Off Topic: Nursing Homes

[cheeks605]

I know this is very off topic but everyone on here has the best ideas and is so thrifty so I'm hoping for a little guidance.

The background info: My grandmother has very advanced dementia. She does not care for herself, she cannot communicate, she is like a person with severe brain damage. My mother is her care taker. Her and my father sold their house and moved into my grandmother's house to care for her.

The issue: Obviously, my grandmother will not be coming to the wedding. We are going to place my grandmother in a nursing home for the time my parents will be away. As you may imagine, I feel terribly guilty for doing this to her. I don't know how much she understands of what is going on around her, but I imagine she will sense the change. Now I'm thinking, God forbid something happens to her there...and...how the heck can we afford this level of care?

My question: Can anyone give me some insight into nursing home expense and how to manage it? Also, does anyone have an experience to share?

Again, I realize this is off topic but I hope you can help...it's ok to stop thinking about the wedding for a minute, right?!?

 

[scottsbride]

Aww..i'm sorry that your grandma is ill and will not beable to attend your wedding. I know how hard it is to watch our loved ones age.
I don't really have any experience with nursing homes but i did think of 1 suggestion. If you haven't already made arrangements with a nursing home, maybe you could hire a well qualified, highly recommended live-in nurse to stay with your grandma while your parents are at your wedding. this would allow your grandma to still be in the environment she is familiar with and not stress her as much.

 

[kimnkel]

I am so sorry about your grandma. Bless your parents for caring for her. I agree with scottsbride--that is an excellent suggestion. Just start interviewing ASAP, and check references. There are resources (county, hospital) that may help you find someone qualified.

My dad was very ill before he passed away, and I cared for him. A few times he had to go into a type of nursing home/rehab hospital and with one exception they were all terrible. We all took turns staying with him--mainly so we could keep an eye on the situation.

Good luck to you, and I know this might not be possible--- but PLEASE try not to feel guilty. I bet you a million hugs the last thing your grandma would want is for you to worry about her, be guilty over something you had no control over, or in any way let that horrible disease steal any of your happiness.

This is for your whole family---

PS: I used to get very good help for my dad from a home care nursing staff agency. 24/7 type of care. They were bonded, licensed, professional caregivers. Not cheap, but I can't imagine a nursing home is either, and my dad was able to be comfortable in his own space.

 

[TinkBride]

I have had two grandparents on both sides of my family with severe dementia, they have both passed now. I can not rememeber my grandma knowing who i am or what my name is since i was about 8, I am 22 now, and she just passed away a month ago. So we dealt with your exact issue for about 15 years. For a while we were able to take care of her and each of my dad's siblings took turns taking her on the weekends, so my parents could have a break, but we could only do that for so long. (this is with an aunt and my sister who are both registered nurses, and hired staff to come in and assist and help) She then moved to an assissted living community, and then was in a nursing home for about 8 years.

Needless to say this drained her lifetime assets and savings QUICKLY! She then applied for medicare, and then medicaid, finally towards then end the siblings were beginning to pay out of pocket for her care.

The hard thing about dementia is you never know how long it can go on for. My grandpa was ill with it for two years and passed, but my poor grandma lived with it for over 18 years. The last 5-6 she was living like your grandma, numb to anything around her. like she was mentally challenged. Lots of nursing homes have financing and insightful info for people in your situation. Check all your resources, there is help out there for this, you just have to search for it a little.

sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there will come a time when she will need more assistance and care than what family can give......

Also, I do not mean for this to come off cold, but we just dealt with it for so long, that you learn things......do not feel guilty for putting her in a nursing home for your trip.....she will be fine.....depending on how bad she is, she may be uncomfortable for a day, but she wont rememeber where she was before, because she has no memory, so she will not suffer or feel abandoned. The staff is knowledgeable and will take good care of her. But, she will most likely be more than fine.

i know what you are going through......good luck.....

 

[beck0321]

I think it might depend on the state you live in. Where we are, my grandparents can stay at the nursing home for free just as long as they don't have over X amount of money or something like that. The X amount is pretty high too. Talk to your grandmother's doctor and he/she should know the exact answers to all your questions.
I feel your pain on your grandmother. Mine is the SAME way! It's really depressing, and has caused my papaw so much stress that he had a stroke! My parents and the other children had to make the decision to put her in a nursing home because they just couldn't care for her anymore. Like it wasn't the TIME it took, it was just the physical part of it. They couldn't move her and pick her up like a nurse is trained to do. Now my grandpa is in there too with her because of the stroke. They were able to keep their house and savings and are still not paying for the nursing home. Your parents should look into it, because it may not cost them anything.
It sucks though, and my mom took it REALLY hard at first. She's still dealing with it, but she's not as upset as before.

 

[Fire14]

I'm a nurse in a LTC facility and we do get respite cases on occasion 75% of time them end up liking it so well they move in permantly. Most any Nursing home or Assited living will offer short term stays, most charge a per day rate. Where I work the rate includes 3 meals, snacks, Med admin., 24 supervision, laundry.

 

[JandJ]

I am so sorry about your grandma. My gram passed in 2000 and I miss her, but I miss the "her" from years ago, not who she became. For the last 3 or 4 years of her life she had dementia and half the time didn't know who I was. My parents cared for her, and so I know what your mom and dad have been going through. We were very blessed, though, that we had a network of people who were very qualified and very caring and they came in and helped. It cost a fortune, but probably not more than a nursing home, but when my parents had to go out of town they had 24-hour care come into the house. That way gram was still in familiar surroundings, and the ladies who came in and cared for her were wonderful. I don't know if that is an option, but it might be something your parents can look into.

Also, Hospice in some towns provides respite care which is based on an ability to pay. Please have your mom contact thier local Hospice, if they cannot help in this case they can provide resources and contacts that can help.

Good luck - I know it is hard - it's like losing a loved one before they're even gone.

 

[twojo21]

sorry your grandma isnt well enough to attend your wedding.

look into assisted living homes, local hospice or caregiver services. a caregiver service would be cheaper for the temporary while everyones gone for the wedding & the assistance would be in her home or your parents. do search's online, contact her dr. for referrals, etc.

 

[kmab00]

Before I placed her in a Nursing Home, I'd go tour and visit a few just so you can get an overall perspective and idea of the place!! Sorry she won't be able to be with you guys for the wedding!

However, I don't think you have anything to worry about! There are some VERY good nursing homes out there...in order to find them, you gotta get resources from people in your area and give the places a little visit!

Hospice is WONDERFUL! I work with them on a daily basis and I think they are fantastic! If your grandmother has dementia in the state that you are reffering to, then she may qualify for respite care! Check into that also to see what you can find out!!

 

[Deesknee]

My Grandmother is in a nursing home. I am sorry you will miss her attending your wedding. Bless your parents for taking care of her. Bless you for being concerned for her.
If possible I think a home health aid (or two to share the job) to stay with your grandmother would be the best choice. If they change my grandmothers roommate she seems to get upset.
I hope your parents are able to relax and fully enjoy the time they have to themselves while they are enjoying their beautiful daughters wedding day.
You and your DF look perfect together. Hope all works out for you all.

 

[Cinderella2006]

Speaking as a qualified nurse and home carer i would certainly think about a home carer or live in sitter. I expect things differ a lot in the US from the UK but in many nursing homes over here you don’t need to be qualified and many have little or no experience which is why i would never work in one let alone put a member of my family in one. Not all are the same but just be wary, I have heard some terrible stories in my lifetime. I work for an agency and all staff need to be trained and have completed at least a week fully supervised before they are allowed out on their own and are inspected regularly and must provide a police check. Your grandmother is lucky that she has good family like yourselves, I visit a lot of people like your mother who live on their own and their family rarely visit which is so sad.

Its a lot of responsibility you have there, i would definitely weigh up the pros and cons of each care, do your research, check inspection records and make sure the staff are fully trained in what they do. Appearances can be deceiving, if you can have a look around a few homes and leave your grandmother for an hour when you take everything in and watch the carers closely on how they communicate with your grandmother.

Good luck in whatever you choose and don’t feel bad, everyone is entitled to a break.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I agree with all the suggestions before. I think live-in care is your best option. I like Cinderella2006 am from the UK and Nursing Homes here I think are different, there have been many appalling situations in Nursing Homes here due to unqualified staff/cruelty to patients. Many in my area are currently closed down and being investigated. Again though this is the UK and it is currently a huge problem where I live.

However that is not to say that there aren't good Nursing homes, there are and I have visited a few but personally I prefer the idea of caring for them at home, if thats possible. As Tink said, there will come a time where she may be beyond your family's help and a Nursing Home may be the only way to go if full time, live-in care isn't possible. In that scenario, I would visit the Nursing Homes, check refs, recommendations, qualifications etc.

I wish you the best of luck on this and hope you have a wonderful wedding.