OT - Any thoughts on having a second baby when your first is high need?

[Spoonful of Sugar]

I have a child who has been super difficult since day 1. I love her to pieces, of course, but she is definitely high need. Well, she's 18 months old now and DH and I would like to start trying for another, but we are terrified that the next will be just as hard. Also, we are scared that we won't be able to handle another since DD is still so hard to handle.

Just some examples of what I mean by high need: DD still has never slept through the night despite 4 months of sleep training and every sleep arrangement and trick imaginable, she cried for 12 hours straight the day she was born and pretty much didn't stop for the first year (I'm exagerating a bit, but she did cry inconsolably most of the time), she won't sit in strollers, high chairs, or car seats without screaming, she is extremely shy most of the time and won't be left with anyone, not even grandparents, clings and cries and throws tantrums all the time, and requires PT and OT for some mild physical delays.

I know I'm making her out to be terrible, but we love her so much and she really is a blessing. I wouldn't trade her for the world, but there were times when she was younger that I must admit, I almost wanted to. I just don't know if I can go through it with another kid. Anyone else have a kid like this? How did you decide whether or not to have another one? And please tell me that your next child was easy in comparison. I know I passed on these difficult genes to my DD, so I know it's possible that I'll pass them down again to the next one.

 

[kittycat9]

Well, you just have to consider what you can handle, and can't assume things will be 'perfect' the second time around. It sounds like your DD has some markers on the spectrum. Sensory issues obviously? My DS#2 has sensory challenges, and let me tell you - we didn't expect them, we didn't plan for them, and it's taken a lot for us to get used to them.

DS#1 is a surviving twin born at 24wks. He has a laundry list of health complications that basically sum up to mild ataxic (low-tone) cerebral palsy and developmental delays. We were very comfortable with his health needs and risks. When we decided to try again, our only concern was that we only conceive a singleton (DS#1 was a natural fraternal conception of twins, so we ran a risk of conceiving another set). When it was confirmed to be one child - we thought we would be home free, at least until 3rd trimester. No such luck, and I went in to PTL earlier that time, and put on complete bedrest for 19wks - meds, you name it. When DS#2 came, he was nearly term and again, we were back to the "normal child" mind set.

We actually consider DS2 to be our more challenging child of the two - despite all the medical and health concerns with DS1. We were simply not prepared for a high stress - high needs child. Still to this day, after a 6mo early on with PT, and after spending the past year in OT, DT & ST - he still cannot transition and can have meltdowns at the drop of a hat. Today he screamed, had fits, and cried for 3 straight hours. 3 hours. It's not a matter of discipline, and people that do not have children with sensory problems will never begin to understand what a day or an hour in our life can be like. Because they can see perfect Ian day after day, and then five minutes after they walk away - breakdown ian can appear. You just never know what will set it off. All I know is that I'm after 3 years - I'm only just now figuring out how to help him work through it, and only on the rarest of occasions - and only when I catch it at just the right moment.

Would I do it again. Sometimes I really honestly question that. Both my husband I do. We love him with everything inside. He can be the sweetest boy in the world, but there's a lot of stress and heartache there too. I just want to find a way to help him through it. Then maybe it will be better

 

[hsmamato2]

1st....please don't jump right to the place that your dd might have 'markers' which indicate a disability..... I think too many people jump in there way too fast with very young kids.
2nd....this too shall pass! my 1st was a high needs baby. he is now almost 17,and his needs are,well,still higher than his brother!
3rd ***** please please,read "The High Needs baby" by Dr William Sears,if you haven't yet.**** Some demand more of their parents.
that said,once you get past the baby years, and,utilizing good parenting and common sense- your dd will NOT always be a needy baby!
we actually waited ,and there is 6 plus years between our 1st and 2nd child!
the first was such a handful,that we waited. Now,I kind of wish I had known then what I know now,that when they grow,I would have wanted more. go figure!
I don't know what 'sleep training' is,but I know my 1st child NEVER slept thru the night. He is still a crazy night owl,he hasn't changed!
We just let him play till he was tired,then he slept with us,to save our sanity!
child#2 never had these same issues,all kids are different!

 

[Princess654]

I think it's about knowing your limits or your wants depending. When DD was 2 1/2 she was diagnosed as being "on the spectrum" with speech delays, OT Delays and, sensory issues. After getting her into a school and getting her some therapies she has come a long way (like 100%) but she still has her "needy" issues. She doesn't like strangers, strange places, and not knowing what is happening. We have learned to adjust our world to make hers not so stressful and in the process have started to help her accept things that she can not change (or has no control over). She will always be a needy child in some aspects (I also show a lot of the characteristics that she has - so I can relate, but here I am at almost 30 and surviving in the real world - married, kid, house, job, friends etc etc).

You have to decide if you want another child bad enough to take the chance of having another child just like the first - yes it is true that no two kids are the same - but well genes are genes and if you already have a "needy" combo available then it is more likely to get a similar composition again.

We decided that for my sanity and my husbands that we are done - I want to be able to devote the time that my daughter needs to accept and handle life to her and not have to split myself in two.

Good Luck

 

[vettechick99]

Both my sister and SIL had easy babies the first round, and very difficult babies the second round. One had behavioral allergies to foods (once he was taken off certain foods, he did fine) and the other I am convinced has some ADHD in him (mom is very ADHD). So it can happen that you have one difficult and one easy!

 

[blessedby3]

I have 2 easy, 1 challenging, and the last one we are waiting to see. She seems much easier than the 3rd, but not as easy as the first 2. We always wanted 4, but after the 3rd being so difficult, we figured maybe just 3. Well, when she was 9 we had our 4th. I just couldnt get over that feeling of not being "done" yet and we hoped for the best. I was also 40 at that point (almost 41) and had many concerns about that too. DD was born and she has been a joy. I see some tendancies of #3 in our last born, but also tendancies of our first two. Just because you have one thats hard, doesnt mean that they will all be that way. But its a possibility.....decisions.....

 

[disykat]

DS #1 was a very difficult infant, but really pretty easy after he turned two. We had DS #2 when he was 2 1/2. #2 was very laid back and easy going.
They're teens now and #1 is still pretty high stress and #2 is still laid back. It's just who they are.

Honestly? A big part of why we went ahead with #2 despite the difficulty with #1 was to give #1 some "normalcy" and keep him grounded. We didn't think he'd make a good only child because he was so intense. We made the right call.

Even IF your #2 also turns out to be high need, he/she will be different. I think parenting each child is so different that you don't need to worry too much about repeats!

 

[Juliet25]

My first was a very challenging baby as well. There are 5 years between my girls (for reasons unrelated to her "spiritedness" ); I honestly could not have dealt with her and another baby during her 2's and 3's, so the spacing works out well. I wouldn't call DD2 easy, but she's much easier than her sister. I'm currently expecting my third and I'm not worried about handling a 2 year old and a newborn.

Believe it or not, there're advantages to having the difficult child first -- nothing the next one can do will unnerve you. You've BTDT.

And there's really no right or wrong time to have another child. It all works out in the end. If you have another one right away, you may be frazzled for a few years, but then they'll go off to pre-school and school and you'll get a break. If you spread it out like I did, you get a break in the baby years, but you're spreading out the work of those intense first few years.

 

[kpgriswold]

Just a suggestion: unless you are an "older" mom and running out of time, why not give it another 6-9 months before TTC?

Developmentally, the first 3 years are among the roughest. You may find -- as we did with our "challenging" child -- that things begin to be a little less bumpy after the TerribleTwos have passed. (They come back again as the Terrible Teens, but that's another story!) Seriously, though, if you wait until she is closer to 3 to introduce a sib, you may find that it is alot easier on you physically and emotionally.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[mjkacmom]

#1 was the easiest baby ever (but I didn't know it at the time). She was a very challenging preschooler, though. #1 was a horrible baby - cried all of the time. He was such an easy preschooler and adolescent (especially compared to #1). #3 was a bit of a fussy baby, and VERY shy and clingy up until the age of 4. She's now 9, and by far the easiest child on the face of the planet. If I ask her to do something, she does it. With a smile. Parents and teachers comment to me all the time at how well behaved she is. #4 (dd) is also VERY easy, has never had a tantrum, or given me any attitude. #5 (ds) is a handful - pretty easy baby, but probably suffers from ADHD like his big brother, and lacks empathy.

So, genetically, it's a crapshoot. The best part of having so many kids is that I don't blame myself for the tough ones, and I don't pat myself on the back for the good ones.

 

[mom2grace]

I think the question is "Do you want another child?"

I wanted 4, I have 2 and am perfectly happy & I am done!

I wanted 4 until #1 came along, and yes, she was almost an only child! I was at home with her, no way would a child care provider have survived #1!

For me, #2 was so much easier as an infant, and frankly I was much more comfortable. Much of the difference was simply personality, #2 is easier going.

#1 has/had some sensory issues (nothing close to spectrum, but still challenging) and with #2, I was much quicker to get things addressed.

For example, both kids had reflux, it was only diagnosed with #2 because the reflux 'stuff' didn't come out of their mouth or nose, so it wasn't staring us in the face! Their nose was lined with very thin dried secretions, but they were not 'classic' cases. But, the screaming was intense. Xantac was liquid gold at this house!

#1 had lots of other issues that #2 did not have. As the get older, maybe #2 will have more issues, who knows!

 

[mom2grace]

Also, my #1 will be 9 in 2 months, she STILL doesn't sleep through the night! But, I love her to pieces still.

 

[Mickeypooh99]

DS #1 was a high needs baby. He cried all the time. When he was born the nurses refused to keep him in the nursery because he wouldn't stop crying. He aslo wouldn't sleep more than a 1/2 hour at a time day or night until he was about 3 months old. I was so frazzled, I couldn't think straight. I told DH that I didn't want anymore children.

Imagine my surprise when the flu I thought I had turned out to be another baby. DS #1 was only 4 months old when I found out I was already 1 month along with #2. I cried in the Drs. office.

It turned out great. DS #2 was the complete opposite of DS #1. He was so easy. Somehow over the years they have traded places. DS #1 is now so well behaved that everyone comments on it. DS #2 is now my problem child.

I love them both equally, and I'm so thankful to have them.

As for the Dr. Sears book- I read that when DS #1 was a baby, and I found it to be a total joke. I couldn't believe some of the things he recommended. The few things I tried from the book didn't work. I guess it works for some people, or he wouldn't be so popular.

 

[ToyStoryBo]

This is a tough one because I've not walked in your shoes. I just want to say that I have 5 boys and can honestly say that no 2 were alike. #1 was a piece of cake...seriously....he NEVER cried. EVER. I was thrilled that I was able to stay home with him, otherwise I was convinced he would've been ignored at daycare because you never knew he was around. #2 was a bit more difficult but not terrible. He's now 9 and still the most challenging of them all. My #5 is 17 months old and still does not sleep thru the night, whereas all my others did very early on.

 

[princessmom29]

I have 1 DD who is now 6. She started out this way. She didn't sleep more that 1 1/2 hours at a time for the first 3 months and when she was awake she was crying or being held, or both. I could not put her down fro more than 5 min to do anything. This went on for about six months before I decided I had enough. I strated listening to my Mom when she told me that DD would not die if I didn't pick her up right away every time she cried, and that I needed to put her down awake ad not run to her every time she cried. I tried, but was inconsistent and got little results. I had to find it in myself to stay consistent and follow through every time to get any peace in our house. She was aobut a year old before I really got it under control. I was jumping every time she cried and she was controlling the situation, not me. I was trying so hard to be a good Mom, and was really raising what was beginning to be a spoiled brat. It took my mom sitting me down and telling me that I wasn't doing my child any favors by allowing her to behave that way, that if i continued I was going to have a child that didn't listen or respect her parents. Taht got my attention asnd mademe realize that for her own good i had to deal with it now and correct her behavior.
I am not saying that this in neccessairly your situation, but it is worth taknig a good hard look at what is going on, and wether what you are calling "high need" is really willful because I can be, and no one places limits. This is what i had, and the longer you wait to fix it, the harder is gets.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Just a suggestion: unless you are an "older" mom and running out of time, why not give it another 6-9 months before TTC?

Developmentally, the first 3 years are among the roughest. You may find -- as we did with our "challenging" child -- that things begin to be a little less bumpy after the TerribleTwos have passed. (They come back again as the Terrible Teens, but that's another story!) Seriously, though, if you wait until she is closer to 3 to introduce a sib, you may find that it is alot easier on you physically and emotionally.

Just my 2 cents.

I agree. I think I would wait and see how things shake out as DD gets older. She might mellow as she ages and make it easier for you to have #2.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agree that I would wait and see what the future holds for your first child before you TTC. DS was a premature baby and VERY high needs. He cried ALL the time for ever!! But..his was a situation that he did outgrow and became a delightful child. My friend had a simular high needs infant that did not get better and is on the Sepctrum for autisum. The kids were very much alike as infants. Time may be your best friend in seeing where you are with your oldest and give you more insight on another child. Prayers for you. Been there..done that!!!

 

[Juliet25]

So, genetically, it's a crapshoot. The best part of having so many kids is that I don't blame myself for the tough ones, and I don't pat myself on the back for the good ones.

LOL, I this sentiment!

 

[jacksmom]

My ds was high needs! But, I really did not fully realize this untill dd came along! He never slept! Was almost 3 before he ever slept through a night and then did so just occasionally! In all of our many videos of his first 2 years, he was screaming! He was healthy, but he was very needy and very quick to let you know if things were not just right for him! He also did not like anyone to care for him but me and dh! We adored him though, and would have done anything for him and really thought he was perfect! Because of fertility problems, he was 9 when to our surprise dd was born! She never cried, almost always slept (we thought something was wrong with her)! He is now just turned 13 and perfectly normal! He excells in math, was an early reader, plays several sports, has friends and is a great loveable kid with a very level head! We could not ask for more! DD is very laid back, he just never has been! So, I would say just because a child has extra needs, it does not mean anything is "wrong" with them! Some kids just need lots of love and patience! And, we learned that all kids are different!

 

[Disneychix]

OP, I'm right there with you. DS was a preemie and currently has Speech and OT. Other than those lingering issues he has been a joy. They got him on such a great schedule in the NICU that it was a breeze once he was home. Also, he never cried, my family called him the 'fake' baby!

We're afraid of having another baby because DS still has some trouble communicating but mostly cause we don't want #2 to be the difficult one!