Opinions, please--paying for brother to attend funeral

[slo]

Hugs to you during this difficult time

I have an estranged brother and the only way that I would pay for him, if put in your situation, is if he genuinely asked for help and could give me some type of verbal guarantee that he wants to be an active & loving member of the family again. In no way would I pay because I felt he should be there. If he can’t show any type of effort, than I can’t show him any type of money.

Good luck with this - having estranged family members is sad and stressful

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Like others, I definitely see both sides, and unlike other situations, I don't have a side I quickly come down on.

I think it would come down to how *I* would feel a week, a month, a year, or more AFTER the funeral about the decision. Will I continue to feel guilty about not allowing brother to "say his final goodbye's"? Will I be just fine in leaving him to his own devices? Probably the former, but not by much.

I wish you luck in your decision.

 

[sk!mom]

It’s perfectly fine to simply say, he’s out of the country and couldn’t make it. People can draw whatever they want from that but I wouldn’t say more. Anyone who would persist is rude. It’s also fine to pay his way. I would ask myself, what is better for sis and myself. What would leave us without regret?

At this point in my life, close to your age, I would more likely regret money spent on a relationship with so little value as a 17 year gap.

 

[dvcgirl67]

No, I wouldn't help him. He's 60-ish and you haven't seen him in seventeen years. When your other sister was in his adopted country it sounds like he couldn't even make the effort to visit with her. I understand your point on showing grace, but you've already done that for him when your Mother passed away. I also hear some embarrassment/guilt in what the extended family will think (trust me, I get it). But....I'm with your husband, I would simply inform him when your brother passes, give him the details of the funeral plans and leave it at that. If and when the rest of the family asks where your brother is, I'd simply say...."he couldn't make it." .

I think it's extraordinarily kind what you and your sister are doing for your brother who is passing away. That's enough. Hang in there.

 

[ronandannette]

Firstly; I'm very sorry about the impending death of your older brother. Saying goodbye can actually be harder with those we've been estranged from; no more time to get it right and perhaps so much left unsaid. Grace and peace.

As for your other brother, well, it's complex, but there's really no wrong answer here. You and your sister need to do whatever satisfies your own conscience. If you two want him there for the semblance of family unity, or to honor your mother or whatever, then yes. If you can afford it - go ahead and spare yourself any possible regret. OTOH, please, please do NOT do it if you are just going to resent it, and him, more than you do now. That’s not good for anybody.

If you do go ahead, he travels/stays/is fed etc. at your convenience, not his own. Be firm on that and appoint somebody (one of your husbands or maybe an adult niece or nephew) to keep him in check if he starts to get contentious.

Last thought is your comment about your husband, who doesn’t want to do it. This is a stressful time and the last thing you need is disagreement between the two of you, so do take that into account. I’ve been there, but we always deferred to each other for the final say in matters with our own families of origin. I wish you all well.

 

[RUDisney]

If it was you or your sister, would he try to be there if no one would pay for him? Sounds like he didn't seem to care about coming to your Mother's funeral, either.

It's one thing if he is desperate to attend and can't afford it vs. you offering to pay when he hasn't given an indication that he even wants to be there. He may only come because you are paying and he doesn't want you telling people that you offered and he declined.

My family took money from my grandfather's account to have my aunt come in for his funeral. She had flown in a few weeks before to be with him and she couldn't afford the second flight. She was grateful that the POA gave her the money to fly again.

Is there any amount of gratitude your DB will have in you funding his travel? He didn't even see his sister when she was near him.

I don't know if I would pay for him with a good conscious. It's not like he is 12 and can't afford to do what he wants. He is 60 and should make things work for himself if he isn't going to be grateful for your generosity.

 

[disneychrista]

Does he even want to come? Wanting to come and not being able to afford to is very different than not being able to afford it because he doesn’t really want to come.

 

[punkin]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I would not pay. It seems to me when people say then can't afford something, other things are more important to them. So your brother does not put any priority in coming to his brother's funeral. It's sad and unfortunate, but at the end of the day... not really a matter of money.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I’m sorry about your brother.

Honestly with you having to foot the bill I would just have an intimate memorial without nosy cousins there. If other brother wants to come he can make the effort.

it's a difficult time for you already - why make it harder on you and your sister.

 

[monsterkitty]

I am sorry about your brother.

I agree with CdnCarrie, I'm not sure I would have a funeral but do a memorial service instead. We did this with my uncle, who also had no contact with the family for several years. For him, it was more appropriate to have a memorial service as opposed to a full service because we were unsure how many people would attend due to his estrangement from the family due to his addictions. The memorial service was spent fishing at his favorite fishing spot because that's how we wanted to remember him before the addictions took over.

As for your other brother. Let him know the services will be on this date, time, and place and leave it at that. If he asks for money for travel expenses, explain you are using your money on the services for your brother and are unable to help.

If cousins and other family members ask where your brother is, I wouldn't say he choose not to come, but instead, "He was unable to come due to travel."

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I would not pay. It seems to me when people say then can't afford something, other things are more important to them. So your brother does not put any priority in coming to his brother's funeral. It's sad and unfortunate, but at the end of the day... not really a matter of money.

In fairness the OP said the brother lives out of the country. Airfare especially needing it so soon is likely not to be all that cheap. And airline travel is quite the nightmare these days.

Regardless of whether this was a pattern of behavior of lack of taking up responsibilities for the OP's brother, domestic travel can be hard enough for people let alone international.

I'm sure there are so much going on such that no it's not merely about the money but I wouldn't discount the hardship it could be for the person to get to the U.S. so quickly and I also wouldn't discount the hardship on the OP and her sister for having to arrange or just worry about the logistics behind out of the country family members.

 

[notatallmagic]

So sorry you are having to navigate this.

As someone whose family has also been torn apart by addiction and abuse (I have two sisters and one brother), nosy family, and end of life decisions - the easiest answer is "do what will leave you with peace".

I've reached the point where I have forgiven, but have not/will not/do not intend to reconcile, but rather love from a distance. Any contact with two of my siblings has the potential to leave me spinning mentally, and in person contact would be rough. My parents were amazing people, but my mom especially had ZERO boundaries, and in her kind and loving way, perpetuated/enabled some truly awful behaviors. My mom WOULD have/did paid for anything/everything, so that would not likely be the question I asked myself.

It sounds like you are in a reasonably healthy place, so reflect on your own peace and conscience. Prayers for you for peace and healing.

 

[QueenIsabella]

OP here. A few additional comments/thoughts.

I did talk to my DH this morning. A big concern that I have his that Jerk Brother (we'll call him "B") will try to guilt my sister into paying for him. Sis is an extremely kind, caring person. Dh and I agreed that, if Sis felt compelled to pay for B to come, we would split the cost--not for him, but for her. Of course, I'm going to talk to Sis, see how she really feels, before B can try to manipulate her.

Some people may remember, I posted a few months ago that Sis's husband was getting his leg amputated. Surgery was done 1/27, and he's recovering nicely. He even hopes to get fitted for his prosthetic this week. This is just more on Sis's plate, and their house is in shambles--he's living on the first floor, using the dining room as his bathroom. Their plumbing broke, and Sis is taking showers with a bucket (side note: I offered, while I was there, that she was welcome to shower at my hotel. She declined.). The plumber is supposed to come today. But realistically, B can't stay with her. And she's already shuttling her husband all over town.

B and I have never gotten along. The biggest issue is, I'm 11 months younger, and when I skipped a grade, it was into "his" grade. One day, he might forgive me. I'll wait right here. But because of this, my mom felt guilty and enabled him his whole life. He would take the train to come visit--and "forget" money for return fare. Mom would offer it willingly, even though she had none to spare.

When DH and I got married (1987!), we were 2 years out of college. It was a nice, but modest wedding, with a cash bar (to appease my uber-religious mother). D agreed to keep an eye on B, make sure he didn't act up. All went well, until it was time for DH and I to leave. Then, we got B's wedding gift--his bar bill! He'd been drinking top-shelf liquor the entire time, and charged it to me. DH and I sighed and paid it--we didn't want a scene, and at least he hadn't been disruptive. But, this is pretty much how it went for decades. Him moving out of the country was a relief.

 

[Kennywood]

If you and your sister are going to split the cost of the funeral, burial, etc, you're going to need all the money you have. Take the money you would have spent on flying and catering to your other brother and put that toward the funeral and burial expenses.

Perhaps the funeral could be streamed, so that your other brother could attend virtually.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Oh my. It does not seem like your sister can afford to take care of travel and funeral for your brothers. It's not fair that grown adults are putting her in this situation.
Funerals do not have to be big or expensive. You do not need to fund a huge reception.
Cremation and and small family gathering at your place or a restaurant. Respectful and no drama.

 

[notatallmagic]

OP here. A few additional comments/thoughts.

I did talk to my DH this morning. A big concern that I have his that Jerk Brother (we'll call him "B") will try to guilt my sister into paying for him. Sis is an extremely kind, caring person. Dh and I agreed that, if Sis felt compelled to pay for B to come, we would split the cost--not for him, but for her. Of course, I'm going to talk to Sis, see how she really feels, before B can try to manipulate her.

Some people may remember, I posted a few months ago that Sis's husband was getting his leg amputated. Surgery was done 1/27, and he's recovering nicely. He even hopes to get fitted for his prosthetic this week. This is just more on Sis's plate, and their house is in shambles--he's living on the first floor, using the dining room as his bathroom. Their plumbing broke, and Sis is taking showers with a bucket (side note: I offered, while I was there, that she was welcome to shower at my hotel. She declined.). The plumber is supposed to come today. But realistically, B can't stay with her. And she's already shuttling her husband all over town.

B and I have never gotten along. The biggest issue is, I'm 11 months younger, and when I skipped a grade, it was into "his" grade. One day, he might forgive me. I'll wait right here. But because of this, my mom felt guilty and enabled him his whole life. He would take the train to come visit--and "forget" money for return fare. Mom would offer it willingly, even though she had none to spare.

When DH and I got married (1987!), we were 2 years out of college. It was a nice, but modest wedding, with a cash bar (to appease my uber-religious mother). D agreed to keep an eye on B, make sure he didn't act up. All went well, until it was time for DH and I to leave. Then, we got B's wedding gift--his bar bill! He'd been drinking top-shelf liquor the entire time, and charged it to me. DH and I sighed and paid it--we didn't want a scene, and at least he hadn't been disruptive. But, this is pretty much how it went for decades. Him moving out of the country was a relief.

Again, just my opinion with many similarities in family dynamics

Your sister reminds me of my little brother (he's 50sih...lol) - the "kindest" one who gets taken advantage of. I'm the "mean" one who tries to protect him from the other two. Cue the angry/nosy cousins/aunts...lol

Your sister has SO much on her plate - her kind and loving nature is a gift, but also allows others to take advantage and trample boundaries. Just because she's willing to "help" your brother doesn't mean she should be expected to...by anyone.

My sisters "have hated me for 30 years" - like you, I have suspicions why (I didn't have allergies was one comment made; and I moved back to our hometown? Definitely hate inducing and epic sins), but am trying to move on. Your brothers both made choices, and choices have consequences. YOU are not responsible for standing in the way of those consequences, nor for trying to encourage other choices. We are about the same age, and the best thing for me was to try to model different behavior for my kids; they saw the dynamic, and THEY called it out already when they were in grade school.

Again, YOUR peace. Not what anyone else thinks/says. I had a family member with whom I've been "No Contact" for a few years in a car accident a few months ago. This person had enabled/defended the childhood sexual abuse of two family members by another, and after hearing of her accident, I had nightmares for weeks. I thought I had moved on, but just that little bit of contact set me back. It pretty much solidified for me that attending her funeral (she did recover thank God) would have been too much for me; and that loving from a distance was best.

Good question to ask - if your best friend/kid/someone you love was in your exact situation, what would you advise? Hugs.

 

[TwoMisfits]

OP here. A few additional comments/thoughts.

I did talk to my DH this morning. A big concern that I have his that Jerk Brother (we'll call him "B") will try to guilt my sister into paying for him. Sis is an extremely kind, caring person. Dh and I agreed that, if Sis felt compelled to pay for B to come, we would split the cost--not for him, but for her. Of course, I'm going to talk to Sis, see how she really feels, before B can try to manipulate her.

Some people may remember, I posted a few months ago that Sis's husband was getting his leg amputated. Surgery was done 1/27, and he's recovering nicely. He even hopes to get fitted for his prosthetic this week. This is just more on Sis's plate, and their house is in shambles--he's living on the first floor, using the dining room as his bathroom. Their plumbing broke, and Sis is taking showers with a bucket (side note: I offered, while I was there, that she was welcome to shower at my hotel. She declined.). The plumber is supposed to come today. But realistically, B can't stay with her. And she's already shuttling her husband all over town.

B and I have never gotten along. The biggest issue is, I'm 11 months younger, and when I skipped a grade, it was into "his" grade. One day, he might forgive me. I'll wait right here. But because of this, my mom felt guilty and enabled him his whole life. He would take the train to come visit--and "forget" money for return fare. Mom would offer it willingly, even though she had none to spare.

When DH and I got married (1987!), we were 2 years out of college. It was a nice, but modest wedding, with a cash bar (to appease my uber-religious mother). D agreed to keep an eye on B, make sure he didn't act up. All went well, until it was time for DH and I to leave. Then, we got B's wedding gift--his bar bill! He'd been drinking top-shelf liquor the entire time, and charged it to me. DH and I sighed and paid it--we didn't want a scene, and at least he hadn't been disruptive. But, this is pretty much how it went for decades. Him moving out of the country was a relief.

If that scenario happens (he actually wants to come, and guilts your sis into paying), I would pay for his trip for the amount of time needed to be at the wake, funeral, burial, and then back home (so, he'd get 3 days stateside tops on my dime). But ONLY if he makes the ask - I wouldn't make the ask to him - I'd want to see he at least volitionally wants to be there...

 

[RoseGold]

I have an estranged family member. I'd rather set money on fire than pay for anything for them.

But in this case, I would follow the wishes of your mom. If you think your mom would have paid for it, I would pay for it with what she left, and I would do it out of love to her.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I left Sis a message to call me tonight so we can talk. I was considering cremation--we grew up near the ocean, D worked with boats, it's something he loves, so spreading his ashes at sea would be a good choice. (Unless it goes against Catholic teaching--Sis is religious, I'm not).

I should note--D was always the kind, funny, smart brother. There's absolutely no question for Sis and I, that he should get a respectful burial. We were even "fighting" about who would get his dog--it turns out, it's the landlord's dog that he helps care for, not his, but Sis and I were adamant that the nonexistent dog NOT go to a shelter.

Of course, this has been on my mind a lot, and memories have been coming up. When B and I were sophomores in college, our grandmother died. Her funeral was the first day of classes for me. I attended the wake, but not the funeral, not wanting to miss classes (electrical engineering major, first "real" EE classes--pretty important!). B reamed me a new one for not attending the funeral, even though I'd gone to the wake the night before (at no small inconvenience, since I had to take a bus from college to the wake location, but hey--my grandmother, right?). So, maybe it's my turn to tell HIM, "How can you live with yourself? How selfish can you be, not attending the funeral?" and all the other things he said to me back then.

 

[mylilnikita]

I’m not religious so take it for what it is but is brother in hospital religious? If not I wouldn’t be paying for a big religious send off.
Both my parents donated their bodies to science(restrictions do apply).


And all the stuff in the past if u didn’t hash it out and say stuff back when it happened then he has the power so let that go