OT: Dd in trouble @ school need advice

[smylie1]

Call me "old school" but I'm definitely in the minority here. For something minor (that I wouldn't know about or just get a quick note sent home from the teacher), I let the school punishment be it. But our rule for something that involves hurting someone, lying, cheating, being devious, destruction of property, or anything that warrants a trip to the principal (which is always also a call home at our school) is this - take the school punishment & double it at home. If you get a day of detention at school you get 2 days grounding at home. If you have to write a 1-page essay to explain something you did, you'll be writing 2 pages of something of my choice at home. Thankfully these instances have been far & few between (so far!) but we make the rules clear, and follow through with the punishment.

I totally agree! In our Kindergarten class, we have a "treasure" system. Dynamic Diamond, Oops Opal, Sad Saphirre, and Gloomy Garnet. I can tell you just about every child will get an Oops Opal or Sad Saphirre (and may get one several times a week) for things like not paying attention, talking in the hall, playing in the restroom, etc. They usually have to "walk the plank" (a short sidewalk beside the playground leading to one of the classrooms) for 5 minutes before they can join in recess. We always send a note home letting the parent know what happend and the consenquence. To me, these things have already been "punished". If it were my child, I would talk to them to make sure they understand why they were on Oops Opal (or whatver) and leave it at that. Like PP said, if it became a bigger issue, the teacher is sure to let you know and then stronger action could be taken, but for everyday stuff, I wouldn't do anything further.

 

[MariDisney]

You've gotten some good advice. One other thing to consider is that sometimes children who are struggling socially will commit minor infractions if they know the consequence is losing all or part of recess. Usually it's not a conscious decision, but just a behavior pattern that gets reinforced.

 

[LUVDZNY2008]

One more tip that is being recommended more frequently now--10-15 minutes of Yoga in the morning (before school--I know, who has time for this before school)..it is supposed to very helpful with relaxation and helping with concentration

 

[dreamer17555]

I guess I am the only one who see it differently....

I do believe in Home Punshments on top of school given ones, especially with repeated behavior. Being told not to do something (ie, tipping back a chair) and to keep doing it is rude and disrespectful. As for talking in class I expect that to sometimes happen in a 1st grader but by 3rd grade I would expect more.

My DD is 7 and has been raised that adults, especially teachers, are to be treated with as much if not more respect than how she treats me and her father. (Not that she treats us badly- she is more apt to whine to us, but never in front of another adult). Only once has she flipped her card (running in the hall, 1st grade) but she was grounded for that weekend (happened on a friday) and it never happened again.

If a teacher is calling you that means there is a problem big enough that they cannot deal with it alone in their classtime. I would see what the teacher recommends but honestly with the not telling you about being in trouble (which would be considered a big Lie in our house, you asked and she said fine) and repeatedly being in trouble I think some at home punishments are not unwarranted.

-Becca-

 

[LUVDZNY2008]

I guess I am the only one who see it differently....

I do believe in Home Punshments on top of school given ones, especially with repeated behavior. Being told not to do something (ie, tipping back a chair) and to keep doing it is rude and disrespectful. As for talking in class I expect that to sometimes happen in a 1st grader but by 3rd grade I would expect more.

My DD is 7 and has been raised that adults, especially teachers, are to be treated with as much if not more respect than how she treats me and her father. (Not that she treats us badly- she is more apt to whine to us, but never in front of another adult). Only once has she flipped her card (running in the hall, 1st grade) but she was grounded for that weekend (happened on a friday) and it never happened again.

If a teacher is calling you that means there is a problem big enough that they cannot deal with it alone in their classtime. I would see what the teacher recommends but honestly with the not telling you about being in trouble (which would be considered a big Lie in our house, you asked and she said fine) and repeatedly being in trouble I think some at home punishments are not unwarranted.

-Becca-

While I respect your opinion, and every child is different..I get concerned for a child that may not be able to control their inattention, or impulsivity. These children are not "bad" with "bad behaviors" and they do not mean to be "disrespectful". There are strategies that can be used to help children attend better, let's hope that teachers are becoming more aware of them. Maybe the teacher (for OP's daughter) should consult with an occupational therapist at the school for suggestions.

 

[tricia]

Teacher here. My take is always that problems at school are dealt with at school, unless they get big enough to need a team effort. I let parents know what is happening at school so they can be "in the loop", but I do NOT recommend that a consequence at school be followed by a bigger one at home.

Your DD talked in class, she lost recess, end of story. If I were her teacher, I would do just as the poster above suggests, and keep track of when she does NOT talk and point that out to her. "I notice how quietly you are working, Jane. Keep up the good work!"

I think you were asking if you should continue the at-home punishments if the talking continues. IMHO, pile-on just makes kids feel discouraged and bad about themselves. And despite what some parents think, I do not find that guilt leads to better behavior, just sneakier behavior.

I agree with you. One punishment is usually enough. If I get a call from the school I ask the teacher if and how they are handling it. If it seems fair and appropriate to me that is the end of it. Except maybe to ask DS what was going on, and remind him to be on his best behaviour.

Call me "old school" but I'm definitely in the minority here. For something minor (that I wouldn't know about or just get a quick note sent home from the teacher), I let the school punishment be it. But our rule for something that involves hurting someone, lying, cheating, being devious, destruction of property, or anything that warrants a trip to the principal (which is always also a call home at our school) is this - take the school punishment & double it at home. If you get a day of detention at school you get 2 days grounding at home. If you have to write a 1-page essay to explain something you did, you'll be writing 2 pages of something of my choice at home. Thankfully these instances have been far & few between (so far!) but we make the rules clear, and follow through with the punishment.

Yep, in my place when it involves resorting to violence to solve a problem at school said child gets a certain number of days with no electronics (TV, computer, Game systems). The number of days starts at 2 at the beginning of the year, and increases by 1 day for each additional incident.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I totally agree! In our Kindergarten class, we have a "treasure" system. Dynamic Diamond, Oops Opal, Sad Saphirre, and Gloomy Garnet. I can tell you just about every child will get an Oops Opal or Sad Saphirre (and may get one several times a week) for things like not paying attention, talking in the hall, playing in the restroom, etc. They usually have to "walk the plank" (a short sidewalk beside the playground leading to one of the classrooms) for 5 minutes before they can join in recess. We always send a note home letting the parent know what happend and the consenquence. To me, these things have already been "punished". If it were my child, I would talk to them to make sure they understand why they were on Oops Opal (or whatver) and leave it at that. Like PP said, if it became a bigger issue, the teacher is sure to let you know and then stronger action could be taken, but for everyday stuff, I wouldn't do anything further.

I agree with this, I feel my child has already been punished, I don't think it's fair to punish them twice unless as you've said, they've had to call home because usually at that point someone is getting hurt. When my children misbehave by talking out of turn or something I talk to them about it and remind them of our expectations and that usually takes care of it. I love the way my DS's kindergarten teacher does it. They have the red, green and yellow light system,but if they get on yellow they can get back on green if they straighten up. Plus if they stay on green all day they get a sticker and after 10 stickers they get to get in the "goody box". My DS can be a handfull, but he WANTS those ten stickers!!

You've gotten some good advice. One other thing to consider is that sometimes children who are struggling socially will commit minor infractions if they know the consequence is losing all or part of recess. Usually it's not a conscious decision, but just a behavior pattern that gets reinforced.

I agree with this, my then 9yo DS did this last year, he would not turn in his homework (even though he had done it) so he would have to walk laps at recess instead of play because he didn't have anyone to play with.

So OP, the first thing I would do is ask your DD why she's continuing to misbehave, maybe even ask "Do you want to miss recess?". Explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable and since it's becoming a pattern she will be punished at home if it continues by grounding her or taking something away important to her. If it is a social reason maybe you could give her some tips on making friends or talk to the teacher, maybe the teacher could get her involved in a pick up game of kickball or something.

I also want to add that I too hate it when teachers punish kids by taking away recess, especially when they take it away from the entire class, they're only punishing themselves by not letting the kids get their energy out! Kids need that break, fresh air and exercise.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

If the girls come home with a note or on "yellow", they're unplugged for the day-ie no tv, no computer, no video games.

It doesn't hurt them, and it's incentive not to get on yellow again. It doesn't happen often.

DD9 just brought home a 65 on a math chapter test . Her excuse was that she "never understood it." . She had two weeks to tell us that she didn't understand it so we could get her extra help and work on it with her, instead she played at her friends houses last week. Guess what? No playing with the friends for a while...

 

[AZMermaid]

I teach 3rd grade and we do a Responsibility book that the kids sign. If they sign it once (usually forgot homework, talking, coloring on whiteboards instead of doing math, smaller type things) it stays between us. They miss one recess (we have two a day) and stay in the Responsibility room (which is one classroom each day). I tell my parents that they probably don't expect me to punish their kid for things they did at home, so I don't expect them to punish them for things they do at school. If there is a repeat offender, I will call and talk with the parents about it, but I don't have a lot of those.

If they sign twice in a day, they write a note home and 3 times they call home. I tell the kids it is not my behavior that got us here, so I am not the one who has to make that call. I do get on the phone after the child has spoken with mom or dad. Trust me- this only happens once! When the kids call, they are really forced to own their behavior.

This works for us, but I have had classes (and kids) where it doesn't work as well and I have to adjust midstream.

 

[Sandy321]

Teacher here. My take is always that problems at school are dealt with at school, unless they get big enough to need a team effort. I let parents know what is happening at school so they can be "in the loop", but I do NOT recommend that a consequence at school be followed by a bigger one at home.

Your DD talked in class, she lost recess, end of story. If I were her teacher, I would do just as the poster above suggests, and keep track of when she does NOT talk and point that out to her. "I notice how quietly you are working, Jane. Keep up the good work!"

I think you were asking if you should continue the at-home punishments if the talking continues. IMHO, pile-on just makes kids feel discouraged and bad about themselves. And despite what some parents think, I do not find that guilt leads to better behavior, just sneakier behavior.

Thank you - I also taught 3rd grade and have a very similiar view from a teaching standpoint...

Now I have a dd in 7th grade - 3rd grade, and 6th grade were HORRIBLE -

Since it is the beginning of school, I hope you will keep the lines of communication open, not just with the teacher but with your child. How does your child feel about the punishment? Does she understand the consequences of her talking? Why is she talking out of turn>

it could be 99% of the time a lack of attention, just wanting to join in -

in my dd case the teacher had a "rule" Anyone but my dd can answer the question! From the teacher point of view, she wanted other kids to be part of a discussion, etc - I dont think she handled it well - from DD point of view she was being punished for "knowing"

Again it was a delicate road I walked - I believe dd HAS to be respectful - but it was hard to explain why the teacher wasnt being respectful - esp as the year unfolded and "stuff" kept coming out - enough that I got the superintendent involved...

DD is smart, and does get bored in class - she needed to work with the social worker to 'figure it out' - again, it was a school problem, so I wanted the school to work with dd -

Home was dd safe place - not a place to be further punished. I still reinforce that you have to get along, and just do the work for a teacher. A teacher must be respected. But I refused to further punish her at home, home she could talk about her frustrations, and we could work together.

Good Luck...

 

[Lakeside Pirate]

I am in agreement that punishing at home is redundant. We certainly talk about the choices that were made that lead to moving from green to yellow, or whatever the case may be, and what the expectations of the teacher and their mom and me are for their behaviour in this situation for the future. They also understand that if there is repitition of the same behaviour and choices at school then there are consequences at home including loss of TV, video games, weekend activities depending on the issue. Also, communication with the teachers is essential to understand their expectations.

 

[LauraAnn630]

If my kids get in trouble at school they lose privileges at home for that day.

I think that shows that we are in agreement with the teacher and the rules must be followed.

 

[mjkacmom]

While I respect your opinion, and every child is different..I get concerned for a child that may not be able to control their inattention, or impulsivity. These children are not "bad" with "bad behaviors" and they do not mean to be "disrespectful". There are strategies that can be used to help children attend better, let's hope that teachers are becoming more aware of them. Maybe the teacher (for OP's daughter) should consult with an occupational therapist at the school for suggestions.

All of my children have been taught to respect their teachers. However, 3 of my 5 have ADHD tendencies (probably undiagnosed), and truly have time staying focused, controlling their impulses, talking, fidgeting, etc. My dd asked why God made her that way. Fortunately, so far they've all had wonderful teachers, and between the 2 of us, have come up with actions plans. A lot of children who behave this way do have physical issues that causes it, and have great parents, too!

 

[smylie1]

You've gotten some good advice. One other thing to consider is that sometimes children who are struggling socially will commit minor infractions if they know the consequence is losing all or part of recess. Usually it's not a conscious decision, but just a behavior pattern that gets reinforced.

Our "anti-social" students usually choose to play in the grassy area beside the playground. We try to engage them with others, but some just don't want any part of it. "Walking the plank' is definitly not for the children who don't want to be with others as there are several students walking at same time and the ones walking are the social butterflies who like to chat and horseplay with anyone and everyone. I love them all though!

 

[Steph9072]

I wanted everyone to know how dh & handled this situation. Holly had to write a letter of apology to her teacher. She also lost her TV privileges for that night. Which worked out good she was able to study her spelling and spent time reading her AR book. Holly understands that the punishments will become harsher if her behavior continues to be an issue.
Thanks for all the advice.

 

[Sandy321]

I wanted everyone to know how dh & handled this situation. Holly had to write a letter of apology to her teacher. She also lost her TV privileges for that night. Which worked out good she was able to study her spelling and spent time reading her AR book. Holly understands that the punishments will become harsher if her behavior continues to be an issue.
Thanks for all the advice.

I'm glad y ou found a solution that works for your family - that's the most important thing - you know your kid! You know what needs to be done! We all understand the need for respect, as well as cooperation...

(and trust! we need to trust the teachers, and we need to trust our kids - and give them a safe place to tell us what is going on - and support - we need to support teachers, as well as support our kids!)

Sure isnt easy raising kids!!

 

[JamesMom]

Haven't had to deal with this yet this year *knocks on wood*, but my DS6 has his base allowance ($5) tied to school performance, in other words, his "job". If he has no notes home and completes his homework then on friday afternoon he gets his cash or toy equivalent. He can also perform chores for additional money (tidy rooms & vacuum).
If he get a negative report from school, his allowance will be suspended for that week. He understands the rules.
Last year in Kindergarten he had behavior problems at the first of the year. After the third note I set up a chart and it had 10 spaces- when he had no problems at school for 10 consecutive days he got a trip to chuck e cheese. Guess what - no more problems
Your mileage may vary.