One happyhaunt, Two happyhaunt, Red happyhaunt, Blue happyhaunt!(newer, pg 31.)

[1000thhappyhaunt]

That's the weather report.

Now then... after Tommy and I had put on our costumes we moseyed down to the first floor of the Too Grand for the happyhaunts Floridian.

Well... Tommy moseyed b/c he was the cowboy.

I sauntered, ambled, lurched and staggered. Trying to find my sea legs. B/c I was the pirate.

Capish?

It seemed to be going very Johnny Depp(ish) for me until Tommy asked if my jeans were too tight.

Yes they were. However, since half of my left buttcheek and knee were ripped out of them. I could still breathe. Comfortably.

I know. I know. Why would you wear full-on pirate/groupie gear to Disneyworld?!!!!

I slapped myself with Tommy's cowboy hat and 7 pounds of over-the-knee leather pirate boot. Just for good measure.

Or did I?

We took some pictures of ourselves in the fancy lobby. I took some of Tommy. Tommy took a couple of his index finger, foot and the corner of a piano.

Which we will frame and give to The General for her birthday. This week.

When she turns 103.

Then we walked over to the elevator to take a little ride up to the next floor. B/c it's fancy and you can see through it into the lobby.

As we were waiting endlessly for it to come... we noticed a wedding party hanging out by the stairs. Beside. Us.

It wasn't an entire wedding party. Just the groom and about seven groomsmen.

Clearly they had been to the Garden View Lounge for "tea". Already. Either that or just the bar.

They caught sight of us at the elevator and started yelling "ARRRGGGHHH!!!". And other flattering stuff.

Only it wasn't that flattering. Unless my name was Paris. NOCityofLights.

Tommy said, "Mommy, why are those men yelling at you?".

I answered, "They think I'm a bad pirate.".

Tommy looked confused, "But you're a good pirate?".

Apparently that's not what my forehead sign read. In blurred triplicate. To a gaggle of greatly grogged groomsmen.

Blessedly the elevator came soon enough and Tommy and I got on.

But not before I flipped them the universal sign for "Goodbye".

No. No. NO!!!!!

I have SOME CLASS.

Just not enough for this particular hotel.

We headed for the monorail.

B/c the happyhaunts don't stud waitin' for the slow boat back to the Magic Kingdom.

We waited with the crowd for the monorail.

It pulled up and the door opened.

Amazingly, just at that moment, a CM dude came up to Tommy and I and asked if we'd like to ride in the very front. With the driver.

OH YEAH!!!!!

We did.

We got in along with an older couple and sat back to enjoy the short ride.

It wasn't that short.

We waited. And waited. The monorail just sat. There.

Next time the happyhaunts'll stud waitin' for the slow boat back back to the Magic Kingdom.

But... the other couple was very nice. And asked if we wanted a picture of ourselves in the monorail car.

We did. And I posted it. In the last chapter. TFI.

Then the lady started talking to Tommy.

She asked him where we were going. Huh? DUH?!!!!

I let him answer b/c I was busy writing "... and looked at her incredulously" in my Tripe Reporter Notebook.

He said, "We're going to Mickey's Hallowe'en Party!".

And so. We did.

We stowed our stuff back in our locker.

Got our wristbands.

And entered the park.

We grabbed a map from the CM Disney Map Pusher guy.

And I told Tommy our mission for treats was this: "TAKE WHAT YOU CAN!!! GIVE NOTHING BACK!!!!".

And, with that, we started up Main St.

We saw a bunch of AMAZING costumes. Just mind-boggling. The princesses, the characters, the princesses, the princesses.

Princesses. More princesses.

Princesses.


AND a few more little girls in long flowing gowns and tiaras.


Wow. It was like PROM.

Except I was in a pirate costume. And not a freaky weird homemade aqua blue satin girl-tuxedo deal. NOGeneral.

Anywho... I was impressed by the care, time and money many of the guests had put into their costumes.

It was very cool.

I even stopped and looked at this one guy dressed in full-ON camo.

He was pretty good looking. I'll admit.

Just my type: tall, dark and awkward.

And three other words which mean "sweaty".

Kinda like a combination of Tim McGraw and Elmer Fudd. Timler McFudd.

"Shhhh. Be vewy, vewy qwiet! I'm wookin' fer wittle wabbits wif a wifle!"!

Anywho... all that to say this: Mel happyhaunt studs wookin' at weawy weawy wed hot CAMO studs.

Gee, that may not have come out in the best possible way.

And, yet, I'm leaving it.

'Cause Mellyman wears camo. And he'll appreciate the props.

I think.

After my knee-high leather pirate boots went up and down... we headed for Liberty Square.

And a bathroom.

For Tommy.

Who had drank two whole pots of the Magical Dark Tea. At the GF.

He went for a magically long pee.

A super pee.

And, NO, I'm not singing the song again.

Then he announced... while I was looking for a phone number by the sinks... that he was LOCKED IN the stall.

Great.

Just ab FAB!!!!

I tried to explain to him how to unlock the door. Through the door.


No capish.


I asked him to slide under the door.


No.


Why????!!!!!


B/c he didn't want to get his new cowboy costume dirty.


ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!


It appeared that I, his fully-costumed pirateMom, would have to wiggle under the bathroom stall door to unlock it. MYSELF.


I have NO problem with looting, plundering or pillaging.


But I didn't want to drag my booty all across a dirty washroom floor! Either.


CRAP!!!!


Where IS that dog with the KEYS?!!!! When you need him?


Cheers, Mel.

 

[flipflop]

Seems like you and Tommy spent quite of bit of your day together in bathroom stalls. Interesting approach to "touring."

 

[DJR]

I sauntered, ambled, lurched and staggered. Trying to find my sea legs. B/c I was the pirate.

I tend to think it was the contents of that tall glass on your high tea table.

Tommy said, "Mommy, why are those men yelling at you?".

I answered, "They think I'm a bad pirate.".

Tommy looked confused, "But you're a good pirate?".

Apparently that's not what my forehead sign read. In blurred triplicate. To a gaggle of greatly grogged groomsmen.

Eagerly eyeing a pirate in too tight jeans with her left buttcheek peeking out. Who'd a thunk it?

But not before I flipped them the universal sign for "Goodbye".

No. No. NO!!!!!

I have SOME CLASS.

Just not enough for this particular hotel.

Amazing. I'd never have guessed.

Anywho... all that to say this: Mel happyhaunt studs wookin' at weawy weawy wed hot CAMO studs.

Gee, that may not have come out in the best possible way.

There are some people you just can't let walk around unsupervised, and guess you're one of them.

It appeared that I, his fully-costumed pirateMom, would have to wiggle under the bathroom stall door to unlock it. MYSELF.

You know, if you had played your cards right, you probably could have made enough money selling tickets to that performance to pay for your trip. Missed the boat, though, didn't you.

 

[samc]

FOFunny Melly!!!........another stinkin HOT chapter...........
I laughed and cried simultaneously..........

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

Eagerly eyeing a pirate in too tight jeans with her left buttcheek peeking out. Who'd a thunk it?

Let me be clear: MY NAME is NOT PARIS!!!!!


Sheesh.


I was wearing long piratey-garb. Which covered the drafts modestly.


So THERE!!!!!



OH.


The banana thing has GOT to stop!!!!


Try posting a single thumbs up. For a change.


'Cause I KNOW you care enough... to do the very LEAST!


Heh heh.


Thanks for readin'. As always!!!!


Cheers, Mel.

 

[AshClan]

First, DJR. DUDE! Those bananamen even hurt MY eyes. Melly will love 'em.

Second, MEL!!! This chapter was flippin' hysterical (NO Flip Wilson).

Third,

Timler McFudd

I hope, somehow, that Tommy figured out that lock on his own. Somehow, I'm thinkin' probably not. Can't wait to find out!!

 

[LaLa]

I know. I know. Why would you wear full-on pirate/groupie gear to Disneyworld?!!!!

I slapped myself with Tommy's cowboy hat and 7 pounds of over-the-knee leather pirate boot. Just for good measure.

DED!

Mel happyhaunt studs wookin' at weawy weawy wed hot CAMO studs.

Lemme get this straight. You're saying you stud for camo? CAMO, of all things?! That mossy greenish brown pattern makes your socks go up and down? Makes your hair curl and uncurl? Makes your sparkly scarf tie and untie? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard! You're SUCH a Redneck. Which is weird, considering you're not from Alabama. NOAlabama. The group, not the state.

I have SOME CLASS.

Reread that last quote of yours and tell me that again. Only this time, try to sell it. And keep a straight face in the process. Own it Mel. You have no class. And saidly, neither do I. Apparently.

I let him answer b/c I was busy writing "... and looked at her incredulously" in my Tripe Reporter Notebook.

You may not have class, but you DO bring some huge funny to the table. NOTabLe. This killed me. Great line, Mel. That was FOFF.

We grabbed a map from the CM Disney Map Pusher guy.

Was it HIS mole?




I only have one word for this one, Melly: HILARIOUS.

Stinkin' hilarious, even.

Okay, so sue me. That's more than one. Well, unless you're Frick. (LY/MI Frick)

LOVED IT, MELLY. I laughed so hard I lost a tooth.



And just for good measure:

 

[UtahMama]

MEL! Pictures! Dontcha have pictures? Oh, wait, I forgot it was just you and tommy. My mental picture is just adorable of you both.

I agree with Lala- Hilarious!

You really are great entertainment.

 

[Frickles]

Mel I bumped your TR yesterday not even realizing you had a new chapter before I did it! Ooopsies! So, I got a double dose of Melly Goodness today!! whooop whooop! It was all good stuff girl! You crack me up and then some. I've never thought of doing the tea because I have boys, but by golly that looks like some good stuff.

I'm off to kick La's bootie. (Ly/Mi La!)

 

[nicolemarie]

B/c the happyhaunts don't stud waitin' for the slow boat back to the Magic Kingdom.

Next time the happyhaunts'll stud waitin' for the slow boat back back to the Magic Kingdom.

Well, it appears you may be the first person to make fun of my phrase, yet use it correctly. Good call.

Anywho... all that to say this: Mel happyhaunt studs wookin' at weawy weawy wed hot CAMO studs.

Again, good usage.

After my knee-high leather pirate boots went up and down... we headed for Liberty Square.

Can you give me that weather report again?

Dangit, Mel! I'm miserable just thinkin' about you! Couldn't you have chosen something cool and comfy for your costume? Like "Lady at the Beach?" Not to mention you made fun of me again. I highly doubt your boots went up and down. They were probably stuck to your legs with all the sweat. Eeeew.

Great installment! You are ALWAYS bringin' the funny, woman!! Thanks for the laffs!

NM

 

[Tanya90210]

what a funny chapter... Timler McFudd.... love it!

 

[50 years Too!]

Mel,

You are really cranking them out lately. Keep 'em comin!
That nemesis of yours should be so speedy.

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

Nevermind.

Actually... he's been pretty scarce around here. So I've revoked his title of "Nemesis In Good Standing".

Ok.

Where were we?


Oh yes.


Tommy was locked in the stall. And didn't want to crawl out and get his new cowboy costume dirty. I was standing on the other side of the door trying to figure out how to crawl under the door, in full-on Hallowe'en garb, without getting my pirate booty stuck. Or getting close enough to the toilet to actually lick it. Or hurting myself REAL bad.

I decided the odds were NOT in my favour... like, massively NOT.

Not unlike the chances of Canada ever living up to its Kyoto Protocol.

So I came up with a LIGHTBULB:


Me(l): "Tommy, hand Mommy your hat under the door."
Tommy: "Don't touch it to the floor!!! Don't touch it to the floor!!!"
Me(l): "Just hand it to me! Okay!"
Tommy: "Here. Be careful."

(Hands his hat under)

Me(l): "Thanks. Now take your clothes off."
Tommy: "Huh?"
Me(l): "Listen, Tommy, one of us is goin' under that door. And it's not the pirate. So... you're gonna hand your vest and chaps out to me just like your hat. Then you're gonna crawl under. Capish?".
Tommy: "MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

This was uttered at such a fiercely high squeak-tone that three mirrors shattered simultaneously.


In Denver. Colorado.


Anywho... the cowboy costume got handed under. I was careful not to touch, drag, wipe, soil, rub, skim, or brush said costume on the dirty floor.

Then Tommy hauled himself under the door. Belly down and face first. Yes. The Lazy Man's Limbo. Wearing his t-shirt and boxer shorts. And sandals.


If you were wondering: Yes. He did touch, drag, wipe, soil, rub, skim and brush the floor.


We washed him up at the sinks, dried him off and coated him with the lion's share of the handy dandy purse size Purell bottle. In our Disney Planner Backpack.


Then we got him all dressed back up in his finest. Cow-print. Gear.


Me(l): "Tommy?".
Tommy: "What, Mommy?".
Me(l): "Did you remember to flush the toilet?".
Tommy: "Huh?"
Me(l): "CLOTHES OFF! BACK UNDER THAT DOOR, YOUNG MAN!".
Tommy: "But... but... it's the kind that..."...
Me(l): "I know. Psyche, Babydoll. Heh heh.".


We headed out.


Straight to the most amazing of rides... the one that MUST be ridden every trip. The ride that practically SCREAMS... MNSSHP. To the masses of fancied-up guests. Ghosts. And ghouls.


It's the ONE... MUST-DO...ride at Mickey's Hallowe'en Bash.


Except for us. The happyhaunts.


We skipped it.


Oh... I got to stand around outside. Look at the "special" souveniers on the cart. Drink it all in. The whole deal.


Except for the riding of it part.


Tommy was, is and will continue to be scared of this particular ride.


Probably until I am dead. And buried.


And, then, he will fondly remember Me(l) everytime he and his family pass by it. At Walt Disney World.


But... not ride it. Ever. NOMel.


Let's just say... it's not Tommy's favourite ride.


Again.


But... I decided to call one of my BFFs from right there. From outside of it. And say: "HEY! Guess where we are?".

Why?


Because I have a long-established habit of calling people at inopportune times. From odd places.


I've called The General from plenty of places in Europe. At 3:15am. Her time.


I've called Mellyman from the hospital, once or twice, to say: I hurt myself real bad. And you better hurry if you want to see me before they put me under. For surgery.


I've called my ex-old childhood best friend. On the day of my father's funeral. To say: Hey. Where are you? 'Cause I was at my Dad's funeral. And was wondering why YOU weren't?


I've called my roomate from University a bunch of times...during University. When she was over at someone's place studying. And invited her for a sleepover.


And I've called "Olly Olly Oxen Free!". When no one was caught yet.


Ok.


So... I called my bud. She's a sweet funny lovely girl. Just love her. To bits.


The phone rang and she answered:

"Hello?".

"Hey. It's Mel."

"Mel! NO WAY!"

"Way."

"No way."

"Way."

"Where are you?"

"Right beside the Haunted Mansion. IN WALT DISNEY WORLD. BAYBEEE!"

"No way."

"Way."

"No..."

"Yes. Way."

"No way. Wow."


Then we chatted for about five minutes. And, yes, it was more of the scintillating conversation. Like above.


Like I said... she's sweet lovely and funny.


Just not the sharpest knife in the drawer.


You know?


Like, if she had more smarts... they would be lonely.


All of that to say... If every village has an idiot: We're lucky...we have TWO.


Heh heh.


Now then: We're off to BTMRR!


Again.


In Frontierland.


Because... if there's ONE THING the happyhaunts are good at...


IT'S MIXIN' IT UP!!!!


Cheers, Mel.

 

[mlill]

Whew!

That was close. Would you believe, I actually had nightmares about you getting stuck under the toilet door. Seriously. Is there a 10-step program for the DIS? I think I'm in need of one.

No HM on a MNSSHP night?!? The horror. I can't even imagine it...

 

[ncseric]

At least you're weren't in the Canada bathroom.

After ZZUB had been there.

Eeew.

 

[DJR]

Well, all I can say about this chapter is that I am without speech. And so it appears were you, judging from the conversation you had with your BFF. Any particular reason why you decided to have Tommy go under the stall rather than over it? And, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around your being in front of the HM and not riding it; think I need an aspirin.

This one's for you Melly

 

[Tanya90210]

Very shocking... to have happyhaunts not visit the other happyhaunts... but hey... kid don't wanna ride... mommy obliged... but next time you'll have to do an extra to make up for it

 

[flafan]

Loving your trippie, Love the Halloween costume almost as much as Johnny Depp well not really I just love typing his name.

Too bad getting stuck in the bathroom though, if you have to get stuck in a bathroom might as well be in Disney

Would love to go to the World with my little guy solo sometime. Enjoying the ride

 

[nicolemarie]

Geez, Mel.

You just slid this one in here and I didn't even know it. I was wasting time on a Sunday night perusing the TR boards.

You sly little dog.

If you were wondering: Yes. He did touch, drag, wipe, soil, rub, skim and brush the floor.

We washed him up at the sinks, dried him off and coated him with the lion's share of the handy dandy purse size Purell bottle.

All I'm sayin' is that the "handy dandy purse size" don't cut it for a bathroom floor. Please tell me you gave him a shower before he went to bed that night. Please tell me that.

Like I said... she's sweet lovely and funny.


Just not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I hope she doesn't read your Trip Reports. You might have a hard time reinstating that friendship.

Great installment, Mel!! Can't wait to hear the rest...

NM

 

[ZZUB]

Probably until I am dead. And buried.

Any idea when this might be? Soon perhaps?

Let's just say... it's not Tommy's favourite ride.Again.

Actually, you did just say it wasn't Tommy's favorite ride. What's with you and the redundancy. Maybe instead of prank calling your friends at University, you should have attended a writing class or two.

Like I said... she's sweet lovely and funny. Just not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

And again, reDUNdant! She's your friend. How sharp can she be if she gave you her phone number?! What kind of dunderhead would give you her phone number? I don't even want you to know what time zone I'm in.

Now then, the whole forcing your kid to crawl on the pee-stained bathroom floor was so disgusting it made me reach for the garbage pail to download my lunch. Then I rememberd my pail wasn't where it used to be on account of the new office set up. So instead of my garbage pail, I actually grabbed my recycling box and filled it to the brim. It was great fun revisiting my salad and Pepsi One. Then as I sat, wiping puke residue off my chin, the irony of throwing up in a recycle box struck me as funny.

Unlike anything I read in this chapter.

Nemesis indeed.