Opinions needed.... Is this tacky or OK???

[SeaSpray]

As I mentioned in another thread, I am planning a surprise for DH's 40th in June.

So far, I am planning to "kidnap" him on a Friday morning, drive us to Boston, check into a luxury hotel (Probably the Boston Harbor Hotel), take him to a few sights in the city, lunch somewhere nice, then out to dinner that night aboard the Spirit of Boston, its a dinner-cruise with dancing and live entertainment.

A little while ago I mentioned this to a friend of ours, and I told her of my plans. She said I should invite some friends and family to meet up with us for the dinner cruise, as an even bigger surprise. I think this is an awesome idea, except for one catch. I cannot pay approximately $120 per couple for other people to join us. As it is, I'll be paying over $300 for the room alone, plus $120 for us for the dinner cruise, not including alcohol or tip, PLUS the sightseeing we do during the day, lunch, not to mention valet parking, breakfast the next morning, etc.

So....she suggested that I tell people that if they would like to join us, as a surprise for DH, they could join us, but pay their own way. She said she and her DH would definitely join us and not mind paying their own way.

Is this tacky? Can you invite people somewhere and not pay for them? If I did decide to do this, I would absolutely let them know that NO GIFT was expected, the gift would be their presence.

Please, I'd like to hear opinions on this before I send out an email to friends and family. How would you feel if someone close to you was planning this for her DH, and asked you if you wanted to join, but had to pay for yourselves??

By the way, I'd only invite maybe 10-12 people total, just a small group, not a huge party. Out of those 10-12 people, I bet maybe half would actually come, due to one reason or another.

P.S. If you think this idea is OK, how would you word it in an email??

 

[imgoingtodisney]

word it as getting their opinion
not as an invitation

 

[Beauty]

Knowing my friends, personally I would do it. I know my friends and their financial situation and they know ours. They would totally understand that I couldn't afford to pay and they would go if they could or turn me down if they couldn't and it would be totally fine either way.

I think it all depends on who you are inviting. If its only going to be 10 or so people then I would simply call each one of them and explain the situation. Tell they that you completly understand if they can't make it or afford it but you wanted to give them the opportunity to say yes or no.

I think it sounds wonderful! Good luck and have fun!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Hmmm.. these are my thoughts... if you have close friends that would like to share in your surprise celebration for your husband at their own expense... I say why not...but I would make it perfectly clear how expensive it is up front so there is no confusion.. I do not think it is tacky..

 

[Serena]

Personally, I'd stick with the original plans. But, if you could figure out a way to word it, it might work.

 

[Lynn CC]

I would suggest it to them, if they don't want to pay they can just say no. You may end up with quite a fun party cruise!
I'd say ask it's worth a try.
You could mention (if you want to) having a cake back at the hotel room after the cruise and invite them all back afterwards. You could also say no gifts please, his surprise will be their presence.
That's probably what I would say, if I wasn't going to pay for everyone.

Have Fun!

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I'm a little iffy on this one. I'd get your friend to suggest this to your other friends, that way it's not coming directly from you.

Honestly, if a close friend was planning something like that, I'd be happy to pay my own way to be a part of it, but others may have a different view.

 

[luv2nascar]

invite them to join you and include the dinner menu and price should they wish to join you
also including that your presense is present enough for DH

 

[EROS]

TACKY . I wouldn't ask anyone to a birthday party of any kind and ask them for payment. It's like charging guests at a wedding for the cost of renting the band and function hall. I'd stick with your original plan ..........

 

[CRB#33]

Oh my goodness, I agree with EROS.

Seriously, if you are inviting people to a party, you cannot bring up their paying their own way.

However, an outside member of your family or this friend could arrange it as a suprise to your DH without you having anything to do with it. That really is what Miss Manners would tell you .

If this kind of thing doesn't matter to you (and it sounds like it does), I would try and come up with another way. It would be great fun!

 

[TigH]

I don't know how you'd word it to them, but I know that if it was a good friend of mine, I would be up for paying my own way! I hope your friends decide to join you (if that's what you really want!)

 

[EROS]

Originally posted by CRB#33
Oh my goodness, I agree with EROS.

CRB, there's hope for you yet .

SeaSpray, you mentioned that you'd only invite 10-12 people. If you went ahead and invited them, and 10 chose to come, your expense would be an additional $600........certainly a lot of money. However, I've seen many parties for 30,40,and 50 year birthdays that ran much more. If you were able to charge the amount or borrow it from family,etc., it might be worth considering.

Good Luck and have a GREAT time,

 

[RitaZ.]

I don't think this is tacky... You are going to a public place, you haven't reserved the place entirely for yourself or your DH. If you had reserved a restaurant/hall or booked a band for a private party, then it would be rude to ask your friends to pay.

I would do this with close friends and I wouldn't be insulted or think it's tacky, if I was asked to a similar celebration. I would let them know about the cost ahead of time. Hey, you already have a friend that said she and her husband would like to join the two of you!

Sounds like a great surprise, have a great time!

 

[Boo'sMom]

I don't think it is tacky....I think it's honest...
and I certainly wouldn't overextend yourself in the name of "manners"

 

[MerryPoppins]

If you plan to do this I wouldn't word it as an invitation at all. Just let them know of your plans, tell them the cost and let them know that someone suggested that it might be fun to surprise your DH and they are welcome to book the cruise if it fits with their plans. That way it is totally in their court.

Might just work out that several friends could come and that would be fun. Of course it will be fun with just the two of you as well. Go with your heart.

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by MerryPoppins
If you plan to do this I wouldn't word it as an invitation at all. Just let them know of your plans, tell them the cost and let them know that someone suggested that it might be fun to surprise your DH and they are welcome to book the cruise if it fits with their plans. That way it is totally in their court.

That certainly works . And that's the key, it shouldn't be worded as an invitation.

 

[EROS]

Obviously, I'm of a minority opinion around here. Would all of you rent a restaurant function room for a birthday party and ask that the guests contribute the $60/head charged???????? I don't think so, but perhaps I'm out of the loop. The Cruise is $60/head as well. Just because it's a public setting doesn't negate that you're asking "guests" to cover their expenses..............

 

[Serena]

Eros I agree with you, but it's up to her to decide.

 

[ByTheSea]

I think it all depends on your friends/family maybe it's a regional or cultural thing?

I know with my friends, a group of people I have known since college, we get together as a group once a year or so, or for some special occassion. Have done a few "surprise" birthdays in the group. We always split the cost, there is no question. If it's hosted at someone's home, we all bring food or beverages. If it's "out" we all pay our own way. It's just the way it always is, always has been.

With my family, we have a cousin reunion every spring. One night at a hotel/resort someplace in the State we almost all live in. Again, everyone just pays their own way, and we all chip in to cover a party room, all bring food, etc.

No one would find it "tacky" in the least.

On the other hand, the Friends on my DH's side, his pal's from school, etc. would never expect to bring anything, or have anyone bring anything to a dinner they host, nor would they ever ask or expect to be asked to chip in for a party of any sort. It's a different group of people with different expectations, etc.

If it was me, and you think you have friends who would like to join you (and you would like other people to join you,) I would extend the offer, not exactly an invitation, just be honest. You could say you were planning this for you and your DH, and "so and so" had this idea to join you for a surprise. Acknowledge that it's a bit expensive and so you don't feel comfortable "inviting" people, don't want anyone to feel obligated to attend, but do want them to know they are certainly welcome to join you... something like that.

 

[tigercat]

I had a 50th surprise birthday party for my dh but I paid for everything. I had 50 people come though. I did a lot of the work by myself all though several of my friends helped me. I however, do not feel that it is bad to inform your friends as has been said. It is up to them to either come or not. It would not bother me if a friend said it to me. It would be in my court if I went or not.
tigercat