OT: Can I just vent please?

[stitchlover]

Can I just take a moment and vent about a completely off topic subject?

My 14 year old daughter is going to do me in. At some point in the past month she has lost her iPod touch, paid $300 for that approximately a year ago. I have torn the house apart looking for it and can't find it. We don't let her take it into restaurants so I know she didn't leave it somewhere like that. There are a few things that really make me mad...one, I'm tearing the house apart by myself. She isn't really looking all that hard. The other thing is she has mentioned to us at least 2 times that of course we will be purchasing a new one. We have told her both times no, we will not. Her answer is "But why? It's not my fault." I would like to know WHOSE FAULT IS IT THEN? I told her that 50% of my decision to not replace it is that she keeps saying it's not her fault. That she isn't accepting any responsibility.

Then yesterday she left her cell phone at a friends ($165 cell phone) and then when we went to the Mavericks' game last night we got to the door to go back to the car, looked at her and no winter coat ($100 winter coat), she left it back at the seat. When my husband took off to go back to the seats to look for her coat I told her you need to be more responsible with your belongings. She looked at me and said I told you I wouldn't remember to keep up with it. So basically blaming us for not keeping up with it for her.

Yes, the last two items were recovered but still! I put in the prices of everything to show that in the last month that child has either lost or walked away from $565 worth of belongings. I don't know what to do. Last year when we were at WDW her cell phone fell out of her pocket when she was sitting down at AK and that had to be reported lost/stolen and replaced. Thank goodness the AT&T sales guy talked me into insurance on that. She wants me to carry her cell phone, her camera and an autograph book in the parks and I have told her I've done that for 4 years, I'm done. If she wants all these items in the parks she will need to start carrying a backpack. But I have to say I'm scared to death that she is going to lose it all the first day.

So does anyone have any suggestions, words of wisdom, anything? I feel like she is 14 years old and at some point she has to take some personal responsibility but I think it's going to kill me first.

 

[froggy5657]

Being a teenager who has lost 2 sweatshirts (one was returned), I realize that if I lose it I will be buying my own, or going without one.

Tell your daughter that if she loses her phone she will not be receiving another one from YOU.

If she loses her coat, tell her she will be receiving the cheapest ugliest manliest coat you can find.

That ought to scare her into holding onto them

 

[DisneyKevin]

I'm not sure if she gets an allowance or could get paid for doing work around the house...but if she spends her own money on something, she might see a greater value in it.

If she believes that anything that goes missing will be replaced, then there is little incentive to take care of it.

I am not speaking from the position of being a parent, but from the position of being the teen that was taught this lesson along time ago.

 

[turkeymama]

Being a teenager who has lost 2 sweatshirts (one was returned), I realize that if I lose it I will be buying my own, or going without one.

Tell your daughter that if she loses her phone she will not be receiving another one from YOU.

If she loses her coat, tell her she will be receiving the cheapest ugliest manliest coat you can find.

That ought to scare her into holding onto them

This is what I was thinking too, although, you may have to back that threat up with some action to make it really sink in.

And just for full disclosure, my daughter isn't a teen yet, but she shares the same personality trait of failing to take responsibility for things.

 

[taylor3297]

Anything that she currently owns, loses and wants to replaced, she needs to purchase it herself. If there is something she wants in the future, tell her that she will not be receiving from you since she cannot keep up with her own stuff and you refuse to carry the item for her. I had a neice who did the samething at that age, and when she had to start carrying her own stuff in the parks and replacing items with her own money, it made her think about things.

 

[kathie859]

Having had two children go thru the teen years, I had the same realization that I had raised one of those children with an entitled attitude. If something went "missing", Mommy ran out and bought a replacement

It was actually child two (the responsible one) that pointed out that I was not doing the reckless one any favor. Once I got the message, I adopted a hard line attitude. I may indulge the child by buying something nice ONCE--but I stopped replacing lost/stolen/misplaced things.

One thought--and I hate to mention this, OP--BUT is there any chance that your DD has sold her ipod to buy something else? Or has given it to a favored friend to curry favor?

Good luck, OP

 

[fakereadhed]

We have made our girls buy their own stuff if they are irresponsible. It really helps them care when they feel the pain of spending their own hard earned chore, babysitting, or birthday money for their stuff. 15yo DD spent her own$ for an Ipod from Woot and dropped it into the toilet 2 days later. It was "not my fault". I refused to help. She had to negotiate for a return(which she is lucky they did), figure out how to package and mail it, arrange a ride to the post office, and wait for a refund. When she got it she couldn't afford as nice of an Ipod since the Woot had ended. It was "not fair". She had to get an 8g refurbished nano. She lived! She has taken better care of this one.

I am mean, but that is my job.

Good luck!

 

[SamSam]

Agree with the other posters; do not replace anything that your daughter loses. I can guarantee that she will be more careful in the future IF you stick to your guns.

 

[stitchlover]

Many years ago on our first trip to Disney with her I realized she needed her own money on vacation. If it is our money she wants everything in sight while we are there. If it is her own money she is more conservative in what she buys. So I set up a system when report cards come she gets $10 Disney Dollars for an A and $5 Disney Dollars for a B. It has worked for us for years. It gives her her own money on vacation that she can spend as she wishes when we are there. She has plenty of money on her Disney Gift Card (no more Disney Dollars in the local stores ) for this trip. I think I am going to offer her cash for the next three report cards. We can start putting that aside for her and she can slowly save her own money to replace the iPod. What do you think of that? She certainly won't earn enough to buy the 16G that we originally gave her anytime soon but maybe we can think of ways for her to earn more money over the next year. I don't want it to be too easy because she needs to learn that it takes time to earn money and buy things.

 

[Grumpy's Old Lady]

I would make her earn her new IPod, by doing chores around the house. For example my sons collect the garbage/take the garbage out once a week, pick-up after the dogs, dust, vacuum. But don't buy it first and then do the chores. Have her earn it for a month or two first. I think she would appreciate it and take care of it better.

Daughters and sons act different, but I have two sons and when the oldest was in high school, his personality changed and I knew something was going on besides being a teenager. We got him help and he is fine now.

I think maybe daughters take high school better than sons though.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

My son was a lot like this when he was 14. He'd lose something and say it was not his fault. He's 19 now and grew out of that. He had the same cell phone for 3 years until we gave him the upgrade last year at Disney.

When he lost something and couldn't find it or didn't care to search for it, it was gone and didn't get replaced, unless he paid for it.

 

[stitchlover]

One thought--and I hate to mention this, OP--BUT is there any chance that your DD has sold her ipod to buy something else? Or has given it to a favored friend to curry favor?

She doesn't go to the mall without us so nothing new has come into the house that I'm unaware of. My husband mentioned that he hopes none of her friends stole it. But we live in a pretty affluent area and the majority of these kids have iPod touches or iPhones already. We are relatively new to the area and she only has 3 friends that she is close enough with to have over to the house. She doesn't take it to school or, as I said, into restaurants. She and her father both have said it is probably here in the house somewhere and it will turn up. But I have turned the house upside down I can't imagine where it might "turn up" from! I have looked in my car at least three times and it's a Mini Cooper, not many places for it to be! My parents have checked both of their cars. It is driving me crazy but apparently I'm the only one that it's driving crazy.

 

[kafitty]

yup, it's about that time that she gets the picture that things don't get magically replaced. The cell phone may be one thing, because that can be a safety issue, but all of the "fun" stuff? Even the coat? Too bad, so sad - you lose it, it's gone.

i also agree with the other poster, who said that she may have "given" it to a friend or something. that would explain the apathy towards looking for it...and for that matter, YOU should not be tearing the house apart!!

i would also refuse to buy her anything that nice in the first place until she shows that she can be responsible for it, period.

like Kevin, this is also coming from a non-parent, but the kid who's had to learn this herself!!

 

[Derby4me]

Keep in mind that I am only a mother of a one year old, but stand strong! You really aren't doing her any favors by bailing her out time and time again. Even though she will always be your baby, college and independance is only 4 years away...time to get some practise now. Good luck to you and we'll see how strong I am 13 years from now!

 

[Gigi22]

As one of the non-parents here, may I offer a suggestion? Stop looking for the lost iPod. The person who owns it should be the person hunting for it, IMHO.

 

[Carrie772]

She doesn't go to the mall without us so nothing new has come into the house that I'm unaware of. My husband mentioned that he hopes none of her friends stole it. But we live in a pretty affluent area and the majority of these kids have iPod touches or iPhones already.

Lots of kids don't steal because they need it. They do it to see if they can.

And I agree with most folks on here. If she has to pay for it, then she will feel differently. 'Course, I am the evil mom that won't buy game boys or DS's or Wii's or fancy leather jackets. That's just me.

 

[okeydokey]

I'd stop buying her $100 jackets and anything else that costs much of anything. She needs to take responsibility for her stuff. Stop looking for the ipod and let her buy her own to replace it. At 14 she is old enough to work for money around the house.

 

[AnneR]

I think my 13 year old is cut from the same cloth. She is always losing things and blaming others. So far she has not lost her Itouch that she got for Christmas because she knows I will not replace it.

I agree with all the advice you have received - I am also put in place some other things with my "entitled" daughter, well actually with both who are at home but the older does not need them.

For their cell phones, I am only providing them with a pay as you go plan, I put $25 on the phone each month if it is used up before the end of the month - Oh well, not my problem. I could in fact get them unlimited texting for less but then it has no value to them, this way, sending a text message means something. For the 13 year old, every other month she runs out and has a week or more with no phone. I also would not buy new phones, got refurbished ones. If they want a different phone they have to buy it. The 15 year old did this.

It is hard but stay strong. My 13 year old ended the winter last year having to wear what ever coat she could because she lost the one I bought her.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I've got DS14.

He used to lose/leave stuff at friends houses or school most of the time. Now he doesn't because he learned the hard way.

1) left his coat at school in winter. The next day the only spare coat we had for him to wear was one of mine. A woman's coat. And yes he wore it because it was in the 20's. You can bet he never forgot his coat at school again.

2) lost his Ipod in our house and asked me to just buy him an Itouch instead. Uh, no. I didn't help him look for the Ipod. He finally got a clue and looked all over the house for it, finally finding it in the cushions of the couch in my office. He hasn't lost it since.

3) got rough with his cell phone and it broke. I had insurance on it but still had to pay a 50.00 deductible. He didn't get a replacement until he had mowed the front and back lawn twice, plus dusted and vaccuumed the house. Then I paid the 50 and got him another phone - not an upgrade - just a basic cell phone like he had before. He was begging me for an upgraded phone.

So far it's worked. He's been treating his stuff more carefully.
Good luck with your DD.

 

[Mrs D]

I only have little ones at home and can't offer any additional wisdom to the wonderful advice you've received - I can clearly remember working a newspaper route to earn enough money to buy my first electric guitar. I STILL have that guitar, remember the shop I bought it at and how valuable it was to me. Although I don't play anymore I refuse to sell it. Twenty years later it remains as valuable to me.