Nothing from DH for Christmas :(

[Robinrs]

I can totally understand why you're upset. People here are stating that they don't exchange gifts with their significant others, but they don't seem to understand the big deal. My partner and I don't exchange gifts either, but that's totally different from your situation. If not exchanging gifts was agreed upon by both parties, then of course you'd be fine with getting nothing. But if a gift exchange is part of your traditional Christmas, then you have every right to be upset. I'd probably let him know I was upset about it if I were you. I'd have trouble keeping my mouth shut.

If it's a given then it's not an issue. Why are so many people not GETTING that???

My oldest sister and I don't exchange gifts. We give to each others kids. My middle sister and I ALWAYS exchange gifts. If I gave her a gift and she didn't give me one I'd be but since it's a given with my oldest sister it's not an issue.

 

[Andtototoo]

How you feel about gift exchanges with your SO in part depends upon what your love language is. I am not a fan of pop psychology, but I find that The 5 Love Languages idea has a LOT of validity. Not only is it helpful in terms of identifying the love language you speak and that of your loved ones, but it points out that when our loved ones do not or refuse to speak OUR language, that we will feel unloved.

For example, my dh's love language consists of words of affirmation and physical touch. Mine is acts of service. So for him, if I did all sorts of nice things for him, it does not mean I love him. I have to TELL him I love him and give him hugs. So for me, if he tells me he loves me and gives me hugs, I do not feel loved, but if he helps me rake the yard, then I do feel loved.

So at Xmas, when he puts ZERO effort into gift giving and acts as those spending 3 minutes a year on a gift is a huge imposition, I feel deeply unloved. The gift itself is unimportant -- it's that he doesn't seem to care enough to spend 3 minutes of his time and a small amount of effort. And when he KNOWS this about me, but still doesn't make any effort, I feel invalidated. I may know intellectually that he loves me, but I don't FEEL loved. Love is not something we should have to know only intellectually -- we should FEEL it.

 

[mumom95]

OP, sorry you feel forgotten.

You just need to sit down with your dh and tell him how you feel and that in the future you would appreciate (and expect) him to get you a gift during the major gift giving holidays. Don't be accusatory with the tone, just a simple, this is what I would like you to do.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your dh to give you a gift on Christmas. For the couples that don't, that's great if it works for them. But it doesn't work for all couples, and lots of people enjoy giving and getting gifts from their loved ones. That doesn't make you a bad, selfish or high maintenance person. It just makes you a wife who would like to have gotten a Christmas present from her husband.

Let your husband know (in a nice way) and hopefully this will be the last time you have to feel this way.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

So at Xmas, when he puts ZERO effort into gift giving and acts as those spending 3 minutes a year on a gift is a huge imposition, I feel deeply unloved. The gift itself is unimportant -- it's that he doesn't seem to care enough to spend 3 minutes of his time and a small amount of effort. And when he KNOWS this about me, but still doesn't make any effort, I feel invalidated. I may know intellectually that he loves me, but I don't FEEL loved. Love is not something we should have to know only intellectually -- we should FEEL it.

THIS^^^^^ This is exactly waht I'm talking about!

 

[DisneyScraps]

My Ex DH was like that. He started out good and then one year he had an excuse, then another excuse. The birth of my DD after SEVEN years of infertility and a very high risk and difficult pregnancy, I got nothing. that hurt so much!

I finally realized that he was not going to put any effort forth when it came to me. Funny how it worked out....ex dh now!

Lisa

 

[Wishing on a star]

THIS^^^^^ This is exactly waht I'm talking about!

Ohhh, I totally understand!!!
I do.



I am not saying you are being shallow or selfish or anything for wanting and expecting a gift.... Not at all....

But, what this means, if you are feeling under appreciated, acknowledged, loved, is that he is not finding any other effective way to to show you, emotionally, that you are loved. There seems to be a lot of weight and pressure on those slippers.

Read my other posts, and you will see that this was what I was getting at.

I think that this is the real issue.
That is the bigger, deeper issue.

Slippers would only be a band-aide.

Personally, my husband could go thru the act of getting me some slippers.... But, given that he is not really emotionally demonstrative... not good at showing me love in other ways... the slippers, to me, would be an easy out... Not a cure all.

 

[Feralpeg]

I think it's great for those couples who have decided not to exchange gifts. It seems that was not the case for the OP and her husband. She expected an acknowledgement and is hurt because he did not do so. IMHO, she needs to let it go this year, but have a conversation prior to next Christmas and get the expectations out in the open.

Sorry your Christmas was not as you had wished, OP.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I understand completely. I have felt that way before on Valentine's Day. Once. He figured out quickly how to have something delivered the next VDay.

Seriously, make sure you tell him how you feel. You don't have to do it today but some time before the next gift giving holiday so that this doesn't become a habit. If even your sons were surprised; maybe there is some underlying reason why he didn't do anything?

 

[ilovejack02]

Even when I've talked to my DH about his gifts before & poor guy just seems to have the knack for hit or miss gifts. ( He asks!). So you could try talking to him, but it might not do any good. But you are not bad for being disappointed. Glad you kids & mom made a nice day for you!

: ) My poor DH is the same way. Unless I put exactly what I want on a wish list , I might get something I want I mentioned years ago LOL.

One year it was a bread maker . I had asked for it two years before and by that time, I was over the want . He was sooo proud and I used it just for him lol.


This year , he did really well. Went on my Amazon list that I made for his parents and got a bunch of goodies.

Funny thing though, he found an old Sephora wish list this year that I made Christmas of 08, bought what he could off of it , but had to make a few substitutions , same line , but different set. Was confused why they didn't have the sets I asked for . When I opened Christmas morning, I was confused as it was a cpl of perfume sets that I no longer wear, figured it out when he proudly told me he found the list with out having to ask me. I thanked him sweetly and made a big fuss, then found the receipt in his wallet and will be returning all tomorrow. He won't have a clue because he doesn't look at my makeup of course, and I still have a cpl of bottles of the perfume that he gave me. I will wear it and he won't be the wiser.

He really did try and I give him a big props for that !

OP I am sorry you are bummed. Men need to be told what we are thinking, unfortunately they aren't good at reading minds. : ) I would be very sad too , if DH didn't acknowledge and would talk to him sometime after the holidays about it for sure. : ) I think lots of us go through this at some point after years of marriage and all it takes a verbal reminder to get everything back on track for some folks. Hopefully that is all you need.

 

[shortbun]

I just talked to my girlfriend who had this problem but they agreed-no gifts, for the first time in their marriage because he's probably going to lose his job. Her feelings are hurt that he didn't make an effort to spend some quality time with her or do something loving for her over the Christmas weekend. She doesn't feel like she can say anything because she doesn't want to make him feel bad. I told her she should suggest they each do 'something' romantic for each other to make up for not having Christmas gifts. She's thinking about it. What will she suggest to him for herself 'cause you know he'll ask. She'd like a hot bath drawn with rose petals, candles and wine with him just hanging and talking while she enjoys the bath. I think it's a winner of an idea. why not do something similar to heal your injured feelings? I agree that men often need to be told what to do in this area.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm sorry.. That must have really hurt your feelings..

My late DH came from an extremely large family and grew up quite poor.. His Christmas gifts consisted of an orange in his stocking and a pair of socks under the tree.. So when we married, I always made sure that he had a good Christmas.. Not only for that reason, but because he was so used to "going without", he would never buy anything for himself just because he "wanted it".. He in turn also chose to buy Christmas gifts for me (although I always told him nothing expensive or elaborate).. His reason? He loved me - plain and simple..

If there ever came a year when he didn't give me a gift - even from the Dollar Store - I'm pretty sure I would be hurt.. It would be so totally out of character for him, I would be concerned as to what the reason was behind it..(The actual lack of a "gift" wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things - it would be the "why"..)

Have you exchanged in the past? If so, maybe you should ask him if he had a reason for not ordering something online - or having someone else pick up a little something he could give you..

Really makes me sad to think that your feelings were hurt on Christmas..

 

[Nik's Mom]

My dh and I don't exchange gifts for Christmas. Sorry it hurt your feelings, op. You should mention it to your dh and let him know how you feel. My dh didn't buy me a mother's day present one year and I let him know that I was hurt. He explained that he didn't know what to buy. So now I either tell him what I want or buy it myself. No more hurt feelings.

 

[sunlver]

I am sorry to hear this..I thought it was just me..My husband is healthy and works each day, and works right next to the Walmart.. Other years he has bought me stuff, this year NOTHING .. I have always bought him something,now granted not a lot of stuff. Like I always get him Chocolate covered cheeries, its one of the standard gifts for him..So I bought him 2 boxes and 1 shirt..On Christmas morning when we were passing out gifts to kids, he proudly announced "I didnt get mommy anything", and my 3 kids all looked at him like he had 2 heads...
I am easy to shop for.. Its not a money issue, its a "I thought about u issue"...even if he wrapped up my favorite box of candy(Snowcaps)and handed it to me.. I would of felt appreciated..

 

[disney1990]

My husband and I have not exchanged gifts for years unless there is something we know the other is dying to have and won't buy themselves. So most years we just say Merry Christmas.

Yes, but this is an agreement that you don't exchange gifts. If her DH can surf online, surely he can find his wife a Christmas present -- no excuses.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would be ticked unless there was a previous agreement. It doesn't have to be an expensive present, nothing makes me happier than a new bathrobe. Throw in some bubble bath and it's heaven. I'm sorry for his thoughtlessness but it's wonderful that your mom and kids made it a nice Christmas for you.

 

[focusondisney]

I am sorry to hear this..I thought it was just me..My husband is healthy and works each day, and works right next to the Walmart.. Other years he has bought me stuff, this year NOTHING .. I have always bought him something,now granted not a lot of stuff. Like I always get him Chocolate covered cheeries, its one of the standard gifts for him..So I bought him 2 boxes and 1 shirt..On Christmas morning when we were passing out gifts to kids, he proudly announced "I didnt get mommy anything", and my 3 kids all looked at him like he had 2 heads...
I am easy to shop for.. Its not a money issue, its a "I thought about u issue"...even if he wrapped up my favorite box of candy(Snowcaps)and handed it to me.. I would of felt appreciated..

Wow! He announced it proudly? I'm sorry that happened to you, too.

As I said, my DH has gotten me some really bad gifts in the past. So much so that I have wondered if he was doing it on purpose, you know? Kind of a passive/ aggressive thing. After years of talking it out, I've found he tries; he's just not always good at it.

I'm wondering if these husbands are trying to send a message. They don't seem to be trying. And especially since they have given gifts before. I'd be really hurt too. And I would have a hard time hiding my feelings. good luck to both you & the OP. I hope your DHs have some explaination.


Op, could your DH be depressed? Did he seem to participate in all your other holiday traditions?

 

[englishteacha]

I'm so sorry you felt forgotten, OP. Please talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.

My sister's husband never gets her anything, and that just seems so unfair. It's not hard to go online and order something or go to Walmart and get a favorite candy or a pretty necklace, you know? Presents don't have to be pricey! The only time my sister got a birthday gift from her husband in the past 18 years was when our niece was there and asked, "Uncle L, what are you getting Auntie for her birthday?" When he didn't have a good answer, our niece dragged him to the store and pointed out things my sister would like. My sister is a very giving person and I know she is hurt by her husband's lack of effort. I know I would be broken hearted if my DH didn't get me a Christmas or birthday present. My parents were married 45 years, and they always exchanged gifts. A lot of the time they were useful items, but there was always something to open from the other. Oh, and mom always LOVED new slippers.

 

[Planogirl]

DH and I still exchange presents and I personally expect it. We don't spend a lot but it's nice to get a few things that we might not buy for ourselves.

OP, do talk to your husband. You two need to set some parameters.

 

[clh2]

DH and I discuss Christmas gifts every year. Some years we are on a tighter budget than others. Due to some kitchen work we are doing this year, the budget was pretty tight.

DH had forwarded me a groupon for a hot stone massage at a local spa, and I gave him a very big "this would be a great present!!!" nod. This was less than the budget. And...if I do not feel like he picked up on the "clue", I have DD drop the hint too.

The key - communicate...communicate...communicate. One thing I've learned is guys can't read your mind.

 

[DisTeach1]

I'm sorry...my husband and I buy each other gifts and put a lot of thought into them. I don't know if I would stay married to someone who didn't give me a thought on a holiday. No excuse in my opinion.