Not one classmate shows for six year old's birthday party

[mjkacmom]

I don't get the whole 'invite the whole class' thing. Growing up I never did that. I had a few friends from school (not even in the same class), friends from soccer, kids I played with growing up because our parents knew each other through fire dept, bunco, work parties, community events. My thought is if the only option you have is to rely on inviting the whole class or just family, then maybe the parent and kid need to be branched out socially. Do parents not even do weekend/afternoon playtime with different kids?

Are you a parent? How it works is, before kids start school, their friends consist of neighborhood kids, and their parents' friends' kids. Then they go to school, and make friends on their own, not just friends of convenience. However, it generally takes a couple of years for real friendships to grow (and tons of play dates). This is why it's popular to invite everyone in kindergarten/first grade. Plus, it's the only way to get invites handed about in school ( we don't even have a directory). Around second grade, kids have their own circle of friends, parents know each other, and there is no need for invitations to go into the backpack.

Most folks RSVP here. I'm very surprised that the mom, being concerned about having no RSVP's, didn't follow up with the parents. I also think it's horrible that those parents didn't RSVP.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Kids look forward to their birthday parties and I think it's quite awful to have zero kids show up. I've never not responded to an invitation, if I can't attend I let the host know. Inviting the whole class or all the boys/girls has been standard for a while so as not to leave out one or two kids that would inevitably not get invited anywhere, ever.

 

[Disneylover99]

You may think no one sees it - but no matter how "discreetly" you do it - someone will see!
Not cool!

Really?? You know someone will see? When no one else is around?

 

[Ceila]

You may think no one sees it - but no matter how "discreetly" you do it - someone will see!
Not cool!

You're really not being fair to Disneylover99. There are times throughout the day when the teacher is in the classroom and the students are not - lunch, recess, and specials. While I'm not a fan of handing out invites at school unless everyone is included, that's not the case at her school. Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to do the best she can to make sure none of her students find out that they were excluded.

 

[Disneylover99]

You're really not being fair to Disneylover99. There are times throughout the day when the teacher is in the classroom and the students are not - lunch, recess, and specials. While I'm not a fan of handing out invites at school unless everyone is included, that's not the case at her school. Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to do the best she can to make sure none of her students find out that they were excluded.

Thank you for understanding Ceila.

Since there is no policy at my school about this, all I can try to do is confiscate the cards from the birthday child and put them in backpacks when other children are not around.

 

[dismomtfj]

Something like that is not allowed at our school

You can't bring in a craft? Anything for a first grader? Doesn't have to be food. People get so wrapped up in that. I can see high school...but I know of no 6 year old classroom that, if properly coordinated, won't allow something that everyone can participate in.

 

[Ceila]

You can't bring in a craft? Anything for a first grader? Doesn't have to be food. People get so wrapped up in that. I can see high school...but I know of no 6 year old classroom that, if properly coordinated, won't allow something that everyone can participate in.

I can't think of any school that would allow a parent to coordinate a craft activity in honor of their child's birthday during the school day, and I know teachers in various districts in various states.

 

[Oodalally13]

Are you a parent? How it works is, before kids start school, their friends consist of neighborhood kids, and their parents' friends' kids. Then they go to school, and make friends on their own, not just friends of convenience. However, it generally takes a couple of years for real friendships to grow (and tons of play dates). This is why it's popular to invite everyone in kindergarten/first grade. Plus, it's the only way to get invites handed about in school ( we don't even have a directory). Around second grade, kids have their own circle of friends, parents know each other, and there is no need for invitations to go into the backpack.

Most folks RSVP here. I'm very surprised that the mom, being concerned about having no RSVP's, didn't follow up with the parents. I also think it's horrible that those parents didn't RSVP.

Not sure what throwing the "are you a parent" comment has to do with anything. I guess you are looking for if I say no you can tell me in a superior fashion that I don't know what I'm talking about OR if I say I am them you can tell me in a superior fashion that I'm not doing it correctly.

Now let me tell you how it worked when I was around the age of the child in the article. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with children in my neighborhood by seeing them outside playing and riding bikes. We started talking to each other and playing regularly...they got invited to the party.

There are many community events where I grew up. When parents would get together to volunteer at them, the kids would be thrown together. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with them by talking to and playing with them. We saw each other regularly and became friends.....they got invited to the party.

My parents had friends in the community that had kids around my age. When anyone would have a get together we would be together. Again. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with them through playing and seeing them regularly.....they got invited to the party.

I was in a pre-school age soccer league. Met kids I didn't normally see, we saw each other weekly and at games. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with some of them....they got invited to the party.

Then when I finally started kindergarten I met kids in my class and in other classes. Some of them I played with regularly and even went to each other's houses. I made friends ON MY OWN with them...they got invited to the party.

None of these instances involved my parents extending an invitation to EVERY kid I encountered for that specific event. As for handing them out, we knew these people well enough that we had the mailing address and they were mailed or saw them regularly to hand deliver. Never once gave them out at school.

And finally I find it wrong to categorize certain friendships as made out of convenience. I still made them on my own. I have never been told I HAD to be friends with or nice to anyone just because my parents said so or we were all together. I guess I can tell those friends I grew up with and saw all the time (even now) they aren't truly friends. No one ever told me I had to go make friends or play with them or invite them. I can remember back to my 4th birthday (ahhh the little mermaid YEAR!) and from that point on I remember my mom telling me to make a list of who I wanted to invite.

 

[EMom]

You can't bring in a craft? Anything for a first grader? Doesn't have to be food. People get so wrapped up in that. I can see high school...but I know of no 6 year old classroom that, if properly coordinated, won't allow something that everyone can participate in.

Are you kidding? I know of no school which would allow this. Their day is tightly scheduled and taking time for Little Emma's birthday craft does not fit in that schedule. Let alone Little Emma times 20+ birthdays. Our schools get 3 parties per year and they have to pick and choose. Usually, they pick Christmas, Halloween and Valentine's Day. That means Thanksgiving, St. Patrick's Day, President's Day or whatever else there is falls by the wayside. A lot of schools won't even allow outside treats (cake, cupcake, cookies) but luckily, DD's did. We were allowed the last 5 minutes of lunch to pass out a birthday treat and the kids had better be able to eat quickly. Nothing in the classroom. No time for it. Do you have children? If so, where do they go to school that allows instructional time to be sacrificed for birthday crafts? Private schools, maybe. Real world schools, not so much.

 

[EMom]

Not sure what throwing the "are you a parent" comment has to do with anything. I guess you are looking for if I say no you can tell me in a superior fashion that I don't know what I'm talking about OR if I say I am them you can tell me in a superior fashion that I'm not doing it correctly.

Now let me tell you how it worked when I was around the age of the child in the article. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with children in my neighborhood by seeing them outside playing and riding bikes. We started talking to each other and playing regularly...they got invited to the party.

There are many community events where I grew up. When parents would get together to volunteer at them, the kids would be thrown together. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with them by talking to and playing with them. We saw each other regularly and became friends.....they got invited to the party.

My parents had friends in the community that had kids around my age. When anyone would have a get together we would be together. Again. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with them through playing and seeing them regularly.....they got invited to the party.

I was in a pre-school age soccer league. Met kids I didn't normally see, we saw each other weekly and at games. I MADE friends ON MY OWN with some of them....they got invited to the party.

Then when I finally started kindergarten I met kids in my class and in other classes. Some of them I played with regularly and even went to each other's houses. I made friends ON MY OWN with them...they got invited to the party.

None of these instances involved my parents extending an invitation to EVERY kid I encountered for that specific event. As for handing them out, we knew these people well enough that we had the mailing address and they were mailed or saw them regularly to hand deliver. Never once gave them out at school.

And finally I find it wrong to categorize certain friendships as made out of convenience. I still made them on my own. I have never been told I HAD to be friends with or nice to anyone just because my parents said so or we were all together. I guess I can tell those friends I grew up with and saw all the time (even now) they aren't truly friends. No one ever told me I had to go make friends or play with them or invite them. I can remember back to my 4th birthday (ahhh the little mermaid YEAR!) and from that point on I remember my mom telling me to make a list of who I wanted to invite.

So what's wrong with inviting the entire class if you like your classmates and actually want them at your party? Some kids do like just about everyone and find it easy to make friends. No one is forcing kids to invite the entire class or all boys/all girls in the class. It's a choice. Maybe certain kids make friends of their whole class ON THEIR OWN.

 

[lauradis]

So what's wrong with inviting the entire class if you like your classmates and actually want them at your party? Some kids do like just about everyone and find it easy to make friends. No one is forcing kids to invite the entire class or all boys/all girls in the class. It's a choice. Maybe certain kids make friends of their whole class ON THEIR OWN.

If everyone likes everyone! Then why make the rule? Oh, because that's not always the case and everything has to be equal and fair in public school. Which is a farce in the real world. Not everyone gets invited to lunch at work. Not all grown ups get invited to a lot of events. Should our employers put a rule out that says all office groups have to go to lunch together or not at all.

This is a pure Snowflake rule. So no one gets their feels hurt.

 

[EMom]

If everyone likes everyone! Then why make the rule? Oh, because that's not always the case and everything has to be equal and fair in public school. Which is a farce in the real world. Not everyone gets invited to lunch at work. Not all grown ups get invited to a lot of events. Should our employers put a rule out that says all office groups have to go to lunch together or not at all.

This is a pure Snowflake rule. So no one gets their feels hurt.

To be clear, I was not the child who failed to get invited and DD certainly wasn't. But I see the reason for the rule. No one is saying you cannot pick and choose which kids to invite, they are simply saying you cannot hand out the invitations at school if you are going to exclude certain kids. If you want to pick and choose, then mail them or hand deliver them some other way. But to hand out invitations at school to 19 kids out of 20 and exclude the one kid is just plain hurtful. If it's a girls only party and you want to hand out invitations at school to 10 out of 11, that's a recipe for disaster. There is no reason for it. Believe me, kids will notice that someone was left out and it's usually a kid who is already ostracized. So schools don't want to be a part of that. No one is stopping you from inviting 10 out of 11 girls, but you'll need to mail those invitations and be a little more subtle. This is not an "everyone gets a trophy" situation.

 

[lauradis]

Good grief.
You know that when On duty personnel attend something like that they bring all their equipment right? They can immediately leave from where ever they are.

Goof grief, fire doubles every 30 second to a minute. An engine and four man crew stuck on the other side of town will do a lot of property damage, just for a PR event.

So, no duty crews or inline engines should ever be used do personal PR work.

 

[lauradis]

To be clear, I was not the child who failed to get invited and DD certainly wasn't. But I see the reason for the rule. No one is saying you cannot pick and choose which kids to invite, they are simply saying you cannot hand out the invitations at school if you are going to exclude certain kids. If you want to pick and choose, then mail them or hand deliver them some other way. But to hand out invitations at school to 19 kids out of 20 and exclude the one kid is just plain hurtful. If it's a girls only party and you want to hand out invitations at school to 10 out of 11, that's a recipe for disaster. There is no reason for it. Believe me, kids will notice that someone was left out and it's usually a kid who is already ostracized. So schools don't want to be a part of that. No one is stopping you from inviting 10 out of 11 girls, but you'll need to mail those invitations and be a little more subtle. This is not an "everyone gets a trophy" situation.

Lets say I asked my dd Sue to make a list and she only invited 1/3 of her friends at school and we mailed the invites.
You don't think first graders talk about going to sue's bouncy house birthday party at school?
So its ok to mail them privately, but find out later at school that you weren't invited?

 

[Mkrop]

You may think no one sees it - but no matter how "discreetly" you do it - someone will see!
Not cool!

Or it doesnt matter if you do discreetly, little kids talk, so they find out who was invited or who wasnt.

 

[Laura66]

You're really not being fair to Disneylover99. There are times throughout the day when the teacher is in the classroom and the students are not - lunch, recess, and specials. While I'm not a fan of handing out invites at school unless everyone is included, that's not the case at her school. Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to do the best she can to make sure none of her students find out that they were excluded.

I stand behind my comment. Someone may have to leave early, get something they left in the coat room or their locker, use the restroom - there are any number of reasons they could catch you. And really how easy would it be to secretly slip them in their book bags? Especially somewhere where it would be sure to be found. Some of these book bags have sooooo many pockets! I know the best bet for parents finding invites would be for them to be placed in their "away" folders.
And let's say you could do it discreetly. How do the kids know who has or has not been invited when they get excited and start talking about the party?
Very hurtful!
That happened to a friends daughter. So she went up to the friend and asked where her invitation was - only to be told by the Birthday Girl - you're not invited!

 

[ronandannette]

You can't bring in a craft? Anything for a first grader? Doesn't have to be food. People get so wrapped up in that. I can see high school...but I know of no 6 year old classroom that, if properly coordinated, won't allow something that everyone can participate in.

I can't think of any school that would allow a parent to coordinate a craft activity in honor of their child's birthday during the school day, and I know teachers in various districts in various states.

...and even if you COULD do it, why would you? It wouldn't be a satisfying substitution for a real Birthday Party in my kid's opinion, nor would the other kids in the class likely feel very privileged to be included.

And as for those that have expressed the idea that blanket-invites are some sort of social engineering, you wouldn't think so if (or when, for the childless), your kid is the one left out. I'll never forget the gratitude of a mom from my DS's 3rd grade year. The invitation her child got to DS's party was the FIRST ONE he'd ever received. I'll never really know what issues caused him to be such an outcast (he seemed like a pretty regular little kid to me), and he and my DS never became good friends, but including him was a kindness that cost us nothing and meant the world to him. It was a very teachable-moment for my DS too, as those kind of values are important to us. It's a very, very different thing than "everybody gets a trophy". Childhood itself is NOT a competitive sport where the losers just need to know their place...

 

[Laura66]

If everyone likes everyone! Then why make the rule? Oh, because that's not always the case and everything has to be equal and fair in public school. Which is a farce in the real world. Not everyone gets invited to lunch at work. Not all grown ups get invited to a lot of events. Should our employers put a rule out that says all office groups have to go to lunch together or not at all.

This is a pure Snowflake rule. So no one gets their feels hurt.

I beg to differ. These are little kids.

So what if not kid didn't like very single kid. At that age kids feelings will be hurt!

And today's enemy could be tomorrow's best friend. Friendships change on a dime. I always told my kids - I don't care if you like them right now. You must invite them and be polite. You will be so busy and there will be other children that you can play with. Same with that child or children you don't like right now.

This is exactly what this thread is about and so many posters are outraged no one came to the boys party. Maybe the boy had horrible social skills and behaviors and it would be totally understandable why the children didn't like him. You never know why children behave the way they do. Why not use the opportunity to include everyone in a birthday party invite. Both ways! Inviting that child that perhapse misbehaves or your child does not like at the moment! Or attending the party of someone your child is not fond of. Both scenarios are wonderful teaching opportunities in kindness and compassion!

 

[scoutie]

You can't bring in a craft? Anything for a first grader? Doesn't have to be food. People get so wrapped up in that. I can see high school...but I know of no 6 year old classroom that, if properly coordinated, won't allow something that everyone can participate in.

I don't know of any teacher who would allow this in my school district. Celebrating at school would never happen.

My son had his birthday party today. We don't do big parties often, but he wanted one for his 10th. He invited all the boys in his class, along with some neighborhood and sports friends (we have no family in the area). The majority of the boys in his class came, and everybody had a great time. One mom pulled me aside and said that this party was the first one all year her son had been invited to. I'm glad we invited everybody. In our situation there were no negatives.

I'll never forget the gratitude of a mom from my DS's 3rd grade year. The invitation her child got to DS's party was the FIRST ONE he'd ever received. I'll never really know what issues caused him to be such an outcast (he seemed like a pretty regular little kid to me), and he and my DS never became good friends, but including him was a kindness that cost us nothing and meant the world to him. It was a very teachable-moment for my DS too, as those kind of values are important to us. It's a very, very different thing than "everybody gets a trophy". Childhood itself is NOT a competitive sport where the losers just need to know their place..

That's exactly how I feel.

 

[Disneylover99]

Or it doesnt matter if you do discreetly, little kids talk, so they find out who was invited or who wasnt.

Maybe someone will mention it the next day at school, that is true. But as a teacher, I can't control this. It's not going to matter if the invitations are sent by mail, or distributed discreetly by the teacher.