OT: BIL Vent

[JoiseyMom]

I am soooo po'ed at my BIL I could ####@@@@!!!

The beginning of the month my BIL asked if he could borrow my mini van to bring home a pin ball machine. He wanted it for 2 separate times. The first was to drive down to Maryland, and the second time was to Vermont. Vermont he was going to make a weekend of it. We live in Jersey, adn this would have been about 1000 miles on my car.

This is the car I use for everything, it has almost 55k miles on it, and I tend to keep cars until they die or I have to buy a new one. Now that she is getting up there, i want to watch the milage. Him taking my car for those many miles, just isn't in the cards for me. Locally I wouldn't mind. Now understand this, my in-laws always want to borrow my car to schelp things. I do get annoyed. I know my in-laws do a lot for us. My bil does do oil changes and stuff on my car, but still, when is enough enough. He can afford to rent a truck, or better yet, why doesn't he buy a truck/van of his own to use???

Now I asked him before, online, how much we owed him for lunch? We all went to Great Wolf Lodge at the beginning of the month. DH and I laid out the money for bkfeast, he did lunch, so I wanted to know what I owed him. I kept forgetting to ask before. So instead of saying xx, he says, how about $100, for the cost of me to rent a truck, when I wouldn't let him borrow my van.!!!!! I AM FURIOUS!! Now that was uncalled for. Now DH is fighting with both his brother and his mom (I have no idea how she got into this, I am sure I will find out later).

My mil is generous, but I am tired of being guilted about my freaking car!! Now when my bil takes my car, I am left without a car. All his cars (he has 4, 3 of them are "toys - collectibles), are manual, I can't drive a stick.

Now when DH and I were first married and I didn't need my geo, I let my bil drive it for months, I mean months before he got himself another vehicle. He put LOTS of miles on that car, and he drives cars HARD.

I am soooooo annoyed!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[LadyShiva]

When did the pin ball machine become yours? I mean, seriously, I would have looked him in the eye and said, "You want me to PAY for YOU to go pick up YOUR pinball machine???"

Time to cut BIL out of your car insurance bill.

What a jerk. As in, don't bother coming to my house at Thanksgiving without flowers in your hand, jerk.

Brandie

 

[JoiseyMom]

I now need to add a MIL vent. MIL called me to tell me she was at Target and she got their credit card and if there was naything I needed, she could get a 10% discount. Well, she wanted to know what ds/wii games the kids wanted. I said I would have to ask them. Now it was about 12:45 at this time. The kids had 1/2 day. DD was home, she started looking. We had to get DS at 1:15, then I took them for lunch, and at 2:40 we had a flu shot appt. At 2:45, I see I missed a call from mil while we were at lunch. I call her back, and she tells me that she is now home, and to forget about Target. What was I supposed to do??? Not feed my kids lunch or take them for their flu shots, so they can make her a list???? They can still make a list, I can go to her house, and take the card and shop for the kids and bring it back to her house. Target is 5 minutes form both of us and she lives 5 minutes from us.

So she is now mad about this. OMG, I am so tired of not meeting this women's standards. I am tired of being judged by her!!!

Oh, and DD got into some trouble at school yesterday, and MIL didn't want me to tell anyone, including our DS24, who lives with us. I am like, I don't think so. I did tell DS when he got home from work, and DH was like, I thought we weren't telling him. I was like NO, your mil didn't want us too, I don't keep secrets in my home. Are we going to stop talking around DS?? That is insane!!! He is another adult in our home, I want him to know what is going on in the home he lives in. ***!!!!

ARGHHHH!!!!!!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

When did the pin ball machine become yours? I mean, seriously, I would have looked him in the eye and said, "You want me to PAY for YOU to go pick up YOUR pinball machine???"

Time to cut BIL out of your car insurance bill.

What a jerk. As in, don't bother coming to my house at Thanksgiving without flowers in your hand, jerk.

Brandie

And I haven't mentioned him not wanting to pay for cable, but wanting us to get him cable boxes. Talk about a FIGHT. Boy was he annoyed when we recently dropped Cablevision and went to FIOS.

And it's not like he can't afford it, which I would understand it better. He isn't married, owns (no mortgage) his own home, all his cars, no kids. We have 4 kids, a mortgage, and much more in expenses then him. Granted, these are our choices, but pulease!!! He is constantly complaining about what we spend our money on, but he is always borrowing our DVD's, car, and always seems to be at his mom's for dinner.

 

[isyt]

Oh I can understand...not as bad as you and its more the whole family. Why do people always feel they can take advantage. This is why I started going away for Thanksgiving!!!

 

[lisajl]

families! They are such a pain.
Sorry you are going through all this....but...it is family.

 

[Aliceacc]

Why on earth did anyone tell MIL???

 

[NMW]

It seems crazy to me that your family is that involved in your life. That would drive me absolutely crazy! Maybe it's because DH and I do not live less than an hours drive to anyone in my family and his parents moved several states away when they retired. We just don't have that kind of contact with our families. We all get along great when we see each other...maybe that's why!

 

[problemchild718]

I doubt if BIL will ask to use your car again, but "No, I need my car this weekend" is an acceptable answer.
I think Aliceacc hit the nail on the head-if MIL is all up in your business, stop sharing quite so much of it with her.
The 10% discount isn't worth 1. you being beholdin to her, 2. you illegally using her credit card and possibly getting in trouble and 4. either of you being upset over it.
I don't think she expected you not to feed your kids, or get their flu shots, but maybe you could have had a conversation in the car and called her while they ate. I usually don't spend more than an hour in Target-her call was 2 hours later.
In any event, she is mom to the man you love...grin and bear it-nothing lasts forever.

 

[JoiseyMom]

It seems crazy to me that your family is that involved in your life. That would drive me absolutely crazy! Maybe it's because DH and I do not live less than an hours drive to anyone in my family and his parents moved several states away when they retired. We just don't have that kind of contact with our families. We all get along great when we see each other...maybe that's why!

Mil is 5 minutes away. Bil is 5 minutes away. My DB is 5 minutes away (but we are not up each others butts). We are very close to the inlaws. Kids usually see mil at least once a week, this week more, since she watched them for parent teachers nite and for 1/2 days. I had no issue calling her for DD issues, mil is very helpful. But yes, there I times I want to move far far away. I love my mil and I do appreciate her, but she is sooooooo controling.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I doubt if BIL will ask to use your car again, but "No, I need my car this weekend" is an acceptable answer.
I think Aliceacc hit the nail on the head-if MIL is all up in your business, stop sharing quite so much of it with her.
The 10% discount isn't worth 1. you being beholdin to her, 2. you illegally using her credit card and possibly getting in trouble and 4. either of you being upset over it.
I don't think she expected you not to feed your kids, or get their flu shots, but maybe you could have had a conversation in the car and called her while they ate. I usually don't spend more than an hour in Target-her call was 2 hours later.
In any event, she is mom to the man you love...grin and bear it-nothing lasts forever.

She was buying the kids their Chanukah presents, and new they wanted soem DS or Wii games. MIL had no idea what to buy. I said the kids would make a list, she said she could use the discount up until 10 tonite. She wasn't in Target for 2 hours, she was in the shopping center Target was for 2 hours. She called while we were in the restaurant, I didn't hear my cell phone. I called her when I saw I missed her call. But yes, her expectations were that I would call her with a list from an 11 yr old and 6 year old, within her time frame. I think that is unrealistic.

Compared to some of the MIL stories I have read, I know how good I have it. I really do. The kids adore her, and that is important, since they are the only grandparents they have. My parents have been dead for a very long time, and my 11 year old doesn't remember them. I usually get along with MIL, but sometimes her expectations are just well, not realistic to us.

BIL is annoyed at us (has been for years), because we didn't make him a guardian for our children (I didn't make my siblings guardians either). We did this for a reason. Bil doesn't want kids, or get married. Why would I leave my kids to a man who doesn't want kids of his own?? Made sense to me and DH. The main guardians of our kids are mil and fil, if they aren't able, it was my best friend and her husband. Dh and I both agreed on this. Well bil was annoyed, adn so was MIL. I want my kids to be raised by a family, mom and dad (if possible), not a single middle age man who is constantly yelling at them to stop what they are doing. I think we picked wisely.

 

[CEDmom]

I do think asking to borrow the car for a weekend and leaving you w/o one is a little much but I don't think 55,000 miles on a car is that much. Do you pay your BIL for the work he does on your car? If not, in his mind he probably thinks borrowing it every now and then isn't that big a deal.

I don't blame your MIL in going home after not hearing from you for a few hours. She was at the store and from what you said I imagine she expected to hear back from you in a very short period of time.


Finally, as far as telling your DS about some trouble your DD got into at school - well, I don't agree with that. I don't think everyone in a household needs to know each others business. Aside from embarassing your DD what benefit was there in your 24yo knowing about his sister's problems?

 

[ceecee]

I can certainly see your MIL wanting to save the 10%. Maybe you should have asked the kids and called her right back before having lunch, etc. or used the cell phone to call her in between stops.

 

[problemchild718]

In laws can be a challenge (she probably feels like that about you too) And if other son doesn't want to marry-she has all her hopes on you! My mother in law is great, but oh so different from my mom. Who I miss more than words can say. I would love to have her watch my kids, call me, let my kids get gifts from her. Most of my family is gone now (just sister and I left) and the memories such an awesome gift.
Don't let her control you-give her clear communication (I'll call you back after the kids get their flu shots around 3 pm)
Good luck!

 

[darlak]

She was buying the kids their Chanukah presents, and new they wanted soem DS or Wii games. MIL had no idea what to buy. I said the kids would make a list, she said she could use the discount up until 10 tonite. She wasn't in Target for 2 hours, she was in the shopping center Target was for 2 hours. She called while we were in the restaurant, I didn't hear my cell phone. I called her when I saw I missed her call. But yes, her expectations were that I would call her with a list from an 11 yr old and 6 year old, within her time frame. I think that is unrealistic.

That doesn't seem unrealistic to me. If I were at Target when I called, and was told by my DIL that she would ask the kids and then call me back, I would expect to hear from her within a few minutes or so. If not to actually provide me with a list, then at least to tell me that she would have to get it later, so that I could go home.

I, like the other poster, think that if you don't pay your BIL for the work he does on your car, that it was probably reasonable for him to think it was acceptable to ask to borrow yours, even to go out of state.

I'm a DIL as well as a MIL, so I guess I try to see it from both sides.

 

[autumnbaby9]

You expected your MIL to wait at the store for 2 hrs and she is the unreasonable one ? I could be missing something here but at this time I have to side with MIL.

I understand lunch and flu shots are important but neither are activities you can't talk to your children during and figure out what they wanted. While you were eating you should have asked them and then called MIL back. She shouldn't have to wait around for 2 hrs doing nothing.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I do think asking to borrow the car for a weekend and leaving you w/o one is a little much but I don't think 55,000 miles on a car is that much. Do you pay your BIL for the work he does on your car? If not, in his mind he probably thinks borrowing it every now and then isn't that big a deal.

I don't blame your MIL in going home after not hearing from you for a few hours. She was at the store and from what you said I imagine she expected to hear back from you in a very short period of time.


Finally, as far as telling your DS about some trouble your DD got into at school - well, I don't agree with that. I don't think everyone in a household needs to know each others business. Aside from embarassing your DD what benefit was there in your 24yo knowing about his sister's problems?

I didn't expect my MIL to stay in Target until I got her a list. I also didn't expect her to be upset that I didn't get her a list within her timeframe.

He needs to know, so that he can help. I want her to be able to talk to him, if/when she feels she can't talk to us. I don't hide things in my family. Are my DH and I supposed to discuss this in hushed tones, and stop talking when DS comes into the room?? No, we don't keep secrets in my home.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I can certainly see your MIL wanting to save the 10%. Maybe you should have asked the kids and called her right back before having lunch, etc. or used the cell phone to call her in between stops.

The kids have no idea what games are out, without looking in a store. DD was online at Nintendo.com looking for what shemight want. ANd there wasn't time for DS to do that. He never even came into the house. Mil called at 12:45, we picked DS up at 1:25 (after waiting at bus stop for 15 minutes), and went to lunch, from there we went to Dr.s office, then we went home. Not alot of time inbetween to go online to look at games, kwim?

 

[JoiseyMom]

You expected your MIL to wait at the store for 2 hrs and she is the unreasonable one ? I could be missing something here but at this time I have to side with MIL.

I understand lunch and flu shots are important but neither are activities you can't talk to your children during and figure out what they wanted. While you were eating you should have asked them and then called MIL back. She shouldn't have to wait around for 2 hrs doing nothing.

Again, MIL said she had until 10 PM to use her discount, that she would be in the shopping center. She knew from yesterday, that I was taking the kids to lunch right after school and then going to the doctors for flu shots. Both kids need to see what is out there for them to want. Her best bet is taking them to the store. I was having them go online.

 

[branv]

So BIL is a grown man and, judging by how MIL knows everything that is going on, he's clearly running to mommy every five seconds to tattle? Sounds like BIL was a spoiled little precious who has turned into a narcissitic mama's boy.

Your family needs to start establishing some boundaries and soon. First, it's great that the kids are close to her, but YOU are the parent. Her job is to offer support, not lay down the law or tell you what to do. If she can't respect that, then it's time to stop telling her the details of the family. If she still finds out, make an excuse and get off the phone or leave. It's pretty easy to say, "well thank you for the advice, I'll keep it in mind when I make my decision. Well, got lots to do, see ya later (or "oh my goodness, I saw the prettiest dress yesterday and thought of you" or "oh btw, do you have the recipe for _____" i.e. redirect her attention like a three year old.)