Oh my dear MIL has decided

[luvmyfam444]

my dd MUSt have the latest in shoes....she had a conversation with dd @ the end of the school year (when we weren't around) about shoes & what everone is wearing & promised my dd she would buy them for her.

I have a problem with it 'cause dd has NEVER mentioned anything that other kids wear except to the MIL - the MIL brought it up to me that dd MUST have the $80 shoes. So I question dd about why - who wears them - she named twin girls (so that's EVERYONE - ya know!)

Last year we went thru this with MIL promising DD a Northface jacket - now everyone IS wearing that jacket - I knew that myself 'cause I did see them all over.

Again , MIL just promises dd & then tells me "I promised her, I can't go back on my word" WHAT!???? so who's fault is it for promising her?

My question is when my MIL is gonna draw the line - if dd says everyone has a $200+ cell phone - is she gonna get that for her? what about a laptop? She's just going into 6th grade for crying out loud!!!! Can't I still make the decisions without someone else trying to brainwash my child into thinking she MUSt have the latest thing?

I have talked dd out of the shoes for the moment - though MIL still says she's buying them....got MIL to buy some other ones when we went over the weekend

Thanks for letting me vent....

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm not sure I understand the issue -- is it that she's promising but not following through? Or is it that she is following through but you don't want her buying fad things for your DD? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes with it, but I'm not sure that I'd have a problem with my MIL wanting to get things for my kids. I guess it would be nice to have a happy middle ground! My MIL gets nothing for them and yours gets too much. Can't we meet in the middle?

 

[sbell111]

You need to get your daughter to tell her that all of her friends mommies drive Lexuses (Lexi?).

 

[Sherrypooh]

a mom and get where you are coming from, but am going to be a grandma one day. I am sure I will want to "do extra" from time to time that might seem like it is a waste, but it is a grandmas job to do the spoiling from time to time. Maybe I am misreading it, but I just take it as she is doing something special for your child. Sorry if this is not the answer or I am misunderstanding things.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Yep - its the fad thing - actually she doesn't buy much for the kids -except for holidays/b'days....

I just wasn't wanting to deal with trends until dd brought it up to ME & probably not until middleschool years...

dd still has never mentioned wanting the shoes to me or her father - she just showed them to me when we were shopping & of course she didn't want the same style in a cheaper brand it was the brand specifically.

ANd we buy NOTHING name brand - well maybe toothpaste - but that's about it....

 

[Darcy03231]

If Grandma wants to buy the shoes and can afford them, why not? I wouldn't have an issue of my exMIL or mother wanted to buy something that my kids want and I either can't or won't buy, as long as they can afford it.

 

[luvmyfam444]

"can afford it" is a whole other issue - she can as long as she charges it...

And what about the other 2 kids? she hasn't offered to buy them $80 shoes....

 

[momof1princess]

i know how you feel, but in my case, my mother CANNOT afford it. if yours can, please encourage her to limit her spending. you might also mention to your DD that it's okay to mention special things she wants to grandma occasionally, but it's not okay to go running to her whenever she wants something. my mother is in serious financial trouble, but feels she needs to bring DD something whenever she comes over. i've talked til i'm blue in the face, and it falls on deaf ears.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If 'shoes' and a 'jacket' are your biggest gripes w/ MIL...
Get down on your knees and thank the good lord!!!!!

PS: If other things that you truly have an objection to your daughter having (expensive electronics.. like cellphones to text all day, etc..) come back then....

But, until then, thank your lucky stars!!!

PS: I would tell MIL that you know she loves DD, and you are happy to let her spoil just a little bit... But, tell her that you prefer she might run things by you before making promises...

It is the 'talking and promising DD' behind your back that is the only concern I see so far.

 

[karibritt01]

I love it when my MIL buys things for my kids. They usually get nicer things, and I don't have to work it into the budget. I can count on her for several pairs of Levis and a few Old Navy or Gap shirts for my DS, and some Gymboree outfits for my DD. Last year she bought both kids some Sketchers at the beginning of the school year. To me, it isn't the name brand that they are getting , but the quality. And free to me is always helpful!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have talked dd out of the shoes for the moment - though MIL still says she's buying them....got MIL to buy some other ones when we went over the weekend

WHY??????

Sorry, but this sounds like a very controlling and also very frustrating way to handle the situation... Do you have to be so personally intimately involved in something like a pair of shoes????

One day I can see your daughter AND your mother in law going

 

[dismom2]

"can afford it" is a whole other issue - she can as long as she charges it...

And what about the other 2 kids? she hasn't offered to buy them $80 shoes....

I suppose if she wants to dish out the money, and it makes her feel good to buy things for her, I wouldn't worry about that too much, just let her. Although, if she is singling your one child out and only buying things for her, I would not like that. My MIL used to favor one of my kids, but she doesn't do that anymore, thankfully.

 

[karibritt01]

And what about the other 2 kids? she hasn't offered to buy them $80 shoes....

That does change things tremendously! I had to put my foot down with my MIL for that as well. She would invite DS to sleepover at her house, to the movies, even to go visit cousins for a weekend stay... but not invite DD. When DD reached 3 and began to understand that she was being left out, then I told MIL he was no longer allowed to go unless BOTH kids would be going. And even then, she tried the game of calling DH if I said no. Until the time she called him on his cell as soon as she hung up from calling me... we were sitting together on the couch.

Just put your foot down and tell her you are sorry that she made the promise, but she has to do for all kids or none at all. If she buys them anyway because of the promise, refuse the gift or return them. Then let her know that she in effect punished your DD because the gift had to be returned. Harsh the first time, but will most likely stop the problem in its tracks.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I suppose if she wants to dish out the money, and it makes her feel good to buy things for her, I wouldn't worry about that too much, just let her. Although, if she is singling your one child out and only buying things for her, I would not like that. My MIL used to favor one of my kids, but she doesn't do that anymore, thankfully.

Is this clear 'favoritism'... Or will she also, at some point, offer something nice to the other children?

I am TOTALLY against any true favoritism...
But, siblings are individual human beings...
Your DD should be able to have a relationship with her grandmother, and occasional girl-shopping one-on-one, without her siblings.
As long as, at some point, siblings also get the same perks....

If there is favoritism going on, then yes, you do have a valid complaint...

And, NOTE, this has NOTHING to do with which pair of shoes dd and MIL have picked out!!!!!

Completely barking up the wrong tree with that.

The OP should re-examine her priorities and the issues here.
Her objection seemed to be her own personal issues with the expensive shoes...
I would be very thankful if my MIL helped to keep my DS in nice shoes!!!!

 

[JessicaR]

My mother buys my kids things that I usually wouldnt. Makes us both happy.

 

[C.Ann]

DD's MIL does this with my DGD all the time.. DD and her DH look at it as "It's her money and she can buy whatever she wants with it.." Of course there are certain guidelines she has to follow - like the time she bought DGD all kinds of "Bratz's" things for Christmas - knowing that DGD's parents wouldn't allow them - and MIL had to return them all before Christmas and purchase different items.. (DGD didn't ask for them - MIL just saw they were all the rage and went ahead and bought them..)

Now you would think this would make DGD spoiled and demanding - right? Not at all.. She doesn't ask me or her parents to purchase "fad" items or specific name brands and is always very happy with whatever we give her..

I think unless it's something you have issues with (suggestive clothing; inappropriate items for her age; etc.) there's really no harm in allowing grandma to spend her money as she pleases..

 

[NotUrsula]

I have a bit of a different take on this, because my 12 yo has Asperger's.
I personally don't want DS getting into the whole "fad" thing in terms of clothing if I can prevent it. He's a kid who is easily led into trouble, and this is an important part of teaching him that it is OK and even admirable to buck the trend and be his own person. We teach that the proper reasons to buy an article of clothing are because 1) that particular item has physical properties that you need that you cannot get with something else, like quality or fit, or 2) you want that certain thing because YOU like it, not because someone else does.

We go over the prices of things, and I point out to him that when he has X amount of dollars, he can get more things that matter to him if he ignores labels. At this point he is absorbing the idea that it is a lot more logical to get shoes AND a new video game for the money than just shoes, and that it is easily done by buying a different brand of shoes that still feel good and look good to him. If Grandma goes out and buys the name brand shoes for him without his having to make the choice, then Grandma has just torpedoed my whole hard-fought money management lesson.

The other problem with her doing it is that by doing so, she has allowed DS to manipulate her in a way that we have tried to teach him not to do, because it isn't morally right to manipulate people that love you for personal gain. When she tries to buy his love this way (by buying something that Mom and Dad have said is a waste of money), he gets the idea that it is OK to buy affection, and the next thing we know, he's emptying out his bank account to buy a gift for someone he hardly knows, in order to try to bribe that person to be his friend.

We really don't mind if Grandma spoils him a bit, but we just want her to be aware of his reasoning and to make a conscious effort not to undermine lessons we are trying to teach.

Oh, and as for doing certain things for only one child, I think it's fine as long as each child gets a turn to be the object of Grandma's largesse. Getting one-on-one attention from a grandparent is a nice thing, and often something that parents have difficulty making time for.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If my mom or MIL buys something, we say thank you and then that is it. I would keep the shoe issue between them. Since you don't buy trends it won't be an issue for you. The answer will be no or get a job (when she is older).

For example....my dd is going off to college this fall.

My mother has been out buying things like crazy. She can't afford it.

However my take on it at 44 is, my mom is 71, if she wants to shop for dd, I don't care anymore. I used to, now I just look at it as something not to get worked up about.

 

[cheermom1]

I don;t think anything that any of you are talking about is the issue here. i think it has to do with the mil pushing fads onto the girl like I MUST have this b/c mil has planted it in her head. the op did state that mil asked the kid what all the other kids are wearing so now she has to have that shoe. but before mil said anything the kid didn't even think about it...

that is the issue and the one that the op needs to address with her mil.

op talk to your hubby and mil about this and try to work something out..

 

[jen0610]

Our issue with my mother buying both our kids things, is she feels she can dictate what is done with those items.

She bought DS14 a pair of tennis shoes. A CHEAP pair of tennis shoes. He'd had them 1 week, wore to school every day. Went to grandma's on Saturday and she lost it on him. There was a scuff on the toe and a small bit of mud/dirt that had dried on the bottom of the sole. She went on and on about the good money she spent to buy him a pair of shoes for him to ruin them and for us to let him ruin them. It was normal wear and tear. She fully expects him to come home any time he wears them and clean them. It's not going to happen by him or us. She really hit the fan, when 3 months later he completly blew the heel out of the one shoe. Went on about how if he took better care of his shoes, they would last. NO...if you spent more than 20.00 bucks on a pair of quality shoes, they would last longer.

DD had a growth spirt last winter and serously out grew every pair of jeans she owned, but 1. It was during the time when DH was off on short term disability. We didn't have a lot of extra money, but I went out and got her 2 other pairs to get us thru the winter. It had been about 2 weeks since I had gotten her the new jeans, when she came home from grandmas with a pair on that I had not seen before. Asked where those came from, said grandmas stash...she didn't like the ones I had gotten her. Went over a few days later and went into the spare bedroom at mom's, open the dresser and there are 6-7 pairs of jeans that she had gotten for DD because she didn't like the ones I bought, plus others she had on hand but never said a word and let us spend money on buying jeans that DD didn't really need, seeing as she had serveral brand new pair just sitting a grandmas house. DD asked if she could take a couple pairs home and was told no. Those were for her to wear when she was with grandma, not for her to take home and trash.

Grandma has two dressers full of clothes and a closet full that DD and DS have not worn or have barely worn, because she refused to sent it to our home. She holds onto it, for when they are with her. Then she rants and raves about all the money she wastes on clothes. Wouldn't happen if you would just send the things home when she buys them. There are two very cute short outfits that DD will probably never wear, becasue she has spent ZERO days over at grandmas this summer and grandma will not let her bring them home.