Opinions, please--paying for brother to attend funeral

[QueenIsabella]

I'm looking for opinions on a family matter. I have 2 brothers, both older, and a younger sister (note: we're all ~60, very close in age). My sister called today to say that our older brother, D, is in the hospital, unconscious, and on a ventilator. We knew he'd been hospitalized a few weeks back (COVID, I think). This brother has been a drug addict for decades. The last time I saw him was almost 17 years ago, at our mother's funeral. He's chosen not to have contact with the family, and didn't list us on his hospital contact form. My sister visited him today, (his contact person had her information, and has added her to the visitation sheet). She's requested last rites and gave him a scapula--we were raised Catholic. Sis and I will discuss any end-of-life decisions--I'm 800 miles away, but prepared to travel at a moment's notice, she just has to say the word. She and I will split the costs of a burial, funeral, and so forth.

Sis contacted our other brother. He lives out of the country. He says he can't come, he's broke. This is his modus operandi. When our mom died, my sister literally had to leave the wake to pick up this brother, B, at the airport. He expected to be housed, fed, and chauffered around during the entire time he was in the US. He also, famously, asked about his inheritance from our mother, 48 minutes after her funeral ended (showing, for him, great restraint).

I know if this brother does actually come back for our other brother's funeral, he will pay for nothing. Not his own expenses, not any funeral expenses, nothing.

My initial thought was, heck with him, it's his only brother. We also haven't seen him in 17 years--ironically, my sister and her husband went to his adopted country last year. They stayed with his ex-wife...and never saw our brother.

So, now I'm feeling guilty. I'm concerned that, at a funeral, my cousins will ask after the second brother, and question why I couldn't give him the money to come to a family funeral. Truth is, SIs and I COULD afford it. But, this brother has been a mooch his entire life. OTOH, the dying brother is a drug addict, and we're willing to pay his final expenses.

Anyway, I'm torn. I'd love to hear some outside opinions. My husband says he's not getting a dime. Most times I agree with him. He's chosen to be a user his entire life. But then I think, this is the final goodbye to our oldest brother, I should show some grace.

 

[kymom99]

I would tell people he chose not to attend and leave it at that. If he cared, he would come. He doesn’t care.

 

[ncc1701]

Sorry for what you and your Sister are going through. Agree with the PP about telling people your other brother was unable to attend.

 

[gncntry]

I can understand your feelings, but I would ask if your mother was alive would she have helped your brother with airfare? If the answer is “yes” then I would do the same. Think of it as honoring your mother and not supporting a mooch.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I would just tell people it's none of your (meaning you OP) business why your brother did or did not come. I wouldn't add any information about him choosing or not choosing to come. I would just leave it simple and blunt enough that it shouldn't leave people gossiping or wanting to ask more questions. It's not truthfully anyone's business anyways and it's a funeral for your other brother. People's attention should be on that anyhow.

 

[CindysFriend]

My first reaction was “Don’t pay for him to travel to the funeral”, but the thing is, this is a one-time event (the death of your other brother); just really think it through, you don’t want to have any regrets.

If you don’t think that you’d regret it some day, then tell him “no”. But like a previous poster said, think of this as honoring your mother and not that you’re giving money to a lifelong mooch.

Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[FQLover]

Hugs to you! I see your dilemma and understand both points of view.

I guess you should ask yourself what your gut thinks you should do and what you can live with for the years to come. That may be to pay for him coming, but it may not be. Have you talked it over with your sister?

 

[JLTraveling]

I totally see both sides, and ultimately you'll have to decide what you can live with. But I would lean towards paying for it. If you're paying for final expenses for the brother that didn't even have you on the hospital visitation list, I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the other one out. But again, I do see both sides.

 

[Imzadi]

So, now I'm feeling guilty. I'm concerned that, at a funeral, my cousins will ask after the second brother, and question why I couldn't give him the money to come to a family funeral.

Your gut reaction is your guilt is over other people questioning you on WHY you didn't pay, rather than having a guilt about not paying your brother to come. I think you have your answer.

First of all, YOU don't need other people questioning you on your finances and whether you should pay or not. It is improper boundaries. It's not their right. It's not their business what you do with your money.

If you think they want to make it their business, then contact the cousins in question and ask them if THEY want to contribute to paying for your brother to show up. YOU and your DSis don't HAVE to put in any funds. You can decide to allocate your money anywhere ELSE you want. If the cousins aren't or would be willing to put in their own money to bring your brother over, then they have NO RIGHT to judge you and your DSis. PERIOD.

FAMILY is more than biology. You haven't had a relationship with either brother in 17 years. Yet, ONE you and DSis feel a need and WANT to pay for his funeral. The other, you don't feel a need to pay his way. Again, that says it all. You and DSis do not have the feel the same way about both brothers. That is an external pressure and societal expectation that has nothing to do with the exact specifics you have with each brother. Let that go. Do what you want and what you think you will and won't regret down the road.

Last, I'm sorry about your impending loss.

 

[georgina]

Personally I would be OK with not paying for him to attend. He hasn’t made any effort at all to be part of the family even when your sister was nearby? To me the aggravation and resentment I would feel dealing with him during the funeral time frame would be too much

 

[GoingSince1990]

I would say pay. But (and this is what you would probably do anyway) buy the ticket for him, don't send him the money to buy the ticket.

 

[starry_solo]

Personally, I say no to paying.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Since you haven't seen your brother in 17 years, how many friends attending the funeral would need to ask where the bro is? If people know you have a non-attending brother, they probably also know why he didn't bother to come.

 

[mylilnikita]

I’m sorry the one brother is not pulling through at the hospital.
The other brother:
I say no. He has chosen to be apart so with that comes the consequences. If he has done this before ablit funerals and you expect him to do it again and you choose to pay then you can’t complain about doing it again.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am so sorry to hear about your brother that is not doing well.
Regarding paying your other brother's way, personally I would NOT do it. If people ask you why he didn't come, you can tell them to ask him.

 

[Disneylover99]

Ugh. I can’t imagine having cousins who would question you as to why you wouldn’t give your other brother money.

If you want to pay, then pay. But try to ignore the guilt trip others will lay on you if you choose not to pay.

I wish you peace in your decision.

 

[kymom99]

I wouldn’t even mention money to the cousins. I would just tell them he chose not to come.

I have a brother who is married to a nut. Literally. She would back out of going places at the last minute after we made arrangements to get them a ride. (Neither of them drives) We finally stopped asking. We pick up our brother and that’s it. If anyone asks where she is anymore we say we don’t know why she chose not to come.

 

[RogueX]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm of the mind of not paying, but that's because my stepmother went through this when her mom died.

Her estranged son showed up to her mother's funeral, though he had nothing to do with the family in 11 years. He looked like he rolled out bed in some grubby sweats and made his appearance with his wife and son. Completely ignored his mom, chatted with a few family members and stayed until the reception was over.

Turns out it was confirmed by the uncle managing the estate, my stepbrother only paid his respects because he thought he was getting a nice inheritance. Nope, nothing.

 

[Jangles]

I would have more sympathy for your brother if he was asking to visit your other brother on his deathbed. If one can’t be bothered to visit a living person, why on earth would one feel entitled to visit a dead person? If your brother wants to ‘offer his respects’ on the death of his brother, there are many ways he can do this without attending the funeral.
I am so sorry that you are having to even think about this when you are already worried about your dying brother.

 

[buzzrelly]

I'm sorry about your brother, but there is not a chance I'd pay for the other brother to attend. He's an adult. Maybe the reason he's such a loser is because people have enabled him to be so. My guess is, if he really wants to attend, he will figure out a way to do so. It's not your job to figure this out or even feel bad about how he's choosing to live his life, and you certainly don't owe anyone an explanation about it. If people ask, I'd shrug and say, "I am not sure why he couldn't attend," and leave It at that.