OT: Dilema - Keeping me up at night... (Advice please!)

[misslissa]

Man, if it isn't one thing, it is another. Some of you might have noticed a post or two of mine about my fiancee. He lost his job two weeks ago, and we were worried about him finding another one. In his field, it is hard to find a permanent, full time position. Anyway, the good news is that he found another job!!! And, not only that but it pays amazingly more than his previous one. We have been estatic!!!

But now, the reality of what is going on has just hit me...

We are engaged (obviously) and living together. We have been together almost five years now and have been looking forward to getting married.

I know that some people are able to endure long distances and times apart from their significant other. I am not one of those people. I spent a little over a month away from my DF last year and it was horrible. Miserable.

So, now here is the dilema. The new job is 1 1/2 hour drive from home. I already work an hour from home in the opposite direction.

Today, I have been crying a lot... I work in an industry (hospitality) where it is easy to get a new job... and now DF wants to move. But, I will be leaving behind family (we both will, but not a huge distance) but I will also be leaving behind a high paying job. I don't know why I have this high paying job, I think it is just luck. But, I'm scared I won't be finding something so good elsewhere.

Now, I have even considered breaking off things with DF 'cause I can't stand distances. I only work 6 months of the year, and still it is hard for me. Can anyone offer any advice???

 

[LightBurnsBlue]

So you would consider breaking things off with the DF because you would be afraid of making less money and living a little bit further away from your family? How are things with the DF otherwise?

While I do not think he would want to commute 1.5 hours every day of his life, I think it is do-able until you could find a job that suits your needs. I assume you will be putting your finances together once you are married...and is his increase in income enough to cover what you would potentially lose? And while you seem to think it would be impossible to find another job in your current salary range, you might be surprised. Why not apply for some jobs in the new location and see if they match your current salary? It couldn't hurt to try.

As far as family goes, while it is nice to be able to stop by mom and dad's whenever you please, 1.5 hours isn't an eternity away. That's about how far I live away from my parents, and my BF and I go visit them about every weekend. I sometimes drive home also during the week for the night.

Could you explain a little more why this new job an hour and a half away is a potential "dealbreaker" for your marriage?

 

[florida-again]

I certainly wouldn't consider breaking things off with your DF, but then, I'm sure it;s just the worry making you panic and think about that.
If you can consider not moving, don't and just see how things go. Then if it's too difficult for DF to travel 1.1/2 hrs to work every day, THEN consider what you'll do. You may be surprised about how quickly you adjust.

As for your job, if you have a highly paid job then chances are you're worth it, so look for the same role elsewhere and see if they'll match it.

Money is everything, and everything happens for a reason. The day will come when you'll want to have kids, maybe move home, so there are always going to be things happening that require decisions and adjustments.

Good luck!

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't see 1 1/2 hours as a big deal to commute....around here many people go further than that for work, why can't you just stay where you are and both drive back and forth to work?? Some people at my job have a 2 1/2 hour commute into work every day.....if the pay is good then the travel time is worth it....

 

[Marseeya]

My DH commutes an hour and a half to work every day. Where I live, if you want a decent job, you simply have to commute.

If you're considering breaking up with him over something so logistically simple, then are you sure he's the right guy for you? If my DH (and even before he was my DH) had to do something like that, I would go to the ends of the earth for him and there would be no hesitation.

 

[minkydog]

Here in Atlanta many, many people commute for an hour each way. Perhaps the area you live in isn't like that, but really, if you have to move 1-1/2hrs is not that far away. Not far away enough to consider breaking up with a man you've been with and pledged your ife to for the last 5 years. Unless you're looking for an excuse to breakup. If you are serious about not being able to leave your family, then you are really not ready for marriage.

Perhaps the two of you can sit down and list all the pros and cons of the situation. The fact that your fiance got a great job offer in his field has to count for a lot. I know you must be proud of him. I'm sure you have a lot of offer to. So figure out how to work this puzzle and if you really do love him and want to spend your life with him you'll find a way to make this work.

 

[dg39]

I have to agree with the other posters. 1 1/2 hrs. commute is really not that bad. My dh drives 1 1/2 hr. one way to work and 1 1/2 hrs. back home. In the summer the drive home sometimes takes him 2 hrs. because of all the traffic going to the shore. Breaking off an engagement because of work travel time shouldn't even be considered. As for moving, you wouldn't be moving that far away from your family either. Don't stress so much over it. All this talk of moving and work distance is all do-able.

 

[Serena]

Misslissa, relax. As you see that kind of commute isn't unusual. People here do it too. They have jobs in town but don't want to live here, so they travel from out in the country to work and they do it on purpose.

To me, this is just an inconvenience and nothing major. No, it's not the best situation, but it's where you are. Now you've got to decide if he's worth the inconvenience.

 

[DisTeach1]

When I was dating my husband, he moved an 1 1/2 hours away from me. I had just graduated from college and gotten my first real job. I had always lived in the same town, same house and was surrounded by all my friends. When he asked me to marry him, I knew I would have to be the one to move, because he was establishing a construction business. I moved, because I loved him and wanted to be with him. It was difficult, I quit my job and had no friends for a while. It was during a recession, so my first two years, I got laid off and it was a continual job search. But, slowly, this area became home and I established myself. It was definitely a time, but it allowed me to grow up a little more than I would have had I stayed in my hometown. Personally, I wouldn't move unless I was married, because it is a huge thing and we needed that commitment behind us. Otherwise, I would have run home a few times! If you love him, you can build a new life in your new town.

 

[Disney Doll]

So, you don't want to move 1 .5 hours away from your family for the man you love?

Rethink your marriage.

I mean, look at what you wrote...

~You were both worried that he wouldn't be able to find another
~He found another
~It's 1.5 hours away, which, while it is "do-able" is still a long drive daily
~You drive an hour to work
~You're thinking of breaking up with the man you have shared your life with for the past 5 years over a drive
~Your industry is easy to find a job in...granted you may take a pay cut, but that can also probably be made up in time

Here's what I see:
~Where you live now is inconvenient for both your jobs since each of you has at least an hour's drive to & from work daily...that's 2-3 hours per day in the car, which has to stink in the winter in Niagara Falls!
~You'll have the easier time getting another job, according to what you say, based on the fact that you are in the hospitality industry
~Marriage is about compromise. This time you have to do it...next time he may have to. He's not asking you to move to China...he's asking you to move probably an hour or so away...still relatively close to be able to see your family, pretty much whenever you want...you drive an hour to work now, every day...why is it so much worse to drive an hour to your family?
~If you truly don't think you can do it, let him know now so he can make decisions about his future, which may or may not include you.

Good luck.

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

If you're considering breaking up with him over something so logistically simple, then are you sure he's the right guy for you? If my DH (and even before he was my DH) had to do something like that, I would go to the ends of the earth for him and there would be no hesitation.

My thoughs exactly...millions of people have to commute over an hour to work. He will be coming home at night, right? When someone says "long distances", I assume that they mean that they will be living apart for long periods of time, not simply a long drive to work. You may not see it from where you're standing, but you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

[misslissa]

Wow... I'm really overwhelmed with all of the responses... I was kinda feelin' stupid for posting something so personal on here. But, thanks again for listening and sharing. I haven't gotten to the bottom of the page yet but I'd like to add a little note about the commute. DF's job is about 1 1/2 hours away from home... I work about an hour in the opposite direction. It is about 2 1/2 to 3 hours of a 'commute' so that isn't really an option.

 

[misslissa]

You know how everything always seems better in the morning???

That's how I feel.

I was up all night thinking about it and the above poster is right about me making a mountain out of a molehill. I say that I would consider breaking up with DF and yes... the thought might go through my head, but I realize that it isn't worth it. For me, this really is the only major issue (right now) in our relationship... otherwise, we are very happy and stable.

The biggest thing that upsets me is that DF finds that 1 1/2 hours is impossible for him. Maybe that will change once he does it a little longer. He starts Monday, it is all very exciting... but like you can see, I also don't do really good with change.

Thanks for the encouragement in finding a new job, there has got to be something there than I can do and I don't need to find anything immediately. I really appreciate it.

 

[minkydog]

Wow... I'm really overwhelmed with all of the responses... I was kinda feelin' stupid for posting something so personal on here. But, thanks again for listening and sharing. I haven't gotten to the bottom of the page yet but I'd like to add a little note about the commute. DF's job is about 1 1/2 hours away from home... I work about an hour in the opposite direction. It is about 2 1/2 to 3 hours of a 'commute' so that isn't really an option.

What? I guess I'm kinda dense because I'm not understanding your math(2-1/2 to 3hrs ) Home is a one hour drive in one direction from your work. Home is a 1-1/2 hr drive in the other direction from Fiance's new job . Right? As I see it, your options are to 1) Stay where you are and each of you commutes to your respective jobs or 2) Fiance establishes himself in a new place and you see each other on the weekends or 3) Fiance moves to the new place and you follow him, getting a new job and establishing yourself in the new town and visiting your family on the weekends.

I guess there's always that 4th option: ditch the fiance, keep the job, stay in your hometown and refuse to grow up It worked for Peter Pan.

 

[hiwaygal]

The biggest thing that upsets me is that DF finds that 1 1/2 hours is impossible for him. Maybe that will change once he does it a little longer. He starts Monday, it is all very exciting... but like you can see, I also don't do really good with change.

Here's my two cents...if he hates it now before he's even started doing it every day, he's not going to think "it's not so bad" after a year or more. To me, that's a long commute. I left a fairly good job because I could stand that kind of commute anymore (did it for 8 years).

I think starting to look for something closer to where he works (since it would be easier for you) is a good idea. There is nothing wrong with moving forward with your life.

Good luck to you!

 

[phorsenuf]

I certainly wouldn't up and move so quickly. Yes 1 1/2 hours may seem hard for him but what if this job doesn't work out for him? Than you left your good job and you've moved away. Give it some time to see if it all works out first.

 

[christinadei]

You didn't think he'd find a job and he did, and it paid better. You never know if you can find a job that pays what you make or better, unless you try. So I say stay where you guys are and commute for now, in the meantime, start looking for work in the town that DF's job is in. Who knows, maybe you'll find something perfect, just like he did! And if you end up taking a small paycut, no big deal, since he's makign mroe anyway. It just makes more sense. You could always take a job there and keep looking for a better one.

I have gone through something similiar and me and DH (DF then) decided on what was best for us and we've both made sacrafices, but the important thing was that we were together, wherever we ended up living. I ended up leaving my well paying job for a lower paying one, but I kept looking for work and 6 months later found one that paid better than my previous job. I'm still here now, 4 years later, making considerably more and have received my Associates Degree and am working on my bachelors. This job is paying for it. I never would've found it unless I took that chance and quit my job and went on faith!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know what the bottom line is to your issue???

After 5 years and no marriage proposal? No ring and a date? That is the problem deep down.

Now he is going to move and still you are unmarried?

I can see where moving away from family would be an issue as an unmarried woman. You feel you will follow him, change YOUR plans and he STILL won't marry you.

In fact, it is usually the other way around. A MAN that loves his woman and wants to keep her would be down on his knee and explain that even though he is asking you to go away from YOUR family you two will be creating a new one, as a married couple.

And that is how I see it.

 

[Marseeya]

You know what the bottom line is to your issue???

After 5 years and no marriage proposal? No ring and a date? That is the problem deep down.

Now he is going to move and still you are unmarried?

I can see where moving away from family would be an issue as an unmarried woman. You feel you will follow him, change YOUR plans and he STILL won't marry you.

In fact, it is usually the other way around. A MAN that loves his woman and wants to keep her would be down on his knee and explain that even though he is asking you to go away from YOUR family you two will be creating a new one, as a married couple.

And that is how I see it.

Depends on how old they were when they got engaged. I have no idea how old the OP is, but she could have gotten engaged to this guy in high school, so a five year engagement is probably very smart.

But five years after the mid-twenties or so... that's a different story.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Depends on how old they were when they got engaged. I have no idea how old the OP is, but she could have gotten engaged to this guy in high school, so a five year engagement is probably very smart.

But five years after the mid-twenties or so... that's a different story.

True. But a engagement implies a "ring and a date". Without it your are just living together. Hence the problem she has leaving her family and job. Honestly would you do that for a "boyfriend"? Think about it.
So she moves, finds a job, and then they "break up". She has a lot to lose. He does not.