crowd-wise, so lines shouldn't be too bad. You should plan on getting a Guest Assistance Card (GAC), though...there is a thread around here somewhere with tons of information about that.

We took DD last October for her 1st trip. The first day was the worst...she was so overwhelmed & had many breakdowns. I would suggest easing into your trip, stay at the resort the first day & swim, eat & nap. Travel will probably wear him out, anyhow. This way he can get used to the hotel before you introduce him to the VERY stimulating parks. Bring whatever you need to from home to help him feel comfortable in the hotel room...pillow, blankie, nightlight, stuffed animals, etc. will all help. Just be sure to put them in a drawer during the day so they don't get swept up by mousekeeping.

I would bring your own stroller from home...my DD is very picky about her stroller & would never have tolerated a rental. It's good to have in the airport as well because it can free up your hands & keep your little one safe & close by at the same time.

If your son has a lot of auditory sensory issues then you might want to start practicing with some headphones & find some soothing music or a story tape/CD he would like. A lot of the lines/parades/shows can be loud & overwhelming. My DD doesn't have this problem, but I have read on other threads about parents who use headphones to block out the scary noises for their kids.

Explain as much to your DS before you go as you can. Order the free vacation planning DVD & watch it with him so he can see where he is going. Do you use a picture schedule? If you do, then you could create one for each day of the trip so that DS knows exactly what to expect each day. Don't make it too specific, though...you never know when a ride will be closed down or something.

Please feel free to PM me if you have more questions. Our DD wasn't diagnosed before our last trip, which m ight have made it more frustrating for us because we didn't know what was going on with her. I can tell you this...she really came out of her shell there. You will hear that alot from us parents of autistic kids...WDW brings out the best in our special children. Just look at it all through his eyes & you will be able to help him & enjoy his vacation, as well as see it all as a kid again for yourself!

Please let me know if you have any other questions...I'd be more than happy to help you!

Allison

 

[pigletforever]

DS is very high functioning. He hates changes in routine, crowds, lots of loud noise. He can't wait for long periods of time with out losing it. When we are out he likes to be in small enclosed places (our grocery store has carts that are shaped like cars or school buses and he wants to ride in those he always buckles him self in)or he at least wants buckled in to a regular cart. He won't eat hardly anything. Hates the textures of most foods. So eating on this trip could be a challange. As long as the restaruants have french fries, cheese and ice cream we should be fine.

 

[playwright]

1st,
Good luck to you! Please let us know how the job goes.

 

[playwright]

Hi Dina,
I am an only child also and I am so grateful that my children have siblings. Yes, they argue sometimes, but the bond between them is wonderful, the way they help each other. We always intended to have more than one if it all possible. We had DD and younger DS before older DS was diagnosed. When younger DS started having some speech/language delays I felt overwhelmed because I thought he would have to go through everything older DS went through. Now he no longer needs speech services and all he has is extra help in reading. Siblings are the best things that could have happened to older DS. He got to be a big brother - that made him feel important. He read stories and drew pictures with them, and then he started doing the same with our friends' younger kids.

 

[hookedup]

I have enjoyed this thread because it touches my heart as a subject I ponder often. Ever since my ds was diagnosed I thought about what the chances are of another special needs child. I have had 4 miscarriages and I also wonder if maybe it's just not meant for us to have another - even though nothing would bless us more. Next week I turn forty and I had always thought that would be my cue to stop and move on. Of course nothing is ever as easy as you plan it to be.
I have made many friends with other special needs kids and many of them have expressed the same worries - it is very normal to feel that way.
I guess this post isn't very helpful to you but at least it lets you know that you are not alone! Hugs to you.

 

[LindaDVC]

no one can say what is right -- you have to do what you feel is right for your family.

As a diabetic with severe swings and DH is a quadraplegic we were exploring options and FOR US the best answer was adoption. That road isn't easy but I know it was God's answer for us and meant to be.

Our dear son -- (who just graduated by the way) is ADHD and LD and has been a challenge to say the least .........he needed a family and we needed a child so it all worked out the way it should!

Linda

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I printed all of these posts for DH to look at & we have pretty much decided that having a second child is what's right for us. I am nervous and excited all at the same time, which would be the case even if DD wasn't autistic. Even after a lousy day like today (potty training 101 began in earnest for the 5th time again today...we have had such bad luck with it in thew past & although nothing went anywhere except the floor today, I feel like this time she might "get it") I still know that having another child is right for us.

Thanks to all of you whose kind words helped us realize what I think we both knew all along. You are all very special people, and if I can ever offer my advice or support to any of you, please let me know.

Allison