Not doing her best?

[Aimeedyan]

I'm with C.Ann on every point.

Poor kid.

 

[Tink888]

OP - I understand wanting your daughter to live up to and perform to her full potential but IMHO I think that you are being too hard on her. She is one and a half quarters into the school year and already seems to have so much taken away, including time with extended family. She is 10 years old.

I would focus more on talking with her to find out what the issue is. The difficulty of class work does not always corelate with standardized tests.

An A essentially equals perfection. There is nothing wrong with expecting that if you believe that is what she is capable of but more important is instilling a love of learning and teaching kids to expect their best from themselves. To punish her when she doesn't achieve perfection is sending a dangerous message to her and will place enourmous pressure on her as she gets older.

As parents we all want our kids to live up to their potential but sometimes there is a thin line between "your potential" and "perfect". As a child I was an A student and was always told how much potential I had. As I got older, the A's were harder to achieve. I did not grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer and for years I beat myself up emotionally and felt like a failure because I wasn't perfect or living up to my so called potential. It really messed with my self-esteem and confidence. It took a long time to overcome that. I can tell you from personal experience that in the long run self-esteem and confidence go a lot further in determining success and happiness than any A ever will.

I say this with all due respect but I really think you need to back off a little.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that you sometimes need to get their attention and taking away electronic items can be a good idea. I don't like the idea of taking the kids away from relatives though. That doesn't feel right to me, maybe because it also punishes the other family members in a way.

DS is a sophomore and his grades have fallen a bit. They're not horrible now but they have fallen from mostly A's and a few B's to mostly B's and one C in math. I'd like to stop this if I can.

His issue is studying because he's never really had to. I've set up a mandatory study period for each day plus I talk to him about what he's learning. I hope that I can teach him how to study because I remember that I had a tough time figuring it out.

 

[HunnyPots]

As parents we all want our kids to live up to their potential but sometimes there is a thin line between "your potential" and "perfect". As a child I was an A student and was always told how much potential I had. As I got older, the A's were harder to achieve. I did not grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer and for years I beat myself up emotionally and felt like a failure because I wasn't perfect or living up to my so called potential. It really messed with my self-esteem and confidence. It took a long time to overcome that. I can tell you from personal experience that in the long run self-esteem and confidence go a lot further in determining success and happiness than any A ever will.

I say this with all due respect but I really think you need to back off a little.

I totally agree with you!

And I also think it should be noted for all parents with high expectations, that none of us live up to our full potential all the time - that's right, NONE of us!

And you know what? Most of us turn out just fine, in spite of mediocre grades in elementary school!

 

[manning]

*

 

[chisnpeke]

First I should say it was a mistake to even post this. Yes my DD is 10 and in 5th grade. I have spoke to her teachers and with her about her grades. Her teachers have told me she wants to talk with her friends so rushes with her tests. (She will make a 100 on a quiz and then a 60 on a test) That is how I am sure she is capable. DD tells me she wants to talk to her friends as well. I give her extra work at home for school and all she has to do for chores is clean her room and put her clothes away. As for her going to Nana's, she was going on Friday and staying until Sun some weekends so she can not do that now. However she still see' her grandparents a few times a week, as well as her cousions. She just does not get to spend the whole weekend with them. Thanks for all the responses! I will try to not be such a horrible mom and expect the best!

P.S. I do love to give her a great B-Day and she gets to pick what she does every year. This year she wants a Luau and after I purchase the decor, cake, invites, thank you's, favors, food and drinks for 15-20 kids plus adults it will be alot!

Poor child.

 

[manning]

I totally agree with you!

And I also think it should be noted for all parents with high expectations, that none of us live up to our full potential all the time - that's right, NONE of us!

And you know what? Most of us turn out just fine, in spite of mediocre grades in elementary school!

AMEN!!!!!

 

[heimlichfan]

Another teacher chiming in!

I just want to take a moment to remind people what letter grades stand for. A "C" is average - it is not bad, it is not great, it is where most students should be. A "B" is above average, and an "A" is exceptional. Our district has stopped using letter grades because of grade inflation. 89% of our 5th graders were getting straight As - not exactly fitting with the above description! Do you want your child to earn a real A, or a grade inflation A?

Back to the topic - I do think it's important for your child NOT to have some of the things back that you took away. I don't think taking away the birthday party is the answer, but have her work to earn certain privileges back.

Don't be a helicopter mom! She goes to school, working for hours a day, and then she comes home and you pile on additional work to "drive the message home?" Help her find things she enjoys learning about instead of giving her more "work" to do. Read a book with her, take her to a museum, pick interesting topics for dinner conversation. Ask her what she's interesting in - invest in her as a person, not just as a student. Learning is not all about school - school should just be one part of becoming a lifelong learner.

That's my two cents. I would say your best bet is to choose bits and pieces of everyone's comments here and see what works for her.

 

[snowbunny]

Are you saying it is all about mom?

No, it is all about the armchair shrinks, know-it-alls and screaming pack of hyenas on the Disboards.

What a joke.

 

[leahjade]

And studies have proven that it's usually not the straight A student who goes on to great success in life. Remember the show on Oprah and they guy who wrote the book on emotional intelligence? Being in education I see that often the children who are being pushed are succeeding for the parents' expectations and are not doing it for themselves. They become stressed and burnt out and often rebel when away at college. Let kids be kids!
I sometimes think things were better in our day when parents didn't get so involved in their kids' lives. Parents didn't go and scream at children's sporting events and hire personal trainers for them or help with every single homework assignment.
I had a friend who was driving two hours on the weekends to help his daughter with COLLEGE assignments - where does it end? Are you going to follow your child to the workplace and interfere when he or she doesn't get a promotion?

 

[Aisling]

I have a 16 year old son and the same situation as the OP. He's absolutely not doing his best. He does just enough to get by, and it's really becoming a problem. He had a chance to earn an advanced regents diploma when he graduates next year, but I think that chance is gone now. He'll graduate with a regents diploma, but if he did his school work, picked up a book and studied, he could've gotten the advanced, which would definitely look better on college applications.

He's not on the path to bumhood, but he definitely needs an attitude adjustment when it comes to doing his best. If he didn't understand the schoolwork, that would be one thing, but it hasn't seemed to click in his head yet that you have to work to get ahead in life. It's very disturbing because we're a very education-minded, work-ethic family, and right now his "job" is to do what he's told in school, which is to study and get all the homeworks done.

I don't faint when he gets Cs, but it does make me sad that he thinks it's "good enough" when he can do better. I'm afraid he'll carry this attitude through life. If he truly couldn't do better, but did his best anyway, if a C grade was his best, fine. But the fact is he just doesn't see/understand/believe the reasoning behind doing your best. Well, except in XBox.

 

[leahjade]

Grades are not everything! A schoolmate of ours was a C student if he was lucky and now runs a multi-billion dollar company. Bill Gates was the same way. We have to learn to step back at a certain point and let our kids live their own lives. Now if a child is failing because he is not even doing his work or trying, then definitely take away the computer or cellphone for a month and see if it helps. But to punish and be on a kids' back all the time for B's is just out of line and maybe the parent needs educated not the child.

 

[Aisling]

Grades are not everything! A schoolmate of ours was a C student if he was lucky and now runs a multi-billion dollar company. Bill Gates was the same way. We have to learn to step back at a certain point and let our kids live their own lives. Now if a child is failing because he is not even doing his work or trying, then definitely take away the computer or cellphone for a month and see if it helps. But to punish and be on a kids' back all the time for B's is just out of line and maybe the parent needs educated not the child.

I agree. It's come to the point where I wish my son got Cs because that's all he's capable of...average grades.

Unfortunately, these days a C isn't seen as average, it's seen as low. We're lucky because we live in a city that has tons of city colleges and the kids are guaranteed admittance with a high school diploma...grades don't matter. I'm tempted to just let my son do his thing, or not, and send him to one of the city schools. It's too much aggravation to argue with him. I know I sound like I'm copping oot on parenting, but I'm wondering if it's worth it, since he'll get into college anyway. Being a parent is tough!

 

[kellyg403]

I agree. It's come to the point where I wish my son got Cs because that's all he's capable of...average grades.

Unfortunately, these days a C isn't seen as average, it's seen as low. We're lucky because we live in a city that has tons of city colleges and the kids are guaranteed admittance with a high school diploma...grades don't matter. I'm tempted to just let my son do his thing, or not, and send him to one of the city schools. It's too much aggravation to argue with him. I know I sound like I'm copping oot on parenting, but I'm wondering if it's worth it, since he'll get into college anyway. Being a parent is tough!

No I don't think its a cop out. My son was similar. He never did his best except at lunch time. I really really didn't want to spend the money to send him to college because I knew that it would be like putting good money after bad. But, I sat him down and explained to him. The first D and it was over. I am sorry but I don't have the money to just send him to school for a good time. He did well his first year, not a single C. His real potential if you ask me. Then his second year...well lets just say he has a two year degree. There was no way I was spending any more money.

Its a case by case experience and yes, it disappoints me that I see potential and he is not using it. But, really he is a good kid, with a good job that is doing exactly what he wants in life. I guess in reality that IS his full potential.

Kelly

 

[Aisling]

It's hard for me because my older son is the complete opposite. He always strove to achieve the highest grades he could get. He went to a private college on a full scholarship, graduated with honors, and will be finishing graduate school 6 months ahead of schedule with his Masters. He's definitely a scholar. My flaw is/was/is/was that I expect the same from my younger one, and it's just not in him. I'm learning to accept that he'd different with his own ways and his own talents, and being a scholar isn't one of them. He is a good boy in all other ways, thank God, and does have goals. He wants to go into film production, and living in NYC, there are jobs galore. I just have to get through my own process of accepting him, and to change my expectations.

I just don't want to give him the message that it's ok to just get by when he has more to give. My DH says wheh he gets into his college major, it'll be "his thing" and he'll work harder at it.

OP, I'm sorry to hijack your thread!

 

[Planogirl]

It's a fine balancing act. Some colleges here are so crowded that it's hard to even get accepted by them if you don't make the best grades. Yet you don't want to push them so hard that they push back.

I think that encouragement is the best way to go. How about working with the girl on some things? You might help her understand some things better plus you can see close up exactly what she's dealing with.

 

[kimmikayb]

It is a hard call. If those things you are taking away are the cause for the slip in grades...yes I would take those things away. If not, I would find the reason and address that.

 

[KiminChicago]

Now I understand why our school district did away with letter grades for the elementary schools. At first it was hard to accept that a "meets expectations" would be all we'd see on a report card, but after hearing about the poor girl being punished for all B's, I can see where it reduces stress on everyone's part. And, boy did we celebrate the first time my daughter brought home an "exceeds expectations" grade!

 

[Michelemouse]

The trick to this situation is that you want to inspire the child to do his/her best because it will serve him/her well...not force him/her to get a better grade because it is what you want. I think that punishing a child for getting Bs is harsh and is only going to push that child farther away from your goal. It's going to create a stressful situation, rather than one in which the child sees the importance of hard work. Instead I would find a way to reward the child for pulling those grades up on the next report card. I wouldn't necessarily use cash though. I'd probably something less tangible.

OP - Personally, I'd sit down with your DD and have a talk. IMO it's never to early to let a child know that the way you perform in school can have long-lasting effects on a life. It's also important to let her know that it's necessary to have priorities. Right now her priorities are talking with her friends. You need to stress to her that friend-time is great, but it should not be at the expense of schoolwork. She is at the perfect age to discuss this as she has not yet entered the high school years. IMO it's important to get through to her now so that she has things in order by the time she gets to HS.

And, FTR, I do not think that every child should be bringing home A's. My outlook has always been that a child should work to his/her potential. If that potential is B's then that's fine, but that potential is A's then B's/C's are not fine.

 

[manning]

The trick to this situation is that you want to inspire the child to do his/her best because it will serve him/her well...not force him/her to get a better grade because it is what you want. I think that punishing a child for getting Bs is harsh and is only going to push that child farther away from your goal. It's going to create a stressful situation, rather than one in which the child sees the importance of hard work. Instead I would find a way to reward the child for pulling those grades up on the next report card. I wouldn't necessarily use cash though. I'd probably something less tangible.

OP - Personally, I'd sit down with your DD and have a talk. IMO it's never to early to let a child know that the way you perform in school can have long-lasting effects on a life. It's also important to let her know that it's necessary to have priorities. Right now her priorities are talking with her friends. You need to stress to her that friend-time is great, but it should not be at the expense of schoolwork. She is at the perfect age to discuss this as she has not yet entered the high school years. IMO it's important to get through to her now so that she has things in order by the time she gets to HS.

And, FTR, I do not think that every child should be bringing home A's. My outlook has always been that a child should work to his/her potential. If that potential is B's then that's fine, but that potential is A's then B's/C's are not fine.

Amen. I was a "c" student, with a smathering of "a" and "b". My dad realized it and told me he was happy I was trying my best. He also said he would be proud of me if I failed trying but not so if I failed not trying. I ended up having a pretty successful life. Both in my working life (now retired) and social life. I'm now enjoying retirement. My only regret is him not seeing it. He died when I was 18. Nothing would not have made me happier than telling him thank you for your support and advise.