OT-Dealing with a know it all

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Me and DH have a couple that we hang out with socially-they do not have children. This is not the issue, as many of our friends are childless (either done raising them or haven't started yet). DH enjoys having a pal and it is rare for him to have a buddy-he usually keeps to himself and is quite content. I like the wife and we do get along well in general, except that she is one of those know it all's. No matter what the topic, she is an authority-you could bring up aerospace technology and she has some personal expertise to add. It wouldn't be so bad, but more often than not, she is simply talking out her backside. I will know she is dead wrong on something, but I don't call her on it because for me it is just not worth it-unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I am very laid back these days (used to be wound very tight). The one thing that irks me to no end however, is when she becomes an authority on all things child related, specifically parenting. I don't need to hear her recommendations based on some book or article she read and quite frankly, I'm tiring of it. DH once said to her that until she had her own, she should not be giving advice. Her response was that she has many nieces and nephews and has plenty of experience with children. While we don't discount her role as a dedicated aunt, I seriously have a problem with taking advice from someone who has not had 24/7, 365 days of the year experience with a child-and even then, what works for one parent and child doesn't necessarily work for another. I don't talk to her about anything to do with my kids, basically because they are good kids and I need no guidance from her, so it is not that I am soliciting this from her-she just feels it necessary to offer up her pearls of wisdom on whim.

Me and Dh are so fed up that we have already decreased our availability to see them socially. Subtlety does not work because when we see them still, the behavior continues. We already tried the direct approach and that didn't work either. I'd hate to end the friendship, more for DH than for myself. I just don't think this woman realizes how off putting she is. We have entertained at our home and a number of other friends commented at our most recent barbeque that they would rather not come to anything she is a part of. Normally I would say that is awful, but I understand exactly where they are coming from. Has anyone else had a situation like this? How do you tactfully handle this while preserving a friendship?

 

[Stephres]

When one of my friends was pregnant she had a single friend who practically demanded that she have a water birth because she read some article about it. At first she laughed it off but she got more and more persistent and she finally had to tell her to back off.

I'm not really sure how to deal with a know it all that all your friends hate, but your husband likes her husband. Maybe he can just do guy things with him and cut out the couple events? Good luck!

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

I used to have a friend like that - she had no kids of her own but was always telling us (our whole group of friends) how we should raise ours.

Worse was when we were togther she would just in and parent our kids when we were right there. You know: "oh no, so and so, don't do that." It was so annoying. It would be one thing to hear it from someone who has had a child and knows what they are like but from someone without it is harder because how much experience to they have in the day to day stuff? The ran a daycare out of her house but she tended to lose clients quickly -- our group suspected it was for this very reason.

We stopped being friendly for other reasons and then she moved away.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Yes, to say that our friends and family do not like her is an understatement. I don't know, really deep down this woman is a good person at heart, but she is terribly abrasive and pushy at times. I often think that her know it all routine is just her way of trying to be accepted-backfiring terribly though if that is the case.

One time we were on a cruise with them and were reading over the daily newsletter and there was a spot that said there was a "Friends of Bill W" gathering in the library that evening. DH did not know what that was and before I could answer him, this woman pipes up and says that it was someones family reunion that is taking place on board. I could not help but bust up laughing because I know Friends of Bill W is for AA. That time I DID correct her. You'd think that would make her think twice about opening up her mouth before inserting her foot...I'm at wits end. This is just typical of what goes on, so could you imagine getting parenting advice from her?

For light conversation, dinner or a shopping trip she is ok company. I wouldn't consider her a GOOD friend by any stretch. DH says that his friendship with her husband is not that important and that he does not understand how I deal with her one on one. Still, I feel kind of bad because it is rare for Dh to have any friends he sees regularly. His best and closest friend passed away rather suddenly last year. I don't know if just the men doing things together would fly. I feel like I can't win.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

One time we were on a cruise with them and were reading over the daily newsletter and there was a spot that said there was a "Friends of Bill W" gathering in the library that evening. DH did not know what that was and before I could answer him, this woman pipes up and says that it was someones family reunion that is taking place on board. I could not help but bust up laughing because I know Friends of Bill W is for AA. That time I DID correct her. You'd think that would make her think twice about opening up her mouth before inserting her foot...I'm at wits end. This is just typical of what goes on, so could you imagine getting parenting advice from her?

Okay, that's hilarious. I laughed out loud!

I think the only thing to do is have your DH hang out with the husband, and cut her out. She's not going to change, and no one can stand her, and although she may be a good person she's not going to rise above this insecure and annoying habit. Let the two guys spend time together and have the night to yourself! (Or as much as that works when you've got kids. )

 

[Gillian]

My father & my husband have guy friends that they see alone. My dad has one friend who is separated from his wife, and my mom doesn't like the new girlfriend much, so the guys do stuff alone. And my mom hasn't been inviting them to social things, don't know if that will change.

DH & I both try to plan guys or girls nights own, so that we get a little down time, away from both work and the kids. We'd rather be together, but sitters are too expensive for a lot of date nights, so we take turns.

Other than that, I'm sorry that this friend is so difficult!

 

[design_mom]

Ugh...I'm so sorry this friend is being so difficult.

My SIL is a post-partum nurse and has always been a self-described expert on children. When we adopted our DS (as a toddler) she told me *all* sorts of stuff I should do. She was childless at the time, and when her own son became a toddler she didn't follow *any* of her own advice.

At least it was fun to watch. She still thinks she's an expert, but now I just say "Uh-huh, thanks." and ignore her! It's still annoying sometimes though.

Good luck with dealing with her. I like Gillian's idea of a guy's night out for your DH.

p.s. LOL about Friends of Bill... When we went on our first cruise I also wondered about that, but I certainly didn't say "I know what it is."

 

[lonegirl]

Okay...I feel your pain. But in our case, we have TWO and they are married TO EACH OTHER and they are the ultimate authority on EVERYTHING, will freely express their opinion on everything without being asked for it, will argue everyone else's opinion, etc. and to top it off, they are DH's sister and husband. They are also both Ivy Leaguers (not overgeneralizing here...they like to point it out to everyone and talk about high school GPAs and SAT scores...we're all in our mid-30's now) DH and I are merely public university graduates (though I have my masters and neither of them do) Spending time with them is not optional. It happens every family event and holiday.

That being said, DH and I were fully fed up as well. They just now had their first child and we have DS4 and DS2, so we've been hearing it for years about our kids. After much energy wasted being fed up, we decided to have some fun. We feed into it totally. "Brother-in-law, you know so much, can you tell me what is going on in Iraq with such and such?" "sister in law, what do you think of so and so?"

We get some fun (only DH and I are in on it), they get to be experts and everyone is happy. It probably sounds immature, but if you can't beat them...

We figure by now they probably think DH and I are the least intelligent people around and they probably feel sorry for our children, being raised by such schleps...

 

[Disney Mommy 3]

I agree with all who say let DH hang out with him and cut her off!! Is there any reason the guys can't go to a game, or play golf or whatever and the wives do not have to be together? If the other guy asks, just tell him the truth. I can assure you he will have heard it before. The posts about her did make me lol!! I have one in my family and it's getting harder every visit. I have spoken to the spouse about it. They said they knew-they can't even talk about anything without getting corrected!! I would just scream if my dh acted like that!!

But I will not let someone who doesn't even have kids, or didn't do too hot with their own, tell me how to raise mine! That is a touchy subject I think for all mommies!!

 

[KMZOB]

I'm so sorry you have a "friend" like this. How frustrating. My DSIL is this way. She and my DB do not have children, but when she was just up visiting this past May she was telling me how to Potty Train my kid, and what he should and should not be doing. I really try hard to ignore her comments as I know I will laugh when she actually has kids...but having someone always telling you what to do without them having experienced it is quite annoying to say the least!

Good Luck!

 

[xmansmom]

I feel like I can't win.

You're right about that. You just can't win with someone like that. I worked with a "know it all" once and it drove me crazy! When I finally started calling her on stuff it just made her worse.

I see why you want to help your husband maintain the friendship. You're a great wife to be willing to put up with "her"! LOL Maybe he could call his friend when you have other plans and let him know that he's on his own for the night and suggest that they get together. I would probably try to get together as couples every once in awhile at first and then slowly pull away. It may not be possible if she is as pushy as the woman I worked with but it's worth a try. Good luck!

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I guess it is worth giving it a shot with DH trying to do guys only things. If that doesn't work then we will just have to nix the relationship completely, although slowly over time. A few years ago I would have never let it get to this point, I would have told this woman where to go. I've tried to be a bit more tolerant as I get older and not always say what springs to mind (I've learned it takes more self control for me to just shut my mouth and smile). No matter what, I've never been the type that wants to intentionally hurt someones feelings, so I guess that is why the situation has pained me for a bit. DH keeps reminding me that some people are just miserable and downers and they will not change. You guys have helped me feel like I am not a witch for wanting nothing to do with this woman.

Lonegirl-You had me rolling with the Ivy Leaguers! My youngest sister is one of those-she went to Princeton and she touts it like it is a badge of honor that makes her better than the rest of us-like we are so uncultured and uncouth. Scary thing is she is book smart only...so SAT scores and MCAT scores only take you so far in life IMO. She is dumb as a tree stump in everyday life and in social situations-even my parents say that. She doesn't have many friends because she has this superiority complex. I don't know...I have my Bachelors and most recently my Masters, but I never really find an occasion where I have to throw that out there in a conversation (aside from stating it now). I always figured that those who have to toss that out in conversation are trying to seem like they are an authority or better than others-Ivy League or not. But anyhoo...I know just where you are coming from and I feel your pain 100%!

 

[NU2WDW]

The next time she lectures you on child-raising, look her straight in the eye and say very firmly without a smile, "You know, Suzy, I was a MUCH better parent before I had children, too."

If chickie doesn't take the hint after that, cut her loose. You probably won't realize the stress she causes you until you do. BT/DT.

 

[ZuZugal]

Cut her loose. You'll be glad you did. I had a friend like this once. I could tolerate her okay. Then I finally quit calling her and didn't return her calls. What a RELIEF it was!! I didn't realize until a few months of not getting together w/her how much of a strain she was on me. My DH and her DH still talk, and I'm nice to her, but that's it.

Life is too short to constantly be under someone's thumb.

 

[ukwildcat]

I think this subject hits home for a lot of people. Know-it-alls remind me of teenagers (no offense to teenagers, we were all there at one point). For me, when I was in my teens, I knew everything and told everybody about it. Especially my parents, who were the dumbest people on Earth (or so I thought at the time).

As the years passed, I began to realize how much I didn't know. And so it has been, the more I learn the more I realize how much I don't know. I think once you reach that point it marks a certain level of maturity (not that I am mature, just ask DW).

My guess is your friends are very insecure, and more or less haven't matured. Just my 2 cents.