Opinions please on eloping!

[JerseyJanice]

One of my nephews eloped this past summer. His parents and brother and myself were not happy about it. I feel like he cheated himself out of the gifts that would have given him a small nest egg.

Since I don't know his bride's family, I can't say whether the elopement spared them any family drama from that side. On our side, his brother was the only person who gave him grief. I gave them the same gift that I would have given if they had a regular wedding. I love this kid dearly and support him no matter what his decisions are, and his parents feel the same way.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[brockash]

We are thinking of eloping. We are also considering doing it somewhere in New England where we are from, so any romantic suggestions would be appreciated. Some questions:

1. If you eloped, do you regret it?
2. Was your family super upset?
3. If you have children and they elope will you be hurt or upset?
4. If your siblings eloped, would you feel relieved, or be upset?
5. Anyone wish they eloped?
6. ANyone married at city hall? Any regrets?

We are really limited by budget, and we are hoping for fun stress and drama free ceremony. We have contemplated inviting our parents & siblings, but we are concerned this will cause all sorts of unsolicited opinions and the type of drama we are hoping to avoid.

1. Yes, and yes. We were young, if I had been older and it wasn't my first marriage, I'd probably feel different. I really regret never getting to have my dad walk me down the aisle. I regret not getting to dance with my dad. I regret not really having any "wedding" pic's ect.
2. Yes, my family was pretty upset/hurt. It's not like they stopped talking to me or anything, but yes they were hurt, and probably still wish they could have been there.
3. If either of my kiddos eloped, yes I'd be a little sad.
4. If one of my sibling eloped, I don't really know if I'd really care one way or the other.


I think it really depends on the 2 ppl. getting married and their families ect. I think for some ppl. it probably works out best. For me, it was a stupid decision, that I regret, and probably always will. I don't regret much in life, and really that's the only thing I can really think of that I'd classify as a regret for me.

 

[SNylund]

What you can do is tell everyone that in a few years when you have more money you are going to do a big ceremony and invite everyone and renew your vows. And make it sound like a money issue as to why you eloped now and they will all have this to look forward to in the future.

 

[robinb]

I thought about eloping, but my DH wanted a real wedding. So we had a small wedding. We were married in a building that only seated 75 people, so that's what we were limited to. We had a pre-wedding party for work friends and acquaintances the week before at our home.

OP ... I guess if your family will create too much drama then you should go ahead and elope. There is no reason for you to deal with that kind of thing if you don't need to. If it's a question of money, I would wait and save up enough for a small wedding. You don't have to invite everyone you or your parents know. You can do very nice, inexpensive receptions. A friend of mine had cake and champagne after her afternoon wedding. Another friend had only a few people at their wedding: immediate family, best man (and date ... me!) & maid of honor with date.

Good luck and congratulations!

 

[eeyoremum]

I can answer number 5. We were going to elope but DMIL flipped so we had the wedding and she flipped because it was not what she wanted.

I regret to this day that we had a wedding. I am not the type to be "placed on display" and I am not a woman the "wanted her day". It was painful, stressful and not at all the wonderful, happy experience they show on television.

 

[Jennasis]

One of my nephews eloped this past summer. His parents and brother and myself were not happy about it. I feel like he cheated himself out of the gifts that would have given him a small nest egg.

Since I don't know his bride's family, I can't say whether the elopement spared them any family drama from that side. On our side, his brother was the only person who gave him grief. I gave them the same gift that I would have given if they had a regular wedding. I love this kid dearly and support him no matter what his decisions are, and his parents feel the same way.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

This is illogical. For starters, at my first wedding, it cost around $25K to throw a nothing-out-of-the-ordinary Long Island wedding. I had 150 guests. We "made" around $16K in cash. NO nest egg, since it was all used to pay off a smidgen of the debt incurred in throwing the stupid wedding.

Unless somebody else is footing the bill, the couple rarely "makes" money.

Also, are you saying that nobody else sent your nephew and his bride a gift? Even a small one? I can't imagine that. If I had a family member who eloped or just threw a wedding and didn't invite me, I would send along a card with a check (perhaps a wee bit smaller than if I had attended) like you did.

In fact, my cousin is getting married next month. Neither he nor any of his immediate family came to my wedding a few years ago due to a HUGE family fight that lasts still to this day. None of them sent me a card or anything. Whatever...but my parents, who are NOT invited to the wedding next month, have already set aside some cash to send to my cousin and his new wife. I will be going to the wedding, since I have repaired the damage to our relationship since the fight.

 

[FireDancer]

I can't answer most of your specific questions, but I am at an age where many of my friends are getting married. Some have large weddings their parents pay for, some have smaller formal weddings they pay for themselves, and some go get married then come back and have an informal party.

I would say do what you want to do. It is your wedding/elopement, so in the end it only matters if you are happy with the decision. If you feel that you would feel like you missed something by having a wedding, then have one. If you don't feel the need, then don't. In so many situations I have witnessed the parents often forget that the center of attention is the couple getting married, not anyone else, including the parents.

As far as getting gifts and such, everyone I know that did elope or got married at a JOP still had a reception of sorts. Granted I only know 2, but one had a gathering at their home and another had one in a hall they rented. Both got gifts, just like they had a reception. One had a shower and one didn't (I went to neither so don't know if it was as formal as most).

I would not think any less of any of my friends that eloped or had a private JOP ceremony just like I don't think more of them for throwing a lavish wedding.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

My twin sister eloped and got married by a JOP. They did this as a secret and didn't tell anyone. They did it so she could be on her DH's insurance. They were also planning a wedding a year later. To this day, the only people that know are our parents and me. How we found out was that my dad works closely with a few people at the court house and goes down there a lot, many people who work there no him and us. One day he was down there and a clerk had a conversation with him.

Clerk - Congratulations
Dad - Thanks, on what?
Clerk - your daughter getting married
Dad - which daughter?
Clerk - Stacey
Dad - Their wedding isn't for another year, I didn't realize they were already married.

My parent were extremely hurt. My sister did not say one word to them about it and that is how they found out and of course my parents were already paying for wedding stuff.

 

[robinb]

My twin sister eloped and got married by a JOP. They did this as a secret and didn't tell anyone. They did it so she could be on her DH's insurance. They were also planning a wedding a year later. To this day, the only people that know are our parents and me. How we found out was that my dad works closely with a few people at the court house and goes down there a lot, many people who work there no him and us. One day he was down there and a clerk had a conversation with him.

Clerk - Congratulations
Dad - Thanks, on what?
Clerk - your daughter getting married
Dad - which daughter?
Clerk - Stacey
Dad - Their wedding isn't for another year, I didn't realize they were already married.

My parent were extremely hurt. My sister did not say one word to them about it and that is how they found out and of course my parents were already paying for wedding stuff.

Yikes! I had a friend who was married in secret ... mostly because no one could stand his new wife. He didn't tell me, he didn't tell his best friend, he didn't even tell his parents. He wasn't young either .... he was in his late 40's . They are now getting divorced 3 years later. Starting off your marriage with a lie is not recommended.

 

[lspst8]

One of my nephews eloped this past summer. His parents and brother and myself were not happy about it. I feel like he cheated himself out of the gifts that would have given him a small nest egg.

Maybe he isn't materialistic! To throw a wedding reception just to get a lot of gifts is ridiculous.

@Pooh Friend -- I could see how your parents would be really hurt in that circumstance, especially if they were footing some of the bill for the wedding reception. I would feel deceived if I were in their shoes.

 

[JerseyJanice]

This is illogical. For starters, at my first wedding, it cost around $25K to throw a nothing-out-of-the-ordinary Long Island wedding. I had 150 guests. We "made" around $16K in cash. NO nest egg, since it was all used to pay off a smidgen of the debt incurred in throwing the stupid wedding.

Unless somebody else is footing the bill, the couple rarely "makes" money.

Also, are you saying that nobody else sent your nephew and his bride a gift? Even a small one? I can't imagine that. If I had a family member who eloped or just threw a wedding and didn't invite me, I would send along a card with a check (perhaps a wee bit smaller than if I had attended) like you did.

Had my nephew not eloped, his parents would have thrown a small reception for him and that's where he lost out on receiving a nest egg.

Other than what I gave myself, I have no idea what gifts the couple received. To be honest, I was disappointed that he decided not to share his big day with his family, but I sucked it up and gave him what I would have if he had the fanciest reception ever. As I have learned after 14 years of marriage, a wedding is the smallest part of any marriage, and I genuinely wish my nephew all the best.

 

[Jennasis]

Had my nephew not eloped, his parents would have thrown a small reception for him and that's where he lost out on receiving a nest egg.

Other than what I gave myself, I have no idea what gifts the couple received. To be honest, I was disappointed that he decided not to share his big day with his family, but I sucked it up and gave him what I would have if he had the fanciest reception ever. As I have learned after 14 years of marriage, a wedding is the smallest part of any marriage, and I genuinely wish my nephew all the best.

Which is why I said "unless somebody else was footing the bill."

But perhaps, like a PP pointed out, it wasn't about the money or gifts for them?

And I totally agree with your last sentiment there.

 

[2bearsmom]

Due to money we considered eloping too until I was told by a friend of mine that; "Every woman deserves to walk down the aisle and have her day at least once". We saved for a year to do a modest wedding.

You can still walk down an aisle and have your day, who says it has to be in a church with hundreds of people? My dh and I went to Jamaica, to a Sandals resort, to get married, 9yrs ago. Just the two of us. Nobody was helping us pay for the wedding, there were already issues while we started planning it (with remarks from family) and we had planned on going to that destination for our honeymoon. So, we decided screw it! It's our day and if anyone wants to hop a plane and join us in Jamaica for our wedding that is great. No one hopped the plane but us! It was still wonderful though. The second day there we picked out our location (out on a pier under a gazebo), my flowers, the cake etc. I still walked down "the aisle" of a white sandy beach wearing my wedding dress, I had my day. It just wasn't filled with bickering family members, stress, stress and more stress.

We wouldn't mind at all if our boys decide to that one day, but they better know that we will be hopping a plane to be there, unlike our parents!

 

[Chelley00]

DH and I considered eloping (it was a second marriage for both of us), and when our parents got wind of it, they threw fits! They were afraid my young sons would feel left out. Our parents had hoped we'd get married since we had known each other all our lives almost and were not happy to miss it.

Instead we had a low key wedding at a park/lake shelter house with a picnic reception. We invited family and close friends, and suggested they bring clothes to change in order to enjoy the parks activities after the ceremony. Our families went swimming, played softball, hiked trails or just sat around and talked. We have been told over and over how much fun people had at our wedding, and how it was like a big family reunion. Our entire wedding cost maybe $600, including food. We have lovely pictures and are really glad we ended up not eloping.

 

[disykat]

I think eloping is fine, but I'd be careful how you do it. My Dad's sister eloped to a JOP in the neighboring town which happened to be 1 block from where dad was working at the time. He found out the wedding had happened during his lunch hour and he could have easily gone if he had known. They took some friends with them as witnesses. His feelings were hurt that he could have literally been walking right past there at the time and wasn't invited when the friends were.

Avoid a location where people could have come easily. Avoid including friends but not family (unless your family dynamics make that the lesser of two evils) because they will feel bad.

 

[minniecarousel]

You know your family best, but I've got two sons and I LOVED being at their weddings. I would have been sad if they had eloped, and not invited at least the parents. I also would have had a "family party" for them after the fact, and invited my large, extended family (we all get along - so no drama there.)

Just wanted to add - my niece married her long-time boyfriend last year, and invited just their parents to the ceremony. Several months later, they had a huge BBQ/picnic at a local park (reserved a particular area) and invited all their friends and their large, extended families. I think it worked out well.

 

[EthansMom]

Instead of eloping, DH and I had a small, immediate-family-only wedding... 14 of us altogether. It was much simpler, lower stress, and more affordable than many weddings these days.

I won't mind if my kids want to "elope", when they are older. But I would like to be invited to their wedding ceremony.

My advice to folks looking to get married is that the "marriage" is more important than the "wedding". There's nothing wrong with having a big production-type wedding if you and/or your family can afford it, but there's no reason for people to think that they HAVE to have that kind of to-do in order to start their married life.

With the money we saved by having a simpler wedding, DH and I went on a cruise for our honeymoon (budget) and had enough money to make a down payment on our first home.

 

[wdwfan16]

We are thinking of eloping. We are also considering doing it somewhere in New England where we are from, so any romantic suggestions would be appreciated. Some questions:

1. If you eloped, do you regret it?
2. Was your family super upset?
3. If you have children and they elope will you be hurt or upset?
4. If your siblings eloped, would you feel relieved, or be upset?
5. Anyone wish they eloped?
6. ANyone married at city hall? Any regrets?

We are really limited by budget, and we are hoping for fun stress and drama free ceremony. We have contemplated inviting our parents & siblings, but we are concerned this will cause all sorts of unsolicited opinions and the type of drama we are hoping to avoid.

I can answer this WRT my cousin and her DH.

They told both sets of parents they wanted to take them out to dinner to a nice place so get dressed up. As my aunt tells it she thought the dinner was to announce they were getting married.

My aunt and uncle were shocked when they were taken to the Court House and they got married. All four parents were not thrilled and the two brothers (one on each side) were upset that they were never invited to their only siblings wedding.

IMHO it was a bad idea for them. I understood why they did it, two different religions, but it did not go over well.

We are a close family so many of us wanted to be there. It would have been better to have a civil ceremony that the family was invited too.

My Aunt had a small party for them after, a sort of wedding reception.

My cousin has said she regretted it years later when we all started to get married, she was the first, and had Church weddings and receptions.

For me I would be hurt to not be at my kids wedding and really hurt if a sibling was not invited.

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

As long as you let everyone know I don't see the problem. I was pretty upset when my dad got remarried and didn't tell us till the day off. Just let people know ahead of time.

 

[Nancyg56]

I really can only answer #3. I would be very sad not to see my children marry. I would not care if they chose to have very small ceremonies, no reception, BBQ anything, but I would want to be there to celebrate their Marriage. If my oldest chooses to elope I would never say anything (who am I kidding, I would but he would expect that) but I would never hold it against him.