O/T-- Freaking out about our kindergarten decision!

[ekatiel]

So, DS just turned five (on July 19th). We have decided to hold him out of kindergarten for a year and have him do pre-k once more. Public kindergarten around here is very academic and is all day from 8-3. DS knows all of his letters and their sounds. He cannot count to 20 yet (he gets mixed up in the high teens). He writes his first name, but usually complains when I make him do it. He can do kindergarten work, but it is like pulling teeth to get him to do it sometimes.

So, we decided to keep him back, and put him in an "advanced pre-k" class next year. There were several other kids in his pre-k class that had made the same decision. Today at church, one of the moms tells me that she's decided to put her DS in private kinder this year, and then if he needs it next year, to do public kinder. Now I'm doubting my whole decision. Initially, I had wanted to put DS in private kinder next year (and then do public later if he needed), but DH said at the time, "The one thing that I don't want him to do is to do kinder twice." He was very adament about it. Well, I mention to DH today what this other mom is doing with her DS (putting him in private kinder), and in trying to explain to him what I was talking about, I said, "You know, like I wanted to do with DS, but you were strongly against." He replies with, "You know I defer all educational decisions to you. If you thought that was what's best, then we would have done it. We're not locked in or anything yet, are we??" UGH!!!!!

Now, schools about to start, and I'm not sure what to do. Do I call the preschool and see if there's room in the kinder class (I'm not even sure they're having a kinder class this year )? Do I just leave him in advanced pre-k?? Do I call around to other private schools and find out about K?? At this point I'm really not comfortable with any decision. I feel like we're going to ruin the poor kid's life one way or the other . Anyhow, any BTDT advice on summer birthdays and kinder would be appreciated. --Katie

 

[MsSpinShady]

What did his pre-K teachers advise?

 

[mom2att]

An academic seven-hour kindergarten day is a lot for any just-turned-five-year-old. Go with your initial decision, give him another year of preschool, and save the stress for next year. He'll have a whole year of a more relaxed schooling experience and will be more than ready for the greater academic focus of kindergarten. Don't doubt your decision based on what others have done--do what is best for you. IMO you can't go wrong with that extra year.

 

[tam626]

I think all day for a just turned 5 year old is too much. My ds will be 5 next August 13th & at first I went back & forth on the issue but he's a boy & needs lots of time to move around, so I think it's best to wait. I have two grown kids & I say, why rush it?

 

[woodkins]

My dd turned 5 August 5th and entered K on Sept. 3rd (2007). Here (LI, NY)they go to full day K (on the bus at 8:40 home at 3:45). It is very academic and she was reading by the end of the school year. She loved every minute of it and never complained once that it was too long, she was tired, too much work etc. It was never even suggested that we keep her back & where we live children enter K as long as they turn 5 by Dec. 1st of that school year, so there were plenty of kids even younger than she was.

Make the decision that you feel most comfortable with for your son, base it upon his performance in pre-school and on your own instincts and observations.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

We have 2 boys, both with summer birthdays (July and September). Neither started kindergarten until he was 6. Both have done very well.

I was just thinking about my youngest. He's going into 5th grade in August. If he'd started K at 5, he would be about to start middle school as a still 10 year old! I can't imagine him or any of his friends going into middle school at this point.

My older son's K teacher once told me that it's always a good idea to keep young 5 years olds back a year, especially boys. Even if they're ready academically, they may not be ready socially. She said she's never met a parent who regretted holding a child back a year. But she's heard lots of regrets from those who sent their younger children through.

I would stay with the Jr. K for this year. When he starts K the following year, he'll feel like he's moving forward. There's no reason for a child who sounds as bright as yours to do kindergarten twice. Give him another year to grow and develop and he'll be totally ready when he's 6. And don't worry - you won't ruin his life with this decision. He'll be just fine!

 

[jana616]

I don't think you can go wrong either way, if that makes you feel better. If you stick with the Pre-K, he'll be given the chance to learn at a slower pace, maybe be one of the quickest to "get stuff" kids since he'll be the oldest, and have another year of some kind of school under his belt to help get him ready.

If you change it up and switch to private K, he'll get a solid year of K material, but it won't be as important (and by that I just mean that you know it's not the same as repeating K at the same school if he has to), and if he struggles, he gets another chance at public K the next year.

I think you and he will be absolutely fine with whichever way you go. And for what it's worth, I will be in exactly the same boat 2 years from now with my YDS. His birthday is July 16th, and our cut-off is August 1st. This year he's in the 2-3s class (which he makes by two weeks) and I am SOOO scared of how he will do surrounded by kids who are almost a whole year older than him (and that year is huge from 2 to 3!). Good luck!

 

[Coconuts]

We struggled with this same decision for the last few years. DD turned 5 last Sept(4 days before the cutoff for K) and we sent her to K.

Our school district is one of the top in the state, and the tendency that EVERYONE kept telling me is that I should hold her back. It's almost expected that if your kid is born between March and Sept, you will hold them back. Some do this because they say the kids need to mature and some do this for athletic reasons(which I think is reprehensible). I researched the maturity/academic aspect and any advantage your kid would have if they were held back, is irrelevant by 4th grade.

The first preschool she was in(2 1/2yo class) was pressuring me to keep her back, and this was coming from the school's director who didn't even know my child personally. I felt that a decision about her life when she is 3 could affect her when she is 19 yo and graduating hs. They gave me such a hard time about it, and wouldn't let me advance her to a 4yo class, so I switched her school the next year.

Her preschool teacher for her 4yo class(pre-k) told me mid year that if I didn't send her to K, she would be so bored the next year. I trusted her not only because she taught this age for many years, but she was also a parent in my town and had kids in our school district. She said that maybe the reason the other school wanted to hold her back was to get another year of tuition(which is also what my DH said). My DD was about on par with your DS as to what she could do and not do.

For your case, your DS sounds like he is probably way ahead of so many starting kindergarteners, and it's very common for boys to show less maturity than girls and less willingness to do any school work. My DD loves to do school work and usually does it willingly, where as it's like pulling teeth to get my DS to do anything, and it gets worse every year!

Obviously, I would vote to send him to K, since that's what I did. But if you are really unsure then the safe bet is to send him to a private K this year, and if he must repeat K, then do it at your public school. This way if he is upset about repeating, he will be with a whole new class of kids that don't know he did K at another school. This was going to be what I was going to do if I really felt uncomfortable about sending her to K.

Tell your DH that repeating K at a different school is a much more desirable option than repeating a higher grade, when he will wind up being in the same school with the kids that know he got left behind.

Good luck from someone that was in your position one short year ago.

 

[StitchFanZ]

When we were considering this issue, a very wise principal asked us, "When you son is a Senior in high school and is out with friends, do you want him to the youngest one in the crowd? Or would you rather he have the maturity of one more year when faced with a tough situation?
In the middle and high school years that extra year really helps when it comes to handling social situations, sports, readiness for college, etc. I would stick with the current plan of pre-k.

 

[robinb]

So, we decided to keep him back, and put him in an "advanced pre-k" class next year. There were several other kids in his pre-k class that had made the same decision. Today at church, one of the moms tells me that she's decided to put her DS in private kinder this year, and then if he needs it next year, to do public kinder. Now I'm doubting my whole decision. Initially, I had wanted to put DS in private kinder next year (and then do public later if he needed), but DH said at the time, "The one thing that I don't want him to do is to do kinder twice." He was very adament about it.

I don't know if I am reading the right ... you want to keep your 5 year old in pre-k this year, send him to private kindergarten next year when he's 6 and the possibly public kindergarten when he's 7? I don't think you should hold him back twice.

My 9-year old has struggled with school between having a late birthday (August) and a crappy first grade teacher. Sometimes I wish I had held her back for academics but other times I'm glad that she is not the oldest girl in her group of friends.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I think putting him in private K now is a good idea. For one thing even if he has to repeat, he will be changing schools to do it and any stigma associated with repeating a year is minimal. As it is you are repeating Pre-K. I really don't see the difference. Why not challenge him? He might surprise you.

How long of a day is the private K? I agree 8-3 is kind of long, but it doesn't sound like you are really considering a jump to public K this year anyway.

What is the age cut off for your area? I've seen cuts offs as early as July 1st and as late as mid Dec. That matters.

My sister and I both have August birthdays and we were among the youngest kids in class growing up. We were fine. My daughters have birthdays in early July and they started K as soon as they made the age cut off. Our K is only half days and the cut off is late, but I still would have sent them anyway.

Call around on Monday and see what might be available. If everything is full and you don't want to go public, then the decision is made for you.

 

[3R1C]

As a teacher, I think you made an excellent choice! I can easily pick out the younger kids in my class just by their behavior and social skills.

I don't understand why parents are in such a hurry to have their kids grow up. You are giving him such a gift..the gift of a longer childhood.

That being said, as a parent, my kids have May and March birthdays and I held them both back. Both are excelling (and my daughter had attachment issues when she was younger). Many of their teachers have said that they are leaders in their class.

So as a parent and an education, I applaud you for being willing to give him the extra time he needs.

We all have our issues that are "the mountains we are willing to die on"..and for me, keeping kids home for that extra year is my mountain!!!

 

[tartemis]

To post a different perspective --

My mom has been a 1st and 2nd grade teacher for over 20 years and thinks that most parents do a disservice to their kids by holding them back. As long as they don't thave any significant developmental delays, kids usually rise to the challenge. And if they are above-average intelligence -- she finds that a lot of the kids that were held back get bored and have a tendancy to develop behavior problems as a result.

I realize that the norm now seems to be to hold kids back, especially boys, but I, too, think it is a mistake. Kids generally live up to expectations (and unfortunately, I think society's expectations have dropped too low.) Additionally, both my brother and I have summer b-days and were one of the youngest kids in our class and we both ended up valedictorians in highschool.

I'm actually dealing with the opposite problem. My dd was born Sept. 11 and thus, misses the cut-off by 10 days. She is not even 2 yet, but I'm already trying to figure out what we are going to do to make sure she gets in when she is just about to turn 5 as opposed to 6 and we are having the problem of trying to get her into good pre-school programs with the same date cut-off. I refuse to have her wait an entire additional year before she starts -- I think she would be really bored. As is, she currently plays primarily with 3 year olds and is often mistaken as one.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

To post a different perspective --

My mom has been a 1st and 2nd grade teacher for over 20 years and thinks that most parents do a disservice to their kids by holding them back. As long as they don't thave any significant developmental delays, kids usually rise to the challenge. And if they are above-average intelligence -- she finds that a lot of the kids that were held back get bored and have a tendancy to develop behavior problems as a result.

I realize that the norm now seems to be to hold kids back, especially boys, but I, too, think it is a mistake. Kids generally live up to expectations (and unfortunately, I think society's expectations have dropped too low.) Additionally, both my brother and I have summer b-days and were one of the youngest kids in our class and we both ended up valedictorians in highschool.

I'm actually dealing with the opposite problem. My dd was born Sept. 11 and thus, misses the cut-off by 10 days. She is not even 2 yet, but I'm already trying to figure out what we are going to do to make sure she gets in when she is just about to turn 5 as opposed to 6 and we are having the problem of trying to get her into good pre-school programs with the same date cut-off. I refuse to have her wait an entire additional year before she starts -- I think she would be really bored. As is, she currently plays primarily with 3 year olds and is often mistaken as one.

I agree with this post. I sent my oldest right at 5 actually missed cut off by a day, but requested a waiver, and my youngest was 5 1/2 (March birthday). Both did very well. I feel that kids are too old for the class they are held back for. My oldest graduated from college at 21 not 22. My youngest is starting college in the fall.

 

[ekatiel]

What did his pre-K teachers advise?

His teacher said that academically, he could handle the work, but that he could use an extra year of maturity. Getting him to do the work is like pulling teeth at this point-- there is lots of whining involved.

For your case, your DS sounds like he is probably way ahead of so many starting kindergarteners, and it's very common for boys to show less maturity than girls and less willingness to do any school work. My DD loves to do school work and usually does it willingly, where as it's like pulling teeth to get my DS to do anything, and it gets worse every year!

The thing that is getting me, is that I've talked to several other people who are sending kiddos that know less academically than DS does right now, and they're sending their kiddos to kinder anyways . We are planning on moving to a better school district sometime in the next year, and I know the likelyhood there is that many boys will have been held out. And, DS is whiney when it comes to school work, so although he can do the work, he's not really mature enough to sit down and do it.

When we were considering this issue, a very wise principal asked us, "When you son is a Senior in high school and is out with friends, do you want him to the youngest one in the crowd? Or would you rather he have the maturity of one more year when faced with a tough situation?
In the middle and high school years that extra year really helps when it comes to handling social situations, sports, readiness for college, etc. I would stick with the current plan of pre-k.

That's a perspective I haven't heard before. Thanks for reassuring me about the extra year.

I don't know if I am reading the right ... you want to keep your 5 year old in pre-k this year, send him to private kindergarten next year when he's 6 and the possibly public kindergarten when he's 7? I don't think you should hold him back twice.

No, I'm not considering holding him bakc twice. I'm jsut wondering if I should put him in private kinder this year instead of the "advanced" pre-k that I've got him signed up for.

I think putting him in private K now is a good idea. For one thing even if he has to repeat, he will be changing schools to do it and any stigma associated with repeating a year is minimal. As it is you are repeating Pre-K. I really don't see the difference. Why not challenge him? He might surprise you.

How long of a day is the private K? I agree 8-3 is kind of long, but it doesn't sound like you are really considering a jump to public K this year anyway.

What is the age cut off for your area? I've seen cuts offs as early as July 1st and as late as mid Dec. That matters.

My sister and I both have August birthdays and we were among the youngest kids in class growing up. We were fine. My daughters have birthdays in early July and they started K as soon as they made the age cut off. Our K is only half days and the cut off is late, but I still would have sent them anyway.

Call around on Monday and see what might be available. If everything is full and you don't want to go public, then the decision is made for you.

Our cut off is Sept. 1st, so his birthday is five or six weeks before the cut off. I keep wishing he was a Sept. baby so that I didn't have to make this decision. I am definitely going to call his preschool Monday and see if they're doing a Kinder class this year. I'm not sure if I'll call around to any other places, though-- DS has multiple food allergies, and some places just don't get the severity of his allergies. It has made finding a preschool we like challenging. His current preschool "gets it", so I'm not looking forward to trying to find another place that would "get it", too.

As a teacher, I think you made an excellent choice! I can easily pick out the younger kids in my class just by their behavior and social skills.

I don't understand why parents are in such a hurry to have their kids grow up. You are giving him such a gift..the gift of a longer childhood.

That being said, as a parent, my kids have May and March birthdays and I held them both back. Both are excelling (and my daughter had attachment issues when she was younger). Many of their teachers have said that they are leaders in their class.

So as a parent and an education, I applaud you for being willing to give him the extra time he needs.

We all have our issues that are "the mountains we are willing to die on"..and for me, keeping kids home for that extra year is my mountain!!!

Thanks for the reassurance. I think I'll call the preschool and see what they think about doing private k (if they are doing k this year!). We could call it "little" kindergarten and "big" kindergarten. Otherwise, we'll stick with pre-k again.--Katie

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

teacher here...

IMHO - kids always know that they've been held back. I worked with a few 5th graders a couple years ago and all year they kept going on about how they "should have been in 6th grade" I think it's hard emotionally on kids, and something they never forget. Do a little searching on the psychological reasons to hold back (or not)...

 

[letsgoagainsoon]

My DS will be starting kindergarten this fall. While I'm very apprehensive about it, I know him starting when other 5 year olds start, it will be best for him in the long wrong.

They do testing here, to see if your child is ready and if he needs any extra help.

The one thing I dislike in our district is KG is full day 9am-3:30pm...I think that is a LONG day for a 5 yr old...heck he still naps sometimes.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think you are just having normal parent panic feelings. I am sure that you made your choice with lots of thought and reason. I am sure you have prepared your child for the start of school and unless something has made a dramatic change I would NOT change my plans.

I have worked with pre-K for 25 year and have had MANY parents regret not holding a child back a year but never had a parent regret doing so. Held my now 17 year old back and it was the best thing we ever did.

 

[3boymthr]

Well....

I kind of bucked the trend here.

My youngest has a mid june birthday. He was ahead of the kids in pre-school but both the school and the pre-school said he would have trouble with full day kindergarten and might have trouble with half day kindergarten.

But pre-school just wasn't challenging enough for him (even pre-k) most of the kids were just so much younger than him that DH & I felt they were holding him back emotionally. He's the baby in the family and he needed to be pushed to a higher level emotionally. To be pushed to be more independent.

We are very lucky in that we have an unusual program at our local public school. They offer three options Half day, transitional or full day. (Transitional offers half day for half the year and full day for the second half of the year.) We do have to pay if we opt for one of the programs over the base half dayprogram but the fee is less than pre-school or day care would cost. Since my DS was on the young side we opted for the half day program.

In fact one of the best things I was told by two teachers a friend and my Daunt (a teacher for 30+ years) was to push him - they both said if he's doing that bad pull him and put him in a pre-k program - the school can't stop you. They both also said, kids can make leaps and bound and actually catch up and be even with other kids their age during the year even if they are behind at the start of the year.

We didn't pull him. He did do okay but by January his teacher was recommending that he be held back a year. As expected the older kids were pulling him along emotionally and academically. He was gaining a lot of ground, almost but not quite enough to put him on a level with the other kids. Per his teacher he was just "slightly" behind emotionally and on his writing but otherwise almost but not quite where he should be to go into first grade.

We debated and debated about pushing him to first grade.

We did hold him back and went for a full day program this year. It was the best thing we ever did. The half day program then the full day program worked out perfect. Knowing that he was doing a second year his teachers were very willing to make his work a little more challenging (full sentences instead of just words, slightly harder math problems.) He's now reading on his own and is ahead of most of the grade in math. He is still behind in some areas so I'm glad I sent him to public school where they can work with him to perfect his pencil grip, etc. in the manner the school wants. He does realize that he had two years in Kindergarten, but does NOT feel stigmatized by it. In part because he went to two different length days. The only time the second year was hard was the first couple of weeks when the class spending a lot of time focused on school etiquette (standing in line, raising hands, etc) which he had already mastered.

On another note, I would like to mention my DSs' very very good friend. His birthday is August 31. He went to kindergarten when he was 5 y 1 d. He was the best student in the class. My cousin's DD went to Kindergarten at 4y 355d she also was the best student in the class. So age (being the youngest in the class) definitely does NOT dictate how well a kid will do.

Finally, a reluctance to do the work is definitely not an indicator of maturity. My oldest is a January baby and my middle is an April baby. Both of them were deemed ready academically and emotionally. Well, to this day both of them are very reluctant to do the work. The oldest is in 8th grade. They just don't like it. Anything and everything is better than school work, including chores. Schoolwork is for them akin to having teeth pulled. Some kids never do no like it no matter how mature they are. Just a thought.

 

[brymolmom]

Keep in mind that if you choose to hold him back even tho you think he's ready....that if he is way ahead of the rest of the class (which it sounds like he might be) that it is totally unfair to then expect the teacher to 'keep him challenged' - after all, it is YOUR CHOICE to hold him back thus making him way ahead of the rest of the kids. So your choice for him not to be challenged, not the teacher's fault. And he/she has a classroomfull of kids who (mostly) are age-appropriate for that class (ie; the curriculum is specifically geared toward kids who are the age that is 'before the cutoff' in that area) - so truly, they deserve the time and effort more than the child who 'should be' in first grade.

I obviously don't agree with the practice, but I do sympatize with the decision-making. Honestly, the ONLY way that parents on both sides will be able to rest easier is when all of our children start on an even playing field (start K at approximately the same age - everyone within 12 months), which will only be when parental choice is removed.