Opinions, please--paying for brother to attend funeral

[Lumpy1106]

Ugh - vehemently disagree about the Zoom. You're just not thinking this through if you think that's a good idea.
Case 1 - B chooses not to participate, feeling are hurt that he didn't even do that much. I honestly think this is the better outcome
Case 2 - B Does log in on Zoom. You clearly don't get along - tons of awkward silence, but B walks away having "done his part". It's right up there with "sending thoughts and prayers" IMHO.
Case 3 - and this is complete fantasy; B zooms in, everyone enjoys spending time with him (virtually) during the ceremony. It just sound ridiculous, doesn't it?

You are hoping for case 3 if you really think Zoom is a good idea. It's not going to happen and it's a terrible idea - don't do it.

 

[jdb in AZ]

If B wants it on zoom, he can be the one to suggest it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Ugh - vehemently disagree about the Zoom. You're just not thinking this through if you think that's a good idea.
Case 1 - B chooses not to participate, feeling are hurt that he didn't even do that much. I honestly think this is the better outcome
Case 2 - B Does log in on Zoom. You clearly don't get along - tons of awkward silence, but B walks away having "done his part". It's right up there with "sending thoughts and prayers" IMHO.
Case 3 - and this is complete fantasy; B zooms in, everyone enjoys spending time with him (virtually) during the ceremony. It just sound ridiculous, doesn't it?

You are hoping for case 3 if you really think Zoom is a good idea. It's not going to happen and it's a terrible idea - don't do it.

I think you're assigning more emotional angst here than needs be including for the OP and the OP's sister. Maybe they don't want to even think to deal with it who knows. I'm not even for nor against the zoom but it has been done so it's not a novel idea.

On the other hand arbitrarily holding something back is petty don't you think?

This is why people say weddings and funerals bring out the worst. Unfortunately in recent years I've attended more weddings and more funerals where people manufacture drama just to do so.

Case 1 the OP already feels this way regardless. They've already explained in detail that they don't feel B has carried their weight in the past. So what does it accomplish to say no to zoom on the basis of this? Does this make the OP or their sister feel better having done that?

Case 2 why does that even matter? That's on B. No one can control when someone feels they've done their part or not. Again people in grieve in different ways.

Case 3 Ridiculous maybe but it was a matter of necessity for people during the height of the pandemic when people literally could not attend events. I'm fairly certain people made do even if it wasn't the ideal situation. And how awful would it be to tell someone who desperately wanted to attend the funeral of their loved one but couldn't "this is a ridiculous idea to zoom this we're not doing it, it's a terrible idea". That last part is general because I assure you there were plenty of people who lost loved ones who appreciated the ability to see people virtually.

 

[disykat]

Lumpy, I think you are misinterpreting what zooming into a funeral might look like. I don't think any of us here are suggesting that the funeral is held like an awkward zoom meeting or party where everyone is on the screen looking at each other. What we are suggesting is basically a low-tech easy way to watch a livestream with the possibility of interacting afterwards if wanted or needed.

 

[VandVsmama]

I'm looking for opinions on a family matter. I have 2 brothers, both older, and a younger sister (note: we're all ~60, very close in age). My sister called today to say that our older brother, D, is in the hospital, unconscious, and on a ventilator. We knew he'd been hospitalized a few weeks back (COVID, I think). This brother has been a drug addict for decades. The last time I saw him was almost 17 years ago, at our mother's funeral. He's chosen not to have contact with the family, and didn't list us on his hospital contact form. My sister visited him today, (his contact person had her information, and has added her to the visitation sheet). She's requested last rites and gave him a scapula--we were raised Catholic. Sis and I will discuss any end-of-life decisions--I'm 800 miles away, but prepared to travel at a moment's notice, she just has to say the word. She and I will split the costs of a burial, funeral, and so forth.

Sis contacted our other brother. He lives out of the country. He says he can't come, he's broke. This is his modus operandi. When our mom died, my sister literally had to leave the wake to pick up this brother, B, at the airport. He expected to be housed, fed, and chauffered around during the entire time he was in the US. He also, famously, asked about his inheritance from our mother, 48 minutes after her funeral ended (showing, for him, great restraint).

I know if this brother does actually come back for our other brother's funeral, he will pay for nothing. Not his own expenses, not any funeral expenses, nothing.

My initial thought was, heck with him, it's his only brother. We also haven't seen him in 17 years--ironically, my sister and her husband went to his adopted country last year. They stayed with his ex-wife...and never saw our brother.

So, now I'm feeling guilty. I'm concerned that, at a funeral, my cousins will ask after the second brother, and question why I couldn't give him the money to come to a family funeral. Truth is, SIs and I COULD afford it. But, this brother has been a mooch his entire life. OTOH, the dying brother is a drug addict, and we're willing to pay his final expenses.

Anyway, I'm torn. I'd love to hear some outside opinions. My husband says he's not getting a dime. Most times I agree with him. He's chosen to be a user his entire life. But then I think, this is the final goodbye to our oldest brother, I should show some grace.

Your other brother is a grown man and has been adulting for over 40 years.

Do NOT pay for him to fly in from overseas to attend the funeral.

If he wants to attend it, he'll find a way.

If other busy body relatives ask how come other brother isn't there, tell him something like "He couldn't make it" and leave it at that. You owe none of them any explanation. Chances are that they know very well that Other Brother is a mooch and they're really just looking for gossip fodder.

 

[QueenIsabella]

OP here. Minor update.

I talked to D's landlord yesterday--nice guy, 81 years old, D has been a big help to him.

D has an infection in his blood--he was hospitalized for COVID--twice, despite being immunized, but was fine a week ago, when he was having trouble speaking and standing. He may have had a small stroke, but they can't give him a CAT scan due to the ventilator. There's a DNR order in place--landlord has a healthcare proxy, but wants to abide the family's wishes.

D is on methadone, gets disability checks and food stamps. These are probably due to him surviving lymphoma. Landlord thinks the state would pay for cremation, but again- he'll follow the family's wishes. He liked the idea of scattering the ashes at sea, since he know of D's love for it.

I told him that we would do whatever gave Sis peace, and left him my phone number. He said that D had nothing but positive things to say about his family (that might have been a lie, but we'll run with it).

P.S. There will be no zoom of the funeral. Sis, love her!, can't even send a text. If B wants to participate, he can get his butt and gear and do what it takes. Personally, I think the only way he'd show up is if he got wind that D had an unclaimed winning lottery ticket.

 

[kymom99]

I’m glad to hear you were able to gain some insight from the landlord. Is there any chance your brother could pull through from this?

 

[QueenIsabella]

I’m glad to hear you were able to gain some insight from the landlord. Is there any chance your brother could pull through from this?

We're trying to be both cautiously optimistic and realistic, if that makes sense.

 

[antmaril]

I would tell people he chose not to attend and leave it at that. If he cared, he would come. He doesn’t care.

This. 100%.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Lumpy, I think you are misinterpreting what zooming into a funeral might look like. I don't think any of us here are suggesting that the funeral is held like an awkward zoom meeting or party where everyone is on the screen looking at each other. What we are suggesting is basically a low-tech easy way to watch a livestream with the possibility of interacting afterwards if wanted or needed.

Yes, we did this when my MIL passed last November. A cousin and her husband couldn't make it because they had covid. So the church simply turned on their livestream which they'd already had set up since they have an elderly congregation for the most part and had been doing that for months on end during the pandemic. It's super easy and not a big deal at all.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Yes, we did this when my MIL passed last November. A cousin and her husband couldn't make it because they had covid. So the church simply turned on their livestream which they'd already had set up since they have an elderly congregation for the most part and had been doing that for months on end during the pandemic. It's super easy and not a big deal at all.

Yes. We watched a dear friend's funeral on Zoom during the pandemic -- they had over a hundred computers tuned in.

 

[Living42Day]

Haven't read the whole thread, but seems like a tough choice to make. I would err on not paying and just stating the facts at the funeral if he chooses not to attend "I'm not sure why he didn't come, we don't keep in touch".

But, this is coming from the situation of where my own aunt was collecting money to be able to go to her brother's funeral and then at the last minute said "funerals are too hard" and didn't show. Kept all the money she collected, though. Funny how all the other funerals she has been to are fine, even for those who are only mildly related/known to the family.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Sad update: I talked to the doctor (and my sister) today. They will be providing comfort care, and let nature take its course. Given that his kidneys--and everything else--are failing, his condition is not survivable. They performed a CT scan, and found brain damage.

On the sort-of good side, back when our mom was deteriorating from dementia, SI had a chance to talk to D about heroic measures, and he was adamantly against them. So, I feel confident that we're doing what he would have wanted.

I want to thank everyone who has participated in this thread--whether or not I've agreed with you, I appreciate each and every opinion, and have considered them carefully.

 

[focusondisney]

Sad update: I talked to the doctor (and my sister) today. They will be providing comfort care, and let nature take its course. Given that his kidneys--and everything else--are failing, his condition is not survivable. They performed a CT scan, and found brain damage.

On the sort-of good side, back when our mom was deteriorating from dementia, SI had a chance to talk to D about heroic measures, and he was adamantly against them. So, I feel confident that we're doing what he would have wanted.

I want to thank everyone who has participated in this thread--whether or not I've agreed with you, I appreciate each and every opinion, and have considered them carefully.

Very sorry @QueenIsabella. Hopefully his passing will be peaceful & you’ll find comfort with memories from happier times.

 

[TippyThomas]

Sad update: I talked to the doctor (and my sister) today. They will be providing comfort care, and let nature take its course. Given that his kidneys--and everything else--are failing, his condition is not survivable. They performed a CT scan, and found brain damage.

On the sort-of good side, back when our mom was deteriorating from dementia, SI had a chance to talk to D about heroic measures, and he was adamantly against them. So, I feel confident that we're doing what he would have wanted.

I want to thank everyone who has participated in this thread--whether or not I've agreed with you, I appreciate each and every opinion, and have considered them carefully.

Wishing you and your family the best during such a difficult time.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm sorry to read the latest update & didn't know whether to "like" or add a "sad face" to your post, so I did neither. I hope your sister & you find comfort & peace now & in the future.

 

[superme80]

Sad update: I talked to the doctor (and my sister) today. They will be providing comfort care, and let nature take its course. Given that his kidneys--and everything else--are failing, his condition is not survivable. They performed a CT scan, and found brain damage.

On the sort-of good side, back when our mom was deteriorating from dementia, SI had a chance to talk to D about heroic measures, and he was adamantly against them. So, I feel confident that we're doing what he would have wanted.

I want to thank everyone who has participated in this thread--whether or not I've agreed with you, I appreciate each and every opinion, and have considered them carefully.

I am so sorry to hear that.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Final update: My brother passed on Wed. 20 minutes after I talked to the doctor. The hospital told the landlord, thinking he would notify us. Landlord thought the hospital would notify us. So, here we are. Sis is visiting the funeral home this afternoon and will let me know of the timeline. I think we'll do a cremation and internment, with a mass. I checked the cemetery where our parents are buried--they have two "cremation gardens", so that's a likely spot.

As to B--I'm in favor of notifying him (of course!), and giving him the chance to attend/participate. If he chooses not to come, that's his choice. Sis and I won't give him a dime--we're already paying for the funeral, etc. And not expecting B to kick in a dime for that. We'd never see any promised funds, anyway, so we won't even ask.

 

[focusondisney]

Very sorry for your loss.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sorry to hear of the loss even as expected as it was