Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[tinkerbellandeyor]

If I was the parent it would not be wanting to take away the adult child freedom but to ook out for his or her safety there for I would not put pressure on the child to be home by a certain time just give me an estimate and if the child can't make it home by the estimate time I would expect her to call

 

[kimmyann]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[mamacatnv]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

I don't think we ever get over worrying about it, but like all the other worries that came along ie driving, significant others, first time home alone etc. we learned to cope with the worry.

It's weird, my DS went off to a dorm his freshman year, and there is something about out of sight out of mind. When he is under my roof, I worry more than when he is at school, even now when he comes home to decompress for a few days I am more aware of his presence.
I know he stays out till all hours at night, I know he plays football at midnight, I know now that he is 21 he could be out drinking, clubbing etc. but when is is living at school I am somewhat blissfully unaware of his comings and goings. He lives 8 miles from our house, but he is not in my house.

 

[ilovejack02]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

You don't ever stop worrying . : ) I worried about DS21 and slept lightly till I heard his key in the front door, but I couldn't keep him home. He moved out early and I slept much better lol. Always worry about him , but the nights of one ear listening for him is over.

One of the reasons he moved out... or we HIGHLY suggested he move out was that he just wouldn't tell us what his plans were or if he was coming home. That along with a few other issues, made it better that he have his own place. I miss him , but not the young adult issues that come along with him. We have a much better relationship now that he is on his own.

Oh and the white noise thing, GREAT idea, I learned to sleep with ceiling fan on high because even when he was quiet, I heard the bathroom door open , toilet flush etc.

 

[krcit]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

I can't imagine that you ever really stop worrying. My dd is only 15 and I'm already pre-worrying for when she starts to drive Anyway, I lived at home until I got married and I always let my mom know if I wouldn;t be home or if I was going to be really late. Bars here close at 4 am, so many times I would call her at 4 to let her know I was going out to the diner and would be home around 6. Those were the days!!

 

[luvsJack]

No you don't stop worrying.

DS and I had an agreement on that one too. He had to check in at some point just to let me know he was out and about and going to be out late. After that he would text me at least once, just to say "all is well". That way I knew he was ok. No one knew he was "checking in" and I was able to stay sane through the night.

He forgot sometimes, but usually this worked.

 

[rigs32]

One more thing that I don't believe was mentioned....

If you require your DD to be home earlier, then that's more time she will be awake and in the home while you are sleeping and more chance that her normal noises could wake you up. I can't imagine that you expect her to be in bed at 10 as well.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I think that you need to look at this in the completely other direction. She needs to have all meals completed by 9:30 if she is going to eat at home and then if she wants to go out she needs to leave by 10 and not come home until 5:15am!

Seriously I am thinking that these would be great rules for my teen when we get there so I can encourage her to move out. I have to agree with everyone else-- this is about respect. When I was home over the summer after my first year of college I came in at a reasonable time because I knew it was the right thing to do. The next year I found friends to stay with if I wanted to be out late and after that had my own apartment and haven't lived at home since.

 

[luvmy3]

Well,'now that you mention it...no it is not.

Its always such a shame to read responses like this. I know my name may be on the mortgage, and my money may be paying for my house, but it will always be my kid's house too. I would never have the attitude that any part of it isn't theirs YMMV.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Its always such a shame to read responses like this. I know my name may be on the mortgage, and my money may be paying for my house, but it will always be my kid's house too. I would never have the attitude that any part of it isn't theirs YMMV.

No need to feel sad.

You are reading much more into my words than intended.

If you reflect upon the topic, I could misuse your words to say that you must let yor children decide what they will or will not do to their property since they share it to.

But I'm certain that you have no intentions of letting your children dictate how they will treat their home that you worked so hard to provide.

 

[stitchlovestink]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

agreed!

This is what I was thinking too.

I would add that I would maybe expect her to give me a heads up when she's planning to be gone overnight or get back super late, but I don't think it's right to impose a curfew on an 18 year old college student.

It's time to start treating her like an adult, and it's time to start expecting her to act like an adult in terms of being considerate when she comes in late.

but ADULTS pay their own way in this world...or at least they are supposed to. 18 y.o. don't always make the best decisions. I am not talking the legalities here, but just because one day (their 18th Bday) they are now suddenly an adult? Here in MD even adults have 'graduated' rules regarding a driver's license. The don't just cut you 'loose' with a license just because you are 18, 21, 25 or even 45.... It's a progression of 'privileges' for 'good' choices (as in no moving violations for 18 mo)... Just proves there are ALWAYS rules, and not a free for all.

And we all agree with your one rule! not to wake everyone up in the middle of the night. Period end of story. Do you really think she has a curfew at school? that anyone checks what time she gets in? If she is able to do that there why should she need one at home?

because she is not paying her own way...their house, their rules...don't like it, move and pay your own way and you don't have to follow my rules.

I think differently, a little. While my son doesn't have a curfew because he has always been considerate and lets me know where he is and when he will be home. That having been said, it's your home and you make the rules. If those are your rules then so be it. She has options if she doesn't like it. When I was in the NYPD, one night, I had made an arrest and was going to be in Brooklyn Central Booking until the morning. I called my parents and let them know I was going to be late. It really is about courtesy. I would imagine the more responsible she acts the more lax the rules will become.

agreed! but I still agree with the previous poster who stated that there's not much good a 18 yo can be up to during the middle of the night. Where we live, unless they are at someone's house or Waffle house, there really isn't any place for them to be on a weeknight. I'm not saying that an ocassional late night isn't okay, but on a regular basis, I'd be wondering what they were up to if they weren't at someone's house. but that's just my .02.

 

[luvmy3]

No need to feel sad.

You are reading much more into my words than intended.

If you reflect upon the topic, I could misuse your words to say that you must let yor children decide what they will or will not do to their property since they share it to.

But I'm certain that you have no intentions of letting your children dictate how they will treat their home that you worked so hard to provide.

I know what you meant in your first post when you said that if you were making a racket in someone elses kitchen that you wouldn't be there for very long. I was just pointing out that the dd is making a racket in her own kitchen, and you proceeded to disagree that it is hers. I'm not really reading anything other than what you said.

As far as my kids dictating how they will treat our home, of course that would never happen. I don't even let dh do that

 

[Hannathy]

You don't stop worrying a little BUT you have to trust you did a good job raising them and hopefully you gave them independence along the way so they learned how to make good decisions.

Case in point, My DD goes to school in a city and the kids all use the buses to get around. Well shew as telling me about going to a midnight movie at a theater downtown kinda of a cult following type movie with some friends. well I guess the guys in the group had planned this adventure. They didn't get out of the show till around 3 well as she put it "the stupid boys didn't take into consideration that city buses Do stop running at a certain time" and they were there with no bus back to school. I asked what did you do and she said I called for a van cab to take us all back. And all the while this was taking place I was nice and warm and asleep 250 miles away, just like I will be when she is home and out.

So give them the skills they need and then be confident you did your best and then you have to let them fly!

 

[cm8]

You know what, my house my rules. One major rule is/was (I have a DD22 so I've been thru this) during school times home by 10, unless you're working then home 30 minutes after your shift is over. On the weekends we don't have a curfew but during the week we sure do! I had no issues with DD being home at 11:30 if she was working until 11 but she also had enough respect not to bang around in the house waking us all up. We have what we call "quiet hours". LOL Similar to when you're camping and the campground has a rule of no noise between 11 & 8 am, well our times are 11 & 10 am. During the week we are all up before 10 am and on the weekends we are up later then 11 but you get the general idea. Your DD needs to understand that you get up early, and the noise she makes is disruptive, if she wants to stay out then she needs to respect others who live in the house and be quiet when she gets home.

That's my opinion anyway.

 

[mumom95]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

My kids are only 9 and 11 and I'm already worried about when they stay out all night when they get older. I remember the stuff I did in college and I was a good kid I guess that is when faith in your kid and how you raised them has to kick in.

I do think a curfew, especially that early, is being unreasonable. And I also think saying after one time that cooking late at night is banned is being unreasonable. Maybe she had no idea how loud she was being. I'd explain to her that the house is small, you are a light sleeper and if she continues to do things late at night that wake the rest of the household you will have to ask her to stop. But give her a chance to do it better next time.

I know it is your house, but really, it's her home too. You've got 3 adults living there now, it's something you all need to figure out together.

 

[RainbowBrite]

Very unreasonable if you ask me. Your daughter is 18, in college and working. You should stop treating her like she's 10 and imo I think it's mean to tell your daughter to make sure she eats before she comes home

 

[englishteacha]

I went away to college and when I came home for the summer, after my first year away, I stayed out late-ish one night. (I said I'd be home by 11, but the movie we were watching ran long. I called at 10, spoke to my mom, and she said to finish the movie and come right home after-I got home around 11:30) Heck, I worked till 11 most nights anyway, and didn't get home till 11:15 or 11:30. My father imposed a 10 PM curfew on me the next day, for any days I wasn't working. I never lived at home again after that summer. I was 19 years old, had a 3.8 GPA in college, and a good summer job. I had never given them any reason NOT to trust me. I didn't make noise coming home, and it was ONCE that I came home late, even after calling. I thought it was completely unreasonable and only came home to visit after that summer. I never lived there again.

So, OP, I think that you are being unreasonable. My situation is slightly different from yours, but look at it from my perspective: I chose to live year round in a dorm room, eating Chef Boyardee during the summer because the cafeteria was closed, and working for minimum wage on campus than live in a house where I had a 10 PM curfew.

 

[Nancyg56]

Okay, I'm back again. To clarify, I in no way said that ANYONE called me a shrew, I called myself one. And yes, I was kinda hoping for the majority to agree with me (who doesn't want to be right ), and it is nice to get opinions from those who have been through this, even if I don't like the opinions, it still is giving me a different view of the situation. This is my first adult child so I am new to this and yes, I still want to know what she is doing. She goes to a community college until she transfers to the university here, so no dorm for her, she is here until she wants to leave. We have a very close relationship so I am trying to keep it that way, but then again I am trying to keep my sanity. I also would love to know how you get past worrying when your adult child stays out til whenever. Geez, everything was so much easier when they were little kids.

Thanks for the feedback.

You do not stop worrying. You find a way to be reasonable. My children are all out of the house and they will make a point of calling me when they arrive at their destination if there is a storm. I always made sure that they knew that I ould worry if they were not home when I expected them and they respected me enough to make a call, they still do. Conversely, I do the same with them, just as i used to do when I left my Mom's home in a storm,. i called her when I got home.

It is always easier when your kids are young enough that you have control over them and their safety. It is your job to give them the tools to be responsible adults and if you try to pull them in instead of showing them how to fly you you will end up worrying more than a noisy DD. In your attempt to keep her under your wing you may drive her from under your roof.

 

[Witch Mountain]

Mine are young teens, so this issue hasn't come up yet. That said, I keep telling them they're going to live in the dorms, even if they go to one of tle local colleges, because I want them to learn how to do all the things Mom and Dad currently take care of for them.

In HS, I had an 11pm weeknight, 1am weekend curfew unless we arranged it ahead of time that I would be allowed to stay out later. Once graduated, no curfew. Heck, there was one time that I went out on a date and forgot my house keys and my date kindly stayed until 6am in his car in front of the house until my younger sister got up and answered the front door.

We had courtesy rules: you leave a note where you're going, who you're with and when you expect to be back (or if you don't); if everyone else is asleep, you were quiet (but we were all night owls, so that wasn't too much of an issue) and you don't bring friends in at a time that people would be sleeping.

I am sure that you can work out something that is mutually acceptable. Your daughter is an adult, I'd encourage both of you to consider her living on campus to learn responsibilities, but the courtesy of housemates needs to happen now.

Good luck.

 

[Nagle]

9:30 pm for an 18 year old college student is completely unreasonable.