OT - Any thoughts on having a second baby when your first is high need?

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Our oldest DD was a pretty easy baby but in her toddler years developed sensory issues. It was so difficult. We waited 4 years to have another one (I was worried) and she turned out to be a near saint of a child. Our oldest got worse and we had to pull her out of first grade and homeschool, thankfully DD10 was still a breeze. After a lot of working with her she overcome her sensory issues though is still out most challenging child (being a teenager doesn't help) and you middle DD is still a breeze, and then we had a third who is also pretty easy. I don't know what I would have done if our second was as difficult as our first but I am also so glad I didn't stop and have my younger 2 as well.

Best of luck, every child is different but that's not a guarantee for sure.

 

[rodeo65]

Our first DS was difficult to handle in the early months, but I now put that down to a combination of him plus me. He has ADHD and was a "never put me down, always hold and walk and rock me kid". I didn't get him to sleep on his own until he was two. I thought he was colicky for the first few months. I learned, however that I was a colicky mother. I was a nervous first time mother and felt very uncertain in my mommy skills so I was very "by the book". The hospital told me to feed him every three hours, so I would nurse every three hours. Not two and a half...three. DH finally told me that he was going to start nursing him if I didn't get in gear and feed him when he needed to be fed. That helped some, but he still needed to be walked or rocked to sleep.

When DD came along I didn't want a repeat, so from the very start I put her down to sleep on her own, and guess what? She went to sleep. I also demand fed from the start and had no issues there either. So...now they're 7 and 9. DS had been diagnosed ADHD at age 7 and we have got the help needed at school and socially for him. At 9 he is much improved and while the pace of life with him remains high, he is also a very kind, thoughful and sensitive boy. DD on the other hand is giving us some really trying moments. She was the calm, quiet one up until about a year ago. We switched schools and she made some friends that seem to be kind of sassy and her attitude has changed a lot. I keep saying to DH if this is what 7 is like, how bad is 14 going to be?

I guess my take is (as a little twist on what Forrest's mom would say) kids are like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get. I'd also add that my chocolates changed. A cream filled became a hard toffee and vice versa. Only you know your and your husband's threshold for stress and where you are on the scale with one child. I do like the interaction between my kids (most of the time) and the fact that they learn things from each other that they won't necessarily learn from friends. I also wonder, though if some of DD's new tricks are from the extra attention DS has had over his issues and feeling like she didn't get as much from us when she was"good" so she'll try this for a bit.

 

[Bugsmom73]

If age isn't an issue, then I would wait.

DD was our high needs baby- and in many ways is still I high needs kid. It is just her personality. She still isn't a great sleeper, wants to have one of us sleep with her, play with, etc. SHe was my NICU baby. She was that way in utero, very active etc.

DS- A mellow baby from the start. Even in utero. He slept 5 hours the night he was born(no flames please, we all slept thru it). He still sleeps well at night. DS is on the spectrum. He can pitch a fit and when he does watch out but we ignore it and go on. He is more mellow but he is an active kid with a bright mind and can get into things quicker than anything.

 

[3boys4me]

I agree. I think I would wait and see how things shake out as DD gets older. She might mellow as she ages and make it easier for you to have #2.

I agree with this. My kids are 4 and 5 years apart. I really enjoyed them when they were babies and toddlers. Just give her some time and see how things pan out.

 

[abcboys]

My 3rd child was my high maintenance child. He is 4 now and a lot better but I always joked if he was my first there would be no more kids because I don't think I could do that anymore. Granted, there are no more after him, either.

 

[brergnat]

Well, I have TWO high needs kids. My first DS was an angel baby. SO good. Never cried, slept well (as long as he was in his swing), but was a fussy eater. Never wanted to nurse and was ho hum about the bottle too. He is 5.5 now and has high functioning Autism. He was EXTREMELY difficult for about two years between ages 1 and 3. He is now our "easy" child.

BECAUSE DS was such a good baby, as soon as he turned one, we started trying for #2 (we always said we wanted two kids). I got pg right away. During my pg was when DS1 started going downhill, behavior/needs wise. DS#2 was born a month premature, had some issues and had to be in the NICU. As soon as we brought him home, it was like we had the son of the devil (no joke). He was SO intense, always either crying or sleeping. He actually slept alot, but he was very clingy to me, always. He's four now and has been the MOST DIFFICULT child imaginable. He has been in therapy since 16 mo old for behavioral issues as well as a major speech/language delay. He still cannot talk very well or communicate well, so he has a VERY short temper, is demanding, controlling, stubborn, angry a lot, defiant. I could go on.

I love him, though, with all my heart, and am glad that my older DS has a sibling (think that's good for Autistic kids to have, for the social aspect of it).

BUT, I have to say, if he had been my first, I would have probably been done! I have had to find a way to deal with him because that's just what I was dealt. Thankfully, my older DS is extremely sweet and good natured, so they balance out well.

I'm not gonna lie...there were MANY days I questioned having DS#2, and not so much because of how HE was, but because in the first two years, when my older DS was very difficult (before he was diagnosed and we didn't know what was going on), and DS#2 was ALSO difficult, there were many times I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day.

Looking back, and knowing what I know now, I would have still had them both, but we have stuck to our "2 kids only", and got DH fixed when DS#2 was only a couple months old.

 

[jodifla]

Yes, if age isn't an issue, I would wait as well. Then you'll have a better idea of what you are dealing with, and what expenses it might entail.

Of course, all might be perfect in another six months or a year...you never know!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

My 3rd child was my high maintenance child. He is 4 now and a lot better but I always joked if he was my first there would be no more kids because I don't think I could do that anymore. Granted, there are no more after him, either.

I could have wrote this!! My son is 9 now and he is STILL high maintenance. God knew what he was doing when he sent him to us last.

 

[QVCshopper]

Your DD sounds so much like mine at her age, except my DD also had a rare fever disorder that required her tonsils out at 2.75. She used to just burn up in my arms. Anyway, my DD was diagnosed with some social/emotional delays, speech, and OT delays at age 3. After just six months of therapy, she was a completely different child. Now, she's 5 and just wonderful. We're still in therapy (difficult to get out; still needs speech and OT), and people always ask me why I ever got her help. If they only saw her from age 1-3... I think the speech therapy helped the most; a lot of the tantrums were probably over her lack of communication and realizing that I will come back.

Anyway, I got pregnant with DS just 7 months after having my DD, before I knew about her delays. He's not delayed, and has been very easy. But, like I said, my DD is so great now that I guess he gives us a harder time now... But, for her delays and many other reasons, I think we're stopping at the two kids that God blessed us with.

Good luck whatever you decide. Waiting may be a good option for now. But, please remember that many children catch up to their peers very quickly. I've watched it happen; it's amazing.

 

[momto2js]

First I'll say that neithor of my kids are especially tough kids and most people think they are a bit angelic. They are 29 months apart, if I had to to do over, I would have waited longer between them. The nights of not sleeping with the baby and then having to get up with an active 2.5 year old are REALLY hard regardless of the temperment of the kids.

So I agree, if you are in doubt, wait a while and make a better decision.

 

[Spoonful of Sugar]

Thanks for all the responses. I'm still undecided, but it's soooo great just to know that there are other families with kids like mine and who have had to make this decision. It seams most of my friends have had easy babies... I actually thought my baby was just like all the others until I started meeting other moms when she was a couple months old. Until then I thought, "Of course she cries every waking moment. Babies cry, that's what they do." To answer a couple of the questions, yes, I do have that Dr. Sears book, and it was a big help to us, if only for moral support (nothing in the book really worked for us, but that's just because NOTHING ever worked). And I am young enough that I can wait awhile before having a second, so my only rush is that I'd like them to be close in age. And yes, DD does most likely have sensory processing issues, although this seems to be going away as she gets older, and her language skills are right on track.

 

[Amyhoff]

I think you should probably hold off on having another child until you feel like you can handle another child exactly like your first. Chances are the next one will be different, but you never know! Having 3 or 4 years in between children is not a big deal. Wait until you and your DH are ready before you dive in. Once the new baby is here, there is no turning back!

Good luck!