Nothing to talk about

[sunlver]

I know this may seem like an odd question. For those who are married, do you ever have a hard time having discussions with your spouse?? I know many of you have great marraiges, and will say no. In reality, me and my husband do not have any deep meaning discusions. I mean we chit chat, about the kids, about the dogs..money, or lack of ..BUT..other then that, it seems we really dont have much in common to talk about I am not saying we are argue or fight with each other, that isnt the problem..

Im thinking about this because we are going on a cruise in August.This will be our 4th cruise, the first one my parents and brother and family went, the last two, my sister in law and brother in law came..Last summer my sister in law died of cancer ...
So this August, nobody extra is coming with us , of course my 3 kids will be with us We tried to get my brother in law to come with us anyways, but he is vacationing with his parents this summer.

After dinner, we bring the kids to the kid camp on ship, and would always hang out with my sister in law/brother in law at the shows and such..now, Im thinking "What will we talk about??"
I know most of you probably dont have this problem, and I know I am the miniority here. Would you believe I am worrying about it.ok, maybe not worrying about it, but thinking about it?

At home, we seem to have 2 separate lifes, and we "chit chat" when we do see each other..but nothing deep and serious.

Ok, I know I am a freak..but the reality of it is, we have very little in common, except the important things, the kids, and making sure we all have what we need.

 

[krcit]

You're not a freak. I'm in the same boat...no pun intended In fact, we haven't gone away by ourselves in ages because I don't really want to. It's sad actually and I keep saying that things have to change but they don't.

 

[Magic Mom]

I think I have a pretty good marriage, but sure there are times when we run out of meaningful things to talk about.

It reminds me of the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where he and Deborah are out to a fancy restaurant, and all they can think to talk about is how cold the butter is.

 

[Syrreal]

DH and I found out quickly that we cannot camp together with no one else around. We get bored out of our minds and quickly run out of things to say, so I can see a little of where you're coming from.
You'll meet all kinds of people on the ship so you'll always have someone else to talk to, or at the very least you'll be able to chit chat about the days events and who you saw/spoke to. If you did some stuff separately, you can talk about that. There are also always games and stuff going on in the bars, shows, etc that you can still do stuff together and not necessarily have to talk.
If you really want to talk, you can try one of those conversation starter books. They are raved about for long car trips.

 

[JessicaR]

I'm going on a cruise in August too. Maybe we'll be on the same one! I talk to everyone. Mostly my husband and I never run out of things to talk about. Probably cause I just talk and he isnt listening.

 

[disneyfans95]

Nope.. We are going on 15 years in Oct and we can't shut up!

We are always talking about our jobs, friends, social stuff.. We call it pillow talk.

The stuff we chat about while in bed after well you know /blush and before sleep

 

[disneyfans95]

You're not a freak. I'm in the same boat...no pun intended In fact, we haven't gone away by ourselves in ages because I don't really want to. It's sad actually and I keep saying that things have to change but they don't.

That is sad.. I am not making fun of you or anything. Sorry if it comes out blunt. But we live for taking time out together.

I know, different folks, different strokes.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What did you talk about when you were dating? There has to be some reason that you married him. Do you have the same sense of humor? If you are living separate lives then maybe catch up on that? It might surprise you how much fun you will have. You just might remember why you thought he was so great before you got married. Good luck!

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

My DH & I have known each other over 1/2 our lives (22 years) and have been married for almost 19 years and we talk about all kinds of stuff. But, we feel comfortable when there is nothing to discuss (mundane or deep) at the moment and just enjoy each other's company.

We do find that we repeat stuff to each other alot.....I'll start a story from my past and DH will say "I know. You tell me that story all the time". I do it to him too when he repeats a story again (and again!). We tease each other that we need to separate for a few years, go off and have new adventures, and then when we get back together we'll have new stories to tell.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

I'm still relatively new to this community, and this is a rather intimate question, but it's something I feel strongly about so I'll chime in. I think that many couples struggle with this, and the crazy-busy-non-stop rush of today's life doesn't make it easy to sit down and talk. And when we don't really "talk" to anybody, we're bound to drift apart over time.

My DW and I have been together for about 11.5 years (since we were 22), and honestly we have spoken to each other every day since our first date, even when one of us was on the other side of the world for business. We have a fantastic marriage, but we also work hard on it (and I'm certainly not saying that you don't). Early on in our dating, we committed to each other that we would make sure to always make time for each other, even with the craziness of daily life.

Fast-forward twelve years and we now have a beautiful 2 year old son with some major special needs, and a 5 year old daughter who is both precious and precocious, and both put tremendous demands on our time. Like so many people, we both work outside the home (in pretty senior-level jobs), and also own a business that takes up a lot of time. But throughout everything, we put our marriage first. Not in a selfish way, but because we know that together, we make better parents, employees, business owners, and friends.

Without rambling on forever, what I'd encourage you to do is, assuming you want to do so, acknowledge that being alone can be awkward and start getting to know each other again. Not having deep conversations isn't the end of the world, but if this is your partner through good and bad, you want to be able to open up to each other. It will probably take time, and concentrated effort, but the payoff is significant. Schedule a date night on a weekly basis, even if you just go for a walk. Start slowly, and don't put pressure on yourselves to delve into the deepest topics right away. Get to know each other on a personal level again, and your similarities will become more clear again (assuming the underlying fundamentals are strong).

Good luck, and please feel free to disregard my opinions, but I did want to share them because I know this can be a difficult and scary thing to face.

 

[sunlver]

I'm going on a cruise in August too. Maybe we'll be on the same one! I talk to everyone. Mostly my husband and I never run out of things to talk about. Probably cause I just talk and he isnt listening.

What cruise are you going on.

We are going on Carnival Liberty Aug 28th

 

[maslex]

I know this may seem like an odd question. For those who are married, do you ever have a hard time having discussions with your spouse?? I know many of you have great marraiges, and will say no. In reality, me and my husband do not have any deep meaning discusions. I mean we chit chat, about the kids, about the dogs..money, or lack of ..BUT..other then that, it seems we really dont have much in common to talk about I am not saying we are argue or fight with each other, that isnt the problem..

Im thinking about this because we are going on a cruise in August.This will be our 4th cruise, the first one my parents and brother and family went, the last two, my sister in law and brother in law came..Last summer my sister in law died of cancer ...
So this August, nobody extra is coming with us , of course my 3 kids will be with us We tried to get my brother in law to come with us anyways, but he is vacationing with his parents this summer.

After dinner, we bring the kids to the kid camp on ship, and would always hang out with my sister in law/brother in law at the shows and such..now, Im thinking "What will we talk about??"
I know most of you probably dont have this problem, and I know I am the miniority here. Would you believe I am worrying about it.ok, maybe not worrying about it, but thinking about it?

At home, we seem to have 2 separate lifes, and we "chit chat" when we do see each other..but nothing deep and serious.

Ok, I know I am a freak..but the reality of it is, we have very little in common, except the important things, the kids, and making sure we all have what we need.

So much of what you said, rings true for us too. We're actually leaving for our 4th cruise in just 2 weeks. Luckily his sister and her family is also going so I know we'll be chatting up a storm all week. But our first & third ones were just us with our two boys. Usually the boys were off doing whatever they do and it was just the two of us. I guess you can say that we people watch a lot. I'm more of a talker than he is. Thing is though, he has a hard time hearing when there's a lot going on around him, so trying to hold a conversation with him during that time is usually useless. I also have a hard time holding a conversation with him whenever we go out to a restaurant. It's really uncomfortable at times. I'm not sure why it is this way but....

 

[sunlver]

So much of what you said, rings true for us too. We're actually leaving for our 4th cruise in just 2 weeks. Luckily his sister and her family is also going so I know we'll be chatting up a storm all week. But our first & third ones were just us with our two boys. Usually the boys were off doing whatever they do and it was just the two of us. I guess you can say that we people watch a lot. I'm more of a talker than he is. Thing is though, he has a hard time hearing when there's a lot going on around him, so trying to hold a conversation with him during that time is usually useless. I also have a hard time holding a conversation with him whenever we go out to a restaurant. It's really uncomfortable at times. I'm not sure why it is this way but....

I am glad you can relate to what I posted. After I posted I went to run a few errands, and I thought "Oh no, those DIS people are going to think Im a freak or something"
Sometimes when you are going thru certain things, u sometimes feel like you are the only one until u post on the DIS board and find others feel the same.

 

[SpecialK]

I think all marriages have highs and lows. I'm betting that you'll find the more time you spend alone, the more naturally it will happen. It's the little chit-chat conversations that often lead to bigger topics for us.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Sometimes after being together awhile you have discussed all the meaningful stuff you have to discuss.

I can't remember it right but I remember a quote somewhere about as you get older the silence between you having more meaning or ugh it's going to bug me now. Something about nothing needs to be said between you.

If you aren't fighting and can stand to be around each other and still talk, even chit chat stuff I think it's ok and a normal progression of things. Sometimes we have tons to talk about and other times we sit there and hold hands. It's ok.

 

[sunlver]

What did you talk about when you were dating? There has to be some reason that you married him. Do you have the same sense of humor? If you are living separate lives then maybe catch up on that? It might surprise you how much fun you will have. You just might remember why you thought he was so great before you got married. Good luck!

We talked and talked and talked A LOT when we were dating. We only dated 4 months before we got married(And no I wasnt pregnant). I thought we talked about a lot of important things.Apparently as the yrs went on, I realized how truley different we were. I am not saying each couple has to be exactly the same in each marriage. BUT.. our differences on important things have really sort of pushed us apart. Maybe if we dated longer, and discussed even MORE important issues, we werent have been married
I dont regret being married, if not for my marriage, I would havent my 3 beautiful children.

 

[mickeyboat]

DH and I don't usually have trouble finding something to talk about. It can just be about where we are and what we are doing at the moment - it doesn't have to be deep conversation all the time.

But there are quiet times, too. And that's o.k. It is nice to know that we can be comfortable together, even if we are lost in our own thoughts.

OP - if you are worried about what you will talk about with your DH on your cruise, why don't you take a little time before you leave to think about some things you can talk about? Think about some fun memories of your lives together, think about some events coming up in the future, think about some neat people you know, think about what you might be seeing on your trip that you can talk about.

Goo luck!

 

[minkydog]

You might be surprised how much you have to talk about once you get away by yourselves. I know for ME, it takes about 3 days to get really comfortable leaving the kids behind. But after that it's like we revert to our old college selves, when we could carry on deep meaningful discussions to all hours of the night.

I think a lot of couples get into a rut after awhile. When our kids are little it's just too easy to fall into a pattern of "putting out fires" all the time. We speak to each other in short bursts: "Did you pick up milk?""We're overdrawn again" "Here, take the trash out for me" "Be home early, we're going over to your mother's for dinner." You get the drift. When we've got one eye on the kids and the other eye on the checkbook it's easy to lose sight of the real reason we're together.


A lot of people here know my situation, with a sick DH and severely handicapped son, plus two other kids. What you may not know is that there was a time that DH & I lived almost parallel lives in our home. We loved each other, but we each had different focus and responsibilities. He worked outside the home and everything & everyone inside the home was my responsibility. It worked for us for awhile. But we didn't have a lot in common,so there were lots of silences because we didin't know hwat to say. Then one day we went to the doctor. He told us that DH had an inoperable mass in his brain. Our world shattered in one day. Suddenly, all that stuff just didn't matter. It was a bad way to do it, but it forced us to have some very difficult conversations. We made each other Number One in the family (much to the upset of one of our kids who thinks it's All About Him.)

That was 9 years ago. THankfully, the mass was found to be benign, actually a harbinger to his lung disease we found out later. I often wonder how things might have been different if we had not had this sea change. Would we have been as committed? Would we have gone separate ways? I don't know. But I know this--we don't know how long we'll have together so we better make it as good as we can. Every day doesn't have to be a fiesta, but we generally check in with each other daily and we're honest with one another now.

OP, I hope you have a wonderful time. I think once you're off with your man it will all fall into place. You're still the same girl he married and I'm sure he loves you as you love him.

 

[sunlver]

You're not a freak. I'm in the same boat...no pun intended In fact, we haven't gone away by ourselves in ages because I don't really want to. It's sad actually and I keep saying that things have to change but they don't.

We have never gone away alone either. In the beginning it was mainly because we have no family here where we live. His family in Texas, mine in the Chicago area..so there was never anybody to leave the kids with..Now though, as yrs passed...I also dont have any desire to go away alone. He had suggested yrs ago, but I always played it off with the "Who is going to stay with our kids"

 

[TheRatPack]

I'm going on a cruise in August too. Maybe we'll be on the same one! I talk to everyone. Mostly my husband and I never run out of things to talk about. Probably cause I just talk and he isnt listening.

LOL, I think this is my relationship with my husband as well. When we do go out alone (very rare) I chat a lot about the kids and he just listens....LOL