One More Wedding-Related Question Please!

[frndshpcptn]

Since we are apparently on the subject of weddings...

Here's a situation I have found myself in and although I've made my decision already - I'm getting guilt from my family and want to see if I am out of line or not.

Overview:

My family has a number of VERY close family friends. Several of the children from these families have gotten married over the years. When wedding occurs, the tradition has been that all the families (including the "children") have stayed the night at a hotel either near the wedding venue - or sometimes the hotel IS the wedding venue. There is then a brunch the next morning.

There is a wedding coming up in the next few months where the event itself is just about a half hour from where I currently live and I've told my family that I'm disinclined to stay over this time.

Here's why:

• It's not that far from where I live
• If I stay over, it turns it from a night event to almost a full weekend event - the brunch usually does not end until about 1, making it around 2 PM before I'd get home on Sunday (after saying the extended good byes)
• I did not receive my own invitation to the wedding. They ran out, so sent one to my parent's home and my mother told me the date / location via phone. I am 33 years old and have not lived with my parents since I was 18
• I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now (we are quite serious and spend every weekend together) and he was not invited. I do understand guest limits, not inviting people who are not married / engaged / living together - but it still goes on my list

I'm 1000% happy for the couple getting married. I am so very much looking forward to attending the wedding itself. I will be there with bells on to celebrate the occasion.

That said - am I out of line for not spending the night?

 

[Bren's Mom]

Here's why:

• It's not that far from where I live
• If I stay over, it turns it from a night event to almost a full weekend event - the brunch usually does not end until about 1, making it around 2 PM before I'd get home on Sunday (after saying the extended good byes)
• I did not receive my own invitation to the wedding. They ran out, so sent one to my parent's home and my mother told me the date / location via phone. I am 33 years old and have not lived with my parents since I was 18
• I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now (we are quite serious and spend every weekend together) and he was not invited. I do understand guest limits, not inviting people who are not married / engaged / living together - but it still goes on my list

If I lived 1/2 hour from a wedding venue I wouldn't spend money to stay over. That just seems like a waste of money to me. Unless I was a big drinker or something and then it might be a safety issue. But I'm not, so I wouldn't stay over. So right there your decision is justified to me.

As for it being a whole weekend thing, even if you don't stay you're surely invited to return for brunch, and I think that's entirely your call. If you have a busy life like me and need at least one weekend day to get housework, kids projects, etc done then it's not unreasonable to decline the additional brunch invite.

As for getting your own invite, that part just seems nit-picky and whiny to me. Errors happen. In my dh's family often extend invites to the 'matriarchs' who are responsible for informing their own children. It's not a huge deal. They DID invite you.

And I think that at some point lists have to be capped. While it's not ideal to eliminate boyfriends, I'd personally rather be invited solo with my family then not invited at all.

 

[frndshpcptn]

If I lived 1/2 hour from a wedding venue I wouldn't spend money to stay over. That just seems like a waste of money to me. Unless I was a big drinker or something and then it might be a safety issue. But I'm not, so I wouldn't stay over. So right there your decision is justified to me.

As for it being a whole weekend thing, even if you don't stay you're surely invited to return for brunch, and I think that's entirely your call. If you have a busy life like me and need at least one weekend day to get housework, kids projects, etc done then it's not unreasonable to decline the additional brunch invite.

As for getting your own invite, that part just seems nit-picky and whiny to me. Errors happen. In my dh's family often extend invites to the 'matriarchs' who are responsible for informing their own children. It's not a huge deal. They DID invite you.

And I think that at some point lists have to be capped. While it's not ideal to eliminate boyfriends, I'd personally rather be invited solo with my family then not invited at all.

I'd definitely not be invited back for brunch if I didn't stay over...it's an "all or nothing" type thing...

As for the issue with my boyfriend - I TOTALLY understand and am not angry / upset about him not being invited. But... I think if he were invited with me I'd be more inclined to make a weekend out of it. Since we both work long hours our weekends are our main time together.

As for the invite - I know it's nit picky. But, I'm not a kid in college or just starting out. I'm 33 years old, have a career, my own home, etc. I think, for me, it was just part of the list of reasons as to why I was going to only attend the wedding vs. make it a weekend event.

 

[snykymom]

No one can make you feel guilty without your permission.

You're 33 years old. You want to be treated like an adult, act like one. Make your own decision, for whatever reasons you like. You don't have to explain to anyone. A simple, "That won't work for me" should suffice. Repeat as necessary.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My family is not like that so this is foreign to me. We respect each others time.

Agree with PP. I would just state matter of factly that you are not spending the night.

If they give you grief over this I would state the standard phrase you use for controlling people over and over and over again....

"I am sorry you feel that way."

You do not have to explain yourself anymore.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your plan is fine. Go to the wedding, have a good time, leave at the end, and you're done!

 

[Hannathy]

I'm confused is the brunch catered? or at the hotel and everyone pays there own way?
If it is just at the hotel in the dining room how could you not be invited ?

I would be more angry that at 33 I wasn't to bring a date. Who does that to an adult?

I think I would be skipping the whole thing since I seem more of an afterthought than a wanted guest.

 

[Rora]

Not out of line at all.

Seriously, if I were in your shoes- I wouldn't waste my money spending the night when you live so close, and I'd secretly be a little miffed that DBF wasn't invited. Between those two things, I'd feel no inclination to stay.

Don't worry about it. Enjoy the wedding!

 

[focusondisney]

Since we are apparently on the subject of weddings...

Here's a situation I have found myself in and although I've made my decision already - I'm getting guilt from my family and want to see if I am out of line or not.

Overview:

My family has a number of VERY close family friends. Several of the children from these families have gotten married over the years. When wedding occurs, the tradition has been that all the families (including the "children") have stayed the night at a hotel either near the wedding venue - or sometimes the hotel IS the wedding venue. There is then a brunch the next morning.

There is a wedding coming up in the next few months where the event itself is just about a half hour from where I currently live and I've told my family that I'm disinclined to stay over this time.

Here's why:

• It's not that far from where I live
• If I stay over, it turns it from a night event to almost a full weekend event - the brunch usually does not end until about 1, making it around 2 PM before I'd get home on Sunday (after saying the extended good byes)
• I did not receive my own invitation to the wedding. They ran out, so sent one to my parent's home and my mother told me the date / location via phone. I am 33 years old and have not lived with my parents since I was 18
• I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now (we are quite serious and spend every weekend together) and he was not invited. I do understand guest limits, not inviting people who are not married / engaged / living together - but it still goes on my list

I'm 1000% happy for the couple getting married. I am so very much looking forward to attending the wedding itself. I will be there with bells on to celebrate the occasion.

That said - am I out of line for not spending the night?

Nope, I totally agree with you. I for one hate the "Command Performance" mentality. In fact, trying to pressure me into what I "must" do is a sure way to get me to do the opposite.

I'm also not a fan of these whole weekend "event" type weddings. If some want to extend the celebration, good for them. I wouldn't participate. DH & I feel the same way about our weekends. He works 60 hours a week & I work every 3rd weekend (12 hour shifts). So the ones I'm off are planned mostly for just us. We wouoldn't give up the whole weekend for someone else's event, either.

And I agree with you totally about getting your own invitation. I can maybe see it to a casual get together, but something formal like a wedding, no way. You are an independent adult, you get invited directly, not thru your mother. And I know all about costs & limiting guest lists (my only DD got married just over a year ago), I can't imagine inviting a single adult & not give them the option to bring an escort if they choose to. We had many single adult relatives & we planned & budgeted for all of them to bring a guest. Most didn't, but that was up to them.

Good luck. Stay strong. Don't let your family get to you!

 

[frndshpcptn]

Thank you so much for your feedback everyone.

I really appreciate your thoughts - it's really comforting to hear from neutral parties that I'm not completely off base with my decision here.

I will continue to keep referring back to this thread - I think I'm going to need the reinforcement until this weekend passes.

 

[tlbwriter]

I can't imagine what kind of special snowflake would get offended that you didn't spend the night! Seriously!

And no, it's not nitpicky at ALL to feel you should have received your own invitation. You're an adult. You don't live with your parents. According to any etiquette standard, you should have received your own invitation. And if the couple ran out, they should have called you or sent you a note in the mail to invite you. Tacking you onto your parents' invitation is inappropriate.

 

[mla1977]

There have been several weddings that my boyfriend's friends have had that we've opted out of staying the night. We don't see the point in spending the night when we live less than 30 minutes from the venue.

As for the invite issue...

I would be upset if I got an invite combined with my parents, but considering that they made an error in ordering the invites, I would get over it. Your boyfriend not being invited is understandable from both ends. At a cousin's wedding my boyfriend was not invited. I was upset about it because 1) we've been together longer than the marrying couple and 2) another cousin's boyfriend was invited. It turns out that the other boyfriend would have been invited anyways since he was friends with the couple, and aside from him, no one else had a +1 unless they were married or engaged. The couple had maxed out the venue. There might be a reason that you don't have a +1.

 

[scrapquitler]

I don't think so.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I can't imagine what kind of special snowflake would get offended that you didn't spend the night! Seriously!

And no, it's not nitpicky at ALL to feel you should have received your own invitation. You're an adult. You don't live with your parents. According to any etiquette standard, you should have received your own invitation. And if the couple ran out, they should have called you or sent you a note in the mail to invite you. Tacking you onto your parents' invitation is inappropriate.

Thanks!

I thought about that - it would have been nice if they sent me a quick email and let me know about the invitation count issue - Just a "Hey - we messed up on the invites - but here's date and time - looking forward to seeing you there."

I would have understood. They have my email address - we all (about 16 of us) meet up for dinner every two months to catch up and that's organized via email...

 

[frndshpcptn]

I'm confused is the brunch catered? or at the hotel and everyone pays there own way?
If it is just at the hotel in the dining room how could you not be invited ?

I would be more angry that at 33 I wasn't to bring a date. Who does that to an adult?

I think I would be skipping the whole thing since I seem more of an afterthought than a wanted guest.

The brunch is catered at the hotel the next day for those people who stayed overnight. It's not that I wouldn't be invited per se...it's more that everyone stays the night and then goes to the brunch. No one leaves and then comes back the next day...it's never happened that way before.

 

[Pigeon]

First, a wedding invitation is an invitation. It is not a command performance. You are under no obligation to attend at all.

I would never pay to stay overnight for an event half an hour away. It really wouldn't occur to me to do so.

Personally, I wouldn't attend a wedding if I wasn't given the option of bringing a date. To me, that's really rude. I also would be annoyed at the afterthought nature of the invitation. If you were 18, that would be one thing, but 33?

If you want to go solo, that's fine. It just wouldn't work for me.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'd definitely not be invited back for brunch if I didn't stay over...it's an "all or nothing" type thing...

How would they know who stayed over?

The brunch is catered at the hotel the next day for those people who stayed overnight. It's not that I wouldn't be invited per se...it's more that everyone stays the night and then goes to the brunch. No one leaves and then comes back the next day...it's never happened that way before.

Now, how do you know? There might have been people coming and going this whole time, but they just kept it quiet.

Start the new tradition!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

The brunch is catered at the hotel the next day for those people who stayed overnight. It's not that I wouldn't be invited per se...it's more that everyone stays the night and then goes to the brunch. No one leaves and then comes back the next day...it's never happened that way before.

IF you want to go to the brunch you could start a new tradition. Would you be paying for your brunch? If so, and you wanted to go, it would be a nice opportunity to take your boyfriend.

IF you don't want to go to the brunch, then it's a non-issue whether people who spend the night are the only ones who go.

Personally, for a wedding just a half-hour from my house - I'd sleep at home and drive back for the festivities.

 

[tlbwriter]

But she still doesn't want it to take up her whole weekend, especially since her boyfriend isn't invited. Why drive back and forth to something she doesn't really want to do in the first place when she could enjoy the wedding and reception and then go home?

 

[frndshpcptn]

IF you want to go to the brunch you could start a new tradition. Would you be paying for your brunch? If so, and you wanted to go, it would be a nice opportunity to take your boyfriend.

IF you don't want to go to the brunch, then it's a non-issue whether people who spend the night are the only ones who go.

Personally, for a wedding just a half-hour from my house - I'd sleep at home and drive back for the festivities.

No - I would not be paying. I also think it might be awkward to bring my boyfriend to the brunch, considering he wasn't invited to the wedding the night before.

I'm definitely not driving back for the brunch - that's not even on the table at this point. Just answering a question that had been put out there earlier about the brunch format.