Odd question--do you think you have any control over exactly when you die?

[Jeafl]

...and I'm not talking about suicide.

I never really thought so, but lately I'm beginning to wonder. A neighbor of ours has been in the end stages of cancer for quite some time. He was told he would never make it through the holiday season. However, if he lived to Feb. 17 it would be his 20-year anniversary at his job. This meant that when he died his wife would get FULL salary as opposed to a partial salary as a death benefit. He fought to live until the 17th and would you believe he died at 7:30 am yesterday? He held on so that his family would be taken care of. I really believe it was sheer will that let him make the deadline with only hours to spare.

Also, last year my parents were on vacation in Europe when my uncle had a very bad stroke. We got ahold of my parents, but it was almost 2 days before they could get a flight home. They made it to the hospital in time, but my uncle died just minutes after they left to go home. I'd like to believe that he held on long enough to say goodbye.

So what do you think? Is it just a coincidence, or do you think people can really control their death?

 

[Pin Wizard]

Nope! It's all predetermined. If you hang in there, it was planned that way. If you give up, it was planned that way also.

 

[DD2Disney]

When my DGrandmother passed away she was very very ill, but waited for my Aunt (who had to be contacted at Disneyland so it wasn't that easy to find her) to be at her bedside and then passed away less than an hour later. I DO believe she was waiting to say goodbye to her daughter.

 

[Kimberle]

To a certain extent. I do think people can "hold on" for a while. And when they loose their "will" to live, they go quickly (as long as their physical body agrees.)

 

[zakatak]

When my Mother was dying from cancer, I was with her from 8am that morning. My dh and father left for a meeting with the funeral director (I was supposed to go but dh went instead so I could be with my Mom). I sat with her all day but she was unresponsive. Around 2:20pm I had to take a bathroom break pretty bad so I let the nurses know and headed downstairs to grab some M&Ms too since I was starving. I was gone maybe 5 minutes and when I got back upstairs the doctors were in her room. She had passed away while I was buying M&Ms.

After talking to some of the nurses later, they told me that it isn't uncommon, that she did not want me to witness it so she waited until I left the room. Weird, eh? They told me they see it quite often.

So, yeah. I think you can hold on or let go at the very end.

K

 

[newholiday]

I think so
My Dad died the night after my mother's birthday - 10yrs ago this coming July

 

[peg2001]

Originally posted by Kimberle
To a certain extent. I do think people can "hold on" for a while. And when they lose their "will" to live, they go quickly (as long as their physical body agrees.)

This is what I think also.

Peggy

 

[Serena]

I do think that sheer strength of will helps them hold on sometimes. When they are ready, they let go and find peace.

 

[olena]

There may be something to it. My grandfather had a stroke, but he wasn't supposed to live long. He was bed-ridden and completely disabled. He managed to stun doctors and live for another 15 years. My grandmother took great care of him at home. What was ironic was that her father died on her mother's birthday. After that, my great-grandmother didn't want to celebrate her birthday anymore. So when my grandfather took ill and went to the hospital, we were all nervous about the approach of my grandmother's birthday. Not again, we thought. He ended up hanging on til after midnight, so he passed on the day after her birthday. She felt that was his gift to her.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by Kimberle
To a certain extent. I do think people can "hold on" for a while. And when they loose their "will" to live, they go quickly (as long as their physical body agrees.)

 

[MerryPoppins]

I don't think people always have control, but sometimes they do.

My mom and I were staying with my grandmother in the hospital. The doctors had told us that everything was shutting down and it was a matter of days. My mom got really tired and I sent her home for a nap and a shower while I stayed in the hospital.

A friend had told me that sometimes if you give the person "permission" to go, that they will let go. So I held her hand and talked to her for a while. I couldn't tell if she was hearing me or not - she wasn't responsive. But I told her not to worry about Mom. They lived together since my dad and my grandfather were both gone. I also told her that Mom wasn't there. She was home resting. I told her I knew she was going to heaven and that if she was ready, she should go on. I was okay with it and maybe it'd be easier if Mom wasn't there.

Within 10 minutes she was gone. She just quietly slipped away.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

From a religious view I would say only someone greater than us has power of that, but I do agree with the other posters about people having the will to live...my mom told me that when she whispered in my sisters ear that I had had her nephew she let out a little sigh, hard to hear through all the tubes. My mom told her I would come as soon as possible, but sadly I did not make it in time since I just got out of the hosp. myself, did a ton of wash, packed etc, got the plane tickets. But my mom said she could tell she kept hanging on until the baby was born. Also every day I would visit my grandma in the nursing home at a certain time. The dr. told me she had about 2 weeks left to live. That was only the day before she died, so she really only had l day since he told me. But the nurses told me she passed away less than an hour before I got there. They said they tried to call me, but knew I was on my way anyway. God works in strange ways. My mom used to tell me there are some things he wants you to see and some things he just doesnt want you to see. I know others may not agree with me, but its just my opinion.

 

[WDWLVR]

While I agree that a greater force than man is in ultimate control I do think that people can have some will in it. Case in point is my dear mother. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer I told her that based on family history I propably wouldn't be there when she died. (My grandmother died less than 1/2 hour after my mom left her, my great-aunt died not too long after my grandmother (her sister) left, etc. etc.).

My mom slid downhill very fast about 6 months after it was found. In the span of a week she went from being able to walk around and do basic things for herself to being so week she couldn't stand. We had to put her in a nursing home. Most of the plans for her funeral were already made with her input (her choice). So on that Saturday I went to the funeral parlor to make final arrangements, and then went to visit her in the nursing home. She was pretty much in a coma - not responsive at all. I told her I loved her, I told her everything was taken care of, and I told her to go to God whenever she was ready. The next morning we got home from Mass at 8 am and there was a call from the nursing home saying she had passed on that morning.

She passed away on a Sunday morning when she knew we would be in church because she had gone to the same Mass with us every Sunday.

So yes I do believe that we have some control (with God's help) on when we finally pass.

 

[lrmillen]

God's got it all under control. It's His ulitmate decision when we go, but he loves us so much that many times I believe He gives us the strength to hold on or the peace of mind to let go. But I believe anyway it happens it's always for our best. I really appreciate all the touching stories you all have told.

 

[4cruisin]

This is an interesting thread because my mom passed away 3 years ago this Friday. She fought long and hard for 3 years against several life threatening illnesses. Finally, 4 days before she died, she asked me to just let her die. ( She was not on life support or anything per se but now in retrospect, my dsis and I believe that maybe she felt pressured to continue fighting to live for us. ) I paused for a moment and asked her if that is really what she wanted..and very strongly she replied YES. I told her that she had fought long enough and I would not hold her back. It tore my heart out to say that to her, but she struggled every day for 3 years and watching her struggle was so painful. I knew it would be unfair and selfish of me to ask her to keep fighting to live. We had 4 more wonderful days together. We all knew she was leaving us but she was very cognizant until about 5 hours before she died but the last few hours, she was in a coma.

I guess my belief is that people can hold on for specific reasons but once they give up, it's all over.

We were with my mother when she died and although it was the hardest thing I have ever done, it gives me peace to know she was content with her decision and she now watches over me from above.

She was my best friend, role model, inspiration and biggest fan and I miss her terribly.

Nancy

 

[C.Ann]

This question gives me the willies...but - here goes..

When my Dad was in the hospital dying he had reached a point where he had a tube down his nose to his stomach to extract the contents, a colostomy bag, and was being "fed" liquids only by IV.. There was nothing left they could do for him and the hospital was insisting that we take him home - with all the paraphenalia.. It was on a Monday and they were going to teach me to do all of these various things the next day and my Dad was horrfied! First of all, he was a very "proud" man - and secondly, he knew I would have to leave my own family and move in with them to take care of him 24-hours a day.. That evening when we (my Mom & I) left the hospital he was "fine" (well - as fine as you can be when you're that close to death).. I no sooner dropped my Mom off at her house and came home when I got a phone call from the hospital telling me to come back - that Dad was failing fast.. I dashed over to my Mom's and raced to the hospital as fast as I could.. What struck me as really odd was when we went running into the hospital one of the elevator doors was OPEN - like it was just waiting for us.. (There was NEVER a time that I arrived at this hospital - day or night - that I didn't have to wait several minutes for the elevator..) When we got to my Dad's room he had already slipped into a coma.. Mom was on one side of him and I was on the other.. Mom told him we were there and I started to stroke his arm while repeating over and over, "I love you, Daddy.." He momentarily flexed his hand and then stopped breathing and was gone.. I like to think it was because he heard me - and he knew we were there.. I've always felt that this was his way of "letting me off the hook" - knowing how difficult it would be for me to learn all of those things and leave my family to live with them.. So - yes, I think he chose his time to let go..

Now there's the situation with my DH.. According to "medical statistics" he should have died several years ago - and during his last trip to the intensive care they were so POSITIVE he was a goner they encouraged me to have DNR papers drawn up.. But - there is a big age difference between him and I (15 years) and his biggest fear is how I'll manage financially when he's gone (now that his entire retirement fund has been wiped out due to medical expenses).. He is bound and determined to live another 5 years so I can collect widows Social Security benefits and is forever telling me that he's "not going" until he's sure I'll be taken care of.. He is the most STUBBORN, strong-willed person I have ever met in my entire life (an ex-Marine) and quite frankly, I wouldn't put it past him to pull it off.. I think a persons "will" to live can be amazingly strong and there are definitely cases of people surviving way beyond the time period that they should have.. My DH is a perfect example..

 

[Kirby]

My grandmother always said that she didn't want to die before my grandfather. She was very controlling, even told the paramedics what to do when they came to pick her up on Dec. 24, 1983. She was in very bad shape. She held on until my grandfather died that following January on the 15th on a Sunday. He was in what we thought was pretty good health. I think that he just gave up because he knew that my grandmother would not get better and would end up in a nursing home. He had moved in with my mother and she found him that morning. He had died in his sleep. My grandmother died the following Thursday, Jan. 17.

For two deaths we also received two lives. My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, on Jan. 14 that very same week.

 

[Disney Doll]

I absolutely believe that people can "hang on" for certain things.

My DFIL was sick with cancer in early 2001. He was also the most Irish man you'd ever want to meet, and St.Patrick's Day to him was like a high holy day. Well, it was March 7th 2001, and he was at the hospital receiving chemo for his cancer, which had been progressively making him weaker and weaker. During the outpatient treatment, he began to have severe diarrhea and they decided to admit him as an inpatient. He was also a little bit vague and confused, due to the imbalances caused by the diarrhea. As the days wore on, it became apparent that he was slipping away. Every day when I went to visit him, he would ask me when St.Patrick's Day was. So much so that I commented to my DH and DSIL that he was waiting for St.Patrick's Day, either to die on it or live through it. My DSIL and DMIL were staying with him 24 hours a day at the hospital, and I was there for a good deal of the time too, although I did go home to sleep, as I worked at the hospital as well. On March 16th in the evening as I was preparing to go, I told my DSIL to make sure he knew when it was St.Patrick's Day, which she did. He did live through St.Patrick's Day, and died at 5AM on March 18th.

I firmly believe that his goal was St.Patrick's Day, and that he willed himself to live until then.

 

[TheButlerDiditt]

Some of these stories are so touching, I've gotten all teary-eyed... which is bad since I'm at work...

 

[Cindy B]

I think my MIL held on as long as possible. She saw all five of her children, their spouses, and her ex husband of 35 years!

She wanted to make sure everyone was there, and that she could say goodbye.