Ok - Friendship Advice Wanted

[MosMom]

I usually don't ask the board for advice but I figured "What the heck"....

Here is the situation:

My Father-In-Law passed away unexpectedly in January and we were gone for a few weeks to his funeral and to spend time with DH's family. Less than 5 years ago DH's sister died in a car accident and I think we were all just starting to feel normal again and then this happened. Since we returned, I really feel like my head is in a fog and there is still an overwhelming sadness in the house. He died on the 13th so it hasn't even been a month yet.

Anyway, last Saturday was my friend's birthday party for her 3 year old daughter. Her daughter and my daughter are very close and my daughter was the only child going (nobody else could go). I had to work that day so she was going to take my daughter to the party (they live next door to us). Well, I get a call at work and it was her asking if my daughter was still going. I completely forgot about the party! I felt awful and apologized, I told her to hold on just a few minutes and I would have Chris throw some clothes on Mo and have her next door so she could go with them. My friend said "I don't think we can wait" and went on about how this was an important birthday and the first thing her daughter said when she woke up was "Is Moira coming to my party"...it went on and on then she hung up. So I called her back because we hadn't really established whether or not she wanted Mo to go. She was brushing her teeth when I called (which means they weren't entirely ready to leave either) and said she couldn't wait a few minutes and then she gave me the riot act for at least another 3 minutes (in this time period my daughter could have been over there to go). I said "I'm sorry but there is a lot going on in my life and I forgot" and she implied that what was going on was really nothing and I shouldn't have forgotten. My daughter didn't go.

Now, I feel bad I forgot but Mo still could have gone. She chose to hold a grudge and put her feelings in front of the kids to be a baby. I feel like a good friend would cut me a little slack but I haven't heard from her since Saturday and I really don't feel like calling her. I feel like I apologized and was willing to hustle to get my daughter to the party but she refused at that point. Frankly, I'm in a bit of shock. She has admitted she has never lost a loved one so perhaps she has no idea what it can do to you. I don't want to lose her as a friend but I'm starting to wonder if I need her in my life as a friend...

Wow, this was long. If you've read this far...what do you think?

 

[aunt lissa]

I personally think that your friend should have been more compassionate knowing what you've just gone thru. I don't think I would call my friend if we were in the same situation. It's now up to her to realize what friendship is about and understand that sometimes life gets complicated and we forget important dates. She'll probably come around after a while and realize how immaturely she handled the situation!

 

[damo]

Sounds like you both need some time. You need to heal and she needs to be less selfish. 3 year olds forgive and forget in a flash, but adults take a lot longer.

 

[FreshTressa]

A good friendship shouldn't be broken up over this.

I can see both sides of it, and I don't think either of you was really wrong. I think my feelings would be hurt if I were her, and I can see how the loss of a family member can add so much stress that you might forget something like that.

I would take her and her daughter to lunch and apologize and tell her again how hard the loss has been for you and that you appreciate her friendship and don't want this to come between you.

I think she was a little hard on you, but she was thinking of her daughters feelings and I bet once she cools off, she will realize how important the friendship is.

Sometimes we have to swallow our pride in the name of friendship.

 

[CEDmom]

First, I'm so sorry for you loss. It's impossible for anyone to grasp how the loss of a loved one can affect a person especially if someone hasn't experienced a loss themselves. Each person reacts differently and sometimes you can be fine and then BOOM grief hits you from out of nowhere.

I think this neighbor was very insensitive to your situation. I don't really understand if your DD was the only guest why she couldn't wait a few extra minutes. Where was this party that she had to leave that second. In the end all she did was hurt her own DD since she was so looking forward to your DD being at her party.

I'd either let it go or try one more time to explain your side and why her actions hurt you. My choice would be based on how much I cared to keep the friendship.

 

[CamColt]

Wow! Our neighbor forgot about our DS's party,with no good reason, like you had. She ended up calling us from the mall toward the end of the party saying she was on her way. Her kids are best friends with our kids too. I didnt get mad or snippy about it. Actually we just gave her hard time, joking around about it and stuff. I would never be mad over that, I think its more funny. Just shows how busy all us moms are.

I definitely think its your friends place to apologize here or at least make the first move. Maybe she was having a bad day and wrongly took it out on you. With all you have been through I dont see why she wouldnt cut you some slack over somthing silly like a kids birthday party. Yikes!

 

[trishy]

Your friend sounds like a selfish baby herself and she needs to apologize. Part of friendship means trying to understand what your friend is going through. She should have been patient for the sake of (1) your friendship, (2) Moira, and (3) her own daughter. She neglected 3 people here - you and the 2 girls - because of her own insensitivity. Show her this thread.

Give her some time to apologize to you and if she doesn't and you still value this friendship, talk to her about it.

So sorry about your loss

 

[Snowysmom]

I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes people who have not experienced the loss of a family member just don't understand how it can make you feel and affect your every day living. She was probably just thinking of her daughter and how she may be disappointed on her birthday. Personally, I would have waited the few minutes it would have taken your daughter to get ready. It sounds like she needs some time to think about what you are going through and how she acted. Maybe give her a call and ask her over for coffee. Talk to her about what has been happening in your life and maybe she will see that it is a big deal for your family. Since your daughters are good friends it sounds like it is worth trying to salvage this relationship. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[Rajah]

I agree with you, a good and true friend would have cut you a little slack.

I also don't understand why they couldn't wait just a few more minutes so Mo could go. Sounds like she spent more time arguing with you and giving you the "riot act" than it would have taken to just say "if she hurries, sure, we can wait a few minutes".

I'd give her some distance for a while. Not *ignore* her, per se, but I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her again.

 

[momof2inPA]

It doesn't matter who is wrong in this situation, apologize as much as it takes. There is nothing so uncomfortable as living next to someone you are on bad terms with. Call now.

 

[scarlett873]

i'm so sorry for your loss bridget...you guys have been in my thoughts...

my personal opinion...a true friend, regardless of whether or not they've lost a loved one, would have been a tad more compassionate! maybe she was having a bad day...who knows. but you apologized and tried to make the situation right. i think it's up to her to come to you and apologize for the way she's acting about it.

 

[Kimickey]

You know this may sound a little cold but I don' mean anything bad by this. It is completely understandable that you forgot about her DD birthday, you have had a lot more important things on your mind. Losing a loved one is tough and your mind tends to take you to another place. You did the right thing by apologizing once, I would try again. If she still does not want to talk to you then so be it, she will need time to get over her selfishness. As a friend I would not be bitter towards her, I would just give her, her space then try going back to talk to her. I would not shelter my daughter from hers because that just may be what get you guys talking again. Don't feel bad because you have had more serious life situations clog your mind. You are human things like this happen. I hope you guys can work things out. Good Luck!

 

[disykat]

I've had a friend forget my child's birthday party too. I didn't consider it a big deal - things happen! If you hadn't been apologetic I can see it, but it sounds like you tried to rectify the situation. She is being very selfish IMO. There comes a point in every parent's life where they have to realize that the world doesn't center around their child. You already apologized, now it's her turn! While I like Tressa's idea of you taking them out to lunch, I don't think I'd be a big enough person to do it unless she was a bit more understanding!

What's really terrible is that the child would have understood and forgiven easily with a simple "Mo's family forgot to look at the calender this morning, but she's really excited and is coming over as fast as she can".

 

[onecoolmama]

You know two things get me about this. The first is that...if her daughter was sooo excited to have your daughter there...whatever feelings the mom was having about being sad that her daughter was forgotten blah blah...it was her daughter that lost in the end. She couldn't put her own misguided feelings aside to let her daughter have fun with her friend. Did her daughter know you forgot? NO! Her daughter would have been very happy to see Mo on her b-day...and her mom wouldn't let it happen. I feel most sorry for that little girl.

Here is the other thing that bothers me...why call? If she didnt have time to wait and they were running out the door..what was the point of calling. If she really wanted your daughter to come she could have even suggested your DH meeting them at the place they were going with Mo. But she didnt call for that purpose. She called to yell at you and tell you how sad her daughter was..when the whole time..she could have rectified the situation in many ways so her daughter wouldn't be hurt. So...I mean..I hope for the girls sake that she can get over herself..becuase to me it doesn't sound like you are losing a good friend..but it sounds like your daughter is.

PS I am very sorry for your loss...and feel free to ask anything..This board has helped me out plenty of times!