oh geesh--in the dog house with my mother!!! (VERY LONG)

[Lauralee]

Congrats on the new baby!

Sounds like the relationship with your mom is a very difficult, convoluted one....sorry you have to deal with that. But ya know the old saying..."You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family."

My only comment is that, all things considered, I would have taken the time to pick up the phone and call her with the baby announcement BEFORE telling anybody else (husband and kids excluded). It hurt her feelings to be lumped into the mass mailing, and then to not even receive the email because of an error..... In my opinion, the woman who gave birth to you (even though she is a royal pain-in-the-neck) deserved this small act of respect.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, my MIL is paranoid schizophrenic and we treat her as if she has a mental illness because she does.

We take special care when we do share information because of her illness. She can think alot of weird thoughts if not presented right.

So it is hard for me to read that your mother suffers from mental illness and you do not take that into account when dealing with her.

Now I am not saying to take abuse or anything, but I am saying you may need to show more compassion when dealing with her esp. when you have "big news". Esp. as they get older. My own mother is 71 and driving me up the wall.

 

[Disney Doll]

Like I said OP, don't engage cuz you won't win.

 

[Brit17]

I did it with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies to PARENTS AND SIBLINGS.

I didn't send her a " to everyone in the world announcement" on facebook. I had no idea her e-mail bounced until this morning.

She tried to send an email to her mother announcing the pregnancy, and did not know her Mom no longer had email. Since this is the way she announced the other 3 pregnancies, and the Mom had no complaints, I don't see anything wrong with it. Not rude and tacky at all.

It's not how I would tell my mother, but every family is different and has their own way of doing things.

But, unless I'm misunderstanding something, the OP's Mom didn't receive the e-mail regarding the OP's current (4th) pregnancy ... instead, her Mom learned about it along with everyone else on Facebook ... so therefore, personally, I can understand how this would be upsetting for the OP's Mom ...

But I guess a lesson could be learned by everyone here: 1. If you're going to opt to make an important personal annoucement to your love ones via e-mail, make sure the e-mail address is valid & accurate first; and/or 2. Don't rely on e-mail, facebook, twitter, etc. when making those important announcements, just pick up the good ol' fashioned telephone ...

Congrats on the new baby ...

 

[bumbershoot]

Since my mom died before I even met hubby, I haven't had experience in this, but I personally cannot imagine the embarrassment of calling my mom about a pregnancy. And it was worse with my dad.

So everyone got an email with DS. And if they weren't happy with it, oh well! It's how I communicate, especially info like "we had unprotected s*x and now this is happening in my personal bits and pieces".

I'm easily embarrassed.


Are you sure the email bounced? You sure SHE didn't just mess up?


This kind of reaction and nonsense sounds like something to just ignore and move on from, honestly....

 

[sbell111]

I'm going to stick up for the email thing too. My family is more likely to email important things than not. We send it to family only, but it's a way of letting everyone know at the same time. (Although they retrieve it at different times) If you start with the round of phone calls, invariably someone isn't answering and you don't get back to them before someone else calls them and tells them.

It sounds like your family has often used email as a point of contact. Canceling your email without telling family and then being upset because they aren't contacting you just isn't reasonable.

Simply put it back on your mom. "Gee mom, I certainly didn't mean to hurt you. I emailed you along with everyone else. You apparently changed your email without telling me and I got a bounce back today after I received your facebook message."

Personally I think it's worse that your mom is picking fights with you on facebook than you sending news via a family email.

I completely agree.

My family tends to share news via email. Therefore, when we felt that it was likely that our baby was going to go the distance, I emailed my family. No on got bent about it.

Given that the OP's mother is one of her facebook 'friends', she was told at the same time as everyone else. Therefore, I don't understand her beef.

I would not allow her drama to affect me.

 

[ols386]

But, unless I'm misunderstanding something, the OP's Mom didn't receive the e-mail regarding the OP's current (4th) pregnancy ... instead, her Mom learned about it along with everyone else on Facebook ... so therefore, personally, I can understand how this would be upsetting for the OP's Mom ...

But I guess a lesson could be learned by everyone here: 1. If you're going to opt to make an important personal annoucement to your love ones via e-mail, make sure the e-mail address is valid & accurate first; and/or 2. Don't rely on e-mail, facebook, twitter, etc. when making those important announcements, just pick up the good ol' fashioned telephone ...

Congrats on the new baby ...

I understand what you are saying....but the Mom should have let her daughter know if her e-mail address was inactive, or deleted, or whatever. And after the daughter explained to her mom that she HAD INDEED sent her an email, but it didn't go through, the mom could have been a bit more understanding...but it also sounds to me like the mom maybe has some mental issues or something.

And as stated earlier, for some families, this is the norm...to send email rather than using the phone.

 

[EMom]

OP - I get it. My mom is like this too. No matter what you do it's not good enough. She reemed me the day I got home with the baby because she hadn't seen pictures yet. She reemed me for my uncle getting his Christmas card first - but he got just a card and she was getting a package. There is also the guilt at visiting her. I totally see my mother in your post.

Being away from her helps so much. I've learned she doesn't matter in my day to day life and it doesn't get to me asmuch anymore. I know she is happiest when she isn't happy, so I go with it. Yes mother dear. Feel better now. Good.

Hopefully you will be able to brush it off and go back to being happy about your pregnancy. Congrats!

I agree! Clearly, we are in the minority, since so many seem to be focused on the fact that that OP notified the assorted parents via email and don't seem to grasp the significance of the rest of the post.

I, for one, would never have announced a pregnancy to the parents via email, but there are plenty of folks who find that sort of thing perfectly acceptable. The OP indicated that her past two pregnancies were also announced via email and her mother was fine with that method for #2 and #3. So she used the same method for #4. It's not the OP's fault her mother let her email account go by the wayside. Sounds like Mama has some communication issues herself. Believe me, from the rants she's laid out, if Mama had any venting to do about being notified via email regarding the past two pregnancies, my money says there's no way on God's green earth she would have kept her mouth shut about it all these years. What??? Miss an opportunity to let her DD know yet ANOTHER way in which she has fallen short as a daughter? You've got to be kidding. This is not a woman who keeps her gripes to herself, as far as I can tell. No, she vents freely and publicly.

If you have not had experience with this sort of mother (or in my case, MIL) then thank your lucky stars, my friends. As the poster above said, NOTHING is ever good enough for them. If the OP had phoned all the parents to tell them the pregnancy news, Mama would have gritched unless she was the very FIRST one to be told. Even then, the OP might have heard, "Well, I don't know when I'll ever get to see this new baby since you never come to see me." With parents like these, you get tired of knocking yourself out, only to fall short of their impossible standards. You can't MEET the standards, because they are amorphous.....That way, Mama can move the yardstick at the last minute and you'll still fail to meet her expectation and demands, because she changed the goal as the clock ran out.

Why do they do this? My theory, after knowing MIL for decades, was that she was a fundamentally unhappy person who simply could not be made happy, no matter what. She wanted to be happy, but since she could not do it for herself, she looked to her children to make her happy. But since she was INCAPABLE of being happy, it was IMPOSSIBLE for them to make her happy. So no matter what they did for her, they were doomed to disappoint her every time, because they "failed" to make her happy.

When I read the OP's post, it was plain as day to me. You learn to recognize these people once you've had one in your life. Even if the OP had not committed these "transgressions," her mother would simply find/ make up more to hold against her. It is common for people like this to be narcissistic and paint themselves as the victim. Maybe that's the case with the OP's mother. I know my MIL was very childlike and you cannot reason with a childlike person. I told my DH years ago to accept that he would never satisfy his mother, no matter what he did, so he needed to DROP that goal.


So let it roll off your back and enjoy the pregnancy.

 

[Inigo]

No doubt. She saw my facebook message I posted 12 hours later to let my friends know. (I've been sick for 2 weeks and people do begin to worry.)

I do not know why her e-mails don't work anymore. I resent the message to an alternate e-mail and it didn't work either this morning.

I know everyone is reeming me for an e-mail announcement, but this is our 4th child and the rest of my parents as my husbands parents don't seem to be offended to not receive a personal phone call.

Well, I think this is your mother's issue and not yours. If I were you, I'd just say, "Mom, I sent you an e-mail at (her old e-mail address). It's not my fault. If you don't like it, sorry, but I'm a grown up and that's what I decided to do."

 

[sunnyday123]

Okay, I did read your whole post but am I understanding this correctly? You announced your pregnancy to your mom via a group email?

Yea, I read it too. That in of itself would be enough to send my Mother into a rage for the entire 9 months, 4th baby, 11th baby, whatever.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Emom, you got it right!!!!
Hit the nail right on the head....
I am sure the OP appreciates your understanding!


However, for anyone who is not seasoned and experienced with this kind of mother/mil/whatever, they probably can't fully understand such an incomprehensible thing.

OP, I think you know that no matter what you did... you would still be in the same exact situation with your mother as you are now, and as you always have been.... Heck, even if you had personally called her on the phone during the moment of conception she would already have found something else to dump on you.... as the other poster said... "You can't come tell me this in person..... " yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada.... (couldn't fit enough 'yadas' into one posting!!!)

Anyhow, as one earlier poster said, you have to be able to look at this thru the viewpoint that your mother is simply not always a normal, psychologically healthy, person.

Once you accept this truth... 110%, and adjust your expectations of her, and adjust your dealings with her accordingly, you will see how the truth can, indeed, be soooooo freeing.

 

[Tink888]

This is our 4th child and yes, the e-mail was sent to our whole family (parents and siblings--not the rest of the world). I do not see the issue with this. We opted to not do phone calls and really never did with any of our others that i can recall except maybe the first.

She's upset that she first read it on facebook--but she never told me that she cancelled her e-mail accounts.

The issue is that she was not "included' in the original announcement. (when she was)

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

FWIW OP, I don't see anything wrong with emailing family about your pregnancy.

I know you included your Mom in the email and it was an innocent mistake that you didn't know her email account was canceled but try and see it from your Mom's perspective too - at the time all she knew was that she was finding out about it on FB and probably reacted on her first impulse. It's no one's fault but can you understand how she'd be hurt? I am not defending the way she unloaded on you, just trying to offer a point of view. Have you called her or anything to let her know that you did email?

As for all the other things in her FB message - I'm sorry she dumped all over you like that. Wow! Was that a FB email message or did she post all that on your wall? If she posted that on your wall for the world to see, then I don't know that I'd un-friend her but I would definately see if there was a way to block her from posting on your wall in the future.

Mother-daughter relationships can be so complicated. I hope you can work things out and I'm sorry that you have to deal with this stress while you're expecting.

 

[shortbun]

This is our 4th child and yes, the e-mail was sent to our whole family (parents and siblings--not the rest of the world). I do not see the issue with this. We opted to not do phone calls and really never did with any of our others that i can recall except maybe the first.

She's upset that she first read it on facebook--but she never told me that she cancelled her e-mail accounts.

The issue is that she was not "included' in the original announcement. (when she was)

Then tell her she was included in your very first-family only-email. I don't get the whole email thing but it's not my deal so just tell your mom and drop it.

 

[kim929]

Congratulations on the new baby.
My dh told my mil and fil by email when I was pregnant my dh didn't think anything of it, just wrote it all down and sent it off.

 

[GraysMom]

I'm sorry your mom is causing you stress that you definitely don't need to deal with. I just want to wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy. Congratulations !

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

I have a kooky mom too. Try not to let her reactions to things get you down! You can't change them. Good luck w/ baby

 

[snarlingcoyote]

My goddaughter's mom is a nut, to put it nicely.

You can either cut off contact, let her get your goat, or just disengage and play the "nicey-nicey" game (which is probably the healthiest thing). The "nicey-nicey" game means you ignore her meanness, don't feed it, don't get involved with it, don't answer it at all. IGNORE IT. When she's nice and pleasant, you respond. When she's a blankety-blank, you totally ignore her. If you're in her presence and she gets mean, you just act totally and utterly hurt and you act like you simply cannot believe she's acting this way - basically you pretend she's normal and nice. If she goes on acting that way, you presume something is wrong and tell her that you're so sorry she's not feeling well and you leave.

At the very least, you won't ever get involved in her dramas.

But yeah, she sounds a bit. . .ah. Well. Yeah.

 

[aprilgail2]

Yea, I read it too. That in of itself would be enough to send my Mother into a rage for the entire 9 months, 4th baby, 11th baby, whatever.

I would be VERY upset if my daughter thought so little of me that she told me about a pregnancy in an email rather than a phone call. I can understand the OP's mother getting bent at that.....as far as the rest though OP is not wrong.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would be VERY upset if my daughter thought so little of me that she told me about a pregnancy in an email rather than a phone call. I can understand the OP's mother getting bent at that.....as far as the rest though OP is not wrong.

Well, I think that depends on a lot of extenuating circumstances.

The mother/daughter relationship being the biggest one. Every mother and daughter are not the Hallmark ideal of the loving mother/daughter, having coffee together and smiling beatifically as they watch the 2 perfect grandchildren romp happily nearby.

Perhaps in your relationship with your mother or daughter, for that matter, an e-mail would be unthinkable as a way to deliver this news. I know it would be in my relationship with my parents. But, every parent/child relationship isn't like mine with my parents or yours with your parents or children. My DSIL (brother's wife) doesn't speak to her mother or 2 of her siblings, hasn't for years, they live about 15 minutes away from each other, and she has very good reasons for the estrangement. If she were of childbearing age and got pregnant, she wouldn't probably even tell her she was pregnant, by e-mail, phone, FAX orr carrier pigeon.

We (the universal "we", not you and I ) seem to have this "thing" that family should be able to treat us like crap and we should take it because "they're family". I don't garee with that. I think family has as much of a responsibility to treat us with respect as anyone else.

The OP is dealing with a mother with psych issues. As a PP said, there will be no making her happy...if she had called with the news, her mother would have asked why she didn't come in person to tell her. If she went in person to tell the news, her mother would have asked why she didn't bring her to the doctor's appointment with her. If she brought her to the doctor's appointment, her mother would have asked why she couldn't have been in the room when the doctor actually gave the news... You can't win with someone like that, so you don't engage.