O.J. SIMPSON JOINS IN SEARCH FOR BANNED WEAPONS
Takes Much-Needed Break From Looking For Wifes Real Killers
The hunt for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq received a big boost today as former football great O.J. Simpson landed in Baghdad to join in the so far fruitless search.
Mr. Simpson said that he was taking a much-needed break from his ongoing search for the real killers of his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson.
The Heisman Trophy winner said he had been searching almost nonstop for his wifes real killers since his acquittal on murder charges in 1995, but when he heard about the hunt for Saddams elusive weapons he dropped everything to join the weapons posse in Iraq.
I may not have found my wifes real killers yet, but Ive gotten pretty darn good at looking for things that other people say arent there, Mr. Simpson said, explaining his unique qualifications for finding Iraqs mysteriously missing weapons.
But in the hours after Mr. Simpson volunteered to aid in the search, murder suspect Robert Blake offered a theory of his own as to the banned weapons whereabouts.
Ill bet you dollars to doughnuts that Saddams guys fled into Syria, realized that theyd forgotten to take their weapons of mass destruction with them, and then went back into Iraq to get them, said Mr. Blake, speaking from Los Angeles.
In Washington, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld called Mr. Blakes charges against Syria intriguing but cautioned that military action against Syria was far from a fait accompli.
In order to be completely fair about it, the locale of our next war will be determined by a lottery drawing, Mr. Rumsfeld said, adding that over one hundred nations were currently in the running.
**** BOROWITZ REPORT ****
Takes Much-Needed Break From Looking For Wifes Real Killers
The hunt for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq received a big boost today as former football great O.J. Simpson landed in Baghdad to join in the so far fruitless search.
Mr. Simpson said that he was taking a much-needed break from his ongoing search for the real killers of his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson.
The Heisman Trophy winner said he had been searching almost nonstop for his wifes real killers since his acquittal on murder charges in 1995, but when he heard about the hunt for Saddams elusive weapons he dropped everything to join the weapons posse in Iraq.
I may not have found my wifes real killers yet, but Ive gotten pretty darn good at looking for things that other people say arent there, Mr. Simpson said, explaining his unique qualifications for finding Iraqs mysteriously missing weapons.
But in the hours after Mr. Simpson volunteered to aid in the search, murder suspect Robert Blake offered a theory of his own as to the banned weapons whereabouts.
Ill bet you dollars to doughnuts that Saddams guys fled into Syria, realized that theyd forgotten to take their weapons of mass destruction with them, and then went back into Iraq to get them, said Mr. Blake, speaking from Los Angeles.
In Washington, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld called Mr. Blakes charges against Syria intriguing but cautioned that military action against Syria was far from a fait accompli.
In order to be completely fair about it, the locale of our next war will be determined by a lottery drawing, Mr. Rumsfeld said, adding that over one hundred nations were currently in the running.
**** BOROWITZ REPORT ****
