OT Am I the only one that thinks this is rude?

[bgirl29]

In our neighborhood there are a couple of girls that are good friends and play together all of the time. Well when one of them is gone the other will often come see if my daughter can play. That is all fine and good, but what gets me is lately the oldest girl (they are about a year apart in age) will call here and ask for my daughter on the phone, then when I give my DD the phone she asks for the other girl. So, am I the only one that would be bugged by this? I just think this is really rude to call someones house looking for a different friend to play with. It is fine when they all want to play together, but sometimes when DD has been playing and the third friend shows up they leave and go to one of the other girls homes and tell my daughter to stay home.

My daughter is almost 8 and realizes more this year what is going on and is starting to not want to play with one of these girls and it is hard sometimes because they are the easiest girls for her to be able to play with. And yes we have been making playdates with girls from school, but my DD still likes to play with the neighbor girls too, especially since one lives across the street and they see each other outside.

Sorry if this makes no sense I guess I am venting too because this has been bothering me trying to deal with my daughters hurt feelings and not alienating the neighbors.

 

[ajk912]

Oh, 7-8 year old girls are so CATTY, aren't they? That would burn me up, too. I used to do daycare and when I had all three of the 7-8 year old girls, someone would ALWAYS be left out. Annoyed the heck out of me, and I spent a TON of time referreeing. To us, I don't see why the three of them can't play TOGETHER, but to them..ugh..three is a crowd I guess? Still, it made my blood pressure rise when I saw it! I don't know the answer, I WISH I did, but I guess I am just responding to say that you aren't alone!

 

[adoptionmomma4]

It would upset me too. I wish I knew the answer. Unfortunately it continues for a long time. DD is almost 11 and the girls are fine if there are 2 or 4, but let there be 3 and it is almost always 2 against 1. I hate it!!!

It happens with 7-year-old boys as well. My DS is always either too young or too old to play with a group of boys in out neighborhood. They all want to play with him alone, but in a group he is always left out. In fact the older neighborhood boys were being very meant to him the other day. I had DS come in and I felt so bad for him. I went to the basement to my gift closet and got out a really cool flying toy I had. I set it all up with DS and he took it out back to play. About 2 seconds after he had it outside all of the boys who were being mean, "really wanted to play with him". I told them to all go home. If they do not want to play him until he had a cool new toy then they didn’t need to be here. They were so mad one of them even said "I am going to tell my dad you won't let me play in your yard and he is a COP!" I just smiled and said please send him over if he has a problem with it

The lack of involvement from the parents in my neighborhood amazes me. I do not think they really know how the kids are acting outside. Maybe talk to the mothers and see if they any suggestions for making it a little easier. Good luck!!! Parenting is so hard

 

[MommaSnowwhite]

When girl #3 calls your daughter when she is playing with girl #2 I would just say that your daughter is busy and will return the call when she is available. Perhaps that will help with that problem. I am sorry that this is happening.

 

[tlbwriter]

Yes, it's extremely rude. I agree with the previous poster - when the other girl calls, tell her your DD is busy and cannot come to the phone, but she will call her back later. And if she shows up at the door after that (which will probably be the next step), open it just a crack and say "Sorry, DD can't play now, maybe some other time, bye!"

Three girls is hard. It always seems to end up two against one, even when they're all equally good friends. In this case, your daughter is already the "odd man out," and it will be even worse any time the three of them are together.

 

[eeyoremum]

been there done that. Only with boys. I agree with the other poster and tell the girl at the door or on the phone that your daughter is busy.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

this is rude but its ypical of girls and its only going to get worse


in j.h.s. my best friend ditched me for a group of girls just because i didnt like that same boy as her

 

[luckey-lasvegas]

My DD had the same exact problem last year. I talked to her to see if she understood what as going on ,which she did. I told her that she needed to decide if she was willing to be treated poorly just so she could have someone to play with. I also explained to her that people only treat you the way you allow them to, and if it were me I would call the girl out on her behavior tell her she wasn't being a good friend and when and if she cared to be a true friend give her a call. They didn't play together for a few months but the other little girl came back around , then it started up again but this time DD decided she wasn't worth the effort and kicked her to the curb . She now plays with the boys down the street (much less drama!)

 

[jenrein]

Girls....got to love them. And yes, it will only get worse. I though think that you need to let your daughter learn for herself. You as the parent should stay out of the situation as much as possible so she can own her actions and learn from them.

 

[rt2dz]

One of the reasons why I love having all boys—girls are just mean. Although, boys will do it too, just not as openly and quite as nasty.

You have a couple of options.

Tell the second girl when she calls that your daughter is busy and you’ll take a message. You know what is likely to happen and she is busy playing. Problem diverted, and probably solved as the other girl gets the hint. The older girl is probably pulling the strings.

You could just start telling your daughter she isn’t allowed to play with the other girl. Your daughter might not like that though.

You could talk to the other girls’ mothers. Chances are good though that it will be taken out on your daughter and the meanness could get worse.

You could ignore it and let them find their own way. One of the three will get sick of it and end the friendship, most likely your daughter. And she will be very hurt along the way.

I’d go with the first option. Any option you choose, I’d talk to your daughter about what is going on. Maybe let her choose what you do. Good luck!

 

[TKERBELL]

It happens in boy world as well. I have friends who have girls and go through this same thing, I have all boys and been there done that as well - simply I have told my kids that they are not allowed to be part time friends, and they should not put up with anyone who behaves that way either!!! Play as a group, get along, learn to work it out and move on......

 

[BoilerGirl91]

I feel your pain and agree that it is rude. My daughter is 7, turning 8 in August and girls this age seem to be horrible. On our cul de sac, we have about 9 girls in this age range and when they get together as a group, they can be downright nasty. My daughter always wants to play with the four girls that live next door to us (two separate houses) and she always is the fifth wheel. I finally got tired of her coming home and crying after she was playing with them and finally told her this was no way to live. This summer I had her seek out other kids on our street - one girl is an only child who is a grade below her and another girl is a grade above her and has a brother. Believe me, it works out so much better when it is just one on one.

The hard thing at this age is that they are so sensitive. My daughter will get upset and tell me what someone did and a week later she is playing with them and I am the one still holding the grudge. It is hard to see your child get hurt or used, but sometimes you need to just let go and try to steer your child in the right direction.

 

[LisaZoe]

OP - I'm another mom to a girl in that age range so I can totally relate. My DD had about 6 girls to play with in a 2 block area so it usually wasn't a big deal. Unfortunately, 4 of those girls moved in the past year. I have to admit I wasn't terribly sad about 3 of them moving because they had all been very mean to my DD at times. I really felt they played with her only when no other options were available and they'd leave as soon as something better came along - often telling DD she couldn't come with them even if they were just going to the home of another friend of DD's. The 4th girl who moved is the one we miss the most. She and DD got along really well and they didn't play the same mean "I won't be your friend if you don't do X" games.

Of the 2 who still live in the neighborhood, one (R) seems to only come over on hot days when she wants to swim in the pool. The other (A) would be OK but I've caught her in a couple lies, including at least one that she encouraged my DD to tell me. I'd specifically told my DD she couldn't go to the home of R so they said they'd go to A's home to get something. When they got back, I could tell my DD was feeling guilty so I asked her if she'd gone to R's home. She said no but I knew it wasn't the truth - or at least not the whole truth. We talked more and eventually she admitted they'd first gone to R's home and then to A's home so she hadn't really lied to me when she said she went to A's home (I have a feeling A convinced her it wasn't lying since they did go to her home, too). We had a long discussion about trust. I let her know that if she and A did something like that again she wouldn't be allowed to play with A any more. I stressed that I'd know because moms know everything

When girl #3 calls your daughter when she is playing with girl #2 I would just say that your daughter is busy and will return the call when she is available. Perhaps that will help with that problem. I am sorry that this is happening.

I think this is a great solution.

 

[vcgirl925]

When girl #3 calls your daughter when she is playing with girl #2 I would just say that your daughter is busy and will return the call when she is available. Perhaps that will help with that problem. I am sorry that this is happening.

ITA with this. And yes i agree its rude.

 

[perkinsrose]

When girl #3 calls your daughter when she is playing with girl #2 I would just say that your daughter is busy and will return the call when she is available. Perhaps that will help with that problem. I am sorry that this is happening.

That was my thought too

 

[proteus]

Very poor manners. Like the person who invites you to their house then talks on the phone while you sit alone.

 

[Disney_Angel]

The lack of involvement from the parents in my neighborhood amazes me. I do not think they really know how the kids are acting outside. Maybe talk to the mothers and see if they any suggestions for making it a little easier. Good luck!!! Parenting is so hard

Ditto for my neighborhood. I am a SAHM and so is my neighbor. We feel between us that we are neighborhood "babysitters" LOL
But we both agree that it is better that WE have our eye on them.
Being a parent is hard! But so worth it!

 

[bgirl29]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I have talked to my daughter about how true friends would act. And some days now she doesn't want to be bothered playing with the other girls. Of course when I tell them that she doesn't want to play or is busy they ask why or what is she doing. Now that she is being somewhat more assertive with them it seems they are coming around more often. Oh well, I know it is not that big of a deal in the scheme of things.

I have tried telling the 2nd girl that my daughter is busy when she calls and then she has just knocked on the door. And of course my daughter and the other girl with both come running when they hear a knock.

I know it only gets worse, my older daughter was in 7th grade last year. I was just mainly venting and wishing it could be easier to know what is the right way to handle these things.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Sorry to hear about this but I feel your pain... well with my neice anyway. She plays with a girl who is a year older then her. Whenever someone else comes to her house she leaves my neice to go play with the other friends. My neice has rules and can't do as far down the road as this other girl either. It's been hard for her mom to console her feelings about this. Luckily they are about to move so maybe she can find other friends to play with. I guess it happens a lot in her class too. They all do it. One day they want to be best friends and the next one of them gets left out.

Unfortuantely it goes on with adults too!!! I work with some of the craziest women!

 

[tigger813]

OK, so I'm not the only one having this issue. With us though it's more a parent who sent me a rude email that her daughter's "social circle" is too full this summer and just because we live so close is not a reason to be friends. OMG these girls are 8 and they have to have a social circle! She also blasted me and said she and her daughter were uncomfortable that my daughter asked her instead of the child if they could have a playdate. I remember my daughter getting a yes from the daughter and at my house permission also has to come from the parent. This email came after I had nicely invited the ladies 2 daughters over to use the sprinkler on two 98 degree school days. Needless to say we haven't spoken to them since the email. We will have to see them come September as the bus stop is at their house and they are in Brownies together. This summer has been rough watching my daughter stare at the girl wanting to play with her and not understanding why she wasn't friends anymore. She even got another parent to lie that there was not a gathering at her house the last day of school but of course her car was there. I'm not putting this neighbor in an awkward situation and just staying away from them for the summer too. My daughter isn't perfect but to be treated like this is just downright thoughtless and hurtful to a young child. We practice inclusion in this house not exclusion!