Old Boyfriend contacted me on FB

[PollyannaMom]

erincon23 - My advice is to run screaming from the computer, and don't look back.

bumbershoot - Thank you for the videos. (I accidentally watched the wrong one first, so I saw another, different song as well.) Both so funny!

 

[JessicaR]

Sounds like a game you are looking to entertain. I wouldn't. Play it out and likely you will be the loser.

 

[mommyintn]

Before I met DW I was in a relationship for 3+ years. We were very serious, and were actively planning a future together. We had some communications breakdowns that ultimately led us to split up. The thing was we never met to have final closure on the relationship.

Because of that I used to have a "what if" in the back of my mind. I know she's on Facebook, and she knows I'm on there. She's married with kids, I'm married with kids. Neither of us try to contact each other. There is really no need to at this point. We've both built happy and healthy lives without each other, and I think there would be little to gain if we spoke again. At the time we thought the other was "the one," but that obviously wasn't true.

I've learned that any "feelings" you have towards ex's are nothing but fond memories. A lot of times those fond memories lead people to do dumb, impulsive, things. To the OP, I would unfriend this guy and keep moving forward in your life. Past chapters in life close so that the new ones can open. It's not worth "re-reading" a chapter that could alter the happiness you've created.

I completely agree with this!!

 

[memster]

When you hear a little voice of caution in circumstances like this, you should listen...

You took the words right out of my mouth

 

[a1tinkfans]

I may have just done a really stupid thing, but it's done and I'm not going to take it back. I've been married for more than 20 years, but a guy I dated for four years before I met my DH sent me a friend request on FB this morning. I don't have any problem being friends with old flames -- one of our best friends is DH's former serious girlfriend -- but this guy was something else. Truly a major bad boy. I STILL have intense dreams about him. I know that there was no choice but to break up when we did and have no further contact -- at least for a very long time -- but still I always have wondered what if??? DH knows about this, and I'm very open with FB at home -- I leave it open most of the time, so I know I won't get into anything secret or clandestine. But I can't help feeling that I might have gotten myself into something, ummm...

Erin

Erin....

Curious Would you Feel the same if this was your Husband doing the Same Thing??
I would not be okay with it, personally....I see possible heartache, why take this Un-needed RISK?
Good Luck ...

 

[LuvOrlando]

I am friends with some old BF's on FB. At first DH was irritated saying "Now your on there old boyfriends are coming out of the woodwork." But I comforted him by pointing out they are ok because the ones I Ok's were always gentlemen & I deselected them ages ago anyway. But then there are people I said no to because it was wayyy to dicey... it sounds like this guy is in that off-limits category.

If I were you I'd remove him from the friends list and tell DH you hit accept on accident. If you think something is wrong then something is wrong, trust yourself. If you think no good will come of it, no good will come of it.


Good luck

 

[Buckalew11]

You know what else bothers me about your post?

The *I may have done something stupid but it is done and I'm not going to take it back* thing. So, yeah, it IS done. You friended him. But that doesn't mean you can't (or shouldn't) go back and undo this.

It just seems so disrespectful to your DH to me that you are saying you *can't* or *won't* and that you have intense dreams about this guy and all that. But I'm sure in DISland it will all be OK and even it is not, we'd never know, lol.

 

[erincon23]

Thanks for all the advice. Actually, I think seeing his FB page and listening to his posts have actually settled the 'whatifs" -- he was a jerk then and it doesn't look like he's grown out of it, so this may be the "closure' I needed to get rid of those odd dreams I've had for 20-some years! But it was nice to see pix of his daughter.

Erin

 

[terri01p]

 

[ntsammy5]

Let's turn this around - I just was reacquanted on FB with an old GF who I hadn't seen in 42 years....... we broke up while I was in VN and never saw each other again until last fall through FB. Just a word of warning - stop it right now! I've been married 37 years and this almost led to divorce for me, it still may happen. Everyone has been hurt by this. My heart felt advice is to ignore the request.

 

[CandyMandy]

The massive growth in "older" (read: over 30) people signing up for FB is leading to more and more of these moral dillemas. That's one reason I've have stayed away from it. The other is the fact a lot of what goes on in the "nostalgia" realm of FB is the "voyeur" element or -- as one of my professional associates put it --endlessly crawling through it primarily to see who from your younger days has gotten fat or bald."

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thanks for all the advice. Actually, I think seeing his FB page and listening to his posts have actually settled the 'whatifs" -- he was a jerk then and it doesn't look like he's grown out of it, so this may be the "closure' I needed to get rid of those odd dreams I've had for 20-some years! But it was nice to see pix of his daughter.

Erin

Bad boy in high school and college can be alluring. Bad boy in adulthood not so much. There really isn't too much you can be "bad" about in adulthood, that isn't unhealthy, illegal, or off putting. In other words, "bad" would translate to annoying and as you stated "jerk(ish)".

Good that you got closure after all.

 

[FergieTCat]

Let's turn this around - I just was reacquanted on FB with an old GF who I hadn't seen in 42 years....... we broke up while I was in VN and never saw each other again until last fall through FB. Just a word of warning - stop it right now! I've been married 37 years and this almost led to divorce for me, it still may happen. Everyone has been hurt by this. My heart felt advice is to ignore the request.

I haven't seen my BF in over 22 years. He contacted me through FB (which surprised me because he broke off the relationship). He's married with 2 kids and I am willing to bet that he never told his wife about me, now or before. If I were him, I wouldn't admit to it either. If anything, he told her I'm just a "friend from high school" (we dated after college but he's friends with lots of people from our graduating class).

But ... and this is the freaky part ... he lives about 20 minutes from my mom in Florida, and apparently his in-laws live in the same gated community as she does. I am surprised we haven't inadvertantly crossed paths. Judging by his FB picture, I think I would have recognized him if we did. Of course now I'll be even more aware of people when I visit my mom.

We sent messages back and forth maybe twice, but out of respect for his wife, I'd prefer not to do it. Apparently, he doesn't want to either, which is fine by me. I even blocked him from my status updates.

As I said, I think FB is an odd corner of cyberspace.

 

[bumbershoot]

Bad boy in high school and college can be alluring. Bad boy in adulthood not so much. There really isn't too much you can be "bad" about in adulthood, that isn't unhealthy, illegal, or off putting. In other words, "bad" would translate to annoying and as you stated "jerk(ish)".

So true!


Glad that at least two people liked the video. When I got it, I wished that I had a couple certain exes as FB friends so that I could post the video with pointed messages to them!

FB is weird, but so are HS reunions.

 

[dislaney]

I can think of three people that I know that have reconnected with old boyfriends on fb. Two were married and are now not married. Op I see that you say everything is good, so that is fine, but I would be careful who I friended especially if I had unresolved feelings for someone.

 

[sbell111]

I'd defriend him. (Facebook is the debbil.)

 

[Took]

"I STILL have intense dreams about him"
"I have always wondered what if"


ummmm, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

I would probably put an end to it so there is no curious tempation for a "beginning".

Agree totally. This is not the same scenario others are describing. This isn't an "old flame" that you are vaguely curious about but really haven't given a second thought about in years. This is someone who still gets under your skin. Bad idea to be-friend him.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

\ I make sure to keep messages between us just casual like "you remember when Jimmy...." type stuff.... I have NO interest in someone elses husband so it is possible to be friends with an ex and not want to have an affair with them!

My DH's High School girlfriend sent him a request and he accepted. I absolutely HATE when she posts "remember when" stuff. Yes, I'm jealous like that.

 

[shortbun]

I may have just done a really stupid thing, but it's done and I'm not going to take it back. I've been married for more than 20 years, but a guy I dated for four years before I met my DH sent me a friend request on FB this morning. I don't have any problem being friends with old flames -- one of our best friends is DH's former serious girlfriend -- but this guy was something else. Truly a major bad boy. I STILL have intense dreams about him. I know that there was no choice but to break up when we did and have no further contact -- at least for a very long time -- but still I always have wondered what if??? DH knows about this, and I'm very open with FB at home -- I leave it open most of the time, so I know I won't get into anything secret or clandestine. But I can't help feeling that I might have gotten myself into something, ummm...

Erin

Exactly why facebook is not a good place for adults. Life is paved with good intentions gone awry.

 

[jobhunter]

Before I met DW I was in a relationship for 3+ years. We were very serious, and were actively planning a future together. We had some communications breakdowns that ultimately led us to split up. The thing was we never met to have final closure on the relationship.

Because of that I used to have a "what if" in the back of my mind. I know she's on Facebook, and she knows I'm on there. She's married with kids, I'm married with kids. Neither of us try to contact each other. There is really no need to at this point. We've both built happy and healthy lives without each other, and I think there would be little to gain if we spoke again. At the time we thought the other was "the one," but that obviously wasn't true.

I've learned that any "feelings" you have towards ex's are nothing but fond memories. A lot of times those fond memories lead people to do dumb, impulsive, things. To the OP, I would unfriend this guy and keep moving forward in your life. Past chapters in life close so that the new ones can open. It's not worth "re-reading" a chapter that could alter the happiness you've created.

Great boundaries!! I hope OP listens to you. Many red flags in her post. OP, you don't have to meet face to face to be unfaithful. No good can come of this. Best way not to get burned is not to stand too close to the fire.