OT: Dd in trouble @ school need advice

[Steph9072]

I was wondering when you child(ren) get in trouble at school are they in trouble at home. Dd (3rd grade) has been in trouble the last two days at school. She has done little stuff talking out of turn and tipping back in her chair after being told not to. She has lost part of her recess yesterday and today. I have grounded her to her room tonight w/ not TV. Let me add the grounding was given last night. Her teacher actually called and this was the 3rd time she has lost recess because of her behavior. However dd has not told us about. I ask her everyday how school was I get a fine, good or okay. But now I wonder if I am doing the right thing.

TIA for any advice you give

~Steph

 

[mjkacmom]

Ah, third grade - dd13 was a bit of a handful (and luckily totally grew out of it). Her teacher would put a happy face or a sad face in her agenda pad, and if she got on red card in homeroom, her teacher had her write the presidents, and multiplication tables in math (she really learned those presidents!). Have a (small) reward for good behavior, and a consequence for bad bahavior. I'm sure her teacher would be happy to take a few seconds out of her day to let you know how things went.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I agree with the pp that good communication with the teacher is key. You need to know day by day exactly how your DD is doing. All of my kids teachers have always given that kind of daily feedback, actually. My first thought when I saw your post was that it was much ado about nothing, but then I read further, and it certainly seems an unhealthy pattern is starting to develop of her omitting information and continuing unacceptable behavior. While I wouldn't go overboard, at this point, yes, I think a home consequence is in order. If there's any way to do so, try to come up with a natural, or logical consequence. Like if she has leftover classwork because of not paying attention, she misses privileges like TV, etc. until it's done... or extra work if necessary. If teacher is amenable, have her stay after class to do some helpful task. Write a note of apology to the teacher for her behavior. On the flip side, try to find positive rewards too, and help her develop strategies to change the unwanted behaviors. Good luck! You're doing fine

 

[Jellyman]

The fun begins now, especially with the DD. My DS was still a little cautious at that age but DD was testing how far she could push. But they seem to learn the boundries really between 3rd and 5th grade.

 

[Embel]

Whenever I ask my children about their day at school I always ask questions very carefully designed to ferret out information. "How was school" tended to end in "fine" It was like pulling teeth.
Now I ask questions like...

Who got in the most trouble today in your class?- then What were they doing?
Which paper was the hardest for you today?
Who talked the most during class? What did the teacher say to them?
Who did the kindest thing today?
Or even, What did Mrs. Teacher talk to you and no one else about?

And so on. It forces them to think & to answer & the answer usually prompts a conversation. Good luck.

 

[jaminmd]

Whenever I ask my children about their day at school I always ask questions very carefully designed to ferret out information. "How was school" tended to end in "fine" It was like pulling teeth.
Now I ask questions like...

Who got in the most trouble today in your class?- then What were they doing?
Which paper was the hardest for you today?
Who talked the most during class? What did the teacher say to them?
Who did the kindest thing today?
Or even, What did Mrs. Teacher talk to you and no one else about?

And so on. It forces them to think & to answer & the answer usually prompts a conversation. Good luck.

Excellent advice. I also ask "Tell me one positive thing that happened today (and it can't be lunch or dismissal)."

Also, are your DD's toys in her room? Maybe grounding her to her room isn't a good idea if she can play in there. If it is a recent pattern & she had no behavior issues before, be firm but start out more mildly so that you can escalate it if you have to, KWIM? I believe in consequences for bad behavior, just make the punishment fit the crime.

 

[LUVDZNY2008]

Does your child have difficulty with attention? Children with attention difficulties tend to call out in class(even when told not to, they have difficulty controlling the impulse). Tipping the chair back, fidgeting could also be part of this. I would have a good talk with the teacher.
Alot of children with attention difficulties get in trouble in school for "bad behavior" in school.

 

[ebtbmom]

My son rarely gets in trouble at school, that's because he'll get punishment chores at home. Last year when he got notes home several days in one week I made him take down all of the blinds in the kitchen and wash them by hand that Saturday. I also cancelled a movie he was supposed to be seeing with a friend.

I told him that I would love to have the living room blinds done to match and he hasn't gotten in trouble since! Of course, my blinds are still dirty

 

[kpgriswold]

Teacher here. My take is always that problems at school are dealt with at school, unless they get big enough to need a team effort. I let parents know what is happening at school so they can be "in the loop", but I do NOT recommend that a consequence at school be followed by a bigger one at home.

Your DD talked in class, she lost recess, end of story. If I were her teacher, I would do just as the poster above suggests, and keep track of when she does NOT talk and point that out to her. "I notice how quietly you are working, Jane. Keep up the good work!"

I think you were asking if you should continue the at-home punishments if the talking continues. IMHO, pile-on just makes kids feel discouraged and bad about themselves. And despite what some parents think, I do not find that guilt leads to better behavior, just sneakier behavior.

 

[momtoprincess A]

Teacher here. My take is always that problems at school are dealt with at school, unless they get big enough to need a team effort. I let parents know what is happening at school so they can be "in the loop", but I do NOT recommend that a consequence at school be followed by a bigger one at home.

Your DD talked in class, she lost recess, end of story. If I were her teacher, I would do just as the poster above suggests, and keep track of when she does NOT talk and point that out to her. "I notice how quietly you are working, Jane. Keep up the good work!"

I think you were asking if you should continue the at-home punishments if the talking continues. IMHO, pile-on just makes kids feel discouraged and bad about themselves. And despite what some parents think, I do not find that guilt leads to better behavior, just sneakier behavior.

This is how I feel.
I do have a hard time when I hear of kids that have a can't sit still and listening not being able to go out for recess. Part of my son's IEP in grade 3 and 4 was that he was allowed to get up and get a drink of water or take notes to the office on a regular basis, and he was never allowed to miss recess as a punishment. Now in grade 6 he is able to sit for longer periods of time and focus.
I'm not saying that this is the same in your situation because I don't know you or your child.

 

[LUVDZNY2008]

This is how I feel.
I do have a hard time when I hear of kids that have a can't sit still and listening not being able to go out for recess. Part of my son's IEP in grade 3 and 4 was that he was allowed to get up and get a drink of water or take notes to the office on a regular basis, and he was never allowed to miss recess as a punishment. Now in grade 6 he is able to sit for longer periods of time and focus.
I'm not saying that this is the same in your situation because I don't know you or your child.

You are right..recess and/or taking a break can help with sitting and being able to focus

 

[bigbabyblues]

I have no advice, but my DS is also in 3rd grade this year......

He has had a card pulled (green, yellow, red type thing) a few times already for talking, but he always tells me. The teacher sends a slip home every Friday anyway, with what he had eah day, so he knows I'm going to find out.

At his school, if they get to the point of "losing" recess time, they go outside with the rest of the children and walk laps around the picnic area. He's only had to do it once, but at least they still get some outside time.

 

[Leajess99]

Seems like your daughter may be bored especially if she is fidgeting and talking out. Those can be signs of ADHD but not always as they are also signs of boredom. I would talk to your daughter and to the teacher to see if you can find out why. My older 2 were quite bored at times so for the oldest I sent in extra workbooks to keep him busy and for my middle child the school placed her in advanced math as well as Gifted and talented (that girl has yet to slow down). Idle time is a good time for kids to get into trouble.

 

[tinkermom23]

and he was never allowed to miss recess as a punishment.

YES!!!
I absolutely hate when a child is punished by missing recess when that is exactly what could be the fix!! Many students, especially boys, need to get up and move and that will help them to sit better and finish their day.
I ask my son who is in 4th grade, on a scale of 1-10, what was today, and when he answers with a number, he almost always voluntarily follows it up with why... and sometimes it's quite a long story why!
Good luck!

 

[hroyale]

Seems like your daughter may be bored especially if she is fidgeting and talking out. Those can be signs of ADHD but not always as they are also signs of boredom. I would talk to your daughter and to the teacher to see if you can find out why. My older 2 were quite bored at times so for the oldest I sent in extra workbooks to keep him busy and for my middle child the school placed her in advanced math as well as Gifted and talented (that girl has yet to slow down). Idle time is a good time for kids to get into trouble.

I got in trouble at school in third grade. That was it no other grade. I was teacher's pet every other year. It turns out that I was bored.

Find out if the subject is the same when she stops paying attention. My grades were bad in math in 3rd grade and that's when I would get in the most trouble. My 4th grade teacher decided to "try something" and moved me from the C math group that I was struggling to keep up with to the A math group. All of a sudden I started getting A's in math and never got in trouble again...until High School.

 

[Stephres]

On the flip side, try to find positive rewards too, and help her develop strategies to change the unwanted behaviors. Good luck! You're doing fine

I have found that rewards work better than punishments at home anyway (for school behavior). My daughter was having trouble behaving in first grade and I tried all kinds of punishments until I realized that rewarding her for good behavior was the way to go. I would ask the teacher write you a note or e-mail when she has to sit out or recess for misbehavior and then you and your daughter come up with a reward for a week of good school behavior (no notes or e-mails). My daughter is younger so we did it day by day. Her teacher broke up the day in two parts and she had the opportunity to earn two happy faces for doing her work and staying on task. I read her one chapter from her favorite book at night for each happy face she earned. Of course your daughter is older so her more reward may be a sleepover or some big kid thing, but it doesn't have to cost money to be valuable to them.

When the teacher did write a note about bad behavior I always had her write an apology. I had it in mind that it showed the teacher that we respect her and when we waste her time we owe her an apology. Don't know if it was effective, but it made me feel better!

 

[WantToGoNow]

My ds is also in 3rd grade. He has had to miss recess 1 time so far for talking in class. He did not enjoy standing outside watching his friends play and I think it really made an impression. His roughest "behavior" year so far was Kindergarten - I think he pulled that "apple" every day but the first week - he had no other consequence and quite frankly he didn't care. Finally, he got tired of being on the bottom of the "good" list about a month before school ended and started pulling it together. I really felt sorry for that teacher - it was her 2nd year of teaching and quite frankly she needed to learn how to deal with these kids. His 1st and 2nd grade teachers put him in line as soon as school started - I have a feeling they were clued in by that K teacher. My dd has the same K teacher right now and has not been in trouble one time - but she is a people pleaser where ds was not.

 

[kacaju]

great ideas here. I will tell them to my SIL. Last nigh tshe called me all upset because my niece came home with the *yellow* light for talking after she was told not to. (She is 2nd grade and the teacher uses , green, yellow and red lights to track behavior)
My SIL was flipping out and was telling me that my niece will be giving up cheerleading if this continued. I felt so bad since this is only our second week of school!! (and first full week)

I did tell her I thought that was too much of a punishment and she shouldn't take away something that dn loved just for talking in class. You all gave some great ideas I will pass onto her. thanks!!!

 

[TaraPA]

Call me "old school" but I'm definitely in the minority here. For something minor (that I wouldn't know about or just get a quick note sent home from the teacher), I let the school punishment be it. But our rule for something that involves hurting someone, lying, cheating, being devious, destruction of property, or anything that warrants a trip to the principal (which is always also a call home at our school) is this - take the school punishment & double it at home. If you get a day of detention at school you get 2 days grounding at home. If you have to write a 1-page essay to explain something you did, you'll be writing 2 pages of something of my choice at home. Thankfully these instances have been far & few between (so far!) but we make the rules clear, and follow through with the punishment.

 

[Steph9072]

Thanks for all of the advice.