OT - Going to work or stay-at-home mom??!!

[Baloosgirl23]

I need some advice from fellow DISmoms out there. Here's the background. DH and I moved away from our families about 3 years ago (out of state) for DH's job. It was the best decision we ever made as we were still newlyweds and getting our lives together. I was a teacher and after we moved started a graduated program and then found out I was pregnant How exciting!!! We tried for a long time to have our DD. During my pregnancy I was given the best job working for a non-profit organization. Once I got towards the end of my pregnancy (last 6 weeks), my boss worked it out with me that I would be able to work from home until the baby came and then again after she was born. I have been able to be home with our DD since she was born most of the time but started working 2 days a week out of the house. That worked out well but my boss doesn't seem to agree. She's offered me a little more money but wants me to work 4 days a week totally 30 hours a week. The work would be interesting and is in the educational field so I would be at least using my background, however, my hesitation is loosing time with the my DD. She's just starting to crawl and get more vocal which is too cute! I just don't want to miss out on her being this age. DH will support any decision I want, but just wants me to be happy. What would you do? Financially we could do it without me working but it would be a little tighter than it is now -- no "extra" stuff really, which isn't the worst thing in the world, I know. Sorry for the long post -- but I need to decide by next week!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for any comments

 

[annagirl]

I stayed at home and did not regret it. However, now that it has been some time and I am looking for work again, my time off is counting against me. Many interviews, no offers.

So... if you ever do plan to return to work, I wouldn't stay out too long because yours is a field where you will have to keep up your (license, certification? not sure the term) and training, yes?

 

[lsp]

Being at home has been worth it for the past 3.5 years and I am continuing to be at home, however, if you could continue to work (happy medium) from home it may be worth it. I have kind of lost that part (having a career) of my identity. Post about going back is also something to think about.

 

[Macduffy]

Ugh.... this will probably be the hardest decision you'll have to make. I live in Canada so we get 1 full year off with the kids which is the way it should be for EVERYONE IMO.

I have found a nice balance that works for me - I work 9 months out of the year plus have 2 weeks at xmas off and spring break (I work at a university). For 9 months the kids go to a local daycare and they really benefit from the structure and socialization I'm not able to give them at home BUT in the summer (when it's really fun and nice out) I get them all to myself and love it. I get some "me" time when I go to work but get some quality time with the boys.

My point is.... find a balance that works for your entire family. Will money being tight be depressing or put a strain on your relationship? Money gets tight for us in the summer and I enjoy going back to work and making a little extra $$. It's all about balance!

Look at job sharing, working out of the house AND from home and offer suggestions to your boss that will make you both happy.

Oh and one more important thing - you will always look back and wonder if you made the right decision so just follow your heart!

 

[wdwfan16]

I work for the added security of two incomes in a tough economy, to save more for retirement (two 401Ks), to setup the kids college funds and to have adult interaction.

I would take the 30 hour job. That is 8 hours per day with a 1/2 hour lunch.

 

[smkiya]

OP - Is it 30 hours working from home? If so, no commutes. Would you have to work say 8a-3p or could you work when dh came home, or when your dd is put down to bed. If you spread out 30 hours over 5 days from say 7pm to 1am, you wouldn't miss anything with dd, you wouldn't have to commute, shower, then go to bed... just walk into your bedroom after shutting down your computer.

 

[Darcy03231]

When my children were young I was the major wage earner in the family and couldn't afford to stay home. I've always said if you can afford to - do it. They are years you can never get back. However, in this economy I would be hesitant to give up a job. If your DH lost his job, or had his hours/pay reduced would you be able to make it on one income? or would you be able to find another job easily? Unfortunately these are things you need to think in these times. There have been lots of threads from people all over the US about job layoffs, pay reductions, hour reductions, unpaid leave, etc. If it were me I think I would play it safe and take the 30 hour a week job.

 

[Baloosgirl23]

No, it would be 30 hours a week, 4 days at the office (8 - 3:30) with a 30 minute commute each way so really it would be 7:15 - 4:00 pm (after dropping off DD at babysitter) -- away from DD

I think that having something "for me" would be good for both of us (me and DD) as well as the extra $$$ but at what price do you think it's "enough" to be away? Does that make sense?!

Still very confused!!!!!!!!!

 

[redhead09]

That is a loaded question, and I am sure there are soooo many people who feel strongly one way or the other.

For me, I stayed home. Yes, it was tough giving up a big salary & benefits, but the reward for me was staying home, watching my daughter grow.
However.... I too have a lost a part of "me". The "me" that was the Treasury Analyst, the "me" that was an independent, strong woman, the "me" that had time to do what "I" wanted. That "me" is gone. But I like the new me too.
I was planning on going back to work this year, however with the lack of jobs right now - I am enjoying my summer with my 5 year old!

If you can find someone to help you out (like another stay at home mom) - then I would say, go for the balance act of mom & working mom!

 

[Hannathy]

I gave up a career and stayed home with my kids and have NEVER regretted it. I would do it again tomorrow. My DH and I agreed that it was important for one parent to be home with the most precious things we have and not leaving the shaping, educating and nurturing to someone else.

 

[tyandbash]

I stayed home for 10 years with my kids and have never regretted it!! I really miss it too, but am also happy to be back working. It isn't an easy decision. Good Luck!

 

[MSSANDRA]

I am so glad I stayed home when mine was little. It was the right choice for our family.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

No, it would be 30 hours a week, 4 days at the office (8 - 3:30) with a 30 minute commute each way so really it would be 7:15 - 4:00 pm (after dropping off DD at babysitter) -- away from DD

I think that having something "for me" would be good for both of us (me and DD) as well as the extra $$$ but at what price do you think it's "enough" to be away? Does that make sense?!

Still very confused!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how reassuring this is but, there's no right answer.

I work full time and I don't love it, would love to work part time if we can afford it. I have girlfriends that stay home and I don't think it would be for me- I like adult interaction, like that I'm keeping my mind sharp and skill set current. I really like the wonderful things that daycare has given my children- they are social and play well with others, are used to a wide variety of people and are going to be very well prepared for Kindergarten. In addition, the security of an extra income and not having to literally count ever stinking penny is well worth it.

If it were me, I'd think a 4 day work week with those hours is just about ideal. I am hoping that's what I will be able to do in a couple years when the kids go to school.

Just do whatever seems right. If you go back to work, things will work out fine. If you stay home, things will work out fine. Its a win-win.

 

[TinaLala]

After realizing daycare was costing more than my mortgage DH and I decided that I would leave my management job to stay home with our girls and work a retail job at night. I did that for four years and loved the time I had with the girls as well as the 'me' time I had at work. It was tough because I wasn't putting the girls to bed at night or sitting down with them for dinner, but the time we spent together during the summer and being able to put my kindergartener onto the bus each day felt great.

Then a job dropped into my lap that allowed me to work the exact hours while they would be at school. So now I put them on the bus run to work and at the end of the day I'm able to get them off the bus. It was an issue with the summer, but we have some great programs here in town ABACUS that has worked out great as well as Girl Scout camp.

You have to really look at financially what is going to cost you to stay home and then is it worth it to go to work. Don't just look at the now look at the future as well. When they go to school, summers, vacations - who's going to watch them, what am I going to do if they get sick, is there an option to work from home. give it a lot of thought.

 

[mom2meiko]

this is a totally personal decision that only you and your dh can make - depending on if you would enjoy being home with your dd full time or not. some moms just can't stand the idea of being a full time stay at home mom and others live for it.

personally - if it were an option for me - i would never hesitate to stay at home with my kids full time. i live for each and every minute i have with them and am in heaven being on maternity leave right now. some days can be stressful, definitely, but i know the most important thing in my world is being there for my kids. sadly, it's not an option for us financially.

 

[la79al]

If you are going to lose this job if you say no, try it out for a bit and see how it works. I don't want someone else to experience my DDs firsts but it looks like in a month or so I won't have a choice .

 

[tartemis]

To reiterate what everyone else has said -- it is a very personal decision.

To me -- a 4 day work week would be the best of both worlds. If I could have done part-time, that's what I would have done. It wasn't an option for me so I went back full-time after a 6 month maternity leave. Staying at home really wasn't a financial option for us since I was the primary breadwinner, but even if it was, I think my mother would have had a fit had I stayed home (and she was a stay at home mom, btw.)

FWIW -- I never missed out on any "firsts." I was there when my daughter first rolled over, had her first solid food, took her first steps, etc. While I have a very demanding job, I'm lucky that I have flexible hours. I worked 9-5, came home for lunch for an hour, and then worked again from about 8-11 after my daughter went to bed. Also, for things like her first Halloween party, I would have the flexibility to take time off work to attend -- as long as I made up the hours later.

 

[zoemurr]

My kids are in school all day now, and I work 9-12:30 on school days which is perfect for us.

When they were little I stayed home and loved it. Make sure you stay very involved.. find a local MOMS club so you both have lots of interaction and support. We met a lot of nice families at gymboree also.

Anyway, I can't see how I would have been able to work full time. My DH has a high powered job and really can't take off for kids sick days, field trips, Dr. apts or whatever. I was always available, and with my job now I still can always get off for those types of things. I would hate for them to be the kid with no parent at an event 'cause neither of us could get time off.

Good luck. I'm fortunate that we are financially secure, but not being home with them would have been torture for me. We never even considered it.

 

[bunny]

Don't worry about missing your baby's firsts. I agonized over that and now my oldest son is 10 years old. He asked me the other day what his first word was and for the life of me I can't remember.

I have always worked and he has always been in daycare. Now at age 10 he has a big college fund, goes to private school and participates in all the activities he wants. It was very hard at first but we adjusted. He is an awesome kid and I am very proud of him. He never gets sick. I guess all the days in daycare beefed up his immune system. He does great in school and is really a people person. Daycare hasn't hurt him at all.

Sometimes SAHM's like to throw that crap out about "raising" their own kids. Whether your child goes to daycare or not, you and your husband are raising her. The daycare provider is teaching and taking care of her. She will still have your values. Don't worry about that.

I second another poster's suggestion. Try it for a few months. If you hate it, quit then.

 

[kpm76]

Don't worry about missing your baby's firsts. I agonized over that and now my oldest son is 10 years old. He asked me the other day what his first word was and for the life of me I can't remember.

I have always worked and he has always been in daycare. Now at age 10 he has a big college fund, goes to private school and participates in all the activities he wants. It was very hard at first but we adjusted. He is an awesome kid and I am very proud of him. He never gets sick. I guess all the days in daycare beefed up his immune system. He does great in school and is really a people person. Daycare hasn't hurt him at all.

Sometimes SAHM's like to throw that crap out about "raising" their own kids. Whether your child goes to daycare or not, you and your husband are raising her. The daycare provider is teaching and taking care of her. She will still have your values. Don't worry about that.

I second another poster's suggestion. Try it for a few months. If you hate it, quit then.

I agree with you that parents raise their kids, not daycare providers and it is insensitive to suggest otherwise. I would also point out though that working parents make similar assumptions....i.e. SAHMs give up their identity and dual income families are able to provide more financially for their kids. That's not necessarily the case as many families are fortunate enough to live on one salary while building college funds and sending their kids to private schools. This is obviously a very sensitive subject and I hope we can all support one another recognizing that each of our situations is different and we all make decisions based on what is best for our family. Avoiding the use of inflammatory language is key.