Online Dating

[Rick195275]

I agree, it still hurts to feel "rejected" once again but I'd rather it be now then when too many feelings got involved.

Thanks. I will reevaluate next week on continuing or not. Or if maybe I switch to a different site/app. You are right it isn't easy and it does seem to happen when you least expect it.

I don’t recall, did you say which app you have been using?

 

[disneychrista]

I suppose maybe I shouldn’t be the one giving the advice here though a perpetually single person also Christa! It’s possible you should listen to the others and disregard what I say lol.

Honestly, I think as a single person you are the right person to give dating advice since you have recent experience.

 

[disneychrista]

I don’t recall, did you say which app you have been using?

I am using Match.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Yup been living that life for a year+ now. The first few months in particular were really interesting lol. I get the feeling that’s supposed to be excusing things and really to me it’s likely a loss of interest, wasn’t being genuine from the go or he’s poor at communicating things. Yes it’s possible something in life came up, but again my point has been it takes less than a min. Even if it was a “hey, been a crazy couple days. Exhausted and going to bed, but thinking of you.” So to me that falls under poor communication. I can fully admit poor communication is one of my biggest flaws.... it wouldn’t stop me from sending one of those type of texts if I were genuinely interested. If the person followed up trying to pry into things and I didn’t want to talk about it I might very well shut them out, but the initial effort would be there. Are you in the wait a week or 2 for a text back camp too?
I suppose maybe I shouldn’t be the one giving the advice here though a perpetually single person also Christa! It’s possible you should listen to the others and disregard what I say lol.

I'm not the poster but I just had to add in my experience.

I developed anxiety in the last few months. I was fine during the bulk of the pandemic but it hit me. I can tell you I've had times where I know I should be reaching out, I've messaged my mother several times a day for well over a month but last week I fell mentally. Yes it only takes a minute, but that was a minute I just couldn't handle, one I couldn't have and I haven't gotten back to her yet. Now of course the timing here that it just happened with the author of the thread last week, I'm not saying that's what happened with this guy. But I also think it's excusing what can happen with other people and their lives by just saying 'it only takes a minute if you're really interested'. Maybe both sides are making excuses

And yes I realize messaging my mother is not at all the same as early staging dating haha just giving an example. Things hit in life that no one may be aware of.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Honestly, I think as a single person you are the right person to give dating advice since you have recent experience.

So you're not receptive to people's advice unless they have recent experience? Or did I just read that wrong

 

[disneychrista]

So you're not receptive to people's advice unless they have recent experience?

I did not say that. A comment directed at one poster and their experience/opinion does not discount others and theirs.

But in some ways yes, recent experience DOES make a difference. Dating in the world of cell phones, text messages, dating apps, etc. is seemingly very different than dating 15 years ago. Do you want advice from me about a trip to WDW when I haven't been in 20 years?

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I did not say that. A comment directed at one poster and their experience/opinion does not discount others and theirs.

But in some ways yes, recent experience DOES make a difference. Dating in the world of cell phones, text messages, dating apps, etc. is seemingly very different than dating 15 years ago. Do you want advice from me about a trip to WDW when I haven't been in 20 years?

Sure why wouldn't I? This board wouldn't even exist if people weren't on here who haven't been in a long time but could offer their opinion. Some things change like technology but that doesn't mean people of all walks of life can't bring something to the table. And some things don't change, it seems you expect prompt communication and I would assume that is something that existed before cell phones and text messages and dating apps. I think some of the advice is even more important because of the dating apps and technology but that's just my opinion of course

 

[Rick195275]

I'm not the poster but I just had to add in my experience.

I developed anxiety in the last few months. I was fine during the bulk of the pandemic but it hit me. I can tell you I've had times where I know I should be reaching out, I've messaged my mother several times a day for well over a month but last week I fell mentally. Yes it only takes a minute, but that was a minute I just couldn't handle, one I couldn't have and I haven't gotten back to her yet. Now of course the timing here that it just happened with the author of the thread last week, I'm not saying that's what happened with this guy. But I also think it's excusing what can happen with other people and their lives by just saying 'it only takes a minute if you're really interested'. Maybe both sides are making excuses

And yes I realize messaging my mother is not at all the same as early staging dating haha just giving an example. Things hit in life that no one may be aware of.

Definitely a perspective I didn’t consider and wouldn’t mean to discount. I aim to be as honest and open with dating as possible, again with a situation like that I would like to think I would send the text saying, I’m struggling right now but I’ll get back to you soon. Easier said than done I know but again if I’m genuinely interested I’ll do my absolute best to make the effort, even if that means stepping outside my comfort zone. I don’t have anxiety to a debilitating level though so maybe that’s not even an option? I certainly don’t mean to write off what you’re saying! Just think in a situation where I displayed the level of connection Christa experienced, even early on, I would attempt to reach out even just to say “life is crazier than I can handle at the moment and need to take a step back from dating.” Which again is a real life dating conversation I’ve had a couple times in the last few months, once I believe to be a legit reason on both sides, once I think was just being nice.

 

[disneychrista]

it seems you expect prompt communication

I expect communication, YES. I think you & I disagree on what we consider prompt. To me 2 - 3 days is NOT a prompt reply. I consider that a slow reply.

I honestly gave this guy the benefit of the doubt when he didn't respond on Sunday. But to me if he was interested he would have AT LEAST sent a quick response/message on Monday evening.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

When I asked about his custody schedule his response was "glad you are interested."

I wonder whether this dialogue is, in his mind, a euphemism for something else?

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Definitely a perspective I didn’t consider and wouldn’t mean to discount. I aim to be as honest and open with dating as possible, again with a situation like that I would like to think I would send the text saying, I’m struggling right now but I’ll get back to you soon. Easier said than done I know but again if I’m genuinely interested I’ll do my absolute best to make the effort, even if that means stepping outside my comfort zone. I don’t have anxiety to a debilitating level though so maybe that’s not even an option? I certainly don’t mean to write off what you’re saying! Just think in a situation where I displayed the level of connection Christa experienced, even early on, I would attempt to reach out even just to say “life is crazier than I can handle at the moment and need to take a step back from dating.” Which again is a real life dating conversation I’ve had a couple times in the last few months, once I believe to be a legit reason on both sides, once I think was just being nice.

I think that's an assumption of what someone is comfortable with disclosing and I wouldn't expect someone to do that IF that was a reason especially to someone I just met. That's what I was trying to get at, right now I don't have it in me even though I'm aware I should reach out, you just told me (and you didn't mean it in any sort of way) that I should just fire off a quick 'I'm struggling'. Can you not see how that might come off as negatively and dismissive? I think there's some confusion, it's not that I don't understand how she would/is feeling, I just feel more understanding I suppose.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I expect communication, YES. I think you & I disagree on what we consider prompt. To me 2 - 3 days is NOT a prompt reply. I consider that a slow reply.

I honestly gave this guy the benefit of the doubt when he didn't respond on Sunday. But to me if he was interested he would have AT LEAST sent a quick response/message on Monday evening.

I don't know why you chose to misunderstand what I was saying but you seem to have discounted what I've said. I said you expect prompt communication and that was before cell phones and dating apps and you decided that wasn't what you wanted to hone in on but instead you wanted to make it about how many days equals prompt. Prompt wasn't a bone to pick in my comment. But I wish you the best in the dating world, you don't seem to open to others unless they match your opinion Have fun on your next and any future dates and I wish you the best!

 

[disneychrista]

I don't know why you chose to misunderstand what I was saying but you seem to have discounted what I've said. I said you expect prompt communication and that was before cell phones and dating apps and you decided that wasn't what you wanted to hone in on but instead you wanted to make it about how many days equals prompt. Prompt wasn't a bone to pick in my comment. But I wish you the best in the dating world, you don't seem to open to others unless they match your opinion Have fun on your next and any future dates and I wish you the best!

Actually “prompt” is a bone to pick because it isn’t true. I am not expecting instant or constant communication. Just communication.

The last time I dated before cell phones was when Johnny had to ask Dad if Suzy was home when he called.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Are you in the wait a week or 2 for a text back camp too?

Hmm ya know I think I would be in the "it depends" camp but I might be that way because of past experiences and honestly maybe my age?? I don't mean to put age in there in a bad way but I'll explain in a moment.

My mom has been online/app dating since at least the early 2000s. She's been on many of the sites though last year she told me she just joined Tinder (I use that emoji because of the rep it has lol). There's been two consistent things over the years she's complained about 1) The guys she (and I stress that because it's not always the case with every person) attracts and connects with is less interested in long-term relationships and more interested in...(you get the drift) when she's looking for a life partner 2) Everyone is set in their ways. She was in her 40s when she started online dating with a divorce in her past and 2 kids, she was used to how she was. Well so are the other people. They have pasts, they may or may not have kids or divorces and they were at an age where they they were less interested in moving with the person and more like "listen ain't nobody got time for that you can't handle what I am next please" and it was that way with on both sides (hers and the guys she would connect with). Some of the things she tells me she gets annoyed with the guys I'm kinda left with "huh? That doesn't seem to be a big thing but okay" but everyone has their things ya know.

She did have 1 very serious relationship come out of it (I don't remember where they met could have been POF) but I never liked the guy, always had a bad vibe from him. I was glad when after 6 or 7 years of on/off "we're going to get married just not now" talks it finally ended.

Okay so back to my past experiences and age thing. I'm in my early 30s now but even when I was younger most of the communication was through FB at that time and then text to an extent. Before I met my husband (and yeah I was young when I did meet him) I dated for a while and I guess back then we were more sorta less stringent on things. Millennials have sorta been known to be more picky with partners, waiting longer to get serious and maybe that played a role in that, where we just sorta shrugged off and didn't see as big of an issue because if we were just having fun with the person our perception of behaviors were different. But if I followed the conversation correctly I don't know that the person was meaning always waiting a week or two to get back but seemed to be more responding to the weekend in question. I don't even know that I would have a set time honestly. When I first met my husband neither one of us was looking for anything serious or long-term, we didn't even become officially boyfriend and girlfriend til 7 months later and in that time we just hung out and were free to see other people, we sure hung out a lot but we went into meeting each other (completely coincidental and not on a dating site so maybe that's a bit different than the OP) with zero expectations of an actual serious relationship occurring. There were lulls in talking just natural ebbs and flows but completely admitting here we were young. I still think lulls happen but I understand questioning what that lull means.

But I'll counter with a former coworker of mine who is now in her late 30s and boy she loves to say on FB her issues. She's content with being single for the most part but she'll screenshot some of the conversations on FB when she's actively dating and blast the heck out of the guy and sometimes I'm on the guy's side. Oh she gets a lot of ewww stuff but sometimes it'll be like the guy she's connecting with says "Hello beautiful how are you today" and she's like "uh how about you not call me beautiful you're blocked now". I'm sure there's a lot more to that story so I can't completely say she's in the wrong, maybe the guy just constantly calls attention to her looks IDK but sometimes she takes on the "ain't nobody got time for that" vibe too. She has been previously married though she has no kids and doesn't want kids either.

In terms of past experiences without divulging too too much it's mostly related to me completely misreading the situation and I've found out later on on a few very serious situations that what I interpreted as sudden radio silence was really the person dealing with some really serious situations and that was explained when they got back to me (which varied in length). Still til this day I feel guilty when I consider what I thought was happening in those instances and what really did happen. That includes a dating partner or two, two friends and a relative. I don't mean to say that's at all applicable to the OP's situation just that it has affected me in how I view time going by between responses.

 

[handinpocket]

I wonder whether this dialogue is, in his mind, a euphemism for something else?

THIS. If someone I met on the internet and had *1* date with......was asking about my custody schedule......I'd run the other way.

 

[Scouter]

Hmm ya know I think I would be in the "it depends" camp but I might be that way because of past experiences and honestly maybe my age?? I don't mean to put age in there in a bad way but I'll explain in a moment.

My mom has been online/app dating since at least the early 2000s. She's been on many of the sites though last year she told me she just joined Tinder (I use that emoji because of the rep it has lol). There's been two consistent things over the years she's complained about 1) The guys she (and I stress that because it's not always the case with every person) attracts and connects with is less interested in long-term relationships and more interested in...(you get the drift) when she's looking for a life partner 2) Everyone is set in their ways. She was in her 40s when she started online dating with a divorce in her past and 2 kids, she was used to how she was. Well so are the other people. They have pasts, they may or may not have kids or divorces and they were at an age where they they were less interested in moving with the person and more like "listen ain't nobody got time for that you can't handle what I am next please" and it was that way with on both sides (hers and the guys she would connect with). Some of the things she tells me she gets annoyed with the guys I'm kinda left with "huh? That doesn't seem to be a big thing but okay" but everyone has their things ya know.

She did have 1 very serious relationship come out of it (I don't remember where they met could have been POF) but I never liked the guy, always had a bad vibe from him. I was glad when after 6 or 7 years of on/off "we're going to get married just not now" talks it finally ended.

Okay so back to my past experiences and age thing. I'm in my early 30s now but even when I was younger most of the communication was through FB at that time and then text to an extent. Before I met my husband (and yeah I was young when I did meet him) I dated for a while and I guess back then we were more sorta less stringent on things. Millennials have sorta been known to be more picky with partners, waiting longer to get serious and maybe that played a role in that, where we just sorta shrugged off and didn't see as big of an issue because if we were just having fun with the person our perception of behaviors were different. But if I followed the conversation correctly I don't know that the person was meaning always waiting a week or two to get back but seemed to be more responding to the weekend in question. I don't even know that I would have a set time honestly. When I first met my husband neither one of us was looking for anything serious or long-term, we didn't even become officially boyfriend and girlfriend til 7 months later and in that time we just hung out and were free to see other people, we sure hung out a lot but we went into meeting each other (completely coincidental and not on a dating site so maybe that's a bit different than the OP) with zero expectations of an actual serious relationship occurring. There were lulls in talking just natural ebbs and flows but completely admitting here we were young. I still think lulls happen but I understand questioning what that lull means.

But I'll counter with a former coworker of mine who is now in her late 30s and boy she loves to say on FB her issues. She's content with being single for the most part but she'll screenshot some of the conversations on FB when she's actively dating and blast the heck out of the guy and sometimes I'm on the guy's side. Oh she gets a lot of ewww stuff but sometimes it'll be like the guy she's connecting with says "Hello beautiful how are you today" and she's like "uh how about you not call me beautiful you're blocked now". I'm sure there's a lot more to that story so I can't completely say she's in the wrong, maybe the guy just constantly calls attention to her looks IDK but sometimes she takes on the "ain't nobody got time for that" vibe too. She has been previously married though she has no kids and doesn't want kids either.

In terms of past experiences without divulging too too much it's mostly related to me completely misreading the situation and I've found out later on on a few very serious situations that what I interpreted as sudden radio silence was really the person dealing with some really serious situations and that was explained when they got back to me (which varied in length). Still til this day I feel guilty when I consider what I thought was happening in those instances and what really did happen. That includes a dating partner or two, two friends and a relative. I don't mean to say that's at all applicable to the OP's situation just that it has affected me in how I view time going by between responses.

I've been using Bumble and Hitch.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I've been using Bumble and Hitch.

Bumble sounds familiar, it's totally possible my mom has used that..but I wouldn't be able to say with 100% certainty. Hitch on the other hand I'm unfamiliar with that one.

 

[Scouter]

Bumble sounds familiar, it's totally possible my mom has used that..but I wouldn't be able to say with 100% certainty. Hitch on the other hand I'm unfamiliar with that one.

Hitch is the newest and I can't remember what I read about it being the favorite right now. But Bumble is about women choosing the men first and then if the men also
swipe right they match them.
Both have basic levels which are free.

 

[mikehn]

I've only read a few of the posts on here, but in my online dating experience, both parties are going to dig each other real quick and it will be very apparent, or it's not gonna happen and it's simply time to move on. Another thing I've noticed is that online dating is like night and day in different parts of the country.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

THIS. If someone I met on the internet and had *1* date with......was asking about my custody schedule......I'd run the other way.

I was thinking more that he saw this as a sexual advance, sort of like checking when he available for a ‘sleepover’. Who knows? I am too old for online dating (too long in the tooth ), but my daughter dabbles and from her stories it sounds like a minefield on shifting sand with moving goalposts. A nightmare. I think @disneychrista is very brave… for trying online dating and for reporting back here, with all that entails. Good luck, I say.