Okay... Think I Could Use Some PD Now

[Magix]

So... as some of you may already know, my mom has advanced colon cancer. My family has always had a difficult time talking to each other about anything important - in fact, we usually just don't do it unless it's absolutely vital. I live at home with my parents, so it's not like we don't have the opportunity to talk - we're all right there together. But, a couple of days before Christmas, my mom was on the phone with me while I was at work and, just in passing like it was no big deal, mentioned that she didn't think she'd get any more treatment for her cancer (she was trying to get into a clinical trial, as that's all we have left to try). She mentioned how mad she was at my dad for freaking out a bit when she told him. So, okay, I kept my cool and didn't say anything - it is, after all, her decision. Though, it would have been nice to discuss it as a family to be sure her decision is coming from the right frame of mind, you know?

So here I am at work today, talking on the phone with mom, just passing the time, and she says something about my dad being upset again because of what she told him Friday. "Oh, I didn't tell you, did I?" she says. Then she goes on to say that she talked with her oncologist Friday and asked him for a rough estimate of what kind of time she had left if she didn't seek any further treatment. He told her 2-3 months. Now, granted, everyone is different and he may not be right about his estimate, so we may have a bit longer than that.

So, like I said, here I am at work. Crying. For one thing, what kind of a way is that to tell someone a thing like that?!? For another thing - I knew I'd lose my mom sometime in 2004, but I thought we'd get near the end of the year... or I hoped so, anyway. Dad and I don't have a clue how to get by without mom. We're both completely helpless. Okay, not completely, but close enough. I don't know what's going to happen to me (is that selfish to think of?) - will dad keep the house? Where will I live? I can't afford to move out - I've never understood how anyone can afford to live around here, even in an apartment. How will dad and I deal with the day-to-day stuff?

How will dad and I deal with mom and her illness as it gets worse? So many questions and fears and concerns. I need to contact my sister, who hasn't talked to our family in 12 years. I have an address for her that I went to more than a year ago and left a note that our mom was ill, but I never heard from her. Guess I should try again.

I feel like I don't have anyone to help me with this. My dad and I dont' know how to talk to each other and my friends all have problems of their own to deal with. I know they'll help me, but I don't have anyone to just be right there for me. All my friends who've gone through this sort of thing had someone there for them - a husband, boyfriend, brother or sister... All I have is my cat.

Dang it, I sound so selfish. Concerned about myself. But, I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm completely freaked out and I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I need to find a support group. It's extremely hard for me to open up and share my feelings with others, so I hope you guys will understand if this is a little scatter-brained. Could you just send a little pixie dust my way? I really need it right now...

 

[helenabear]

I lost my mom to cervical cancer 10 years ago (the 15th of this month was the anniversary). And you know, it is so hard whether the family talks a lot or not. I wish I had some sound advice for you, but I don't. I was 16 when I lost her a lot of what you said is what I felt. I can tell you, that you will survive... people have amazing strength that they didn't know existed until something like this happens. And you may not have anyone right by you, but you do have all of us here. One thing though... with your mom stopping treatment (mine did as well)... try to think why she is doing this. Treatments are rough on the body and sometimes I think it might be easier to just go through the last part of your life w/o feeling sick due to something that is supposed to be helping when you know it isn't. Did that make sense? And hang on to your cat... my baby Cleo, was a wonderful comfort to me when I had no one else to go to

Anyway, I hope I didn't sound too preachy... I've been there, and even though all that time passed, I still remember many of my fears (still carry them with me). So sending tons of PD your way, and if you need a friend to talk to, PM me

 

[Pooh93]

{{HUGS}} That is alot to handle. If possible, now is the time to start talking to your dad and mom, while she is still doing fairly well. You might be surprised at their willingness to talk. You can come here anytime you need to vent or a shoulder to lean on. I'm sure others will have better advice than me.

 

[DMickey28]

My heart and thoughts go out to you.

I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. Remember that if you ever need anything you can come here... we are always here to lend a shoulder or an ear for anything, crying or yelling...

 

[HappyMommy2]

I am so sorry. I wish I had some good advice for you!
Your family is blessed to have someone like you during this very hard time.

You don't sound selfish at all, but even if you did, it would be completely understandable--you are suffering right now! We're here to listen and are glad to be your "sounding board" as needed!

Take care of yourself; you are taking care of so many other people right now too!

Janet

 

[chell]

Hugs, prayers and pixie dust on the way to you!

 

[floridafam]

I'm so sorry.

You will get through this. Just stay strong.

We went through the same thing when my brother decided he didn't want any more treatment. My Dad was very upset and started calling all around the country trying to find someone who could do something. Part of me knew my brother was right and part of me wanted to believe we could find someone out there to help him-even though he had been to the Mayo Clinic and was receiving experimental treatments from an Oncology Center.

Your Mom is the one with the disease and even though you may not agree with her decision, you have to let her make it.

May I ask if the cancer is in her liver? I'm curious as to where the Dr. came up with the estimate from.

The doctors at Mayo also told my brother 3 months and he lived for almost 2 years after that because the expiremental things he tried helped for a while.

You will get through all of the things you mentioned-talking to your Dad, dealing with the house, etc. but the key in getting through it is being prepared. Most people don't prepare because they don't want to admit that they think something is going to happen.

I feel for you. You can PM me anytime you want. It's a horrible thing to have to go through and I am so sorry.

You said you didn't know what you were in store for if her illness gets worse. Please PM me, I just can't type everything here.
I know each person is different and will only be able to tell you what happened to my brother.

There are many wonderful support groups out there. Do you have a Ghilda's Club in your area? My Mom spent a lot of time there and still goes there sometimes. My Dad had a hard time with some of the support groups because he said they said the same thing over and over again. You just have to find the one that is right for you.

Please, don't be afraid to post when you need someone to talk to. You won't go through this alone.

Take care.

 

[oddball27]

OMG, I'm so sorry Magix!!!Sending LOADS AND LOADS of PD & Prayers to you!!!!! Just sit down with everyone and watch your beloved Barbossa...maybe he will help you

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Told Ya I'd Send Loads!!!!!! You are in my prayers!!

 

[luvindisneyworld]

My thoughts and Prayers are with you during this hard time.I lost my Grandmother in 2001 and i as the one that had been taking care of her and living with her for years and years and she decided that she did not want to go to the hospital anymore and just wanted to quit hurting and suffering,so we called Hospice and they came in and helped us with her and let her go the way she wanted too.Thatwas the hardest thing i have ever had to do and i just did not know what i was going to do without her,but you have to trust in God and stand behind your DM as hard as it is.God will put no more on you than what you can handle(My DGM use to say that all the time).Please feel free to PM me if you would like

God Bless,
Misty

 

[lynetteSC]

No advice, but lots of Pixie Dust headed your way!

 

[jipsy]

OK - if you family doesn't talk much about this kind of stuff anyway, then obviously your Mom is having a really hard time trying to tell you stuff, which is why she told you at work. Granted, it wasn't the best way to do it for you, but maybe it was the best way for her at the moment and she is the one who is sick and dying. And, she is dying. You need to accept that - both you and your father.

I'm not trying to sound uncaring - I have been in this situation myself with some very close relatives - I lost my father in a very uncanny situation and watched him being kept alive by machines for nearly a month, so I do understand and I do empathize.

But, please keep in mind, as hard as it is on you and your father, it is your mother who is losing her life and she is probably fretting over how you will get along without her, if she was your rock.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, even though you are young. Please, sit down with your father and mother and TALK ABOUT life as it is, as it is becoming (your mother dying and her pending possible funeral) and as it will be after she is gone. Whether it's house, bills, clothes, furniture, money, feelings, the past, the present, the future - TALK ABOUT IT.

As sad as it may seem to you, you may have to be the one with the "head on your shoulders" through the whole ordeal. I was the youngest of 4 and I was that person.

Your family can actually become closer than you have ever been, if you take the initiative to be the strong one. Strength comes from mysterious places; just tap into it. You all have alot of very strong emotions happening to you right now, and all of them are very hard to accept, but if you put them on a table as a family, you can deal with them as a family and I promise you, you will find more strength as a family unit than you will trying to go through this ordeal separately.

((((hugs)))) to you all.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

It double posted, sorry

 

[debster812]

Magix--I am so sorry. You do NOT sound selfish. These are things that you are going to have to deal with one way or another. I agree with Helenabear, chemo, radiation, etc are VERY hard on the body. If your mom does not feel like she can do it anymore, then maybe she can't. (I lost my best friend 6 years ago, and when she told us she was quitting her treatment, her exact words, were "I'm just too tired to fight anymore")

I too am here anytime you need to talk. Maybe by talking to us, we can help you talk to your mom and dad. I think you owe it to yourself to try to contact your sister one more time. But that's it. You need to expend your energy on helping your mom, your dad, and yourself, not chasing someone down, who may or may not want to be found...

There are so many things for you guys to think about. Hospital or Hospice? Homecare?

And you know, miracles have happened. You may have quite a bit longer than the current prognosis.

Ugh--I'm feeling all preachy too. Just know you can come here, talk to us, and try stuff out, before you talk to your folks. OK?

I'm just a PM away.

Debbie

 

[vald1977]

Magix,
I have no advice for you but I just wanted to offer a hug . Your post has touched my heart and I will be praying for you and your whole family. Please come to the dis if you feel the need to talk or vent about anything. There are really wonderful and caring people here who will listen and understand. All my best to you.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Prayers and PD for you and your family! Maybe spend some extra time with her. You'll be glad you did!

 

[Mickey's sunshine]

{{hugs}} to you. I have not expereinced anything like this so I cant offer you suggestions. Just know we are all here for you, come to us anytime.

PM those that have been through this, they may help you tremendously! Hang in there.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Magix, your words had a lump in my throat by the time I reached the end of your thoughts there. You truly sound like such a caring person, so very thoughtful, and concerned, and yes, as you said, scared. All very normal.

You have heard a lot of wonderful thoughts here from a lot of good, caring people. Know you can come here anytime and seek support, as you have here. Or, as so many have siad, myself also, send a pm or email for some individual hand-holding. That what friends are for.

Just take a day at a time, try to stay close to your mom, she is having a tough time too. Read what the folks here have said, they are all such wonderful thoughts.

If I can be of ANY help, please pm or email. My very best wishes are with you, you mom and family. You are all in my prayers.

Dan

 

[DisneyObsessed]

You have so many who care for you here. Let that be strength to you. I have lost both parents, so I know how difficult and scary it is. And it's ok to be selfish sometimes. I hope your family can open up to each other very soon so everyone knows everyones feelings. That's so important. Hugs to you and your family.

 

[Magix]

Thanks so much, everyone. All your thoughts and care truly touch me. I knew I could count on the DIS to provide a little understanding - I've seen it happen for others so many times here. This is the most caring online community I've ever had the joy to be a part of. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. I'll come to you whenever I need a little DIS magic to get me through this.

By the way, for those of you who said I'm young, thanks. I'm not as young as you might think (what with living at home and all) - heck, I can see middle-aged from here.

Thanks one more time for all your kindness. It is truly appreciated.

 

[Serena]

I'm very sorry your family is going through this. May I add that you must talk with your family about every that you are concerned about. Write a list and make them talk with you. It'll be hard, but it's much better to get things out now than to wait for later.

{{{{hug}}}}