OPINIONS PLEASE!!! FIL wants to pay our way but wants it HIS way!

[tommygirl79]

Good morning fellow family DISers!!! I really need your opinions on this issue. Forgive me if I go long on the explanation.

My family (DH, me, DD5 and DD 2 1/2) have been to WDW the past two years. My family went a lot when I was a child and DH and I went on our honeymoon. Last year my parents went with us but this year we went just the four of us.

DFIL (and I use the "D" lightly if you know what I mean) now wants to take the family to WDW - we are under the impression that he wants to pay our way at least for the hotel and some other things. He and I definitely are not "kindred spirits" in any shape or way. He lives 12 hours away from us and only sees us around 1 MAYBE 2 a year if we're "lucky". He's the type that sends money for the girls for christmas and birthdays so that we can pick out what they want and basically just never wants to commit a bunch of time doing anything special for the girls that he would have to go out of his way to do. He's also the type that it's his way or you're the one who's stupid. You get the idea right? He and DH don't have a super great relationship - no huge issues there but he was just an absent (in mind) father and DH never felt close to him and still doesn't. DH is the exact opposite with my girls and that's completely foreign to DFIL.

Okay, there's the background - here's the current situation. I am a Disney freak! DH has been converted in recent years and DDs have followed suit! We like to stay onsite as we feel this is what makes a trip to Disney extra special for us. We had THE BEST family vacation in January staying at CBR using the Dining Plan, Disney Transportation most of the time, stopping and smelling the roses, etc. It was all about what the girls would have fun doing and what we enjoyed as a family. So, in short, we don't take a trip to Orlando - we take a trip to WDW!!!

Okay, so DFIL is former military so he would be eligible to stay at Shades of Green. Even though it's on property, it doesn't have all the Disney "feel" to it and the perks that go along with it. At least that's my understanding. However, I had studied on the Resort board about it and had made my peace that at least we would be on property.

Now he found out that there are military timeshares somewhere you can stay for pretty cheap and wants to do that. He also is dead set on doing Universal Studios and enjoying Orlando more. In the beginning he made it sound like we would be taking a trip to Disney. I know that means different things to different people, but i'm sure you all can imagine how we treat Disney.

We aren't down on US or other places at all - just the point our girls are at and how feel about WDW, well, that's where our sentiment and our hearts are. We feel that there are so many things that we still want to experience there that we just would rather still experience WDW.

We have basically told him this, but he is CONVINCED that we won't miss staying onsite, doing "just" WDW and that we will absolutely LOVE US! Maybe we would enjoy it, but it just will NEVER have the sentimental value for us that WDW does and we won't be staying for long enough that we would want to take away from WDW time. We are to the point where we almost want to tell him that we will be paying for ourselves, staying XXXX, doing XXXX and if they would like to join us (he and his live in girlfriend, which is another issue altogether). We wish that he would let us plan a true Disney vacation so that he would understand the special pieces of WDW that he's never experienced.

Are we just being selfish? Our viewpoint is that it's our vacation time too - special times with our girls being little are limited and we want to make the most of every vacation we can. Honestly, it a huge compromise for me to even think of spending a week's vacation with him - a weekend really pushes it when he's here because he's just hard to be around.

Okay, flame me if you want...just wanted everyone's opinions...thanks all!!!!

 

[TommyTutone]

So basically you are contemplating turning down a free trip because you cannot have it the way you want it?

I generally prefer Disney over the other parks, but you do yourself a disservice by ignoring the other attractions in Orlando, whether it be Universal Studios, or Sea World (our family's favorite park actually), or even something like Medieval Times.

Your children's ages may not be the optimum for enjoying many of the US thrill rides, but if it's free (or even just cheap), then I'd say you are cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

 

[Hannathy]

IMO you sound like a spoiled brat. Grow up. Are you being selfish yes, you are turning down a free trip and more importantly a chance for your DD's to know their Grandfather because you can't have everything your way. Most people put up with requests like these from their inlaws and then have to pay for them to.

Go and let your DD's see theirGrandfather and experience a different type of vacation it is good for kids to have many varied experiences growing up and keep your trips to Disney just the way you want when it is just you. Speaking as a long term married person I truly hope this is the most seirous in law crisis you have in your life you will be very lucky.

Semi-flaming but sometimes we have to step back and see what we sound like to others to really see the situation. Sorry please go and roll with the punches your DH will appreciate it even if he doesn't verbalize it now.

 

[tommygirl79]

I appreciate the opinions...that's what I was wanting to know. There are of course many factors into why my opinion is what it is...it's not JUST about wanting the vacation the way we want it, even though that how it sounds when giving the short (kinda) synopsis. I think the main thing is that both DH and I feel like he's just doing this to pay his dues with the kids - it won't be about them - it's always about him and what he wants and he uses his money to do that. I am not a spoiled brat - I assure you, even though I'm sure that's what you might take from the situation, but that's your opinions and I respect that.

We probably will go with him because as you said, it's a free trip and we would be crazy to turn it down. I think the real issue really lies in personality issues between us and him.

Again, thanks for the opinions...anyone else?

 

[budbeerlady]

I would think that if you agree to go on a trip that he is paying for it should be on his terms. Go with them, have an open mind and a good time. See it as an chance for him to get to know his grandkids and he is atleast making an effort by doing this trip. Then later take the trip you want to wdw with your funds.
Dh has a "father" like this, we let him come to us and Dd when he is ready. (Usually the cash for Christmas and B-days.) He has been coming around more and if we were given this deal we would go and smile the whole time.

Would it be my ideal vacation, NO but he is making an effort and you should appreciate it and go! Maybe he will see what he is missing with your Dh and grandkids and make more of an effort. And it would give you a chance to get to know his "friend" better, maybe she is pushing him to be a better person?

 

[JennyW]

I wholeheartedly but respectfully disagree with the previous posters. It is your time, and from your description of your father in law, it sounds like you'd have a miserable time doing it his way, with him not respecting your opinions of what to do when, what your children need when, etc. Yes, free is good, but if it's time with the grandfather your kids need or want, there are better ways to do it. Something more quiet like a camping trip or something.

You make your own decision, but if it was me, I would politely decline. You know what makes a trip special for you, and you know what could potentially make a trip stressful and not enjoyable. Listen to your heart, not just your pocketbook. Good luck with your decision!

jenny

 

[39CINDERELLA]

no matter who is paying it is all of your vacation so you must all be able to have an input!
Do not feel guilty or obligated to do it all your DFIL's way.
Put it to him as nicely as possible that you want to do or have specific things for your family too.
It is not being disrespectful.

(for you flamer's)...we have taken many trips with family that we have paid for and have never made it just our way or no way!

the OP is not being immature.

 

[tommygirl79]

Thank you to the last few posters...I think you have a grip on my dilemma. We would be taking the trip EITHER way...being paid or not. Honestly, sometimes it worth the money to truly enjoy the trip and not feel guilty about wanting to do certain things. If it was all his money, knowing him fairly well, we would do what he wants to do and he would pout if anyone wanted to do something he didn't.

Thanks to the posters who stress the girls and myself getting to know him and his SO better. This isn't a new woman on the block - they've been together longer than DH and I (I think something like 12 years now) so I know her and actually get along pretty well with her so she isn't the issue personality wise. That's the only reason we are having the dilemma - if I didn't want the girls and myself to form a better relationship with DFIL I wouldn't have even thought about the trip - but I know that it's important - I just hope their hopes don't get raised up and ours with them only to be disappointed.

 

[mickeyfan2]

There are two issues here. 1) a free Orlando vacation and 2) what you want to do. If you do 1) then US and less WDW is included. If you do 2) then you pay and forget the whole thing.

If it was me I would try to convince him to do Shade of Green and then you do US to. If that is not acceptable, then go your seperate ways and you pay for your WDW vacation.

 

[Minnie824]

unless you could not afford to take the trip on your own - even then I would maybe say no- just say we'd like to pay our own, we some things our kids would like to do, would not like, we'd like to give them this experience. I completely understand...DH & I both work, and to me, our vacation time is just that - ours....its our time to spend quality time together as a family doing what we want to do. My parents want to go to disney w/us as well, but I'm not ready for that yet. I want us to enjoy our time together. maybe thats selfish, but you know what, its your time and your family and you have every right to do what you want on your vacation. Maybe suggest him going at the same time, meeting you sometimes. Or even show him the hotels you like, maybe he'd be interested in it as well. Good luck.

 

[kaysmommie]

Hello, I completely understand your dilema! I too have a DFIL (d is not for disney). He would plan my life if I let him and completely sickens me! He even forgot to call DD on her b'day last year, she was turning 5 and knows the difference. I could just see him taking over my trip the know it all. So I can sympathize. You just want to have a good time with your little girls. I understand people think it would nice to have FIL see the kids at WDW. But it sounds like it might not be as much fun as you have previously had on your last trip. Anyway keep us posted. We are going to Sea world next trip as it does look pretty awesome but I will pass on Universal until my kids are big (1&6) and actually want to go. how does your DH feel about all this? Good Luck.

 

[Selket]

Do you and your DH get a very limited amount of vacation time? If so I can certainly understand some reluctance to spending it on a less than optimal vacation.

Would you have the option of adding a week or 4 days or so to the end of the trip your FIL is planning for just you and DH and the kids to stay at WDW hotels and do things there? That might also be a compromise of sorts. I have done something like this on vacations before and it gives me something to look forward to that I KNOW I will enjoy. It certainly makes me tolerate with a much happier outlook the things I end up not liking For example, perhaps book a few nights at one of the hotels at WDW you've wanted to try - something nice like the Poly - and some good ADR's. That can make the whole trip worth it

Just because the vacation is free doesn't make it enjoyable. On the other hand on the chance that it actually betters the relationship between your FIL and your kids (and the whole family even) then it might well be worth taking that chance and offering suggestions to your FIL but ultimately going with his decisions and possibly trying to enjoy things you wouldn't otherwise experience.

Good luck!

 

[Matt'sMom]

I can empathize with the OP's situation--I have several relatives with similarly controlling attitudes (sort of an "I spent all of MY money to provide you with this vacation, and now you should demonstrate your appreciation by agreeing to do everything MY way."). This is as much about personal boundaries as it is about attempting to nurture a relationship with the FIL. How this situation is handled could potentially contribute to building a healthier relationship, in which everyone is respectful of the other's feelings, opinions and personal boundaries... or not.

If it were me, DH and I would have an honest talk with FIL. I would probably opt for telling him that we would like to join them in FL and share part of our vacation time... but that we would prefer to pay our own way and retain some flexibility to our personal schedule & choice of resort. If DFIL still wants to contribute financially, then he is free to offer to pick up the tab for some shared meals, or maybe a visit to the water parks, or one day at SW (if you think your family might enjoy going there)... but that you would be more comfortable NOT having him pay the lion's share of your vacation expenses. Having traveled to Disney with extended family before, in my experience things go much smoother if you do not feel locked into doing absolutely everything together as a group for the entire time. Offer to get together on a few of the days, perhaps spending some time together in the WDW parks (assuming that both your family and FIL plan to spend at least part of your time there), getting together for a few special meals (how about a character meal, so FIL can share in the magic of seeing your children interacting with the Disney characters?), inviting FIL and his SO to visit you at your onsite resort (maybe they will see how wonderful it is, and become Disney converts too) etc. at intervals throughout your vacation. On days when DFIL wants to go to other Orlando locations or do things that simply do not interest your family, then you can all agree to go your separate ways without hurt feelings.

IMHO, you can treat DFIL kindly, and provide an opportunity for your families to grow closer, without having to feel indebted to him or stuck spending your entire vacation doing everything his way. Best wishes for a magical visit to WDW!

 

[dsnymomof4]

I can completely understand you wanting to do things your way, especially since you've been there the past 2 years and know how wonderful it can be. But, since you've been there twice already, maybe you can give DFIL a chance and try to do some other things as well. Granted, I don't know him, but would he really be unwilling to compromise? Maybe he could agree that you can stay onsite and you could agree to do some non-Disney things (unfamiliar territory to me as well), and you could explain to him that you all would be planning the trip together - that way everyone wins!

 

[hollyb]

Our friends did stay where your FIL wants to stay. They had a great time. Only you can make it work for you and your family. Go and make the best of it.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

I have had trips pretty well ruined by other people i invited and i've had to take makeup vacations.

I have wonderful inlaws and a week vacation together is still pushing it.

Set aside 75 % of time for your immediate family and cede control of 25% of time (or 50%) where it goes exactly the way he wishes. Where to stay, where to visit, where to eat. I'd let him treat you to vacation his way!

IF each part is separate it will be much less frustrating for you and for FIL than trying to negotiate compromises all day each day.

Last trip DD and i did MK and princess stuff together and guys were sent to Disneyquest for a whole day which they enjoyed . The rest of the vacation was together. It worked really well.

DDalmost 5 really really enjoyed USF/IOA because of Barney, Scooby do, Seuss stuff and especially the ball playing and water playground past the Barney area. Bring bathing suits and towels for the water play area.

We stayed at Shades of Green before renovation and enjoyed much larger rooms than newer Disney resorts. We also liked the convenience and reasonable costs of eating Buffet dinners at the Hotel each night. Haven't stayed at a military associated timeshare though or even heard of it.

 

[isla bonita]

I think there are ways that you can both get what you want. Staying off property is just another different experience. If it is not what you enjoy you never have to do it again. IOA has a beautiful kiddie area my daughter loved. She is not a brave child so the rides there were more then enough. The parks are very nice. Not all rides are appropriate but neither are they in WDW if you are not tall enough. You never have to do it again if you choose so.

 

[marlynnp]

I agree with post #13!

 

[Grendalynn]

Hello, I completely understand your dilema! I too have a DFIL (d is not for disney). He would plan my life if I let him and completely sickens me! He even forgot to call DD on her b'day last year, she was turning 5 and knows the difference. I could just see him taking over my trip the know it all. So I can sympathize. You just want to have a good time with your little girls. I understand people think it would nice to have FIL see the kids at WDW. But it sounds like it might not be as much fun as you have previously had on your last trip. Anyway keep us posted. We are going to Sea world next trip as it does look pretty awesome but I will pass on Universal until my kids are big (1&6) and actually want to go. how does your DH feel about all this? Good Luck.

Kay... Are you married to my long lost BIL?? Your post very much sounds like my In-laws! I could not have said it better myself - we have lived very similar situations! To the OP: I feel your pain as I was there almost 2 years ago, in your very same spot, minus the Military Background... Although the way my FIL barks orders, he should have been a drill sargent!

Anywho - My inlaws footed the entire bill, and although we stayed at Fort Wilderness, and would rather have stayed at a resort, but who can pass down a free or almost free trip? It sounds very selfish if you think about it - to say that you want everything one way, your way, rather than another. We were sure to speak our minds in a dilopmatic and respectful way, we did all that the kids wanted to do and were sure to also appreciate the situation. There was also a great Father-Son bonding moment when the "boys" spent the day on the golf course. That was irreplacable! Us gals went to the pool and caught the kids up on naps.

Shouldn't everyone experience Disney with their children or childrens children at least once? If it all goes badly, you will know not to do it again and are only out little money of your own. If it all goes smoothly, think of the memories your children will have. We are not on this earth for a long time, its important to make the best of the time we, or others, have left. As we cannot get them back!

My feeling on family situations is this: Its only a big deal if you make it a big deal... Let it roll off your back and the kids come first. Let them decide, not your/our egos or pride...

 

[bscs]

We went to WDW with my DFIL 5 years ago. It was my 1st time. I didnt think I'd like it since we are also not that close. Well It was a GReat trip and we are now closer. And it turned me into disney freak and we have since been back twice on our own. We stayed off site in a rented home with him and it was Wonderful. I wasn't happy when I realized he was bringing his new girlfriend and my DMIL had only passed away a few months earlier but it was great when my DH and I wanted to go out at night and they were willing to stay at the house with the kids (2 & 8 at the time) Take advantage of this time together life is very short. Let yourself experience new things. Relax.and ENjoy.