Only children comparing themselves to adults

[PollyannaMom]

If you have experience with only children (have one, are one, teach one...) how do you convince them not to constantly compare themselves to adults?

Lately it's art. DS will ask me to show him how to draw something, then be upset that his isn't instantly as good as mine. It try to tell him he's actually very good for his age, and I've simply had 30 years more practice, but it's not really sinking in.

 

[Christine]

I'm an only child. This is not an only child thing. He is obviously around other kids when he goes to school? So he sees what is appropriate for his age group?

He's probably a bit of a perfectionist and get frustrated when he can't do something well right away. It really isn't an only child trait.

 

[Skywalker]

Nothing to do with being an only child. One of my sons is exactly the same way!

 

[claudia]

I'm an only child. This is not an only child thing. He is obviously around other kids when he goes to school? So he sees what is appropriate for his age group?

He's probably a bit of a perfectionist and get frustrated when he can't do something well right away. It really isn't an only child trait.

Nothing to do with being an only child. One of my sons is exactly the same way!

Have one son the same way....this is a personality trait....nothing to do with being an only...

 

[MerMom60_94]

My daughter is an only child and I have not run into this. There are lots of things I can attribute to her being an only (i.e. thinking she is the third adult in the house, being comfortable around adults, etc) this isn't one of those things. I agree with the others that this may just be your son's personality.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree--this is not an "only" thing.

IT simply is a person disappointed that their skills aren't as good as they thought they should have been.

I have 3 children, ages 9, 7, and 2 and they all do it.

Look at it this way--he is very much learning to compare and contrast...comparing his skills to others and contrasting that his skills aren't very good.

"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"

"Practice, Practice, Practice"

 

[NHdisneylover]

It is perfectionism thing and it is VERY hard to work with (DD is just like this).

We talk a lot about everyone having different strengths and weaknesses and about practicing etc. it helps some, but she is still far too hard on herself.

 

[wildernesslodgelover]

My daughter is an only child and I have not run into this. There are lots of things I can attribute to her being an only (i.e. thinking she is the third adult in the house, being comfortable around adults, etc) this isn't one of those things. I agree with the others that this may just be your son's personality.

This is exactly what I was going to type. I *do* have a slight issue with my 11 year old DD thinking she is a thrid adult, and more part of our (hubby and I) relationship, rather than a product of it.

OP, I am like you, I think I see some issues as "only child" issues when really, they are just personality issues.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Are you guys artists and he is trying out his skills or is he wanting to learn how to draw better?

If that is the case you can get books on how to draw. My dd is no artist but can draw, if that makes sense. Her thing is animals (dogs & wolves esp) so she has done research in that area and has a pad on the computer & her sketch pad. She is 13 now but she started drawing in preschool. It is something she enjoys.

If he is asking you to do something and then instantly beating himself up then that is something else. Instead of convincing him he will get better, turn the tables on him and ask him why you think you draw better than he does. Make him figure it out instead of you convincing him.

That is more effective and you may learn other things that are bugging him.

And yes dd is a perfectionist.

 

[sunnyday123]

This is exactly what I was going to type. I *do* have a slight issue with my 11 year old DD thinking she is a thrid adult, and more part of our (hubby and I) relationship, rather than a product of it.

OP, I am like you, I think I see some issues as "only child" issues when really, they are just personality issues.

DD is like this and sometime I have to reel her in. She is very mature for her age, which I think does come from being an only child, but you just have to work extra hard to make them remember they are the child. However, she does know how far to push, and when to stop. She loves being an only child and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[MickeyShow]

I was exactly like this and I have 3 older sisters! In my case I would get upset that something I drew wasn't as good as my older sisters' drawing. I think its more of a personality trait than an only child thing.

 

[luvmy3]

2 of my kids do this, its not just an only child thing.

 

[LuvOrlando]

They say he best way to reach a child is to get to his or her level. Maybe it would be easier for him if you mess up once or twice before doing it perfectly. This would show him you are not perfect which would allow him to give himself permission to not be perfect either KWIM.

The drive to be perfect or THE BEST is very over-rated IMO. No-one can do it and all it does is foster arrogance which no-one likes and that causes isolation, again not a plus. Not something I encourage around here.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They say he best way to reach a child is to get to his or her level. Maybe it would be easier for him if you mess up once or twice before doing it perfectly. This would show him you are not perfect which would allow him to give himself permission to not be perfect either KWIM.

The drive to be perfect or THE BEST is very over-rated IMO. No-one can do it and all it does is foster arrogance which no-one likes and that causes isolation, again not a plus. Not something I encourage around here.

That is all well and good but you can't "make" someone not be a perfectionist.

To put it down to bare bones it is an anxiety issue. My 13yodd is in counseling learning how to deal with her "perfectionism".

I am not a perfectionist so trying to tell her & do the things you said just does not work.

The counselor has been very helpful.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I'm an only child. This is not an only child thing. He is obviously around other kids when he goes to school? So he sees what is appropriate for his age group?

He's probably a bit of a perfectionist and get frustrated when he can't do something well right away. It really isn't an only child trait.

Have to agree.....

 

[LuvOrlando]

That is all well and good but you can't "make" someone not be a perfectionist.

To put it down to bare bones it is an anxiety issue. My 13yodd is in counseling learning how to deal with her "perfectionism".

I am not a perfectionist so trying to tell her & do the things you said just does not work.

The counselor has been very helpful.

While I agree you can't MAKE someone be anything at all I do believe Nature + Nurture contribute to a final product. Nature is what it is, but parenting style has a great deal to do with which qualities are encouraged to flourish and which are squelched.

Of course, if a parent doesn't see these qualities as a problem in him or herself they won't recognize them in the kids either so the trait will probably be groomed instead of suppressed. This comes from a former Type A who had eating disorders ect., there was a time I wouldn't have seen it either but that's gone now. IMO most people see perfectionism as a fantastic quality and only see the side effects as bothersome so they try to keep the need for perfection but remove the self loathing, ulcers and loneliness. Personally, I don't think the states of being can be separated. Contentment is better than perfect so that's what I'm aiming at in my kids. Maybe I can do it because I know exactly what's going on with the whole Type A thing and I reject it. Being Type A is about control and feeling that perfection gets you control. Once you realize perfect doesn't get you anything it's easy to let go... but that lesson is a pretty hard one to learn. The best thing to do is teach a kid mistakes have no huge consequence and that control can come from other things. Of course, as always, that's just the way I see it and I could be completely wrong.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

While I agree you can't MAKE someone be anything at all I do believe Nature + Nurture contribute to a final product. Nature is what it is, but parenting style has a great deal to do with which qualities are encouraged to flourish and which are squelched.

Of course, if a parent doesn't see these qualities as a problem in him or herself they won't recognize them in the kids either so the trait will probably be groomed instead of suppressed. This comes from a former Type A who had eating disorders ect., there was a time I wouldn't have seen it either but that's gone now. IMO most people see perfectionism as a fantastic quality and only see the side effects as bothersome so they try to keep the need for perfection but remove the self loathing, ulcers and loneliness. Personally, I don't think the states of being can be separated. Contentment is better than perfect so that's what I'm aiming at in my kids. Maybe I can do it because I know exactly what's going on with the whole Type A thing and I reject it. Being Type A is about control and feeling that perfection gets you control. Once you realize perfect doesn't get you anything it's easy to let go... but that lesson is a pretty hard one to learn. The best thing to do is teach a kid mistakes have no huge consequence and that control can come from other things. Of course, as always, that's just the way I see it and I could be completely wrong.

I agree that the nuturing is certainly key with not aggravating the anxiety, absolutely. We did do that at every corner and it does help.

The problem with your view of perfectionism is that it is not a "one size fits all" thing. The solution for your anxiety will not work on everyone.

My dd's perfectionism is more of a overwhelming anxiety that rolls into a break down with an inability to cope which leads to depression and then then self loathing.

So my dd is using organization and time management to learn how to cope with her perfectionism. It is really the key for her and working very well.

She already knows everything about the psychology of it all however as she says now, there is a difference between knowing the path and walking it.

Right now she is trying to walk the path. It is a struggle on some days but learning how to cope is key for her.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I agree that the nuturing is certainly key with not aggravating the anxiety, absolutely. We did do that at every corner and it does help.

The problem with your view of perfectionism is that it is not a "one size fits all" thing. The solution for your anxiety will not work on everyone.

My dd's perfectionism is more of a overwhelming anxiety that rolls into a break down with an inability to cope which leads to depression and then then self loathing.

So my dd is using organization and time management to learn how to cope with her perfectionism. It is really the key for her and working very well.

She already knows everything about the psychology of it all however as she says now, there is a difference between knowing the path and walking it.

Right now she is trying to walk the path. It is a struggle on some days but learning how to cope is key for her.

Hugs for both of you. The thing of it is you sort of have to hit bottom before you realize it's not the key to happiness. When kids are young it's easier to set their sights elsewhere but once a person settles in to this way of thinking it is extremely difficult to re-set. Your DD is still young though and its still early enough for her to learn alternative ways to feel powerful. It's the desperation for power and control which drives the whole behavior, if you remove the association between perfect and control the whole philosophy falls to pieces. I sort of bottomed out in my early 20's when lots of things I thought were 'the key' blew up. I was devastated, a puddle and a mess, but it was the best thing for me. I realized being a size 2 and pretty with perfect hair and makeup didn't keep my boyfriend from cheating, being a straight A student didn't guarantee me a better job, going to parties didn't make me feel less isolated, being the smartest person in the room didn't make me likable and being a perfect daughter didn't give me perfect parents ... some stuff just had nothing to do with me at all and some stuff needed work. Letting go was huge and hard but I am grateful for it. Some people never learn this stuff and are doomed to a life of discontent. Now I'm all and find great pleasure in the little things like a good joke, knowing someone loves me in this world, a hug and a show of squirrels and rabbits romping in my yard.

Also, two thumbs wayyy up for the therapy and for getting her help early.

 

[PeterPan09]

A good friend of mine has been teaching piano for over 20 years and this is a persistent issue with her students. The first thing she has to teach them is how to get over making mistakes. Once the kids get past the point where they're no longer progessing rapidly, they get frustrated and want to quit. There's a point in learning most skills where the going gets slower,you have to work harder and you make more mistakes. Getting over that hump is the key to success in anything.

She talked to one student about beating a video game and how many times he "died" before he got to the end. Kids who will spend hours getting clobbered in a video game don't seem to be able to translate that into other things. Once this student got that his piano lessons were made up of levels like his video game, and as you got to the higher levels the "battles" got tougher, he was able to stick with it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hugs for both of you. The thing of it is you sort of have to hit bottom before you realize it's not the key to happiness. When kids are young it's easier to set their sights elsewhere but once a person settles in to this way of thinking it is extremely difficult to re-set. Your DD is still young though and its still early enough for her to learn alternative ways to feel powerful. It's the desperation for power and control which drives the whole behavior, if you remove the association between perfect and control the whole philosophy falls to pieces. I sort of bottomed out in my early 20's when lots of things I thought were 'the key' blew up. I was devastated, a puddle and a mess, but it was the best thing for me. I realized being a size 2 and pretty with perfect hair and makeup didn't keep my boyfriend from cheating, being a straight A student didn't guarantee me a better job, going to parties didn't make me feel less isolated, being the smartest person in the room didn't make me likable and being a perfect daughter didn't give me perfect parents ... some stuff just had nothing to do with me at all and some stuff needed work. Letting go was huge and hard but I am grateful for it. Some people never learn this stuff and are doomed to a life of discontent. Now I'm all and find great pleasure in the little things like a good joke, knowing someone loves me in this world, a hug and a show of squirrels and rabbits romping in my yard.

Also, two thumbs wayyy up for the therapy and for getting her help early.

Agree. She did hit "bottom" in 6th grade. We moved back to MO from TX, new school, middle school, etc...

We got her on some meds and then started counseling this yr for 7th grade.

So she is bringing together her anxiety and her perfectionism together to achieve her goals.

As a parent you walk a fine line of supporting your kids and not squelching their stuff. Which is basically what the OP's deal is here.

Sorry OP for the hijack, do you recognize any of the stuff we had said here?