OT-family problems

[Rylee]

Wow, I really think you hit the nail on the end! My mom always has had difficulty with boundaries and I think my cousins need for a mother figure has contributed to the unhealthy nature of their relationship. Wmom has always been one to say whats on her mind, I should say without thinking of how that might hurt the other ones feelings. I have learned to smile and let most of it go, but at times now I guess since I had kids I have learned to speak up and if she says something that is crossing the line I let her know. She ofcourse never thinks she is crossing the line, so that is why most times it is better to just let it go and not cause any problems. I love my mother dearly and understand she is who she is and have accepted that. My issue is more my cousin stepping in and praying on everything. Truely things have recently gotten bad because my cousin has deliberately, at least I feel that way, encouraged a closer relationship with my mother. How would she feel if I contacted her mother and went away on vacation alone with her mother, surely she would see how this could be a problem? So, should I confront my mother, my cousin?? if so, what could I say? I think Shalom is right they both have similar personalities and would not even understand where I am coming from. They most likely would think I am being selfish, yes I know they would. And yes after and during the disney trip my mother took my cousins side. Another thing that irked me at that time was my cousin only talked to my mother about the disney trip....not once did she talk to me, which I always thought was so immature, alas I put that all behind me and have moved on. Its just hurtful when my mother brings her up like she is some sick cat that she needs to foster....by the way my mom does foster sick cats!

The feelings you are experiencing are normal, everyone has these feelings about one thing or another, at some time.

That said, it is also very immature.

Love has no limit... time does.

Your mother doesn't love you less just because she also loves your cousin. If their relationship is giving both of them some enjoyment, or fulfilling a need for both of them, you should not interfere or do anything to disrupt the relationship. I think you should be happy for them. Think about it... Mom, I don't want to have that type of relationship with you, but I don't want you to have it with "cousin," either. Explain that. If this is the case, it is truly YOUR problem and you need to find a way to deal with it without making it THEIR problem.

If your mother is less involved than you'd like her to be, or has less time for you and your children now because she is all involved with your cousin, and you have an issue with it, you need to speak with your mother. Be open and honest... explain you are hurt and feeling brushed aside because it seems she is choosing your cousin over you. However, if you choose to say something, you also need to be prepared for her response.

You need to recognize you have no control over your Mom, your cousin, or THEIR relationship, and you shouldn't have. You do have choices though... you need to decide if you want to "act" or "react," and whether or not you want to "work" on YOUR relationship with your Mom and/or cousin.

If you can figure out why you feel threatened by their relationship, you can address the real problem.

As for your cousin, perhaps...
either, you are jealous of her,
or she is jealous of you,
or, both.

If you are jealous of her, you needn't be. It doesn't sound like her life has been better than yours, and... she can't replace you in your mother's eyes. (You know this... you're a mom, too.)

If she is jealous of you, keep your emotions in check. If she is trying to, and knows she is getting to you, she'll keep doing things to bother you. (In this case, pursuing a closer relationship with your Mom.)

Hope you can work it out.

 

[deerhart]

Wow, I really think you hit the nail on the end! My mom always has had difficulty with boundaries and I think my cousins need for a mother figure has contributed to the unhealthy nature of their relationship. W

Boundaries are a VERY difficult part of the familial relationship and it is always harder when one party really pushes against those boundaries or is completely oblivious to them.

My parents are VERY good at knowing boundaries and also not getting offended when I or my DH lays down the boundary line. We are also very good at taking their opinion, listening, and then politely rejecting it if we so choose.

My MIL, on the other hand, has difficulty with boundaries and it has caused lots of problems in the past. DH and I have learned to control her, but when she starts up on something (like the other day in her voice she gets well just how long is ds going to have to be on these meds, you know its not good for him, and yada yada) ... not listening... Well I know longer go running with my hands over my ears!! I mean, I have had fights with my MIL over her alleged helping with the house cleaning (while I was pregnant) and her dusting my living room turned in to her rearranging and redecorating (oh those lovely pregnant hormones making me unable to control my temper!) No your not helping your making it the way YOU want and this isn't YOUR house... someone that didn't really sink into her head.

You need to step back and decide what it is you want from your mother. The type of relationship YOU want to have with her and where the boundaries are. You also have to get to the point that telling her no doesn't make you feel bad. Because if it IS, then something is wrong Either your afraid you will hurt her feelings and she will do what your cousin has done or you really don't want to say no for some reason. Only you can figure this out.

Once you decide the relationship you want, then you actively work to have that relationship. It will take effort and communication from both sides to finally achieve that.

I know my mom would get upset all the time because I rarely call her and she felt like she was the one calling all the time and was really put off by that. The problem was that I had small children and a very hectic schedule and when I did get around to making a call, Mom was always busy (as she was off doing her thing). The fact that we were able to talk about it made me realize that I had to be a bit more conscious of making sure I called my mom every once in awhile (when I was in college we talked at least twice a week like clockwork, so me having a job and a baby and then another baby etc really threw her) and she had to remember that the lack of phone calls wasn't because of her, but just life. Now we may talk once or twice a month, email once or twice a month, but they kt regular updates on facebook and no hurt feelings.

 

[dismichelle]

I can sort of relate here.

My parents have 5 kids (1 son and 4 daughters). We're all adults now and are realizing that our mom is downright weird and our childhood was difficult at best. We all still love mom very much, but I have physically (moved hours away) and mentally distanced myself from her. She likes to be very involved in our lives, but she's not someone I'd like my kids to be around daily.

My other siblings all live within 10 minutes of mom and most are still mentally close to her as well. They love her very much, but just can't handle her quirkiness all the time.

Well about 10 years ago, my brother met and married. His wife is nice enough, but absolutely adores my mom and wonders why we all don't spend more time with mom. Brother's wife (SIL), like your cousin, is also orphaned. It's the best of both worlds. Mom needs someone that's more like her and can "tolerate" her and SIL needs/wants that maternal figure that she lost as a teenager.

I'm glad mom has someone that can give her all the attention she wants from her "children" and I'm glad SIL has someone like her in her life after losing her parents so early.

Lighten up OP. For me and my family having the two of them so close has been a good thing.

 

[ShannonMB]

You need to step back and decide what it is you want from your mother. The type of relationship YOU want to have with her and where the boundaries are. You also have to get to the point that telling her no doesn't make you feel bad. Because if it IS, then something is wrong Either your afraid you will hurt her feelings and she will do what your cousin has done or you really don't want to say no for some reason. Only you can figure this out.

Once you decide the relationship you want, then you actively work to have that relationship. It will take effort and communication from both sides to finally achieve that.

Nice, deerhart! I totally agree that you need to think about the relationship you want with your mother, then work to make that happen. Whatever that means -- going on vaca with your parents , how much time your mom spends with your kids, holidays, daily interaction, how much in your business you let her be, etc.

Once you have the relationship YOU want with YOUR MOM, then you don't have to worry about what she and your cousin are doing. I can understand you being a little jealous, but you've already admitted that YOU don't want what your cousin wants from your mom, and what your mom is obviously happy to give. I'm sure your mom feels very deeply sad about how her own sister failed your neice, and I don't think there's anything wrong with her trying to "make it up to her" by being involved and helping her with her kids, especially if they are a lot alike and really enjoy each other. Even if she gives your cousin MORE attention at times, in her heart your mom knows that you were raised in a good, loving home and this cousin (who I assume she loves very much) was not. I feel sorry for your cousin. I bet she wishes your mom had been hers. Put the jealousy aside and try to understand how you would feel if the *other* sister had been your mom.

I would be nice to your cousin, but definitely no more vacations together, etc. You know, even the most harmonious families often have major conflict vacationing together -- which is why you'll read post after post after post on the DIS about going with just YOUR family on vacation or making sure everyone is in COMPLETE agreement about the way things are going to roll if going with a big group.