Oh no - Christmas blues

[Deparfea]

They're back! How on earth do you deal with Christmas blues when Christmas is still a month away? The very thought of seeing my in-laws makes me sick to my stomach. Years and years of less than pleasant encounters with them has made me dread Christmas more and more each year. Even if I remove myself from their company this Christmas, I'm ashamed to say it bothers me to think of my husband spending time with them. I know they're his parents, but these people have hurt me more than anyone else ever could, yet my husband still believes it's his obligation to see them over the holidays. I know it's my problem and I have to understand that they're his parents. My question is how do I learn to enjoy Christmas again? Anyone out there used to dislike Christmas, but found a way to enjoy it again? I will be doing charity work around that time which does help to put things in perspective, but I can't deny I that I still look forward to January 1st. Thanks for any input or support. I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would suggest counselling, since this is such a distressing situation to you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They're back! How on earth do you deal with Christmas blues when Christmas is still a month away? The very thought of seeing my in-laws makes me sick to my stomach. Years and years of less than pleasant encounters with them has made me dread Christmas more and more each year. Even if I remove myself from their company this Christmas, I'm ashamed to say it bothers me to think of my husband spending time with them. I know they're his parents, but these people have hurt me more than anyone else ever could, yet my husband still believes it's his obligation to see them over the holidays. I know it's my problem and I have to understand that they're his parents. My question is how do I learn to enjoy Christmas again? Anyone out there used to dislike Christmas, but found a way to enjoy it again? I will be doing charity work around that time which does help to put things in perspective, but I can't deny I that I still look forward to January 1st. Thanks for any input or support. I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

Do you have any of your own family you can visit?

 

[englishteacha]

We don't visit family on any of the actual holidays. Christmas day is for just us. If it means so much to your husband to go see them, have him go on another day other than the holiday, and do something special for yourself. Go to a movie, take yourself to a nice lunch, go shopping, go get a massage or a mani-pedi...do something relaxing for yourself and let him go enjoy his family. My family is big and loud and my husband can only take them in small doses, so I'll sometimes go see them on my own and he'll do something he enjoys or wants to get done, like building in his shop or playing a computer game.

If your relationship with them is so tough for you, then I agree that seeing a counselor might be a good idea, just for your own sanity. Having someone objective to talk to can really help.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think I can kind of understand what you are talking about!
Def. been there done that.

In fact, we are like obligated to see MIL every single possible Sunday.
So, this year, all the Holidays fall mid week. Guess what.... that means that I have been just SO excited to realize that I will be traveling down to her house, not once, but twice, a week.... every week from Thanksgiving until next January after New Years. Every weekend, Every Holiday, Every 'everything', has to be this way. Not fun. She is a person who has absolutely NO joy or love or fun in her, at all. She is, just by her nature, a toxic life-sucker.... Ohhhh lovely.... Nope, I don't look forward to the holidays either.

One question.. what exactly do you mean when you say your husband will 'see them over the holidays'?

How much time does that usually involve.
How close do you live to his parents?

In general, what do the holiday plans look like, right now.

Unfortunately, yes, if they are his parents, and in some way he still feels obligated and/or loves them... I can kind of assume that he would see them over the holidays.

What I am trying to figure out is how much that should impact YOU and your holidays with your husband and immediate family.

If they are always, always, first priority and this involves a lot of time and a big negative impact on you and your time with your husband during the holidays... (do not know if any kids are involved?) That would be a big issue.

But, if he is thinking of spending a more minimal and obligatory time with his parents, and you are just personally having a strong emotional and psychological gut reaction to that, based on the fact that you feel betrayed and/or second priority, etc... Then that might be more of your own issue, for you to take ownership of and to address.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Me again...
Yes the other poster is right....
Try to find some time and opportunity over the holidays to do some things that are fun and enjoyable for just you and your husband (and kids).
Some thing, and some way to celebrate the holidays that you can look forward to! Instead of focusing on these holiday blues!!!


We have tried to to that the past few years.
This year, finances are super tight, and we are looking and saving for our vacation in April. (a more expensive vacation this year) That plus all the normal expenses, Christmas gifts for DS, all the food and supplies, etc... No nice plans for this year... sigh.....

 

[Maggie Lizer]

I think I can kind of understand what you are talking about!
Def. been there done that.

In fact, we are like obligated to see MIL every single possible Sunday.
So, this year, all the Holidays fall mid week. Guess what.... that means that I have been just SO excited to realize that I will be traveling down to her house, not once, but twice, a week.... every week from Thanksgiving until next January after New Years. Every weekend, Every Holiday, Every 'everything', has to be this way. Not fun. She is a person who has absolutely NO joy or love or fun in her, at all. She is, just by her nature, a toxic life-sucker.... Ohhhh lovely.... Nope, I don't look forward to the holidays either.

One question.. what exactly do you mean when you say your husband will 'see them over the holidays'?

How much time does that usually involve.
How close do you live to his parents?

In general, what do the holiday plans look like, right now.

Unfortunately, yes, if they are his parents, and in some way he still feels obligated and/or loves them... I can kind of assume that he would see them over the holidays.

What I am trying to figure out is how much that should impact YOU and your holidays with your husband and immediate family.

If they are always, always, first priority and this involves a lot of time and a big negative impact on you and your time with your husband during the holidays... (do not know if any kids are involved?) That would be a big issue.

But, if he is thinking of spending a more minimal and obligatory time with his parents, and you are just personally having a strong emotional and psychological gut reaction to that, based on the fact that you feel betrayed and/or second priority, etc... Then that might be more of your own issue, for you to take ownership of and to address.

May I ask you a question, and this is in no way confrontational or disrespectful, but you really seem to have major problems with your in-laws (not based on this post alone, but just an observation of things you have said in the past, etc.), yet you say you are "obligated" to see them so often. Does your DH choose his parents over you? Because when I had issues with MIL (she is an alcoholic and used to drink and pick fights all the time), DH decided to confront her and we stopped seeing them for a long time, until she got sober. I hate to think of someone in a situation in which their spouse doesn't stick up for them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

May I ask you a question, and this is in no way confrontational or disrespectful, but you really seem to have major problems with your in-laws (not based on this post alone, but just an observation of things you have said in the past, etc.), yet you say you are "obligated" to see them so often. Does your DH choose his parents over you? Because when I had issues with MIL (she is an alcoholic and used to drink and pick fights all the time), DH decided to confront her and we stopped seeing them for a long time, until she got sober. I hate to think of someone in a situation in which their spouse doesn't stick up for them.

Okay, you are being respectful, and yes, I have posted before to folks who I see are in similar situations that I have faced. So, not to hijack this thread... but just to clarify.

I do think that I can say that, Yes, for quite some time, DH did in many ways, put his parents before me as his wife. That was something that I had to learn from and to come to terms with. To be specific, my FIL was the worse. And there was one big incident with FIL in particular, the straw that broke the camels back, where I did have to speak with my husband, draw some huge lines, and I told my husband that I could not continue to do this, and that if he continued to put his parents first, when I, and my son, were being very negatively affected... That it would be a game-changer for our marriage.

Now, at this time, FIL has passed away.
MIL is elderly.
It is a slightly different situation, where he does actually feel obligated. This is a woman who has set her situation up to where she has nothing or nobody else, in her life. Period. So, I do not feel that I could begin to ask my husband to ignore his basic feeling of obligation to his mom.

And, while, yes, DH may never have been able to completely and totally cut the apron strings.... at this time, if push comes to shove, I do feel like he would put me first. If not, I do not know how I could continue to be in that kind of a marriage.

I just do not think that, in any case, except for maybe the most drastic, one can try to get in the middle and control their spouse, etc.... I think, for the OP, there is probably room for some compromise.

 

[okeydokey]

Okay, you are being respectful, and yes, I have posted before to folks who I see are in similar situations that I have faced. So, not to hijack this thread... but just to clarify.

I do think that I can say that, Yes, for quite some time, DH did in many ways, put his parents before me as his wife. That was something that I had to learn from and to come to terms with. To be specific, my FIL was the worse. And there was one big incident with FIL in particular, the straw that broke the camels back, where I did have to speak with my husband, draw some huge lines, and I told my husband that I could not continue to do this, and that if he continued to put his parents first, when I, and my son, were being very negatively affected... That it would be a game-changer for our marriage.

Now, at this time, FIL has passed away.
MIL is elderly.
It is a slightly different situation, where he does actually feel obligated. This is a woman who has set her situation up to where she has nothing or nobody else, in her life. Period. So, I do not feel that I could begin to ask my husband to ignore his basic feeling of obligation to his mom.

And, while, yes, DH may never have been able to completely and totally cut the apron strings.... at this time, if push comes to shove, I do feel like he would put me first. If not, I do not know how I could continue to be in that kind of a marriage.

I just do not think that, in any case, except for maybe the most drastic, one can try to get in the middle and control their spouse, etc.... I think, for the OP, there is probably room for some compromise.

Think of how nice it would be to stay home when he goes to visit them, at least every other time. Do you HAVE to go?

OP, if the visit is just one day, you can choose to do something just for yourself that day. Make it something fun.

 

[SarahWeasley]

You -- and your husband, and everyone else on the planet -- ALWAYS have a choice about what you do and who you spend time with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for resenting that your DH chooses to spend time with people who (apparently) treat you horribly. There's no law of physics that dictates that people who share DNA are magnetically sucked together until they end up in the same room on December 25 each year.

It's also true that there can be good reasons to spend time with people you don't like. But "they're faaaaaamily" is not a reason, not a honest one. "I would feel guilty if I didn't see them" is a reason, although it prompts the question of why he doesn't feel guilty about making you see people who (again, apparently) choose to be horrible, or about leaving you home alone to go see them. "They would be really annoying if I didn't see them" is a reason, but that doesn't mean he's not making the CHOICE that he would rather see them, with the consequences that brings, rather than avoid seeing them and deal with the consequences THAT brings.

What really bothers me about your post is that you seem to think it's your fault for minding that your husband wants to spend time with people who choose to treat you badly. The fact that he's related to those people doesn't mean your feelings are irrelevant.

 

[usnuzuloose]

What I learned a long time ago is that the husband is to take care of his wife. That is his first obligation. Please don't take this the wrong way. I had a MIL who actually hit me, and they lived with us. I finally told the husband at the time they have to go and he needs to stand up for me. He just stood there and said nothing. Please get yourself in counseling to learn how to deal with it , even if your DH won't go. Just because they are your inlaws does not mean you have to subject yourself to the toxic situation. I feel your situation. But you can do something for it.

I am no longer married to this man , but after counseling for many things I am finally being healed in my heart. I care about what happens to you! Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Try to find some ways to relieve stress, if you can go and get a massage. Or treat yourself to something with some friends.

 

[DarthMama]

I can relate -- and share a story that is funny now (many many years after it happened). My grandparents (dad's side) were, well, nasty people and we lived in the same town as they did -- so every holiday was with them. My mom always dreaded the holidays but did her best to grin & bear it. When I was 3, I caught the chicken pox on Christmas Eve. Mom & I stayed home while dad & the other kids went to the grandparents' house. For years, I could remember my mom being so very cheery then, even though she had to deal with an extremely sick child on Christmas.

It took me over 30 years to realize that Mom had a better time hanging out with a sick kid than she would have at the grandparents' house! My Mom really laughed when I told her I had it all figured out.

 

[lovin'fl]

Well, I could post a book about my inlaws and the issues I've had. I met my DH at college in 1993 and we were married in 1996 and had DS in 1997 and moved from MD to NC in 1998 and had our twins in 1999. My DH has 2 older sisters. They and his mom are....how should I say...strong personalities and like to take charge (DH and his father have been trained to let them run the show and not speak up). They are not bad people and there is no substance abuse or physical altercations...just hasn't been easy being married to 'their baby boy' and being a non-blood woman in the family. There have been times we stopped seeing and speaking to some of them but DH has always wanted to work things out (wanted me to forget and move on like nothing ever happened...which I do...for him and my 3 kids).

We used to live 5 hours away from all our family and would come back home for Xmas...which would mean we'd have to stay at inlaws house or my mom's (parents'- when my dad was alive). We had to alternate parents, DH made us, though I just wanted to stay at my parents' house every time. It was sooooo hard...and my kids were little then too (we moved back home in 2007...when my kids were older). A year after my dad died, my mom started dating a guy that was horrible (abusive, nuts and a freeloader) so we stopped staying at her house when visiting and stayed with MIL/FIL every time...ugghhh, those were a couple miserable years.

Anyway, it was tough and I dreaded the holidays with the 5 of us staying with MIL/FIL (I dread them now, but more because of all the work I have ahead of me). In the past 2 years, I have come to terms with my inlaws. My DH NEVER stood up for me and the last big blow up with his family, in March 2009, almost broke up our marriage. Around Xmas time of 2010, I swallowed all pride and let go of everything so DH and our kids could see the inlaws again and we went to the family Xmas dinner. We since keep his family at arms length and they have seemed to come to terms with that and don't really push back anymore. OP, I really don't know how to tell you to do it. It takes a lot of swallowing and forgetting and overlooking and being agreeable (while knowing you really don't agree). You really have to just have that mentality of 'it's not worth it...life is too short' which so many people frequently give as an answer to so many other threads on here. I used to think 'oh, pooey...what a dumb blanket answer' but it kind of is what I did in regards to my inlaw issues.

 

[Iforgetmypassword]

They're back! How on earth do you deal with Christmas blues when Christmas is still a month away? The very thought of seeing my in-laws makes me sick to my stomach. Years and years of less than pleasant encounters with them has made me dread Christmas more and more each year. Even if I remove myself from their company this Christmas, I'm ashamed to say it bothers me to think of my husband spending time with them. I know they're his parents, but these people have hurt me more than anyone else ever could, yet my husband still believes it's his obligation to see them over the holidays. I know it's my problem and I have to understand that they're his parents. My question is how do I learn to enjoy Christmas again? Anyone out there used to dislike Christmas, but found a way to enjoy it again? I will be doing charity work around that time which does help to put things in perspective, but I can't deny I that I still look forward to January 1st. Thanks for any input or support. I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way.

I would suggest counselling, since this is such a distressing situation to you.

I agree with Disney Doll. If it's been like this for "years and years", you should get some help. Help that a message board can't provide.

I'm curious, though, you really can't tolerate your husband spending some time with his parents? I'd call that "ME" time! I'd curl up on the couch, pop in a trashy dvd, fix some popcorn and a big glass of wine, and enjoy the heck out of that time he's visiting them! Unless-well, how long DOES he visit them? A few hours? A few days? Weeks?

 

[Peanut Giggleface]

I can totally relate. My MIL has always had Christmas at her house and at first we went every year. But just as you said, she has said and done so many things to hurt me over the years, I no longer go.

One year it was so bad I decided I'd had enough and left on Christmas day. It was a couple hour's drive from their house to ours so my husband had to come with me. We didn't talk the entire way home. Finally just as we drove into the driveway, my husband asked me why I ruined his mother's christmas. Not to mention my christmas was ruined as well. I told him then I was tired of taking a back seat to his mother/family. I was his wife and if I didn't come first in his life I would file for divorce. He got really quiet and slept in the spare bedroom that night. The next morning he told me he agreed that's the way it should be and he would try.

Over the years he's gotten a lot better. Since we've had kids, Christmas is always at our house. We go over to their house either before or after the big day and sometimes they come to our place, but never on Christmas day.

I agree to get some counseling.

 

[barneyda]

Did your Mom end up with "Mr Creepy"?

 

[ksjayhawks]

Sounds like you and dh need to do some couples counseling. If dealings with the inlaws affect you this much, they have been horrible to you, and yet dh wants to spend time with them, there are more problems than christmas blues.

You need to speak with someone who can help you work through these feelings and come up with ways to deal with them constructively. You also need to find out why dh thinks it is okay for them to treat you this way and why he still wants to see them at the holidays if they have treated you badly. that is a major red flag to me in what you are sharing.

 

[ChiCat]

I can definitely feel your pain. I've had full blown panic attacks around my inlaws, heck I've had panic attacks just driving to their town (they live in another state thankfully). We've had a rocky start, mostly they judged me without getting to know me, and did NOT want dh to marry me. Now they like/love me but I've had a HARD time getting over my anxiety of being around them. I was taking xanax illegally with my therapist approval (yes I did see a therapist) and still had panic attacks! It ended up being I increased my dosage so much I was pretty much high around them in order to not have panic attacks.

Dh and I had a heart to heart and decided we obviously could NOT continue that path. I didn't want to take drugs illegally, I didn't want to be high just to be around them. So we did the unthinkable and we sat down with ALL of my inlaws and told them the truth, that I was having major panic attacks from being around them, and I was taking so much xanax to stop them that I was high around them.

It didn't get better but at least they knew if I ditched out quickly it was for a reason. I just went down for Thanksgiving and it was the best time I've ever had down there, meaning I had NO panic attacks and I wasn't miserable, angry, sad and so on like I had been in the past. I don't know what changed I just hope I continue on this better path.

I will probably never go down there for Christmas and told them that. I just can't do it. I love Christmas and I just can't spend Christmas with them. They are an amazing family for my DH and he loves them dearly and vice versa which is why I will go down there ANY other time.

I also understand not wanting him to go see them by himself. It's selfish I know. But I want them to know he and I are a family too and our family comes first. And I want them to know they can't treat me badly for no reason(they don't anymore) and still have him whenever they want him.

Anywho I definitely feel your pain I used to start getting anxious the week before I would see them!

 

[Deparfea]

Thanks to everyone for your responses, suggestions and personal experiences. It's sad that so many of us have had struggles with our inlaws. I guess the ole stereotype was created with good reason.

Dh and I went to therapy with my inlaws and it was a resounding disaster. My inlaws were dragged into it by us, absolutely believing it was 100% MY fault and that they've done nothing to contribute to the crumbling relationship. Progress cannot be made when one party admits to no wrong doing. I did admit to making mistakes along the way. But instead of them receiving that information as my attempt at extending the olive branch, they chose to jump on it as affirmation of their position. If I had made mistakes, they obviously hadn't. *sigh*

Dh and I continued with couples therapy but we found it exhausting. We both accept that his parents will never change which is why I no longer go to visit except for big family events. My struggle is with dh spending ANY time with his parents which is admittedly selfish on my part. In one year, he probably spends 16hrs with them in total (spread over 4 or 5 visits). While he's there, instead of enjoying some ME time or have fun with the kids or other family members, I feel hurt that dh is choosing to be with the people who have profoundly hurt me. He insists that he doesn't LIKE spending time with them anymore, but feels he should see them for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc... My head understands this, but my heart still hurts. I've gone to a therapist to talk about my feelings, but I'm just so tired of crying about it. The bottom line is that he'll always continue to see them for a few hours, a handful of times a year. I have got to learn to accept it. Thanks to all of you for your input!!

 

[low-key]

one word "Vegas"