Only open if you're a Democrat

[Chicago526]

...because turn about is fair play!



YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...



You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"


You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb them back to the stone age"

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Okay... when I hear "Marx" I totally think "Brothers." Great books education be damned, I want my comedy.

 

[Planogirl]

Okay... when I hear "Marx" I totally think "Brothers." Great books education be damned, I want my comedy.

Me too! I don't think that one fits. I love the rest though.

 

[bsc22]

pretty funny stuff!

 

[Jenvenza]

The one about The Simpsons made me spit out my root beer.

 

[Laz]

I just don't like your thread title. I consider myself an independent conservative and I think this is very funny!

 

[moon]

 

[Chicago526]

I just don't like your thread title. I consider myself an independent conservative and I think this is very funny!

It's in response to a thread names "Only open if you're a Republican", I think it got pushed down off the 1st page.

By all means, everyone is welcome.

 

[rabx5]

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

Um....this Dem swore she bought proletariat cheese at the Shop n Save the other day
It has a sweet nutty taste

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

 

[bearynice]

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

I can't even begin to imagine how to pronounce that.

 

[lisadr]

Thanks for the laugh!!

Do you mind if I add something to your thread? I don;t want to be a highjacker!

 

[dcentity2000]

Rich::

 

[Axel]

HA!

Oh, that was good.

Also, the thing about a bear attack? Made me think of Stephen Colbert.

 

[disneyjunkie]

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

 

[djm99]

1. If you believe the government should stay out of the church’s business, then believe in faith based initiatives, you might be a Republican.
2. If you believe Saddam Hussein needs to be bombed, but that Mubarak and Musharif need American aid, and China needs most favored nation trading status, you might be a Republican.
3. If you believe that the government is violating our rights, then support the Patriot Act, you might be a Republican.
4. If you believe that deficits are bad, but pass tax cuts without corresponding program reductions, you might be a Republican.
5. If you believe that we are fighting this war to defend American values, then want to hang all the war protesters, you might be a Republican.
6. If you believe in the right to keep and bear arms, but want to destroy Iraq and North Korea for the weapons that they possess, you might be a Republican.
7. If you think mentioning Buddha or Mohammed in schools violates the separation of church and state, but want the kids to keep pledging allegiance to a nation “under God”, you might be a Republican.
8. If you do not believe in a “vast, right wing conspiracy,” but DO believe in a “vast left wing conspiracy”, you might be a Republican.
9. If you believe that television news is biased and left wing, but believe that Rush Limbaugh and Micheal Savage are fair and balanced, you might be a Republican.
10. If you believe Donald Rumsfeld is sane, you might be a Republican.
11. If you believe that Clinton was immoral because of his affair with the office staff, but believe Eisenhower was a great man despite his affair with his secretary, you might be a Republican.
12. If you STILL think it is all Clinton’s fault, you might be a Republican.
13. If you believe Texans riding around in armed pickup trucks are just expressing their freedoms, but Afghans riding around in armed pickup trucks are a grave threat to America’s freedom, you might be a Republican. AND a redneck.
14. If you believe anything coming out of Paul Wolfowitz’s mouth, you are seriously deluded, plus maybe a republican.
15. If you believe that Bush prefers war to diplomacy because it is easier to spell, you are almost as cynical as me.
16. If you believe that anyone who can see through the steaming fetid pile of bovine excrement that passes for GOP rhetoric is a liberal, you might be a Republican.
17. If you believe it is worth destroying a 225 year old alliance with France just to smash a petty two-bit tyrant, you might be a republican.

http://planettroy.tripod.com/rep.html

 

[lisadr]

Hope you don't mind my addition

The Ten Commandments--Republican Style

I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them

II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies

III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty

IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school children

V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil liberties

VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest above those of your corporate contributors

VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children and babies behind

VIII Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and demonize them**

IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as soon as possible

X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda

 

[Chicago526]

Thanks for the laugh!!

Do you mind if I add something to your thread? I don;t want to be a highjacker!

Go for it!

 

[lisadr]

Go for it!

Just jumped the gun a bit But I hope you enjoy-it's the post above yours

 

[djm99]

• if you think corporate interests are national interests.
• you think Universal Health Care is bad but Corporate Welfare is
• good
• you finally have a news channel you can trust in Fox.
• You believe that bombing Iraq has anything to do with September 11.
• you have bumper stickers that read "nuke his a**" next to "I support life."
• you believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.
• you think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.
• you are encouraged by Bush's C+ average scholastic history. "Gee, even you could rule the free world."
• you believe Jesse Jackson is the anti-Christ and Jerry Falwell should be referred to "his popeness."
• you think "Dueling Banjos" should be the prelude for every press conference.
• you believe the Iraqi elections will be fair just like ours.
• you are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.
• you think the Republican Party likes you for more than your money.
• ...You're pro-life, pro-death penalty, and pro-war, as long as it
• doesn't effect you personally.