Omg...my friend's dad hit on me

[OceanAnnie]

Sounds like he hasn't heard the word, "No." very often. Time to tell him you aren't his friend. Don't call. Piss off.

Tell mom. Tell friend.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I'm just afraid of pissing him off. He's a powerful guy and he can easily screw me over when I try to get a job.
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I've read every post so far and that was my first thought. You do not want this guy to hurt your chances at your chosen profession.

You CAN use this to your advantage. Remain very businesslike - strong and calm. Tell him exactly how you feel about his advances and make it clear you're not interested. Also tell him that you are flattered by his job offer but under the circumstances it would "not be in my best interest". If you can pull off a very businesslike, strong attitude he will respect you for it. Getting all pissed off or freaked out will do nothing to help the situation. If you're thinking about law school you're obviously a very strong person, you CAN pull this off I guarantee you!! YOu want this bozo to see you as a strong businesswoman, not a scared or freaked out little girl.

 

[Cindyluwho]

If he does try and badmouth you and attempt to screw things up then you can tell anyone who should ask you about it the truth - He made suggestive comments of a sexual nature to you and you've decided to stay as far away from him as possible. If a prospective employer knows him well enough to value his opinion then they should also know him well enough to suspect that what you're saying is true.
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Amberle3, I have to disagree. Lawyers are still an archaic group of "the old boys". They will not take the word of a young woman over one of their own, even if they know (and I'm sure they DO) that this guy is a worm. Even when they know he's at fault they will choose his word over hers. They will stick together. I believe she's better off being firm and businesslike. If you're gonna be in that business, you've gotta play that game.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

You really need to let your parents know what is going on. You don't want to end up in a situation where they have invited creepy-friend's-dad over and he is somehow able to catch you alone. If he tries anything, and someone else walks in, guess what will happen? He'll make it sound like YOU came on to HIM. TELL YOUR MOM NOW!!!

 

[JerseyBallerina]

Cindyluwho, I completely agree with you and that is what is keeping me from telling everyone what a dirtbag he is. I'm sure most people already know but for different reasons don't care. He even said once that it would be a mistake to get on his bad side.

He's not an idiot. He must know I'm not interested in him. But he must think that he has a chance to get me or he wouldn't be wasting his time. I don't know what would make a man suddenly see his daughter's friend as someone who is appropriate to hit on.

 

[oxfordcircus]

You do not want this guy to hurt your chances at your chosen profession.

Amberle3, I have to disagree. Lawyers are still an archaic group of "the old boys". They will not take the word of a young woman over one of their own, even if they know (and I'm sure they DO) that this guy is a worm. Even when they know he's at fault they will choose his word over hers. They will stick together. I believe she's better off being firm and businesslike. If you're gonna be in that business, you've gotta play that game.

I wouldn't get too worried about what one spurned lawyer can do to anyone's career. He may think he's powerful, but nobody's so powerful that they can blacklist another lawyer. I mean, crap, even the President can't fire his own lawyers. Unless New Jersey is more provincial than Mississippi, there will be plenty of jobs at plenty of firms who could give a rat's tail about this fellow's opinion. I've seen lots of people with lots of real baggage do just fine in a much smaller, much more good-ole-boy market than NJ.

My point here is that the OP needs to concern herself with her personal wellbeing, and the career worries shouldn't be a factor in any decisions she makes.

 

[dolcezena]

Starting to sound like he's into using his "power" to force people into doing the things he wants. So he's not too far away from the average dirtbag sex offender.

If this is the way he's lived his life & chosen to practice his career, he's made just as many enemies as he has friends. Again, I say tell him he's just too old for your tastes - he seems to think his other "charms" will work on a college girl, so that should kick him in his insecurities. After all, why else do (way) older men hit on younger women? They're trying to reassure themselves that they're still a catch. Some "girls" fall for that.

Then find an internship with a company that has former co-workers/colleagues of his. Yes, the old-boys network is around in many professions, but it's not nearly as powerful as THEY think it is!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Starting to sound like he's into using his "power" to force people into doing the things he wants. So he's not too far away from the average dirtbag sex offender.

Ironic isn't it?

 

[Serena]

Tell your mom. I can't help but wonder how many other young women he's done this too. He wouldn't have tried this now if he hadn't gotten away with it before with someone else.
You saying "no" is going to tick him off enough anyway and no telling what he might do then. You need some support from your parents, especially if she trusts him enough to give out your number.

 

[kennancat]

My first thought after reading your post was does your friend like the Dear Prudence column on Slate.com?

http://www.slate.com/id/2161332/?nav=navoa

Dear Prudence,
I'm a 21-year-old college student in need of advice on how to deal with my father. My girlfriend recently went home with me for the first time to attend my older sister's birthday. Her opinion of my father was that he "kinda creeped me out." Several other close female friends have admitted things like this before as well. He stands too close to them, talks only to them too much, touches them on the arm when it seems out of place to do so, weird things like that. Of course, he would say he's just being friendly, but I'm quite sure that's not all it is. Even worse is when he acts this way when I'm right there! My father and I have had talks on this before, but he will never admit to being wrong and doesn't seem to get the idea to stay away from women (particularly my female friends). How do I deal with this, short of just never taking my girlfriends to spend time with my family, especially since it's worse on short-term visits?

—Don't Stand So Close to Her

Dear Don't,
From what you describe of his violations, your father could certainly make a defense that's he's just a warm, gregarious guy. But I will accept the reactions of you and your friends that there is an abnormal undertow to his friendliness. So, maybe your father is a dirty old man. You've talked to him with no effect, and it's probably useless to try to enlist your mother's help (she's had to make some kind of accommodation all these years just to bear it). It sounds as if your father is careful just to dance up to the line of what's socially acceptable (as far as you know). Part of growing up is being able to step back and see our parents as the flawed people they are—although in your case, his flaws are of a particularly icky sort. So, what to do? First, you can warn any woman you take home that your father is overly flirtatious, and if he makes her uncomfortable, she should just excuse herself and walk away. Keep your eye out for when he tries to corner your friend, and step in to lead her off to show her the clay figurines you made at summer camp. At mealtimes, make sure the old goat is not seated next to her. And although he may not want to hear it, if you see he is behaving egregiously, pull him aside and calmly (and quietly) tell him that he's bothering your friend and embarrassing himself.

—Prudie

If your friend's dad is at all like this guy, she may be well aware of the problem already.

 

[agnes!]

Oh, I DO like the "You're too old."

I still think he is relying on secrecy, that is what gives him power. He sounds to me like a classic type of abuser or predator. These kinds of behaviors take place away from other people, in secret. He is relying on your good-girl instincts that want to protect your friend and your parents.

When secrets are told, they lose their power to control.

agnes!

 

[JerseyBallerina]

He obviously doesn't have the power to blacklist me from every law firm in the state but he does know enough people to make it really difficult to get started in our area. As of now, I have no plans of moving to another part of the state and when you're first starting out, you don't need any negativity associated to your name, regardless of the nature of it.

I'm planning on talking to my mom tomorrow and seeing what she thinks.

He actually called me again but I didn't pick up and he only left a message saying to call him back. He has something to ask me.

God only knows what that is.

 

[horseshowmom]

I wouldn't get too worried about what one spurned lawyer can do to anyone's career. He may think he's powerful, but nobody's so powerful that they can blacklist another lawyer. I mean, crap, even the President can't fire his own lawyers. Unless New Jersey is more provincial than Mississippi, there will be plenty of jobs at plenty of firms who could give a rat's tail about this fellow's opinion. I've seen lots of people with lots of real baggage do just fine in a much smaller, much more good-ole-boy market than NJ.

My point here is that the OP needs to concern herself with her personal wellbeing, and the career worries shouldn't be a factor in any decisions she makes.

I agree 100%!

If this guy is a big enough jerk to go through your mom (as someone else said), he's a major problem. You need to tell your mother.

You can ask her to stay out of it if you wish, but she needs to know, so she can't be manipulated in this situation. Further, if this does become an issue later, she needs to know about it beforehand.

IMO, I probably wouldn't tell the friend/daughter unless forced to do so.

If he does call you again, answer and then hang up when he identifies himself. I realize that you'll probably recognize his number, but he needs to know that you know it's him, and you are NOT going to talk to him.

Also, I respectfully disagree with telling him that you're flattered by the job offer. You aren't, and he doesn't need to think you're even remotely friendly at this point. He'll just take it as encouragement.

I know somebody like this personally. I have told my DD that if he EVER makes an inappropriate remark to her to look him dead in the eyes and tell him that if he ever does it again he'll be on the evening news with his "hobby" plastered out for the world to see, but that he'd better worry even more about what me and her dad will do to him.

You cannot give this type of pervert an inch...

ETA: He sounds like Christie Brinkley's soon to be ex-husband.

 

[DISUNC]

I still think he is relying on secrecy, that is what gives him power. He sounds to me like a classic type of abuser or predator. These kinds of behaviors take place away from other people, in secret. He is relying on your good-girl instincts that want to protect your friend and your parents.

When secrets are told, they lose their power to control.agnes!

JB,

ITA with Agnes...if there were more young woman with 'BIG MOUTHS"...there will be way less creeps in the world!

As a "older man" ...I am telling you this guy is a MAJOR CREEP!
Tell your Mom, tell your DAD, tell your BF too! They are all there for you!

Good Luck!

 

[dolcezena]

I still think he is relying on secrecy, that is what gives him power. He sounds to me like a classic type of abuser or predator. These kinds of behaviors take place away from other people, in secret. He is relying on your good-girl instincts that want to protect your friend and your parents.

When secrets are told, they lose their power to control.

agnes!

EXACTLY!!!!! Men like him get away with this crap because somehow WE'RE embarassed by the inappropriateness of their behaviour. Out him honey - or at least let him think you will!

ETA: Is "inappropriateness" a word? It should be.

 

[PrincessTiff]

He actually called me again but I didn't pick up and he only left a message saying to call him back. He has something to ask me.

God only knows what that is.

What a creep. From reading your posts, I do believe you have enough common sense not to call him back. Could you block his number? That could potentially escalate the problem though.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I wouldn't call him back. Ever.

I don't think you can "make nice" with someone that is sexually harassing you. You don't want to be too forceful with him because he could bad mouth you later. That's why he's calling! He knows that you could rely on him later. He's got you where he wants you. Vulnerable. Who's to say he isn't going to bad mouth you because you aren't giving him what he wants? He could get mad at you for that and use his "power" in that way. You might as well nip it in the bud your way, because you have no control over his end of the outcome.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

Who should I tell besides my parents? His wife? His daughter?

If his daughter had suspicions that he was cheating, his wife must know too. And she doesn't care. She plays the perfect kept woman role well and I doubt she wants to rock the boat.

I want to say something to him to give him the impression I'm gonna tell someone but I don't know how to say it so it's not like a threat.

 

[Serena]

It's simple, you cannot threaten him. You must not speak with him at all unless you can't help it. Don't call him and block his number.

You have to believe in yourself and that means not pretending you're going to do something when you don't mean it. You have to really mean it.
And be careful, if you do confront him it could be dangerous, so don't.

 

[OceanAnnie]

If you happen to answer the phone when he calls and he starts the invitations, tell him you turned down the job offer and ask him what are the invitations for. Put him on the spot. Then put him down hard. Time to stand tall and mean it.

In your state is it legal to tape a conversation without the other party knowing? I'm typically not one to do that sort of thing, but if it is legal in this case it might be a good thing to have.

Better yet, call him back. Do it with your mom at your side. Remind him you turned down the job offer. Ask him what the invitations are for then hand the phone to your mom and let her listen. Then when he has made his proposition, your mom can say, "Dave, is that you?!". Oh now that would be fun!