OT but need opinions of other moms

[gracie1]

I'm not sure how I would react, but I wanted to ask about not opening gifts in front of guests. Is this a regional thing? I get that birthdays, showers, etc. are not about the gifts -- but where I'm from (New Orleans) and where I live (Florida), it would be considered rude to not open gifts guests have brought.

I was wondering this too. Where I am (Delaware) you open gifts at birthdays and showers! The only place is weddings that they normally don't open them.

OP I think it was rude that the parents let the child do this. Not funny

 

[pryncess527]

I think the whole thing was very mean spirited. Not humorous in the least.

I also also think that we sell our sons short (and our daughters, too, if this was an issue between two girls rather than two boys) if we brush off these instances of unkindness as some kind of joke-gone-wrong. That's how we end up with adults who make decisions like this child's parents did. Call me old fashioned, but I think we have a responsibility to these kids to teach them kindness and respect, first and foremost, before we instruct them on the fine art of humour. This kind of "joke" fostered neither of those desirable qualities and was ultimately hurtful to the recipient.

As a parent, I would have been beyond appalled if my son had carried out this "joke" on his own. The mother and father of that boy should be ashamed of themselves.

There were many ways to wrap that gift card. This was in poor taste and not cool.

Ditto

 

[luvsJack]

Look at any angle all you want. Twist it inside out or outside in, sideways and make ridiculous excuses for the the behaviour. But in the end, and however you look at it, Behaviours are learned. Again,Behaviours are learned and stick that in your mind people. Show a young child that twerking is cool or normal and sure enough that child will be twerking. You "may" want to bring this "friend" to participate in charity events, volunteer in soup kitchens etc.. and who knows? There is hope after all.

WHAT?

 

[mom2alix]

On each invite, she noted if you should bring a gift for the boy or girl, along with a suggested dollar amount.

Inquiring minds want to know what suggested dollar amount she noted. Hopefully $10 since that's how much she puts on a gift card to give other children.

BTW - regardless, putting a "suggested $ amount" on an invitation is the tackiest thing I've ever heard.

 

[2kidsForMe]

Inquiring minds want to know what suggested dollar amount she noted. Hopefully $10 since that's how much she puts on a gift card to give other children.

BTW - regardless, putting a "suggested $ amount" on an invitation is the tackiest thing I've ever heard.

OP here, suggested amount was $20 to $25. Yes, very tacky. Not the first time they have done something like this, and probably won't be the last.

I have gotten the opinions of a few other moms in town, and I have found out that this family has really upset other people and kids for a long time. We have chalked it up to the fact that they are a bad combination of clueless, insensitive, and arrogant. Also, be careful who you confide in! I have learned that parents in question were totally aware that my husband was still looking for a job. Oh well.

My son and I are totally over it. If anything it has been a great lesson for us. I have shared with my kids the opinions of my fellow posters here on the DIS, and we have had some great discussions. Generally, the take away we have is that while you shouldn't go through life being hyper sensitive and walking on egg shells, you should also stop and think about your actions and how it may appear to/or affect others.

The $10 gift card will go into his XBOX fund, and he is totally ok with waiting and saving. He will be a good boy and send a thank you note, but we are done with this family. If the mom asks why, I will tell her, but I don't feel the need to pick up the phone (even if I wanted to). They aren't going to change. Thanks everyone!

 

[kymom99]

Sometimes we get kind of stuck with people because of common activities or groups. However, if this was me, I would decline any invitation they may extend to you or your son in the future. Sounds like you plan to do this anyway. And as you said, if the parents ask why, be very honest with them. Hopefully other families will follow suit. This is just ridiculous!

 

[cel_disney]

OP here, suggested amount was $20 to $25. Yes, very tacky. Not the first time they have done something like this, and probably won't be the last.

I have gotten the opinions of a few other moms in town, and I have found out that this family has really upset other people and kids for a long time. We have chalked it up to the fact that they are a bad combination of clueless, insensitive, and arrogant. Also, be careful who you confide in! I have learned that parents in question were totally aware that my husband was still looking for a job. Oh well.

My son and I are totally over it. If anything it has been a great lesson for us. I have shared with my kids the opinions of my fellow posters here on the DIS, and we have had some great discussions. Generally, the take away we have is that while you shouldn't go through life being hyper sensitive and walking on egg shells, you should also stop and think about your actions and how it may appear to/or affect others.

The $10 gift card will go into his XBOX fund, and he is totally ok with waiting and saving. He will be a good boy and send a thank you note, but we are done with this family. If the mom asks why, I will tell her, but I don't feel the need to pick up the phone (even if I wanted to). They aren't going to change. Thanks everyone!

I have to say - while I still am giving the boy the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't malicious - after seeing this post, I think the parents are seriously off their rockers it seems! The fact that she put a suggested amount for a gift is bad - but to not reciprocate at that same amount is ridiculous and rude unless she has made it known that she has come into her own financial trouble! I am generally not someone who cares about the $$ amount on a gift received or even if a kid didn't bring one - but this seems beyond tacky to not reciprocate given the expectations she laid out!

I am glad to see that you and your son have made the most of the experience and had some good learning moments. Good luck to your son on the Xbox fund collection! My DS7 is saving for an iPad and our neighbors and entire family have benefitted from his willingness to do odd jobs at a various affordable rates! He has returned recycleable bottles to keep the deposits, done a lot of vacuuming for quarters, and helped clear the snow off everyone's steps...it's taken a while but he is only 50$ away now!

 

[marthachick]

For example, she has boy/girl twins and gave a joint birthday party last year. Boy had his friends, girl had hers. On each invite, she noted if you should bring a gift for the boy or girl, along with a suggested dollar amount. (My son was invited by her son, but was asked to bring a gift for his sister). When asked why, mom said she didn't want the amount of gifts to be "unfair" between the twins, because they would be upset! So, gifting is a hot topic with this family anyway.

I would have declined the invitation stating other plans. As in 'I plan to not subsidize your crazy idea about gifts.'

 

[kandb]

I don't think this was just an innocent "prank" by an innocent 10 year old. Put your current financial situation aside. What kid would pretend to give a great gift like an x-box that he knows a friend really wants badly, then watch the friend open up and then realize it's an empty box. What's so funny about that? I wouldn't want my son being friends with a kid that thinks this is funny and is getting enjoyment out of something this mean spirited. It's not about a prank, it's about hurting someone's feelings pretty bad and totally disappointing a friend. OP, it sounds like your son has enough "nice" friends. He doesn't need a friend like that.

 

[marlynnp]

I don't think this was just an innocent "prank" by an innocent 10 year old. Put your current financial situation aside. What kid would pretend to give a great gift like an x-box that he knows a friend really wants badly, then watch the friend open up and then realize it's an empty box. What's so funny about that? I wouldn't want my son being friends with a kid that thinks this is funny and is getting enjoyment out of something this mean spirited. It's not about a prank, it's about hurting someone's feelings pretty bad and totally disappointing a friend. OP, it sounds like your son has enough "nice" friends. He doesn't need a friend like that.

But take the flip side -- joke gone bad or malicious prank, what 10 year old really thinks a friend is going to give him an x-box? We're talking about a group of people that give $10-$20 gifts at birthday parties, not the Kardashians.

That said, I'd still choose to distance myself from this family based on the additional info the OP knows.

 

[starwart]

But take the flip side -- joke gone bad or malicious prank, what 10 year old really thinks a friend is going to give him an x-box?

These are ten year old kids you are talking about. They would not know if it is joke or not. Even Einstein at 10 would not have figured it out. No more sugar coating and No more excuses folks. There is no gray area here. It is an exhibition of bad behavior, plain and simple. Good/Bad behaviours are learned.

 

[cel_disney]

These are ten year old kids you are talking about. They would not know if it is joke or not. Even Einstein at 10 would not have figured it out. No more sugar coating and No more excuses folks. There is no gray area here. It is an exhibition of bad behavior, plain and simple. Good/Bad behaviours are learned.

Maybe your kids are sheltered...my 7 year old first grader knows that know friend is going to give him an xbox, a DS, or even the huge lego sets because they understand what things cost and what is the norm and likely they have helped pick out gifts for other friends as well and know they have a $ limit. At 10 years old - it is very sad to me that a child would truly think a friend was going to give him an xbox...by 10 most have learned or should be learning fiscal responsibility and real world costs.

I dont disagree with you about behaviors being learned - you are spot on there - but your expectations of 10 year olds as a group seem way off to me. (*in now way am I suggesting that the OPs 10 year old does not have this skill! This is directed more generally)

 

[pryncess527]

Maybe your kids are sheltered...my 7 year old first grader knows that know friend is going to give him an xbox, a DS, or even the huge lego sets because they understand what things cost and what is the norm and likely they have helped pick out gifts for other friends as well and know they have a $ limit. At 10 years old - it is very sad to me that a child would truly think a friend was going to give him an xbox...by 10 most have learned or should be learning fiscal responsibility and real world costs.

I dont disagree with you about behaviors being learned - you are spot on there - but your expectations of 10 year olds as a group seem way off to me. (*in now way am I suggesting that the OPs 10 year old does not have this skill! This is directed more generally)

I'll admit I don't spend much time with 10 year olds, but IMO, it seems pretty reasonable to me that the average 10 year old, when opening gifts at a party, would get swept up in the excitement of the moment and not really think through the logic of the reality of the situation. They'd just go through the emotional roller coaster of excitement and then disappointment, even if they did have strong fiscal responsibility in other situations.

 

[Brittmarie04]

Why not just drop off the box at their home....let whoever answers the door suffer the uncomfortable feeling of accepting the empty box. You could simply say something like " here is the empty box your son wrapped and gave to my son for his birthday, we don't need any empty boxes at home so we are returning it you." Or better yet, write a thank you card to the mom saying how thankful you and your son were for the empty Xbox box. "How special it was to receive an empty box....it reminded everyone in our family that is not the gifts that matter but rather the friends we surround ourselves with"

Love this idea. How rude. I'd be pretty ticked

 

[starwart]

Maybe your kids are sheltered...my 7 year old first grader knows that know friend is going to give him an xbox, a DS, or even the huge lego sets because they understand what things cost and what is the norm and likely they have helped pick out gifts for other friends as well and know they have a $ limit. At 10 years old - it is very sad to me that a child would truly think a friend was going to give him an xbox...by 10 most have learned or should be learning fiscal responsibility and real world costs.

I dont disagree with you about behaviors being learned - you are spot on there - but your expectations of 10 year olds as a group seem way off to me. (*in now way am I suggesting that the OPs 10 year old does not have this skill! This is directed more generally)

No way my kids are sheltered. They change their own diapers since age 2...months
How about videotape your kids receiving an empty bix in their party and show us how they reacted. Then and only then I will believe you. Point is the OP and the family were hurt and people are still making excuses &/or rationalize the 10 yr old guest's bad behaviour.

 

[sk!mom]

It was mean. I would let the friendship die out. No one needs friends like that.

 

[AlyssinWonderland]

OP- Sounds like you and your son handled it with class. Good job Mom! I'm glad the rest of his friends handed it appropriately too and didn't laugh at him. There are just some people in life who think what they do is amusing and never take a moment to see that their actions hurt others. I'm sorry your son was hurt by this boy and his stupid family. I think distancing yourselves from them sounds like the best idea too. Happy Birthday to your Son, I'm glad this didn't ruin his party. From what I've read here, you are a great mother.

 

[Juliet25]

Very mean. I can't believe his parents would allow him to do that.

I have a 10 year old. I can't imagine how excited she would be to open something like an iPod from one of her friends only to find out it was a joke. There's nothing funny about what he did.

I hope your son didn't take it too hard. I also hope your DH finds work soon.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

ok, after reading a few replies, I stopped to ask dh and ds13 their opinions. Both of them have often told me I'm too sensitive and that some things they say that I think are mean, they say it's just how guys joke with each other.

Without offering my opinion to them, I asked what they thought. Both of them thought it was incredibly mean & insensitive. Well, I won't say what dh called the mean kid.

I also think the parents are morons for allowing their 10 yr old to do this. It's one thing for a child to think up this idea; it's worse that the parents allowed it. I wouldn't confront them but I wouldn't make any time for them in my family's life.

FWIW, in our area we do open gifts at birthday parties if it's at someone's home. The only time we don't open them is if it's at a facility that offers fun activities for children's birthdays such as a children's museum. Usually those parties have a definite start and end time and with so many fun activities available, kids don't all sit & open gifts together. The party facility usually offers a large plastic bag to carry them home.

For adults the only gathering where gifts are not opened would be a wedding.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

These are ten year old kids you are talking about. They would not know if it is joke or not. Even Einstein at 10 would not have figured it out. No more sugar coating and No more excuses folks. There is no gray area here. It is an exhibition of bad behavior, plain and simple. Good/Bad behaviours are learned.

The OP stated in her first post that all the other kids were quiet and just stared. They all knew it was wrong and only the mean empty-box-gifter was laughing.

I get a strong impression you're not a parent.