oh geesh--in the dog house with my mother!!! (VERY LONG)

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Has she always dressed like a biker babe? If so, then it's no surprise to you. If this is something new and she is happy with the change, then I say roll with it. As your life is yours to lead, she has to make choices for herself that feel right to her.

10 years and counting.. We have no problem with the biker look.

However, my sister and my brother also have issues with some of the questionable appropriateness of her choices. (the dress at the commitment ceremony--she refused to be photographed without something blocking her chest. Think Beyonce or J Lo--deep plunge dress.) In those cases, we quietly help her if she needs it (as in me helping her pin fabric to be a bit more concealing while looking like the dress was made that way) but otherwise, we don't say a word.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Also I want to point out I would probably be hurt if my daughter told me via email or facebook that she was pregnant. But I personally have seen a lot of my friends/family do this on facebook (I dont know whether or not it was to their parents or just the rest of us) and I dont really see a difference between this or a mailed announcement and I agree, calling EVERYONE would be a bit much.

I don't think it is wrong to send a mass email or post news of a pregnancy on facebook AT ALL. I do think I would be very upset if my child did either of those before informing me in person, on the phone or (if it had to be) via personal email. I would always inform my own mother and mother in law on the phone or in person and then email siblings (well siblings in law) possibly in a group emal that include just them. After I had heard back from all the siblings (so I knew they had seen it) THEN I might do a mass email or facebook announcemt to my greater circle of family and friends.

Lots of people (particularly of the grandparent generation) only check email every day or two. If the FB announcement was made only 12 hours after the email was sent there was a very good chance grandma could hear about the pregnancy from a mutual friend (via phone or in person) before she saw her email. OP--I still think it sounds like your mom has lots of otehr issues--sorry we are all so hung up on this one; it jsut seems it is what caused your mom to really "lose it" and in this case she may be more valid in her concerns.

 

[Abbie]

Sounds like announcing a pregnancy via email is something most wouldn't do, but obviously this has not been an issue with the OP in the past so I don't see it as an issue now. She said her mother would have said something in the past if it was a problem. It doesn't even sound like mom is all that concerned about not getting a personal email re:the pregnancy but is using it as a way to drag out all the other issues she has.

OP, sorry you're taking such heat. I would calmly respond but not cave to her manipulations.

I would offer, however, that a seven hour drive is really not so bad if you WANT to go. It can be done in a long weekend. But if you don't want to, then don't worry about it. My DH's brother and family regularly travel 6+ hours to visit the rest of the family here and after all these years, I'm finally realizing what a sacrifice it must have been for them to pack up and head down for all the major holidays and family parties and never once with complaints. They just did it, so I know it can be done. But again, they liked being here......if visiting mom would give you a headache, limit your visits!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have had two miscarriages. We simply don't call people anymore. We keep it low key. We don't wish to rejoice until we are confident that things are okay.

.

I am sorry about your lost babies I cannot imagine the heartache.
I honestly still do not understand how emailing and posting on facebook is low key but a couple of phone calls is not--but that is not anything I NEED to understand so so be it. I was not trying to attack you--just trying to tell you waht your mother's perspective on that may be. As far as visiting goes, I agree with Abbie's post. Really & hours is not a bad drive (I did 21 hours with kids 2-3 times per year when they were 0-8 so I am not just speculating) BUT it is long if you will be miserable once you are there (which it sounds like you will be because of the issues between your motehr and you). I think there is nothing wrong with telling your mother that you want to try new nad fun things with your vacation time and money and offering to let her visit you or meet you on vacation somewhere. If she does come and ruins it then don't offer anymore.
I hope it all settles down for you really soon.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know you have your reasons for the way you announced your pregnancy.

However at the same time people are going to be offended by the way you handled the announcement because it is a tacky thing to do to a mother.

So apologize and move on with life.

Congratulations!

 

[diznygirl]

OP - I get it. My mom is like this too. No matter what you do it's not good enough. She reemed me the day I got home with the baby because she hadn't seen pictures yet. She reemed me for my uncle getting his Christmas card first - but he got just a card and she was getting a package. There is also the guilt at visiting her. I totally see my mother in your post.

Being away from her helps so much. I've learned she doesn't matter in my day to day life and it doesn't get to me asmuch anymore. I know she is happiest when she isn't happy, so I go with it. Yes mother dear. Feel better now. Good.

Hopefully you will be able to brush it off and go back to being happy about your pregnancy. Congrats!

 

[MizTink]

I am having an hard time following all of this, BUT did you REALLY tell your mom you were pregnant via Facebook?

Wow. No wonder your mom is mad at you...and with good reason. How thoughtless. A group e-mail? An "announcement" on Facebook. Totally rude and tacky.


That is all.

but no matter how you, or anyone else, feels about the e-mail or facebook announcement, THAT is not the issue here......

 

[HM]

I'll jump on the bandwagon here. It's too late to do it over, but you really should have called your and your DH's parents to let them know of each pregnancy, if you could not do it in person. Then you could either call your siblings or let the parents do it (many love to be the bearer of these tidings). An email is not a good way of communication for important announcements like that....and FB is even worse.

I'm sorry your mother gave you so much grief for this though. I hope you deleted her tirade....so the rest of your FB friends don't have to endure it. And I'd apologize in a quick phone call to her. "Mom...I only have a minute, but I wanted to call and apologize for your not getting my message about baby #4 before reading it on FB. I tried, but your email bounced back and I didn't know you didn't get the message until later. I'll be sure to call you from now on with important news. Love you...gotta go now."

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would offer, however, that a seven hour drive is really not so bad if you WANT to go. It can be done in a long weekend. But if you don't want to, then don't worry about it. My DH's brother and family regularly travel 6+ hours to visit the rest of the family here and after all these years, I'm finally realizing what a sacrifice it must have been for them to pack up and head down for all the major holidays and family parties and never once with complaints. They just did it, so I know it can be done. But again, they liked being here......if visiting mom would give you a headache, limit your visits!

I know it isn't two bad, but it is nearly 3 times the time it took to travel to her former home one way.

We were just there mid-June. We bought our CA tickets at the end of August-I got grief after JUST VISITING.

I had planned on getting down to the keys in the spring time--but it is her method of making these accusations that puts me off. She didn't ask when I was coming next--she moaned and groaned about how we make so much time for other people and not her. I had seen her 8 weeks prior.

It just seems to be getting worse. As much as I don't want to go the route of not visiting her--it won't be pretty if she has this much built up and thinks my husband doesn't respect her (news to him) or that she thinks we dis her in anyway.


Also of note--I have NEVER been offended in the past (nor likely will be in the future) that my mother treks up all the way from the keys, past my house to go to port canaveral for a cruise or to Daytona Beach for Bike week or Biketoberfest.

However--it gets difficult to ignore when I am being accused of avoiding the trek to her house. We are a small detour from the interstate, and I don't expect her to stop--but good gravy...I don't appreciate getting yelled at either when I have been to her new home at least 3 or 4 times since she moved there in the summer of 2007.

 

[HM]

However--it gets difficult to ignore when I am being accused of avoiding the trek to her house. We are a small detour from the interstate, and I don't expect her to stop--but good gravy...I don't appreciate getting yelled at either when I have been to her new home at least 3 or 4 times since she moved there in the summer of 2007.

Have you actually told her any of this? Looks like you are both harboring some resentment and it's coming to a head now. As long as this can of worms has been opened....maybe it's time to address the issue.

I agree that you've seen her plenty.
Shoot, when I was a kid, my parents moved away from all of their family (more than 10 hours away). I was lucky to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...once a year. My parents always had to take us there. We maybe had a visit from the different relatives at our house every five years or so...and some never came.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Have you actually told her any of this? Looks like you are both harboring some resentment and it's coming to a head now. As long as this can of worms has been opened....maybe it's time to address the issue.

I agree that you've seen her plenty.
Shoot, when I was a kid, my parents moved away from all of their family (more than 10 hours away). I was lucky to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...once a year. My parents always had to take us there. We maybe had a visit from the different relatives at our house every five years or so...and some never came.

Yes and no--I don't wish to be passive agressive or rude or obnoxious or "give it to her", you know.

She has PSTD and if anyone is familiar with that it is kind of like dealing with a child. (The same held for me though I have improved a lot with therapy.)

So sometimes rational thought doesn't work--b/c you are fighting a battle with what they are perceiving. What may seem benign to a "normal" person--would not to someone with PSTD.

I'm truly not offended by her travel plans. It is her life, she can do what she wants. I am more offended by her very skewed reality on my travel plans. But if I bring up what she does--to her it would seem like I'm mad or something, and I'm not. So it doesn't work.

I was half tempted after her pm to me on facebook regarding our CA trip to say that i-95 and the turnpike has a southern and northern direction--but it would have been unkind, you know.

I think in a lot of respects she is past logic. (She actually argues that I do not have PSTD and that my psychologist is using quackery to treat it and argues their is no cure--something I have never stated. However the treatment I receive is something totally 100% available to her through the VA--one of the first to pop up when you do a google search. She cannot be rationalized with. It has been very effected with War Vets actually.)

Anyway--it is a very tough road in trying to speak with her and I really haven't a clue.

Truely--what seems sane and normal to say and perfectly reasonable, often will get lost in translation between her ears and how her brain processes the information.

I get it--it doesn't make it easy to deal with--nor does it excuse her behavior.

I honestly do not know what to do. Everything is met with conflict.


For comparison--I know folks have their opinions on appropriateness of e-mail, but her is a very different (an positive) e-mail I got from my MIL.

Congratulations !!!! May is a great month, before summer heat sets in and after winter chill. Hope morning sickness quits fast !
Love,
Mom

So it gets very hurtful when I hear from balanced people kind words (even if what Idid wasn't the best) and then get an eyeful/earful from my mom.

 

[Christine]

Lisa loves Pooh,

Based on what you have said about your mom, I really don't think there is anything you can do but weather this out. At first, I thought that she was feeling slighted about the f/b notification even though you did e-mail first. Sometimes people have a hard time "backtracking" on their anger when they realize you really didn't do anything wrong. I also agreed with others thinking that she may have a long-term hangup going on over the whole e-mail notification to begin with and now she just lost it. I know that with my mom, who was always so rational, one little thing that I might do wrong then magnifies normal things and she gets her nose out of joint over everything.

But reading your last posts, you are really dealing with a disorder and I don't think there is any "normal" way of treating her or a normal resolution. You are almost always going to have to be on eggshells with her.

Congrats by the way!

 

[lillygator]

I am having an hard time following all of this, BUT did you REALLY tell your mom you were pregnant via Facebook?

Wow. No wonder your mom is mad at you...and with good reason. How thoughtless. A group e-mail? An "announcement" on Facebook. Totally rude and tacky.


That is all.

in reading that this is how several other pregnancies were announced I see this as a non issue.

Also, everyone has a different relationship with their parents, as OP said, if her mother had been offended at the prior pregnancies being announced this way, she would have made that known.

 

[lillygator]

BTW - Congrats!!

Also - re the visiting issue....my mom is an hour away, and quite frankly, what she just doesn't realize is the logisitcs of packing up two kids and a husband to come visit and then the worry of what they are going to get into or knock over while we are at her house. (same with the Outlawz)....it would be MUCH easier for her or the Il's to visit us, rather than us to them, especially for you a 7 hour drive, with what will soon be 4 kids?? yikes!

 

[Motherofboys]

I have had two miscarriages. We simply don't call people anymore. We keep it low key. We don't wish to rejoice until we are confident that things are okay.

She was also present at the birth of my first (as were myinlaws and my sister) and she hasn't for the 2nd or 3rd and won't be on the 4th. One could argue she is offended by that. If she is, I don't know. She also baked the birthday cake for my first. There are lots of things she did---and that other family did, that just don't occur with the subsequent babies.

My children are very important to me--I can see that folks feel it deserves individiual phone calls. I'm just too sick to want to do that as I was the last time.

If that makes me a heartless whench--then Karma is paying me back a hundred fold.

Hey you, I'm right there with you

We announced our 5th baby via a nice evite announcement to our immediate family members. My one sister knew already b/c we are close but I don't feel the need to share the news with a personal phone call to each parent, sibling, etc.

This was our 5th baby, not the 1st and although she is just as special as the first, we were pretty much over the big announcements by that time

No one in my family was offended. They simply emailed or called me and congratulated me, it was a nice surprise for everyone at the same time and then I didn't have to deal with the "why did you tell mom first?" "who else knows about it" crap that seems to go along with every thing in our family.

So I don't think you are tacky or rude, been there done that and I totally see why you did it.

Good luck on the rest of the stuff with your mom!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Hey you, I'm right there with you

We announced our 5th baby via a nice evite announcement to our immediate family members. My one sister knew already b/c we are close but I don't feel the need to share the news with a personal phone call to each parent, sibling, etc.

Thanks for your kind words--I hadn't even thought of e-vite. That would have been a neat idea.

 

[ols386]

I am having an hard time following all of this, BUT did you REALLY tell your mom you were pregnant via Facebook?

Wow. No wonder your mom is mad at you...and with good reason. How thoughtless. A group e-mail? An "announcement" on Facebook. Totally rude and tacky.


That is all.

She tried to send an email to her mother announcing the pregnancy, and did not know her Mom no longer had email. Since this is the way she announced the other 3 pregnancies, and the Mom had no complaints, I don't see anything wrong with it. Not rude and tacky at all.

It's not how I would tell my mother, but every family is different and has their own way of doing things.

 

[disykat]

I'm going to stick up for the email thing too. My family is more likely to email important things than not. We send it to family only, but it's a way of letting everyone know at the same time. (Although they retrieve it at different times) If you start with the round of phone calls, invariably someone isn't answering and you don't get back to them before someone else calls them and tells them.

It sounds like your family has often used email as a point of contact. Canceling your email without telling family and then being upset because they aren't contacting you just isn't reasonable.

Simply put it back on your mom. "Gee mom, I certainly didn't mean to hurt you. I emailed you along with everyone else. You apparently changed your email without telling me and I got a bounce back today after I received your facebook message."

Personally I think it's worse that your mom is picking fights with you on facebook than you sending news via a family email.

 

[HM]

I wish you'd included the stuff about your mom and her PSTD in your original posting. Maybe you would have received very different results in the responses if you had. People who do not perceive "reality" in the same way can't be dealt with in the same way.

And I'm sorry, I never congratulated you on your pregnancy. Congrats! I truly hope it's an easy one for you with a terrific birthing at the end.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I wish you'd included the stuff about your mom and her PSTD in your original posting. Maybe you would have received very different results in the responses if you had. People who do not perceive "reality" in the same way can't be dealt with in the same way.

And I'm sorry, I never congratulated you on your pregnancy. Congrats! I truly hope it's an easy one for you with a terrific birthing at the end.

I did....it was towards the bottom. Not exactly a stellar essay that I wrote. And easily missed.

She has a history of depression and she has post traumatic stress disorder. With the latter, she only medicates which does not help her. She is also disabled.